Envy

[Guest Nigh]

Not sure about the rest of you, but I'm envious of quite a bit of this sites population. I know this is a support site and I shouldn't; I just can't help it. When I see someone who has achieved more than I have, or could ever, I sort of feel that primal jealousy burn in the back of my brain. It's not hate, but it's definitely some sort of latent anger.

I wonder, if the moderators all left, and messages went by unfiltered, how long would this sense of civility last.

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

I find myself feeling jealous a lot of time at beautiful non-trans women. Not so much with any other transsexuals because what I'm most jealous is about how they were just born and accepted with everything that I have to fight and work so hard for. Then I still can't even get pregnant. Looks too, because I feel too tall, my feet are too big, etc. Other transsexuals I'm just glad that they're doing good, if I'm going to be jealous then it's going to be about someone that didn't have to go through all this.

[Sally]

Nigh,

Those feelings are all part of human nature, I have them too sometimes and it makes me very angry with myself for having them but they are there and we just have to deal with them.

Not too long ago I had a particularly bad day and the next morning I come to the forums to a sea of shining posts announcing one major victory after another with tales of total acceptance and feelings of great warmth and gladness - it was just about all I could take, I went to some of my fellow moderators for help and was aided by several of them - you cannot stop the feelings from starting but you can stop them from taking over your life.

We moderators are just like you - in a bit more control than some and less than others but we try.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Envy and regret, they seem to go hand in hand, Nigh.

I recall one of my first therapy sessions, when I cried about all the time I had lost in my youth, not knowing much of anything about TG issues, when I felt

so totally alone and ashamed. I spoke of how envious I was of the kids here who have the Internet to learn all they need to know, and who can communicate

with other TG kids, and begin transition at a young age. I felt it wasn't fair. Sometimes I still feel that way.

Envy and regret are like a cancer, Nigh. They eat you up from the inside out; turn you into someone you don't recognize, that you dislike, or even hate.

Don't let it get you, hon. if you have a therapist, talk to them about it. It is a human emotion and none of us are immune.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Steven22]

Actually I find others success quite humbling really and after the humbleness leaves I am left feeling quite inadequate and in a mild state of depression. Its ok I guess because it keeps it all fresh and I still have a long way to go almost unreachable sometimes, in a melancholy kinda way it gives hope.

In case anyone is wondering I am in said state of mind.

[Guest]

It would seem that we're all together in this one. I see the strides made by the girls here and it makes me sad sometimes. I have to remind myself that I'm on my on path and it will proceed at it's own pace. Then I feel better because I can be happy for those who are moving forward instead of sad for myself. Envy GG women? Well, yes to that too. Once again I'm on my own path, and have some treasured experiences that I wouldn't trade for the straight GG road if I could.

I think it's mostly about self-acceptance. Once you're comfortable with yourself then those feelings drop off. It will come with time, patience, and, as always, therapy.

Love, Kat

PS, Love is one of those things that helps too - really try to love everyone - see how much jealousy is left when you do that!

[Guest sarah f]

I am very envious of the women or men on this site that have come out to everyone they know and live full time as their correct gender. I can only hope that I will be there someday and that keeps me going. You have to keep your mind on the prize and live life like nothing is going to stop you. I will be there someday and you will to.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest julia_d]

Love everyone.. meh.. what you need to do is find who you are and get some acceptance of yourself going on. Once you get that the rest falls into place pretty easily.

It's like this.. for years we have all fought the person we know we are and tried to be somebody we most certainly are not.. After a while familiarity breeds contempt and when the big shift happens all that self hate comes to the surface. That needs dealing with or it carries over into the new (real) persona and tends to leave a scarred and bitter person who will get angry and upset when others report their succeses.

You might notice if you check out my posts that I very rarely make any comments in the "I passed" or "I did such and such" or "I started my HRT" topics.. there is a reason for that... I generally don't even read them because from my perspective (full female 10 years full stealth full time) they are just normal steps on the road to being a fully functioning person instead of a lie.

You have to stick a woman like me in the post-op box as far as my attitude goes, regardless of the abuse I have suffered at the hands of uncaring and deliberately obstructive doctors.. It's not about other people.. it's about you. It doesn't matter if other people get whatever.. it may not be relevant to your path or chosen outcome. You have to go out and shake the tree for yourself and see what falls out.. nobody can do it for you. Then you have to accept who you are warts and faults and all and relax and be yourself.

Advice? .. stop looking at others and concentrate on being yourself Don't study t-girls.. unless that is what you want to end up as.. watch women.. learn from them.. it's not hard once you learn to relax. Heres a thing.. yesterday I repaired an lcd monitor for somebody.. electronics.. very bloke skill, but it's one of my skills so why not use it to make some cash? Just because a change from male to female happened some years ago does not invalidate the person I was, because that person was me only playing an act to fit in with what I believed people insisted I should be.. The skills are still there, the knowledge is still there.. all that changed was the way I see myself and the way I present the real person. Instead of hiding the real me away I gave up caring what other people might think and just went and did it. It's easier.

Therapy.. junk.. placebo nonsense.. and expensive nonsense at that most of the time.. gatekeepers and facilitators.. employees.. The changes happen inside.. I transitioned on my own well before I saw any gender specialist (didn't even know there were such things) I was full time new name and gender markers 3 years before seeing any specialist, who was left with no actual option but to rubber stamp everything and write a script for pills.

Crowley had a saying "do what you will shall be the whole of the law" .. and dang if that ain't right. You don't need anybodys "approval" or "permission" to be yourself.. just be you and rats to em

[Guest Anna_Banana]

Not sure about the rest of you, but I'm envious of quite a bit of this sites population. I know this is a support site and I shouldn't; I just can't help it. When I see someone who has achieved more than I have, or could ever, I sort of feel that primal jealousy burn in the back of my brain. It's not hate, but it's definitely some sort of latent anger.

I wonder, if the moderators all left, and messages went by unfiltered, how long would this sense of civility last.

You posted the topic that I've had on my mind now for a while. You know just how I feel every time I see certain members on this board. It seems like some people are just naturally born perfect for transitioning and it makes me so jealous. They don't have to do hardly anything to get their look, their walk, or their talk.

.Anna

[Guest yvonne]

Nigh,

I'm so sorry you experience this to an intense degree. Envy is a normal human emotion and I fought it severely as a young person. It used to eat me up some days.

I had to finally realize a few things. First, that negative emotion only hurts me. It keeps me from accomplishing good things for me, it prevents me from having a great day and it makes me feel bad. All these are bad for me, no one else, only me.

Next is that there will always be someone with more than me. No matter how fast you are, there's someone faster, no matter how nice your clothes are, there's someone dressed better and no matter how much you have, someone else always has more. "Life isn't fair, get used to it" was hard for me to accept. The reverse is also true--there's always someone with less and in worse shape than you, too.

So, when you feel envy, try to tell yourself that it's normal, get used to it and think of those with less as a balance. They're probably hating you right now.

I had to learn that if I really wanted something badly enough, I could have it if I first believed I could, kept a positive outlook and then took the steps necessary to get it. You may say it's impossible, but I've seen it done enough times to become a believer.

When I've watched people suffer in bitterness, all they get is more bitterness. It just doesn't pay to let it into your life.

So, when you see people with nice things, compliment them on it and be glad they have it. It helps you keep your mind positive, so you can get it, too.

Much love,

Yvonne (who sure ain't no natural for this...)

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Nigh dear

In life, there will always be people who appear to have achieved more than you, and there will be people who appear to have not achieved as much as you.

I say appear, because so many times, if you look more closely, you see that what they may excel in one area, but horribly lack in another.

All I can suggest is that you try not to compare yourself to others. Each person is unique in their own way. In time, you will come to understand that it is not about who has more, who is farther, who is prettier, who is smarter, etc. No, you will come to understand that we all contribute to life in our own way, and each contribution is equally important.

Just work on you being you. Sounds simple, but it is harder than you think. From truely being yourself, many other joys will follow

Love

Brenda

[Paula ult]

Nigh,

Even though i have been on hormones over a year and a half, am out to everyone that needed to know including work, have my name changed and am living full time, you may think, gee she has it all, but to get where i am took allot of guts and determination, i guarantee it was not a walk in the park to get where i am today, but as far as i have come, guess what i am envious of the younger transitioners, knowing i will never be 19 again or have a nice thick head of hair or be able to live the majority of my life as my true self, in my own eyes i do not think i pass particularly well nor do i think my voice is especially good, but everyone sees me as an older overweight woman with a deeper than normal voice.

Just remember transition does not happen overnight, this is not a race, one of these days you will be the one everyone else envies.

Paula

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I am 62 - I am almost 6'2" tall and I was sooooo man looking I thought I would never pass. But I do. I explain how I am able to do so on this site because I hope it shows others who are older - and tall like I am, that it is doable.

I had to lose 36 pounds in four months (before starting HRT)

I lost two good jobs trying to come out.

I am losing my spouse most likely - and my sisters have dropped me

My children say they supposrt men (grown adults) but I haven seen them in two months

I will lose my house (it takes two incomes to maintain)

My friends I had as a male are gone

And my dog bit me!

I have to spend $$$ on HRT

I have to spend $$$ on therapy - plus therapy for my wife

I have to spend money on electrolysis

I have to spend money on my surgery - no insurance will cover it!

I spent obver $200 on earrings alone!

So I and depressed some days over my loses of spouse and family and friends

I get jealous of women who are naturally what I always wanted to be

And mostly I get sad over missing 61 years of my life!

Sixty one years! At best I will be female for 25% of my life! More likely 20%

The young people here - such a better start - such a much brighter future - and such a longer % of their life as their true self! It makes me happy! It makes me cry for myself!

I missed my girlhood - my courtship years - my childbearing and nurturing years - my loves and trials as what I am! MY WOMANHOOD!

BUT

THAT WAY LIES MADNESS - ALL THAT REGRET - ALL THAT SADNESS - MADNESS!!!!

So I post here to let others see it can be done. I like to think I am lucky.

I get to transition

I have enough empowerment to get it done

I have had spectacular success with my HRT

I have a pretty face as a female

My cat loves me!

So let me add - it can be done. I have paid a HUGE PRICE in the last year alone - but compared to my lifetime of yearning, it was just a tiffle.

BUT my bestest thing in the whole dang process? MY FRIENDS here!

I love you people. I just think everyone is just so spectacularly brave! We fight a battle that the non-TS cannot even imagine!

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

The young people here - such a better start - such a much brighter future - and such a longer % of their life as their true self! It makes me happy! It makes me cry for myself!

I love you people. I just think everyone is just so spectacularly brave! We fight a battle that the non-TS cannot even imagine!

Lizzy

Lizzy,

If it were not for you, I would not be here today. You have touched more souls than you realized. You touchd mine profoundly.

Yes you showed me, by example, that all is possible.

Never forget how important you are.

All my love

Brenda

[Guest yvonne]

I am 62 -

I get to transition

I have enough empowerment to get it done

I have had spectacular success with my HRT

I have a pretty face as a female

My cat loves me!

Lizzy

Lizzy,

Well, I'm also 62 and I'm jealous of you. You got a much prettier face than me, you look better than I do and you have a year's head start on me.

Keep yer head up, girlfriend.

Love,

Yvonne

[Guest Alexis]

Gender identity is a core element/foundation of who we are and we have been denied it for a portion of our lives. It eats away at your self-confidence because you can't be who you are without a foundation. We have to rebuild it and find our own success and happiness. Look at the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. It's not a perfect representation but it can explain why we have so much trouble just being happy. When we look at others, we see their happiness through their hard work and effort. It's normal to feel jealous and envious. If you have time to feel jealous, spend more time on bettering yourself and improving who you are. Slow baby steps!

Some of us can make transition seem like a cakewalk, but it's because they've worked so hard and earned it. They probably had a foundation laid down that enabled them to succeed. Let's give credit to our sisters who have succeeded where it's deserved and look at them as models to emulate to succeed. There are no free lunches. Things are earned.

Life is hard but lots of hard work, preserverance, and tenacity of steel will one day bring a smile to your face.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I am 62 -

I get to transition

I have enough empowerment to get it done

I have had spectacular success with my HRT

I have a pretty face as a female

My cat loves me!

BUT my bestest thing in the whole dang process? MY FRIENDS here!

I love you people. I just think everyone is just so spectacularly brave! We fight a battle that the non-TS cannot even imagine!

Lizzy

Well, that's what irritates me.......MY cat loves you, TOO!

But, you and I are in the same boat in many ways....

I'm 60....HRT one year...spouse, house.....lost a lot of good years...

And I suppose that I envy the GG's for having the life that I desired...And I can only salvage the years that I have left and do the best that I can....

And, By God.....I WILL!

Donna Jean

[Guest Neuro]

I know what you mean, sometimes I really envy those who are going thru HRT and such!! And the guys who pass so good!! DX I've got the kind of personality that finds it hard to 'flame' and stuff, but if the kindness went away here, I probably would too.

[Guest praisedbeherhooves]

Not sure about the rest of you, but I'm envious of quite a bit of this sites population. I know this is a support site and I shouldn't; I just can't help it. When I see someone who has achieved more than I have, or could ever, I sort of feel that primal jealousy burn in the back of my brain. It's not hate, but it's definitely some sort of latent anger.

I wonder, if the moderators all left, and messages went by unfiltered, how long would this sense of civility last.

I feel the same thing sometimes. I have a good friend and he is far into testosterone and has had chest surgery. I love hanging out with him but when I do that I feel jealous because he is so far ahead of me. It's just important to remember that eventually you will get there too.

[Guest skyy]

my problem is quite the opposite, actually. i rarely want to post about the happy things that occur because i feel like i dont deserve the happiness when so many others are suffering. i didnt have the worst transition, and so many more have had to deal with things i cant imagine. sexual abuse, insame parents, war, drug addiction, cutting addiction, death of friends and famile, divorce and heartbreak, non of those thingss i have suffered. i started transitioning young with my future ahead of me. all of this has been a huge blessing for which there can be no words, but some days, i feel spoiled. if i'm having a bad day, i try to remember how much i truely have. that is my struggle. i can understand the feelings of many on this site. i would probibly feel the same way.

[Guest viv]

Hello Nigh,

I am sooo behind a lot of the folk here and yes I can feel a little envy,

just a little mind you . I am overcome by the love and support we freely give

to one another ,,,my time will come , I know that . In the meantime I busy

myself with other aspects of Transition , hair removal , weight and fitness etc.

Yes I will have a bad day and I envy the world and its mother but hun I guess

I am lucky ,,,,I really have cried with happiness reading success stories from

our brothers and sisters ,,,I call those days "Sunny days hun sunny days" and

the more I read those posts the better I feel. luv,viv