I Don't Know What To Do.

[Guest Ryles_D]

For awhile now, I haven't been very comfortable with any kind of touch. Living with my partner makes this difficult, especially since my partner doesn't get two things:

1. I suck at expressing myself. I won't try to hide it. English is not a language I've mastery of, even if it is my first and only language. Also, when something is a big deal, I go into major fight or flight mode and need to get out of there immediately. That happens here, when I try to explain it I end up having a panic attack.

2. I'M NOT COMFORTABLE BEING TOUCHED RIGHT NOW.

It isn't personal to him. My dad hugged me once this month and I had the exact same "Oh my goodness GTFO" reaction I've tried to make this clear for well over a month now. I made the mistake of trying to make it easier for him by trying to give him and put up with as much affection as possible. Once when he was particularly upset, I let him hug me for a few minutes because I knew he needed it. This was a bad idea, as afterwards rather than accepting it and letting me get away to recover- he chose then to start demanding to know why I was so uncomfortable with being touched. The end result? He got pissy that I was upset, I spent the better part of a day trying to recover.

And it keeps getting worse- he doesn't seem to get that when he hugs or kisses me without asking or warning, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. The more he does it, the less comfortable I am.

Awhile earlier he kissed me on the cheek, and when I wiped it off he said "I'll have to get used to that" (me wiping it off, not 'I need to remember to ask first because you're uncomfortable') and then followed it up with "No- you have to get used to it or I'll start licking you instead" (something I loathe). I'm sure it was joking, but the meaning of the words is still there: I'm willing to ignore your obvious discomfort and expect you to accept what I want. Even if these things are said in jest- how am I supposed to be getting more comfortable?

Today he said he wanted to talk- I agreed. He then asked me to sit right next to him- I didn't want to, so I asked why we couldn't talk there, I was only a few feet away and was pretty comfortable where I was. He refused to talk. After a while we ended up talking and after five minutes of "I sometimes dont' say things because I don't want you to get upset", which, by the way, only bothers me and makes it seem like I'm wrong to get upset ended up saying something along the lines of "I don't like how you're uncomfortable sharing a blanket with me".

Okay, so, that's not the worst thing in the world. But I'm guessing what he intended to ask was "I know you're uncomfortable sharing a blanket with me. I don't like this, because

I like sharing a blanket with you and don't like it when you're unhappy. Is there a reason why or anything we can do to ease that?". I'm sure people don't see the problem, it's not that much of a problem, I can appreciate that this is long winded, but the biggest thing is that it wasn't about how I feel or my situation- it was about how he felt about it.

While writing this, he got back home. He immediately walked over and went to hug me, and got offended when I pushed him off. He was annoyed that I was angry and said "I left you alone on purpose so you wouldn't be angry". I never said that being left alone would give me time to calm down, although I cna see the logic, and I wasn't consulted about what actions would be taken to help me feel better.

I'm trying to be calm abuot this and objective, but it's difficult. We get along when there is no breaking my personal boundaries. I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy spending time with him. I do not like my personal needs being treated as less important than someone else's.

Maybe I'm ignoring his needs, but I tried ignoring my own needs to make this easier for him and that made it worse. So here I am in a bit of a bind. I don't know how to make my feelings clear. You can say "why don't you just tell them?" all you want, but when I try to explain it I end up having a panic attack, so that's right out. My way of communicating is primarily through blog posts- that's just how I'm most comfortable. Why? I don't know. But then he takes it as "why can't you tell me when you can tell any number of strangers?" so there's a major language barrier there. I can't communicate the way he wants me to, verbally. He won't listen when I communicate the way that's most natural to me, online.

I don't know what to do.

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

this situation does sound difficult for you. sometimes when someone is trying to help us, they are really just making things worse. I know, as my mother is always trying to "help" me. Panic attacks can be a difficult thing to overcome. Sometimes when I have them I literally think I am going to die. Have you tried perhaps writing a letter to your partner and giving it to them, an email maybe? That way you can get your feelings across without being too close. I don't know if they would listen or not, but I'd say it's worth a try.

[Carolyn Marie]

Ryles, I like Alex's idea. A letter is more personal than an e-mail or blog entry, but it still allows you time to compose it carefully and say

what you want. Its worth a try. Be sure and sign it if you type and print it, so it has at least some personal feeling to it.

If it doesn't work, come back here and let us know and we'll try to find something else that works.

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

Ryles,

When you write that letter start off with the why you are writing rather than just talking - explain about the panic attacks and tell him that you are sorry about them but they are very real and cripple you when you try to talk about important issues.

Good luck and I hope that he will listen.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Wikipedia - its full of errors - but anyway - here is a start:

The fear of being touched (also known as aphephobia, haphephobia, haphophobia, ... is a rare specific phobia that involves the fear of touching or of being touched. ... or predominantly, to being touched by people of the opposite sex.

I have a good friend - FTM - who has this. Its a real thing. I give him hell (he knows I am kidding) when he walks into the glbt meeting - Aze - let me give you a BIG OLE HUG! He shudders! I am a terrrrrrible friend!

So it is nothing to worry about really - you are what you are. If you need to get resolution, this condition, like gender dysphoria - can be discussed with a therapist. I suppose they could be related - but I suspect they are separate conditions.

Hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Guest N. Jane]

In the vast majority of cases, there will be an underlying reason WHY a person does not like being touched, why they have "a large personal space" and it would be very beneficial to investigate this (even with professional help) because it could become a life-long issue. Finding out what is behind it could give you the tools to deal with it and to help others deal with it.

At age 15 I was attacked and I thought I "got over it" but 15 years later if my husband touched me unexpectedly (or worse yet grabbed me by surprise) I'd freak. It took a long time to work though that subconscious fear response.

[Guest Ryles_D]

The fear of being touched (also known as aphephobia, haphephobia, haphophobia, ... is a rare specific phobia that involves the fear of touching or of being touched. ... or predominantly, to being touched by people of the opposite sex.

That might be it, but it's a more recent thing (past few months) not a life-long one, and I don't know what brought it on.

I'm also not seeing a therapist right now. I saw one to get my letter, but I really cn't afford to see one regularly, and I've yet to find one who actually helps me. Most so far have treated me like a case study.

In the vast majority of cases, there will be an underlying reason WHY a person does not like being touched, why they have "a large personal space" and it would be very beneficial to investigate this (even with professional help) because it could become a life-long issue. Finding out what is behind it could give you the tools to deal with it and to help others deal with it.

I would like to find this out, but I don't really have the tools right now, so I'm pretty much stuck just dealing with it.

[Guest]

Well Ryles, I do hope that someday you can work it out. I spent alot of my youth untouchable and it finally resolved. It was a painful time, and happily it's over. I wish you well.

I'll save the hugs for someday when you're ready.

Love, Kat