Questioning Tgirl Here

[Guest Chrissy Peach]

Hey, I just came across this site and decided to sign up hoping that I could find some answers to some things that have been bothering me recently. I am not officially transsexual or transgendered (I was born a man and still am), but I've been questioning if I might be. I set my status on here as MT? just because I'm not 100% sure on things yet.

The first time I remember having the desire to change my sex was about when I was puberty age. I saw a thing on TV about transsexual surgery and I was amazed that even such a thing was possible and at that moment had a feeling that that might be me some day. Like I said, I'm not 100% sure who I am. My feelings any more kind of come in waves where I really want to change sex, guilt about it, and then a short purge and time of repentance before they come back again. In all honesty, this is something that I want but at the same time don't want. I would love to just be happy with who I am and be done with it, but no matter how many times I've tried, these feelings keep returning.

I have never told anyone about these feelings before, but I figured I would start here just because you would be understanding. I've done some small things in the past to try to feel more feminine, but I always end up afraid that someone would notice and try to give them up. I'm also deathly afraid of coming out about this. I've had dreams where I've told my parents that I want to be a girl and the result is that they almost end up nearly killing me. My other reservations come from all the stories I hear about how transpeople are treated. In a lot of ways, I am satisified with my life and I'm afraid that by changing my sex that I would be giving up a lot and uncertain of whether or not I would be happy with having done so.

So anyways, hello to all and I hope to find some of my answers here.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Chrissy Peach,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Don't be afraid to ask questions. We'll try to provide answers. Have you ever gone to counseling with a gender therapist? He/she could help you with your fears. Think about it. It wouldn't hurt and you've got nothing to lose.

MaryEllen

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Chrissy

Now don't you worry about a thing dear

You just come right on in and look around and post to the forums!

The more you post, the more you will see!!!

When you feel ready, go see a gender therapist.

For now, just read and post to the forums hon!!!!

In time, you will know what I really mean, but I want you to discover that for yourself.

Love

Brenda

[Guest casper]

Hi Chrissy,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Chrissy Peach]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. I haven't seen a gender therapist yet, but have been looking into it some. My main concerns with that are the confidentiality and the cost of doing so.

[Guest drop_the_world]

You really do need to see a thearpist. I often have felt this way and since I'm in high school and have to wait. Your feelings are real, and I'm no GT but I'm pretty sure they will come back.

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hi Chrissy

Welcome to the family, so happy to see you.

Now you just take your time and get all your questions and concerns answered, we don't want to see anyone jumping to a conclusion without the answers they need.

Also you are absolutely right this can be a tough life and whether you decide to persue it is completely up to you. There is no rush and you only need do what make you comfortable. As many have suggested, a therapist will help with many of your steps. But we are also here to help so if there is anything that we can help with please do ask.

LUV

Jean

[Sally]

Welcome to the forums,

Let me get you a cup of hot cocoa and some fresh baked cookies, we are famous for our hospitality.

You have been given some very good advice, the only thing that I might add is that gender is not either or, it is a sliding scale you need to find your spot on it and move to that comfort zone, wherever it might be because that is you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest sarah f]

Welcome to Laura's Chrissy. Glad you came to the site and willing to share yourself with us. It really helps you with where you are coming from and why you feel this way. Just keep on posting your questions and we will try to help.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Donna Jean]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. I haven't seen a gender therapist yet, but have been looking into it some. My main concerns with that are the confidentiality and the cost of doing so.

Hello, Chrissy!

Welcome to the Playground!

Honey....number one, confidentiality is not a problem with a therapist...they will divulge to no one what you discuss!

And, as far as cost....it's just like any other product that you buy...shop around!

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

There! Check out our page on gender therapists.....OK?

Good luck, Hon!

Donna Jean

[Guest MeganW]

Are you atracted to girls??? if so maybe you need to give it time and you will know who you are my guess your in your 20s am i right.. you know if your happy being male but like the thought of being female maybe changing sex is not for you . I feel like i can identify with your problem but you know being female full time is a lot of work and can carry a price I myself like being a guy but enjoy being a girl I had thought that maybe i was ment to be a girl but I am not atracted to guys so that thought went out then I thought I might enjoy being a girl all the time I gave that a shot for a week well the week ended in its 4th day it was not for me I enjoy being both. you know being on the fence is not a bad thing good luck and enjoy what you have

[Guest Chrissy Peach]

I will admit that I am attracted to girls, but I've also heard that supposedly that can change after hormones. I am early 20's with a good college education and a decent job which quite honestly I don't want to give up.

I'll admit that my biggest quirk that makes me think I might want to be a girl is a *ahem* maxi pad addiction. This has been a big thing for me that I've gone from trying to wear panties full time and use pads 7 days every 4 weeks like having a period to purging it out of my life and back again. I've also noticed that along with my attraction to women, I also find myself saying that I wish I was the pretty girl.

Part of me wishes to be a girl full time, to even experience stuff like menstruation (if even once to only start hating it like every other woman I know). I find myself often times passing by the women's isle in the stores wishing I could wear those clothes. Anyways, I hope this information might shed some light on finding myself.

[Paula ult]

Are you atracted to girls??? if so maybe you need to give it time and you will know who you are my guess your in your 20s am i right.. you know if your happy being male but like the thought of being female maybe changing sex is not for you . I feel like i can identify with your problem but you know being female full time is a lot of work and can carry a price I myself like being a guy but enjoy being a girl I had thought that maybe i was ment to be a girl but I am not atracted to guys so that thought went out then I thought I might enjoy being a girl all the time I gave that a shot for a week well the week ended in its 4th day it was not for me I enjoy being both. you know being on the fence is not a bad thing good luck and enjoy what you have

Megan hon,

You do not have to be attracted to guys to be transsexual, just like those that are genetic males and females can be straight, gay, lesbian, bi etc so can transsexuals.

Gender identity is what you identify as, male or female.

Sexual identity is who you are attracted to.

I am MtF and my SO is a FtM, i am attracted to him as a person not because of his sex, i hate labels but what does that make us, straight, gay, lesbian, bi etc, .... it is complicated, oh my head hurts just thinking about that.

You discovered transitioning was not for you, it does not matter where you are under that big transgender umbrella, just be yourself.

Paula

[Guest Chandra]

Welcome Chrissy,

You came to best place you could to figure yourself out.

Many here have felt just like you do, and they will help you. This place is chalked full of the most caring supportive loving bunch around. So take your time and get involved, and I guaranty you will learn much about yourself and feel less confused and much better about yourself.

In time you will realize how much knowledge and wisdom flourishes here, it truly staggering.

Welcome to your new friends and family Chrissy, I think you will love it here, it's kind of a sanctuary from everyday life.

Take Care, Love and hugs, See Ya, Chandra

[Guest Jana Johnson]

Hey Chrissy,

I know that feeling, because I am not sure about myself either . I know that this feeling comes back over and over again, but now it does not want to go away. I have gotten a lot of good advice here and I decided to see a therapist (I only need the courage to call and see her ). I think you ought to do the same thing and of course keep posting .

hugs

Jana

[Guest jaymie]

Hi Chrissy, welcome, your story sounds alot like mine and a lot of the other girls here. There is a great deal of support here which is fantastic but like many others here have said, going to see a GT is an important step (working up the courage to do it can be hard though...over a year in and i'm still terrified to do it...) Just knowing you are not alone and being able to "talk" to so many amazing, supportive people is a great comfort though. I know, at least for me, it has made things easier.

Hugs

Jaymie

[Guest ricka]

Welcome to Laura's and our loving family, Chrissie. Hon, there is nothing unusual about your story: these feelings you describe do come in waves especially in the beginning and there is no pre-determined path, time-lines or destination that any of us must follow. It sounds like you are very much in a period of self discovery. You are perfectly free to follow whatever path you choose, to back-track if you are so inclined, take a different path and even go back to a previous path you had tried. Transitioning can be like that. Be patient with yourself. We are here to support you in every step of the way. The main thing to take to heart here is that you are free to be yourself in the moment you are in and if you feel differently in another moment that's perfectly okay here.

Ricka

[Guest Chrissy Peach]

Well, just been through another binge and purge cycle with these feelings. Right now, I'm feeling like I want to be a girl, but my doubts and questionings about it seem to be less of a problem today. I have just a few more questions for now:

First, I would like to know how reversible hormone treatment is. If I start and decide that it is not for me, is it something that I can stop safely?

Secondly, I was thinking of trying to do some more things to make me feel more feminine regularly. I've tried multiple times to switch to wearing panties and even keeping a monthly period calendar for when I would wear maxi pads, but I've only at most made it a day at that before feeling wrong about it. Would anyone recommend this? If so, can you offer some tips (and maybe some "supplies" recommendations). I've also thought about shaving my legs regularly, but everytime I've tried I've given up after knicking myself with the razor. I've used Nair before for hair removal, but it is too much of a hassle for me to want to use it regularly. Other things I've considered have been painting my toenails and maybe switching to feminine deordorant. Basically, I just want some ideas of things that I can do secretly for a while.

[Guest kelise]

Welcome! As most have said up there above me, Seeing a GT is always the first step. They will help you figure these things out.

[Cyndee]

Hi Chrissy,

I recall replying to your previous post regarding panties a while back, anyway welcome and thanks for introducing yourself here. We look forward to reading more of your posts.

Hugs

Cynthia Ann -

[Guest Orva26]

The first time I remember having the desire to change my sex was about when I was puberty age. I saw a thing on TV about transsexual surgery and I was amazed that even such a thing was possible and at that moment had a feeling that that might be me some day. Like I said, I'm not 100% sure who I am. My feelings any more kind of come in waves where I really want to change sex, guilt about it, and then a short purge and time of repentance before they come back again. In all honesty, this is something that I want but at the same time don't want. I would love to just be happy with who I am and be done with it, but no matter how many times I've tried, these feelings keep returning.

My other reservations come from all the stories I hear about how transpeople are treated. In a lot of ways, I am satisified with my life and I'm afraid that by changing my sex that I would be giving up a lot and uncertain of whether or not I would be happy with having done so.

So anyways, hello to all and I hope to find some of my answers here.

Hello Chrissy,

There are some similarities between us. I too begun thinking about becoming a woman around the time of puberty but mine thoughts were all laced with arousal. I also remember seeing a commercial for a program about transsexuals but I was young at the time and my parents' had a policy about getting permission to watch television programs. I knew that one would get straight out denied so I didn't bother but it did make me very curious. I would frequently spend time fantasizing about being a woman but it really took off in college. Because of the context I thought it was just a neat kink for a while but now I think it is deeper, something I should explore. I've tried to forget about it, to push it out of my mind but without fail it comes back. The section of bolded text is also a really big concern to me. I have a lot going for me as a guy and being male does not cause me great discomfort. I know that there will be discomfort in transitioning but I think that will arise mostly from the social aspect of it. There is no way to be certain but I think the changes to my body would be welcomed. But, enough rambling about myself. WELCOME! And I will try to answer some of your questions.

About the hormones, it is hard to say. There are both reversible effects and irreversible ones. It is a slippery slope to consider. It will result in breast growth that will be permanent and depending on how long it could result in permanent sterilization. As much as I yearn for some of the changes I have come to realize that it is most definitely something that I should really consider only after therapy.

Now for things you can do secretly to be more feminine. The big number one thing I'm doing right now is painting my toenails. Its pretty great and if done properly can be enjoyed for a while without the risk of being found out. You'll need clear coat polish for an undercoat, then two coats of color, and another coat of clear to make them nice and shinny. The first time I did it my toenails were purple for about a week and a half! I actually changed the color today from purple to red. Painting my toenails has actually replaced the minor crossdressing I've been doing as my choice method of physical femininity. As long as you can set aside the time to do it (took me about an hour the first time) I highly recommend it.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Gender dysphoria is tricky. We don't know where our fellings come from and sometimes what we feel is not really clear. Several people here have said only a gender trained therapist can really help you sort through all that is going on.

I agree - self diagnosis attempts will cause you to go all over the place.

And we STRONGLY advise - NO SELF MEDICATION. Hormones are really an all or nothing thing. Illegal, unmonitored dosages can severely injure your health and can even kill you.

THAT SAID, yes - much of what you have going on is typical. It won't go away, unfortunately...

Stay with us!

Lizzy