Cracking Open The Door

[Guest Joyfemme]

I'm a 54 year old male who never left home. Since 8 or 9 I've been fascinated with woman and how they dress by looking at Sears and Wards catalogs. Not as sexual things but how it would feel to look like a woman. In my teenage years I would sneek into my parents bedroom and try on my mother's undies and clothing - even to the point of sneeking out some undies to wear; which was difficult because of large family in the house meant practically no privacy. I was friends with girls and boys but just friends with girls, never a sexual attraction towards girls though I formed strong friendships with one or two boys. As I sexually matured my dreams (and mastrubations) were about me being the woman and being had intercourse. In college on a 'date' (I was attempting to be 'normal') the woman said I was asexual and that going out with me was like going out with her girlfriends. I'm no femme, my habits and mannerisms are male which is from living with four brothers and growing up with a large frame with lots of body hairs. But I've always been different, never as male as my brothers and always being the woman in my dreams (with occasionally wearing woman's clothing when I could. So after taking care of my parents in their old age and then caring for them to peaceful deaths I knew I had to do something. I've been attracted to men, so I sought out a 'gay' mate. I found one and we're living together. He's a male queen (not femme, but not macho) whereas he wants me to be 'the man' in his life I've been slowly becoming more femme in the relationship. I still dream of myself being a woman though I hide it from my mate as he wants 'a man' but I know I'm not but what am I then?

[Guest Pól]

Hi Joyfemme, and welcome to Laura's Playground!

I moved your post here to the Introductions Forum so that everyone will see it. Please take a moment to read the Terms and Conditions for the site so that you don't get surprised by anything (they're up at the top left).

Questioning is fundamentally a good thing, I think. You're taking the time to properly figure out something important -- it's not a trivial thing to figure out in an hour or two, and thinking about it is good. Hang around the playground, feel free to start posting, and hopefully you'll be able to understand some more things about yourself as you hear from others.

Pól

[Guest Donna Jean]

Good morning, Joyfemme...

Welcome to the Playgrouhd, Honey!

Pleas have a seat and I'll get you some hot coco and a plate of Sally's cookies...

My, that was an interesting post!

Thank you for sharing that with.

I can't really give you any advice right now, but, I'm sure you'll get plenty and also be able to read lots to help you sort out your feelings...

It's really nice to have you her!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest A.S.]

Welcome to Laura's. we hope you enjoy this site as much as we do. .

Peace.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome Joy

Welcome to Laura's hon. Now honey, I would not worry about trying to pigeon hole yourself into a specific catagory. Just continue being who you are, and recognize your feelings.

As you express your true self, things will become more clear to you.

Posting here at Laura's is an excellent way to help find yourself

So Post sweetie!!!!

Love

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My - what a first posting!

I donno what to say! We are a support group but we are certainly not therapists by any means!

You appear to be Gender Dysphoric - but you need to consult a therapist - one specializing in gender issues.

And being or not being 'gay?" Your post should reflect how you love this partner, unconditionally, not dependant on that persons gender - but it didn't so I am confused. Being gender dysphoric myself, I don't think the rules apply to us. How can we be or not be considered homosexual when we are so all over the place.

I personally love women and don't like men very much. That's just me. I am not 'femme,' I am female. I suppose I can be considered a Lesbian by some standards - but I want to experience intimacy as a female - with a male - so I am classified bi-sexual by my therapist. Doesn't mean anything.

BUT

I do know this - you MUST be honest with your partner - and as soon as possible. But be warned, my experience is gay men have no better understanding of transsexuality that anyone else. Your partner wants a butch male? Are you that? Are you a butch female? You need to discuss this with a therapist.

Just an opinion.

Elizabeth

[Guest casper]

Hi Joy,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Joy! I am certain you'll find many answers to your questions here, and friends to share ideas and

feelings and experiences. Look around the forums and post your questions and comments and you will received thoughtful,

intelligent responses.

After five posts you will have all the rights of membership, including sending private messages (PM's) to other members.

I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest brenda lee]

I'm a 54 year old male who never left home. Since 8 or 9 I've been fascinated with woman and how they dress by looking at Sears and Wards catalogs. Not as sexual things but how it would feel to look like a woman. In my teenage years I would sneek into my parents bedroom and try on my mother's undies and clothing - even to the point of sneeking out some undies to wear; which was difficult because of large family in the house meant practically no privacy. I was friends with girls and boys but just friends with girls, never a sexual attraction towards girls though I formed strong friendships with one or two boys. As I sexually matured my dreams (and mastrubations) were about me being the woman and being had intercourse. In college on a 'date' (I was attempting to be 'normal') the woman said I was asexual and that going out with me was like going out with her girlfriends. I'm no femme, my habits and mannerisms are male which is from living with four brothers and growing up with a large frame with lots of body hairs. But I've always been different, never as male as my brothers and always being the woman in my dreams (with occasionally wearing woman's clothing when I could. So after taking care of my parents in their old age and then caring for them to peaceful deaths I knew I had to do something. I've been attracted to men, so I sought out a 'gay' mate. I found one and we're living together. He's a male queen (not femme, but not macho) whereas he wants me to be 'the man' in his life I've been slowly becoming more femme in the relationship. I still dream of myself being a woman though I hide it from my mate as he wants 'a man' but I know I'm not but what am I then?

Joyfemme, Sweetie ,welcome to the playground ,growing up for me was pretty close to what you described .LOL BrendaLee

[Sally]

Hello Joyfemme,

Welcome to the forums and your new family.

What you are is what you must determine for yourself but a therapist trained in gender identity disorders can be a very helpful guide.

When you know more about your situation tell your partner what you know, you can tell him now that you are questioning yourself and seeking professional help but do not keep it a secret - when he finds out he will be hurt if he feels that you were lying to him.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jean Davis]

Hey Joyfemme

Welcome to the family, so nice to see you.

I would love to add something more to my post but it seems that everyone has covered what I wanted to say.

All I can say is that the people her are all very friendly and supportive and will help whenever they can. So don't be shy, post all you want, ask questions and offer your comments.

LUV

Jean

[EVAN_DESU]

Welcome.

[Guest Joyfemme]

Thanks for welcome and advice. It's been perplexing about having these feelings yet wondering what it means.

Hugs,

Joy

[Guest sarah f]

Welcome to Laura's Joy.

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Joyfemme]

Well it's the weekend and again thanks for all the replies. After reading other posts and thinking about it I see the wider range of possibilities. If I had been stronger in my youth I would have considered a transition. But not everything is black and white instead because I've lived as a man old habits and relationships are hard to break. I envy those you make the transition for it takes a determination that is not easy to achieve with the pressures from family and others.

So where does that leave me, I'm male outside but female inside. The opposites have made a peace between them yet the feminine inside wants at least some physical representation on the outside. So I ponder what is possible without leaving my sphere of comfort.

Thanks,

Joy

[Guest Joyfemme]

Joyfemme, Sweetie ,welcome to the playground ,growing up for me was pretty close to what you described .LOL BrendaLee

It's maddening sometimes, sometimes I feel so womanly and other times male but my overall feeling is female.