I Have To Get This Out

[Guest Jean Davis]

Well it's 2:30 am, just spent the last hour soaking my pillow. Appearantly with all the time off my grandmothers death is bothering me a bit sooner than normal. So since I'm not going to get any sleep tonight I figured I would share and perhaps someone will have some ideas on how I can get over this.

My grandmother died on March first 1997 and was burried March fourth. The couple of years before were hard on her, having a breast removed because of cancer and going through chemotherapy and radiation therapy. I was already living up in Wausau at the time, but got down to visit as aften as I could. She always seemed so strong like she was going to beat the cancer, so it was to my suprise when I got the call that she had passed away. My family appearantly failed to inform me that she was in the hospital a couple of days before hand. I got the call on the second and told my employer on the third; I went down for the funeral on the fourth and that's when it started to hit me. I only remember bits and pieces of the funeral like how uncomfortable most everyone was. It seemed like people were confused about expressing their regaurds and/or wishing me a happy birthday. All except my brother and father, they carried on like it was just another day talking and joking with people.Too this day I don't know if I should be disguster with them or envious, I mean how could anyone take a death of a family member so easily like it didn't even bother them. But yet there is a part of me that wishes I could have done the same. Next I remember passing by the coffin, my grandfather placed his hand on my grandmothers hand and commented on how grandma brused so easily now. I thought that I had lost it there and was crying, but my mother said to me later that she wished that I would have cried. So appearantly I didn't. From ther on I don't remember anything about the burial or even being there.

Later I asked why I was not informed about grandma being in the hospital and how she died. I was told that she got sick from the flu or something and was given a radiation treatment. Also that she didn't want anyone around when she passed. I was so hurt, I wanted so much to say my goodbyes and tell her that I love her. I felt so cheated but also angry, I asked who her doctor was and why she wasn't given a chance to regain her strength before radiation. The reply I got was that, that's the way she wanted it and she took the radiation treatment when offered. That didn't sound right to me, so I kept asking why she would do that. I never knew my grandmother to give up on anything important, she was a very strong and loving woman. In the months that followed I got my answer, from what my mother said she was treated very poorly by the doctors and staff in the hospital. Appearantly so bad it broke her spirt and her will to live, she just didn't want to continue going to that hospital. To this day my family will not give me the name of her doctor in fear of what I may do.

Every year that has followed I try to go visit her final resting place. Even though my mind can't remember where that is my guts tell me I would be able to find her.But for some reason I just can't seem to get there. I often dream of going and planting a couple dozen red crocus bulbs in the shape of a heart over her grave so every spring my love for her would be seen. But I can never seem to summon the courage to go there. I know that I wouldn't think twice about running into a burning building to help someone in need, so why can't I go visit a stone with some letters engraved on it. I don't understand. What is stopping me. Why can't I do this. I mean I'm strong, like a rock, iron clad, bullet proof. Through all the years of being picked on, getting cigaretts put out on me, the name calling, pushed around, ignored, talked over, namecalling and jokes. I survived it all without a single tear, but I still can't get over this.

I just don't understand and I'm getting tired of feeling like this. If anyone has any suggestions or advice, I would really appreciate any help with this. It just seems to be a bit harder on me being I have no full time job to occupy my thoughts.

LUV

Jean

[Guest sarah f]

I am deeply sorry you still feel this way after that many years ago. Have you spoke about this to a therapist? Maybe you can get your mom or someone else set up to go with you some time so that it is not just you going and that way maybe you won't back out at the last moment. I feel the hurt in your post and hope that you can muster up the strength to go this year so that maybe it might bring some closure to the deep hurt you feel. I am very sad for you right now and have tears in my eyes just writing this to you. Be strong and brave and go see your grandmother and let it all out right there and tell her how you feel and how it hurt you that you could not see her the days leading up to her passing. I hope you can do this and that it helps you.

Love,

Sarah F

[Sally]

My Dear, Sweet, Sensitive Jean,

This is something that is going to be very hard to let go of but that is what you must do, you have got to turn those memories of her loss and the funeral on your birthday into memories of the good times - like the ones you told me about this morning, turn that sadness and mourning into a celebration of her life.

Perhaps actually going and planting those bulbs would help you to let go of the unfinished business - you must let go of the thoughts that you could have changed anything had you been there for her.

This has explained a lot to me and I now understand so much better why you get so intensely involved in all you do but remain distant from those who do love you.

Bring those good memories to the forefront and let the images of death and funerals fade away - they were not the important part - remember the trips to her farm and the closeness of the family before and you can sleep well in the knowledge that she is still with you and always will be.

Maybe you should talk to her and tell her how much you miss her, tell her that you love her and give yourself a little closure, maybe you should do that while you plant those red crocus.

With all of my love,

Sally

[Guest julia_d]

Jean hun.. you need to let go. 13 years is too long to carry this around. Your grandmother would not want you to be tearing yourself up like this and letting loss wreck your life... if the dead had any opinions that is.. which they don't.

OK so I'm hard.. I have to be because I buried both parents and I'm truly alone. I can speak from some experience here about loss and losing people and things..

It's the past.. what is done is done, there may be some regret or wishing things had been different, but it's gone now.. too late.. nothing you or me or anybody else can do about it. You have to accept that only the living have feelings and hopes and fears.. the dead are dead and gone. All we can do is remember them, but in their place.. as part of the past, as something which goes with all the other things which are gone.

If you have a therapist you should bring this up with them because they can help with bereavement counseling.. though 13 years on honestly it's a bit late and you have let this build up out of all realistic proportions.

Now about dealing with this need to make some symbolic gesture .. which is a placebo thing for you, not the person who is gone.. Why do you not know where the grave or marker is? .. maybe there isn't one. My father has a stone that will be neglected in a cemetary in South Wales.. haven't been back or even seen it myself.. My mother got burned and I paid for a brass plate for 10 years.. that will be removed next July when the slot paid for runs out.. I have a bit of paper somewhere with it's plot number on it.. but again I have never felt the need to go and look at the thing. From dust we come and to dust we return.. simple as. The same will one day apply to me.. if I'm lucky somebody will put a plate up somewhere, but if they don't I really won't have any say, and honestly it doesn't matter. If you want to make a gesture why not plant a tree? Get an acorn and germinate it yourself and when it is a couple of years old find somewhere it will not be disturbed and plant it out. The dead do not care what we do.. because they are gone.. so do something to satisfy your needs or close the book and move on.. life happens now and tomorrow, not 13 years ago.. sorry.

Remember.. nothing you do now can change anything except the way you feel. The dead do not care if we remember them or not, in fact they have no feelings or opinions of any kind. That's just part of the natural scheme of things.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Jean, Sweetheart......

I really don't know what to say....

You need to find peace and closure and you need to do it soon, I think.

Maybe finding and planting the bulbs on her grave will be a big help...

Pleas don't let it simmer anymore, Honey......

I love you....

Dee Jay

[Guest viv]

Dear Jean,

What Im getting out of your post is you were totally overcome

by the death of your Grandmother and you are still in that moment

because of "unfinished business" . There is still issues you got to work

out of your system that you are still attaching your self to in the present .

When a loved one dies we are in agony, this agony tapers off as the years

pass and yes we do still shed a tear but moreso remember them with

fondness . This is why I suggest the above , you seem to be still "in the

moment". Your not the first and wont be the last this happens to.So hun,

I would say to you what you have advised a thousand times here at

Laura"s, book a session with a therapist , this problem has overstayed

its welcome and its time to move on , hope it works out for you Jean.

luv,viv

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Jean

Find where she is buried and get some closure! I went to my beloved grandmother's grave only to find it horribly neglected! Doing a bit of weeding and pruning did me a world of good. My grandmother die 1978 - and I NEVER got over that. Her birthday is 13 February so it make Valentines Day sad every year!

BUT

People kept dying afterward - first my beloved aunt (1983) then my dad (1991), then my mother (1999). I learned I have to just keep on going... its a process! As I child I knew I would live forever and all my people would too.

Don't work out that way!

November - my friend Jim died- went to his funeral, and two weeks later, one of the friends there at Jim's funeral had her own funeral! Went to another one (not as close) a week later! AUGGGGGHHHHHH

So where is all this 'happiness' going? NOWHERE!

We are not allowed to be happy - well - not ALL the time!

But consider the alternative - YOU in that $7000 pine box!

Hell with that!

Lizzy

[Paula ult]

Jean hon,

In addition to talking to your therapist about it you might get this book, another moderator told me about it and it helped allot.

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler (Paperback - June 5, 2007)

My mother passed 5 years ago, even though i thought i dealt with it, in fact i had not completely, all of it was dredged up in a therapy session last year, and this book really helped, there are five stages

denial

anger

bargaining

depression

acceptance

Not everyone goes through these stages in order

I try to avoid funerals if at all possible, i end up a babbling mess, i have been to funerals where others go on like it is no big deal like your brother and father, my guess is they may be dealing with the loss in a different way.

Paula

[Guest Jean Davis]

Thank you so very much for all the advice and support. Even writing a reply seems to help me to understand better what I have done wrong in the past and what I should try in the future to help to heal.

Dear Sarah

Unfortunately I'm not seeing a trerapist yet and probably won't have the money to do so for quite awhile. I have been struggling with this for a long time and it has taken it's toll mentally, physicaly and financially. As far as bringing someone along, I would love to do so, but I have so much trouble showing emotions around others that I believe I wouldn't be able to release them. Hopefully this will be the year that I will have the strength to visit her.

Sweet Sally and Donna Jean

The both of you are so very much like my grandmother, both of you have the wonderful ability to bring people together. Perhaps that is why I find talking with you so easy and enjoyable, it is a gift that most don't realize until it is lost. Your every word expresses love and caring, even when your angry or scolding someone. And yes you are absolutely right, I need to remember the good times. It may sound silly but her death is the only bad time I remember, the rest were all good. Though I do believe that I will have to wait on planting those crocus bulb, the ground will still be frozen when I plan on visiting her.

Thank you so much Julia

A little tough loving is just what I needed. And your right I do need to move on, but what I failed to explain is that when I lost my grandmother I also lost so much more. My grandmother brought the family together, when I lost her I also the family time and support. My family grew distant and I don't get to see any of my other relation anymore. All my family that I knew loved her and was always welcomed in her home, so they visited often. It was kinda like getting kicked out in the cold, I found myself with no one to turn to when I needed someone the most.

Dear Viv

I did not realize what I was doing until I lost my job, appearently hiding behind my jobs and hobbies wasn't exactly the best thing to do. I just hope that I can muster the courage to go visit her and that will help untl I can afford to se a therapist. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Thank you Lizzy for understanding

I too believe that I will never fully get over her loss. The answer I must find is how to cope with her loss. Fortunately this has been the only close relation that has passed in my family, unfortunately she was the closest to me. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your loved ones, I hope that you have had more success with dealing with their loss than I have.

Dear Paula

Thank you for the suggestion and title of that book, I'm going to go find it tomorrow and start reading it. I'm sorry to hear of your mothers passing. It is definately interesting how the mind works to protect us from traumatic experiences. By blocking out memories and making us advoid experiences that trigger the pain that we encountered, unfortunately that pain landed on a day I can not advoid or forget.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Jean,

I have seen much death in my life. Grandparents on both sides, uncles, aunts, my dad, andeven some of my friends. None of them were easy, de4ath of a loved one is always hard regardless of the front anyone put up. And everyone has a different way of dealing with it. So don't be upset with how some of your family dealt with your grandma's death. Maybe they were afraid to show just how much it was bothering them. Some people, like myself, accept death more easily. To me it is a part of life and sooner or later we are all going to die. While others, like you and my sister have a much harder time with it. It is okay to cry, it okay to miss them, and it is okay to even be angry, they are all a part of the grieving process. But it sounds like you are stuck in the grieving process and have been for a long time. And you may need counseling to help you get through it. If you don't think about anything else any of us say, please think about that seriously.

I understand you are angry because you wasn't able to say goodbye to your grandma and I can totally understand where you are coming from. There have been many in my life I haven't been able to say goodbye to before they passed. The way I dealt with anger was to tell myself that maybe it was meant for me to remember those I lost as they were through out their life rather than have the memory of how they were and looked at the end. Also I try to believe with all my heart that they knew how much I care and love them. I have had family die of cancer and was on chemo and radiation before they passed and have held many hands as they passed. It is very disturbing to say the least especially if you haven't been around in the last days of someone. It sounds like you and your grandma were close and the only thing you can do is try to remember the good times.

And I agree with the others that say you need closure. Maybe you couldn't be there when she passed and as hard as it will be do what is in your heart and go to the cemetery. Placing those flowers on her grave in the shape of a heart is a beautiful way to say I love you grandma and I will never forget you. That may very well be your door to getting some closure.

I will also tell you this, when someone with a long term illness has been fighting for a long time they just get tired. I had an aunt who had lung cancer and she went through chemo and radiation and it took everything out of her. My dad was on dialysis for 7 years and on those days he was literally drained. Understandably they can get very depressed and simply lose the will to live no matter how strong they were in the past. And once they lose that will to live there is nothing no one, including Dr's, can do except make them comfortable and ease their pain. And all any of us can do in that type of situation is be glad they aren't suffering anymore. There will always be an empty space in our hearts for those we have lost. And throughout our lives we are going to remember them. The memories will stir all sorts of emotions from laughter to crying. In other words we will always have good days and bad days.

And finally as a christian I believe with all my heart that one day there will be a great reunion of our family and friends in a place where there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more tears of sorrow and loss. And that gives me hope, strength, and even some comfort when I lose someone I care about.

I hope something I have said helps you in some way and I hope I have not offended you in anyway. My thoughts and prayers are with you and you can PM me anytime if you need to talk...Huggsss...Katrina

[Guest Chandra]

Dear Jean,

There is an old saying, We are born to die. All of us know this, all life must end. Everything ends the earth the sun even the universe has a finite life. This is the reality of nature, and all of us are products of nature. The one thing that humans have, and other things do not is love and our inner spirit.

The finality of death is so abrupt and staggering it is one of the greatest challenges we will ever face, and everyone deals with it differently. Usually time is a wonderful medicine to dull our emotions, but in your case it seems to have created a cycle of despair that is feeding upon it self for it to persist for such a long time.

Dear Jean I wish I had the magic words to help you, but there is'nt any. But let me say this would your grandmother want you to grieve for this long, I bet not. Remember you always have her in your mind. And the finality of death is only for the body.

The things that made your grandmother so special to you was not the crude matter on the out side. The true essence of your grandmother was on the inside, that was her life force and that dear Jean is eternal.The body is just a machine, who's life is finite. But what makes your grandmother so special is this inner life force, or some would call it a soul or spirit, which you WILL experience again.

We humans are extremely complex, but think about it, are all of our emotions like, hope, love, grief, care, joy, dreams for the future, longing for self awareness and to understand who, what and where we came from merely bio chemistry in our brains or is there more to it . I believe there is much more to it. My whole life I have had to think like a scientist using physics mathematics and physical laws to solve problems. And believe me I have seen several phenomenas that defies any logic or science, and could come up with no explanation other than divine intervention or some kind of phenomena. If you want I will tell you these insensateness.

The jist of all this comes down to, do not grieve for the dead, just the body dies not the spirit, which is eternal.

And at some point you will encounter your grandmothers essence again. God is love and all forgiving.

Dear Jean I have no family left expect two sisters, and this is the conclusion I have reached, I most sincerely hope it helped a little.

Take Care, My prayers will be for you my friend, We are all here for you

Love Chandra

j

dear

sually