Do You Have Problems Loving?

[Guest Lynnx]

Sally seemed to spawn a lot of discussion here. After reading her post this what i felt. I have problems loving. I could never say what i felt until i saw a councilor in college. I could not complete the sentence "I feel ________" until he pointed that out to me.

I especially have problems loving the gender that I was "supposed" to be, but am not. I think this is because they were all i had to play with, and i couldn't fit in.

I can love everybody "theoretically" due do my spirituality, but in reality i just look at them and sigh. Pop psychology says that if i can't love, i can't love myself. But i think it's a little more complex that just that trite phase.

Why don't people value the truth more. They say they do, but when you give it to them, they don't want to hear it, and they turn around and accuse you of lying...and it seems like everyone lies nowadays and the is no honor anymore. This is part of my problem with people.

[Guest]

We're messy animals, aren't we? This blessing of self-consciousness may be really a curse. People lie, they hurt each other, they hurt themselves. It's hard to love all of that sometimes, especially when you're hurt by others.

For me, it's worked to let go of pain and replace it with love. It's like putting a bandaid on a scrape - just that simple and wonderful. I'm perhaps one of the lucky ones to have found this space, and admittedly there are times when it's not as strong. Perhaps it's a big delusion even - but it works for me.

I hope you can find a space of acceptance someday too.

Love, Kat

[Guest Justme]

I understand what you are saying. In this day, it is hard to find good people...people that you can trust when they say they love you . Your writing made me think of a Neil Diamond song. a song I listen to alot. Here are the words.

Title: I Am I Said

Yea....I am....You are.....let's help each other....instead of making this trans stuff a competition.

[Guest viv]

Hi Hun,,,,for me the abillity to love is as important as the abillity

to breath, an intricate part of being human /humane .luv,,viv

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

Mine tells me I do not have the ability to differentiate between love and sex and that is part of my problem. Hopefully I'll figure it out some day, but I do not know if it is linked with my issue of being transgendered or not.

Since I do not understand the difference between love and sex I would assume that means I have a problem loving, that or I am incredibly easy.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Lynnx

Sometimes when people do not want to hear the truth it is because it is the truth. I am sure you have heard of the inconvenient truth. I wouldn't assume that everyone lies however. Most people try to do and say the right thing.

Love is a complex emotion and there are many levels to it as you have even described in your topic.

The cornerstone of love is trust. When you can trust someone you are then open to love.

Love is trust, sharing, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, support, hope, and truth.

I do hope that you will get to experience true love in your life, and I am sure that you will.

Love is truely wonderful

Brenda

[Guest viv]

Hi Hun,,,,for me the abillity to love is as important as the abillity

to breath, an intricate part of being human /humane .luv,,viv

I wish to add to this post . In no way am I implying that any

person has not the abillity to love or be loved , we all have.

I appologise to any of our family here who feel I meant so ,

I did not . viv.

[Guest Neuro]

There's all sorts of different love out there, that is equally loving.

I am attracted to men and women. But I have no desire to be with them sexually, emotionally, or romantically. People make me nervous, and when you share your feelings with a girlfriend they will tell everyone and spin it around.

My love is my friends, and my writing. My writing graphic novels with characters, stories and art is the thing I love more than I could give a woman (or man) so it is what I choose to pursue, it would only make a significant other jealous.

I am happy the way I am, and happiest knowing I will never have to put my life on pause because a kid got sick or a husband had a business trip. On my own, there is 0% stress and I can accomplish so many things. I LOVE writing.

What I HATE is when people pity me, thinking I must be lonely, or some sort of closeted sex maniac for being a virgin never even been kissed.

What's the big deal?

I am more alone in a room of 100 people than when I can be by myself, writing.

Alone does not mean Lonely.

Stop being judgmental and calling me a loser single or whatever.

Because I am happy by myself. Most of the couples I know, they do not last. Or they make a dumb mistake and break up, and become a 'lonely single.'

All kinds of love are special, not just romance.

I love everyone here,

I love my parents,

My country,

Neighbors,

Friends,

Family,

Pets,

YOU.

I am not alone, neither should you be. Do not feel alone from all the holiday hype. You are loved, and have love whether you like it or not!! Kind of like ...MOLD.

[Guest BeckyTG]

Sally seemed to spawn a lot of discussion here. After reading her post this what i felt. I have problems loving.

I can love everybody "theoretically" due do my spirituality, but in reality i just look at them and sigh. Pop psychology says that if i can't love, i can't love myself. But i think it's a little more complex that just that trite phase.

Why don't people value the truth more. They say they do, but when you give it to them, they don't want to hear it, and they turn around and accuse you of lying...and it seems like everyone lies nowadays and the is no honor anymore. This is part of my problem with people.

I'm going to take issue with one statement, that "if I can't love, I can't love myself". I believe that's backwards. I don't see how anyone can love others until they first love THEMSELVES.

We're all a product of our upbringing and if all we ever heard was how worthless we are or how we'll never amount to anything, it's pretty hard to shake those beliefs. If we've been told we're not loved or we're not worth loving, this can be devastating.

I can't imagine a soul in the world who shouldn't love themselves (notice I didn't say can't, won't don't, I only said shouldn't). We are who we are and WE are the only ones who can control who we are.

Yes, we can control who we are. My advice is to look inward and work on ourselves first if we have trouble relating to others. In Ben Franklin's autobiography, he tells how he changed himself using a list and making a conscious effort every day to do so.

The next thing is how you see everyone around you doing things that repulse you, in your case, "everyone lies to you". First off, I don't know anything about you. I don't know who you are, where you've been or how you act. I say this so you'll hopefully understand that my comments are not in any way directed at you. OK?

I've found that people who accuse others of the same bad things over and over are generally projecting their own perceived faults onto others. This is a defense mechanism called "projection" that you'll learn when you study basic personality types and behavior.

It's been my experience that when someone tells me "They can't trust me", what they're really saying is THEY aren't trustworthy themselves. I can't think of an exception where they could be trusted after they said this about me.

I find the same is true about those who profess their religion loudly, publicly and to all within earshot or visual range. The more they say they follow the Lord's teachings, the less I believe them. In business, these are the people most likely to write bad checks. Really.

All I'm saying here is that if you think "everyone you meet lies to you", maybe the answer is within your own heart. Again, I don't know you, I can only relate what I know and hope there's something there that you find of value. If you don't, I'm not offended and no response is needed.

Go back and read what Sally really wrote about and that was her own battle with loving herself. Once she accepted herself as lovable, the lights came on and she could love others.

It can be difficult for us to love ourselves, since we don't see the right person when we look in the mirror due to gender issues.

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest ChloëC]

As Forrest Gump said, "I know what love is". But, for me, that certainly doesn't mean that I know when I'm feeling it.

We all know that there are different kinds of 'love'. I mean, I hope the feelings I have towards my spouse are not exactly the same I have towards my mother.

I have very strong feelings towards both, and my siblings, and others, I'm just not sure if those are really love.

And I don't know if I love myself. I accept myself. I don't like things about myself. I wish I were different. I think it's tough to feel 'love' when you have all these feelings messing around inside (thanks, Kat). To me loving oneself goes way beyond accepting oneself, like I can blow away all my faults. I really don't have to change anything, cuz, hey, I love myself and doesn't love conquor all? Isn't love supposed to allow me to look past all those faults and say, for example to my spouse - I love you anyway? Like that means, my spouse can keep doing those things that continue to irritate me a little? So, if I love myself, I now get a pass? Ha! Not to me, it doesn't.

I accept myself as I am, but I know there are things I would really like to change, some small, some not so small. That's not really love, is it!

Yet, being a spiritual person, not only am I in full agreement with the two prime (Christian) commandments, regardless of one's religious (or non-religious) affiliation, I think the second one transcends any religion. We really should love our neighbor. That's a lot better than thinking about hating them. Hate is so wrong. Yet, even here, as I've mentioned elsewhere, there's this one guy....But I know <sigh> if I do meet him, he will either be destitute and I'll feel sorry for him, or he'll be so successful, that I'll slink away. I certainly won't be able to bring myself either way to say 'I love you.' So, basically I fail there too.

Well, what's one to do? As I said, I accept myself, as I am, faults and all. I work at changing the things I can...yeah, yeah, serenity, courage, wisdom...I got it. Certainly easier said than done. I've been plugging away at them for a whole lot of years. Hopefully, I have enough years left where I can actually inch up on that curve, maybe get a little ahead. That would be a success.

The mantra I do tend to live by is - not as much as I hoped, but better than I expected. Sort of acceptance, with little pushes. And all, hopefully tinged with a little love.

Chloë

ps - has anyone ever seen a tombstone with - 'He loved himself' emblazoned on it? (and not meant sarcastically?) If that's what we're all supposed to be pushing for, why isn't it considered a crowning achievement?

[Paula ult]

Lynnx,

Neuro wrote this "I am attracted to men and women. But I have no desire to be with t.hem sexually, emotionally, or romantically."

My whole 57 years i liked just about everyone as a friend, but i could not love them sexually, emotionally or romantically, my mother, rest her soul, always asked when i was going to get married and give her grandchildren, i never had an answer for her cause i did not know why myself, then one day in November 2008 i was reading something on the internet and it described me to a T, it talked about asexuality, i never knew there was such a thing, but i knew right away that i was asexual, was i this way because i hid my true self from others, i may never know.

My therapist in the beginning and from from time to time asks me who i am attracted to sexually, my answer was that i was asexual, but i could see myself partnered with a GG a FtM or even another MtF under the right conditions, but not in a sexual way.

I have a partner now who is FtM, we met by accident, he contacted a chat mod wanting Paula's phone number, he said he would have

Paula call him, guess what, wrong Paula , but we both lived in Cleveland and were going to the same trans support group, we met there and today he lives with me, i am finding out i may not be as asexual as i thought i was, i am ro

mantically and emotionally involved, the sexually part may happen given enough time together.

Trust is a must in any relationship, my partner is an open book, i know everything about him, but for some reason find it hard to do the same, it is something i am working on correcting.

Paula

[Guest Lynnx]

The next thing is how you see everyone around you doing things that repulse you, in your case, "everyone lies to you". First off, I don't know anything about you. I don't know who you are, where you've been or how you act. I say this so you'll hopefully understand that my comments are not in any way directed at you. OK?

I've found that people who accuse others of the same bad things over and over are generally projecting their own perceived faults onto others. This is a defense mechanism called "projection" that you'll learn when you study basic personality types and behavior.

It's been my experience that when someone tells me "They can't trust me", what they're really saying is THEY aren't trustworthy themselves. I can't think of an exception where they could be trusted after they said this about me.

I know you don't know anything about me. I'll tell you why that psychology is not true for me. I am virtually a pathological truth teller. About 10 years ago i had a dream that told me that some lies are good (it was about making a lie so that other people wouldn't be tortured to death), and that helped me be more normal. Because of that dream, I allowed myself to tell my child that i would be making 3 lies to him, and when he grew up he would understand. ( Tooth fairy, Easter bunny, Santa Clause ) The only lie in my life that i can think of would be the fact that i identified with boys, and now i not lying about that.

i did study psychology enough to know about projection. But not enough to know what's wrong with me. I think i may have less white brains in my head than normal, making it hard to make connections, understand jokes, make witty comebacks, and being too literal, and therefore just be less liked.