Wow, Where Would I Begin?

[Guest Melissa Marie]

Hello everyone. Some of you have seen some of my posts, but I haven't really introduced myself, and that is rude of me. So, without further ado, I am Melissa. I am a 41 year old mtf, and have been struggling with this most of my life. I should have already transitioned, have transitioned, and now have to re-transition, all over again. Ready for a tale? Good.

Years ago, what seems an eon now, I was around 9 years of age when I went up to my mom. I asked if I could see her in private, and she said sure. I took her to the bathroom, and I asked her if I could have surgery. She looked at me all confused. What 9 year old requests surgery??? So, bashfully, I looked downward toward my privates. She followed my eyes, and asked me, so...you want it bigger? I was horrified. I said no, I want it gone. Even then I knew something wasn't right with me, but didn't know anything about gender dysphoria, or transsexualism. I had no idea on the road I would now lead.

In school, oh, that was fun. I am Japanese/American. My mother is 100% Japanese, my Father is german and norwegian. A nice mix of axis powers. Growing up in a very white, very conservative community, I was faced with all kinds of prejudice. I hated the fact that I was japanese, and I hated the fact that I was a girl, but didn't have the features to match what I was. Elementary school taught me to hate, and to hide my feelings. Grade school taught me that I was growing into a monster each day, and there was nothing I could do about it. By the time I hit highschool, I was already drinking and smoking weed, and tobacco. Then, came puberty....oh god!!!! Could it get any worse? Why had my soul decide to occupy this body? Truly I must have been extremely bad in a past life to encounter so much bad karma. I progress thru highschool, not having very many friends, never really fitting in with the guys, was never a fighter, hated fights, yet got into many of them, I just never fought back, just took their beatings. I could relate to the girls, but was so scared of talking to them, that I became an isolationist. Oh I would watch them, even mimic them, oh how I would have loved to talk with them about hair, make-up, clothes, boys, etc. Somewhere along the lines, I managed to buy my first pair of panties around the age of 14. I was so scared. I didn't know what size I was, nor did I have the courage to ask a sales rep how to measure me. I wanted to be like any other girl so badly that I was afraid of them...after all, if you idolize something, the last thing you want is to have that idol ridicule you. I had enough of that already. So, from there, I went to socks, then jeans, then some shirts. All this before I even graduated. I had girlfriends, but that wasn't really healthy, and ended up being heart broke. I relented at some point in my life to try to be the biological sex I was born with, only to find that it made me hate myself all the more. Eventually, I wound up with one girl, and some bad things happened and I went to prison for 5 years.

Those years were very difficult. I was literally a woman in a mens world. Sure there was one other girl I could relate to there, as she was ts. The others that I saw were uhm... gay. I could not identify with them at all. Infact, I am ashamed to say, I hated them. I would hear bad comments that put me in that same situation, to which I would have to correct them. If I was gay, then that would make me a lesbian. When you figure out how that could be, then come back to me and we will have an intelligent conversation. I explored my transsexuality throughout prison, and found out that if you act like a lady, and not a tramp, people will respect you as such. I was finally getting the hang of all of this, however, the d.o.c. had other ideas. Apparently, they got tired of trying to protect me, and transferred me from place to place, to finally releasing me. While in prison, I had literally destroyed my testicles, and they had to be surgically removed. That took years to get done, but it was done, and I was thrilled. By this time, I was 26. Still no hormones, and now no testosterone either. Once I got out of prison, I immediately petitioned the court for a name change, which is legal and binding now, as is my social security card, and my birth certificate. Though, I have these things, I also kept my male alias in case I needed it. Prison taught me to be a survivor, to always have a plan, to execute and to be proficient. It taught me that I need to do what I need to do to make it. I learned a lot in prison, not all of it bad. Thank god the boys that I hung around with protected me. Can't get that type of help out here in the streets. Hmmm, wonder what's wrong with that picture.

Anyway, I got out, had all this going for me, went and found the counselor that I was working with while I was in the d.o.c. She listened to my autobiography, and nodded her head. She said yep, you are transsexual, and we need to get you on hormones. YAY!!! Mission accomplished....sort of. I go see the doctor, he starts me out on hormones, and all is well. I start to develop, and I am thrilled with what is going on. Yet, I still have to work, and still have to have a place to stay. Hmmm. Seems this is going to be a predicament. I find a job, start working, and do what I can for the company. I keep myself incognito, as I need a job to survive. I am not passable yet as a female, and I need a lot of work, of which, the little place I came from does not have the resources to help me transition. I keep doing what I need to do. Eventually, I ended up losing my job, for other reasons. I was living with a girl, she knew I was ts, and was fine with it. I was very happy at this, until I got a dui one night and found myself in jail. Nothing new there, I been to prison, so jail was jail. I informed the guard that I am ts, I am taking female hormones, and they went oops. Uhm, we need to put you somewhere else...so they did. Solitary confinement. (sighs) Anyhow, I had a jail sentence of 30 days with work release which is fine. They allow me to go home to shower before going to work. Cool. So I go home, go up the stairs and in a pile of clothing, I find condoms. Hmmm, says I. I don't have testicles, so I don't wear condoms, don't need them. So I grab them, go downstairs to my gf, and ask, uhm, bets? Who's are these, and laid them down on the keyboard where she was typing away. She got really quiet. Alrighty then. Cats away, the mouse will play. She and I split up, I can't get to work, cuz my car is impounded, I lose my job, and I am screwed.

I end up moving in with my mom. I am chatting with a woman that I met online, and things get serious. At this point in time, I am no longer on hormones, I am not on anything. I end up leaving all that I know up in wisconsin, and fly down to florida. I lived in limbo for the next 10 years. I tried going back on testosterone, only to find I hate myself for it. I begin drinking very heavily, and not really doing much of anything. My mom passes away, and now I have no way of going home. Much less a place to live. So, finally, I tell my fiance of 10 years, that I am unhappy with who I am, and wish to pursue my transitioning all over again. She says thats fine, but I would be doing it alone. She said that it is intriguing, and maybe even a little arousing, but she told me she needs to have a male in her life. I accept that. What I feel bad about, is that I just threw away 10 years of my life. I mean sure, there was good, and the bad...and the ugly.

Anyhow, now I am stuck again, and I am trying my hardest to move back to wisconsin. Even though I could probably get better treatment here in florida, wisconsin is where my heart and soul is. My family and friends who support my ts ism are up there, and I know that I can just slip right back into it again. I just have to get there. With the economy as bad as it is, me not having a job here or there, will make it very difficult. Yet, I can not stay here. I have alienated my life here with my ex fiance, her daughter, and her son, who knows nothing of this, and will not know anything of this. They are her kids, not mine. Anyway, this is who I am... I am me.

with love,

Melissa

[Carolyn Marie]

Melissa Marie (love that middle name - wonder why?), welcome ("officially") to the Playground. I know you've been around here for a bit, but you still deserve that welcome tray of Sally's cookies and some hot

cocoa, which will even come in handy down in Florida this week.

Thank you for posting this intro and bio, hon. It is an understatement to say that you've had a very difficult and traumatic life. Yet, you've managed to survive

with some semblance of humanity and optimism. I congratulate you for that. It says a lot about you.

While you've made some mistakes along the way, you won't find me or anyone else here judging you. As you know this is a support site, and that's what we do.

I trust that you can find friends and kindred spirits here, and maybe even the answers to some of your problems. We will do all we can.

I'm glad you found us, and glad to have you here. You're part of the family now.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Melissa Marie]

Cookies and hot cocoa? Ohh, that is soooo evil....lol. Thanks for the welcome, and yes, it is nice to be supported. I like it here, though the delayed post thing is a bother. I am getting use to it.

Comfort food....yummy

[Guest viv]

Hi Hun......if I aint before then let me now welcome you to Laura"s .

luv,viv

[Guest casper]

Hi Mellissa,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest praisedbeherhooves]

Hello everyone. Some of you have seen some of my posts, but I haven't really introduced myself, and that is rude of me. So, without further ado, I am Melissa. I am a 41 year old mtf, and have been struggling with this most of my life. I should have already transitioned, have transitioned, and now have to re-transition, all over again. Ready for a tale? Good.

Years ago, what seems an eon now, I was around 9 years of age when I went up to my mom. I asked if I could see her in private, and she said sure. I took her to the bathroom, and I asked her if I could have surgery. She looked at me all confused. What 9 year old requests surgery??? So, bashfully, I looked downward toward my privates. She followed my eyes, and asked me, so...you want it bigger? I was horrified. I said no, I want it gone. Even then I knew something wasn't right with me, but didn't know anything about gender dysphoria, or transsexualism. I had no idea on the road I would now lead.

In school, oh, that was fun. I am Japanese/American. My mother is 100% Japanese, my Father is german and norwegian. A nice mix of axis powers. Growing up in a very white, very conservative community, I was faced with all kinds of prejudice. I hated the fact that I was japanese, and I hated the fact that I was a girl, but didn't have the features to match what I was. Elementary school taught me to hate, and to hide my feelings. Grade school taught me that I was growing into a monster each day, and there was nothing I could do about it. By the time I hit highschool, I was already drinking and smoking weed, and tobacco. Then, came puberty....oh god!!!! Could it get any worse? Why had my soul decide to occupy this body? Truly I must have been extremely bad in a past life to encounter so much bad karma. I progress thru highschool, not having very many friends, never really fitting in with the guys, was never a fighter, hated fights, yet got into many of them, I just never fought back, just took their beatings. I could relate to the girls, but was so scared of talking to them, that I became an isolationist. Oh I would watch them, even mimic them, oh how I would have loved to talk with them about hair, make-up, clothes, boys, etc. Somewhere along the lines, I managed to buy my first pair of panties around the age of 14. I was so scared. I didn't know what size I was, nor did I have the courage to ask a sales rep how to measure me. I wanted to be like any other girl so badly that I was afraid of them...after all, if you idolize something, the last thing you want is to have that idol ridicule you. I had enough of that already. So, from there, I went to socks, then jeans, then some shirts. All this before I even graduated. I had girlfriends, but that wasn't really healthy, and ended up being heart broke. I relented at some point in my life to try to be the biological sex I was born with, only to find that it made me hate myself all the more. Eventually, I wound up with one girl, and some bad things happened and I went to prison for 5 years.

Those years were very difficult. I was literally a woman in a mens world. Sure there was one other girl I could relate to there, as she was ts. The others that I saw were uhm... gay. I could not identify with them at all. Infact, I am ashamed to say, I hated them. I would hear bad comments that put me in that same situation, to which I would have to correct them. If I was gay, then that would make me a lesbian. When you figure out how that could be, then come back to me and we will have an intelligent conversation. I explored my transsexuality throughout prison, and found out that if you act like a lady, and not a tramp, people will respect you as such. I was finally getting the hang of all of this, however, the d.o.c. had other ideas. Apparently, they got tired of trying to protect me, and transferred me from place to place, to finally releasing me. While in prison, I had literally destroyed my testicles, and they had to be surgically removed. That took years to get done, but it was done, and I was thrilled. By this time, I was 26. Still no hormones, and now no testosterone either. Once I got out of prison, I immediately petitioned the court for a name change, which is legal and binding now, as is my social security card, and my birth certificate. Though, I have these things, I also kept my male alias in case I needed it. Prison taught me to be a survivor, to always have a plan, to execute and to be proficient. It taught me that I need to do what I need to do to make it. I learned a lot in prison, not all of it bad. Thank god the boys that I hung around with protected me. Can't get that type of help out here in the streets. Hmmm, wonder what's wrong with that picture.

Anyway, I got out, had all this going for me, went and found the counselor that I was working with while I was in the d.o.c. She listened to my autobiography, and nodded her head. She said yep, you are transsexual, and we need to get you on hormones. YAY!!! Mission accomplished....sort of. I go see the doctor, he starts me out on hormones, and all is well. I start to develop, and I am thrilled with what is going on. Yet, I still have to work, and still have to have a place to stay. Hmmm. Seems this is going to be a predicament. I find a job, start working, and do what I can for the company. I keep myself incognito, as I need a job to survive. I am not passable yet as a female, and I need a lot of work, of which, the little place I came from does not have the resources to help me transition. I keep doing what I need to do. Eventually, I ended up losing my job, for other reasons. I was living with a girl, she knew I was ts, and was fine with it. I was very happy at this, until I got a dui one night and found myself in jail. Nothing new there, I been to prison, so jail was jail. I informed the guard that I am ts, I am taking female hormones, and they went oops. Uhm, we need to put you somewhere else...so they did. Solitary confinement. (sighs) Anyhow, I had a jail sentence of 30 days with work release which is fine. They allow me to go home to shower before going to work. Cool. So I go home, go up the stairs and in a pile of clothing, I find condoms. Hmmm, says I. I don't have testicles, so I don't wear condoms, don't need them. So I grab them, go downstairs to my gf, and ask, uhm, bets? Who's are these, and laid them down on the keyboard where she was typing away. She got really quiet. Alrighty then. Cats away, the mouse will play. She and I split up, I can't get to work, cuz my car is impounded, I lose my job, and I am screwed.

I end up moving in with my mom. I am chatting with a woman that I met online, and things get serious. At this point in time, I am no longer on hormones, I am not on anything. I end up leaving all that I know up in wisconsin, and fly down to florida. I lived in limbo for the next 10 years. I tried going back on testosterone, only to find I hate myself for it. I begin drinking very heavily, and not really doing much of anything. My mom passes away, and now I have no way of going home. Much less a place to live. So, finally, I tell my fiance of 10 years, that I am unhappy with who I am, and wish to pursue my transitioning all over again. She says thats fine, but I would be doing it alone. She said that it is intriguing, and maybe even a little arousing, but she told me she needs to have a male in her life. I accept that. What I feel bad about, is that I just threw away 10 years of my life. I mean sure, there was good, and the bad...and the ugly.

Anyhow, now I am stuck again, and I am trying my hardest to move back to wisconsin. Even though I could probably get better treatment here in florida, wisconsin is where my heart and soul is. My family and friends who support my ts ism are up there, and I know that I can just slip right back into it again. I just have to get there. With the economy as bad as it is, me not having a job here or there, will make it very difficult. Yet, I can not stay here. I have alienated my life here with my ex fiance, her daughter, and her son, who knows nothing of this, and will not know anything of this. They are her kids, not mine. Anyway, this is who I am... I am me.

with love,

Melissa

You are a very brave and strong woman. You went through all of those painful experiences and you are still here. I have to say I admire you. Good luck with your future because you deserve a great one. Welcome to Laura's Playground.

[Guest]

Hi Melissa,

Welcome to Laura's!

I have to admire your strength to get through all of the chaos that your life has been. I hope that things improve for you.

It sounds like you have the tools to pull it together and make progress toward your goals - Laura's can help you while you do, so stick around with us.

Love, Kat

[Guest ricka]

Welcome and a Big Hug Melissa! Wow! all I can say is what doesn't kill us makes us stronger! You are one very strong sister! In one way or another all of us are making that journey to return home where we belong, whether literally or allegorically. And for many of us Laura's is home---that place of finding love and acceptance and understanding.

Ricka

[Guest Melissa Marie]

<smiles>Thanks for the wonderful support. I just re-read my bio, and thought to myself, hey, why not send this off to my therapist. So I just copy pasted it into a word format and sent it to her. I hope now she can see what type of life I had. My counselor that I did have, retired, so I have to find a new counselor, and I have been working with this one woman up in Wisconsin that could help me when I get back there. With all the things I have gone thru, one would think I could be my own counselor...lol. So, I sent it out, and hopefully this coming week I will hear from her. She has been in contact with me, so I am ever hopeful.

Once again, thanks for all the support. I know we all need a hug now and then...and...before I forget. A nice plate of cookies and hot cocoa always brings a smile, and sweetness to the body.

Loves yah bunches!

Melissa

[Guest A.S.]

Welcome to Laura's