Haven't Been Around In A Bit...

[Guest JD_Divine]

I just needed to post this... right now my family is getting ready to host a family reunion/birthday party. There will be over 60 people in my house tonight. Thats not the issue.

I got dressed. I only have one pair of pants that fits me and it happens to be a mens pair of 32 32 jeans. Well, Im 5'3" and I should be wearing 32 30 but can't find that awkward size... And Im wearing a very nice new sweater I bought over the weekend... Well, I think its anice sweater. A mens sweater. Brown with offwhite sleeves that have an orange stripe. Maybe I'll post a picture if I can get a picure. With my hair as short as it is and my outfit being all mens clothes,. I pass a bit too well. I had said before I planned to NOT come out to my family... well...

The questions were starting the last week or 2. I kept saying please don't ask. Kept deferring the remarks and questions. Kept insisting they didn't want to start that conversation. Today it all came to an end.

I came out to my family today... and right now, with the screaming and fighting going on in front of my daughter, I just wanna crawl in a grave and never come out.

mom's reaction "At least I know you'll never get the surgery cuz you'll never be able to afford it and its elective, insurance won't ever cover it. And now nobody is going to ever love you or take you seriously cuz everyone knows yu have screwed every man you've ever dated. Its why you've got these STDs. Now nobody is going to want you because you're a freak. And have you told Mackenzie's father yet? Cuz that'll go over SO well, you'll never see her again. And if you do, whats she going to call you? Thats just sick."

so here I am crying hiding wanting to just... Im devestated. i refuse to wear the girl stuff cuz it just makes me feel like a drag queen... no offense to crossdressers but Ive lived 26 years in that role and I can't do it anymore.

With being single and V day being tomorrow and the party tonight and all the anger in this house, I feel so sick and angry and rageful... And theres nothing I can do but post and hope for the best.

Oh... on a positive note, I have taken the name Gabriel Jae.

~Gabriel

[Carolyn Marie]

Gabriel, I'm so sorry its turned out this way for you. I know how much this hurts, especially when your daughter was present. That was cruel

of your mother and whoever else was party to the "debate" (not counting you).

I know it doesn't really help to hear this, but coming out very often ends this way, at least at first. Family members often react out of anger, confusion,

fear, prejudice, and ignorance. It is also true that it doesn't have to be the end of the conversation.

Give your mother and others who know, a chance to get over the initial shock. It is a lot to take in all at once, even if you thought they might have

suspected something along those lines. Tell them you want to talk about it more, calmly, without your daughter present. If they can't agree to a

calm and reasonable discussion then put it off until they do agree to it. It needs to be on your terms, not theirs.

When you do talk to them, explain it all, starting at the beginning. Explain how you feel being in the wrong body, how transition is the only way you can

be happy, and if they love you and want to see you happy, they should support you and make an effort to understand. Give them something to read

about being TG. Or put your thoughts in a letter.

What you don't need right now is more anger, distrust, and fear. Its possible they will never make an effort to understand. You won't know until you

try. Give it some time, and then give it another shot. I wish you luck.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest NatashaJade]

Gabriel, life is not always a bed of roses. People are not as nice or decent as we would like them to be and sometimes all we have is the certainty that nothing is certain. I know it feels like support is hard to come by, especially when the people who really should be supportive aren't. And then, perhaps, you post here and don't get the kind of response you would like and it seems like no one cares, really. But that's not true. I know I care. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say and I feel like I'm just parroting platitudes, but I really do care. I read what others, you, have posted here and I want to do something. I want to drive out and hug you and tell you that someone out in the world cares, even though I don't know you personally. I care because you are here, like me, and you need someone who you know accepts you as you are and as you want to be with no question and that is so very, very important. Sometimes the people here at Laura's are the only ones who really understand what we are going through and even if they don't have the words to that we may need, they are reading and they care. There's so much negativity out there, directed at us or at others or where ever and there has to be something good in our lives that keeps us going from day to day. Know that this is a good place, somewhere safe, even though it is out in the ether and you can be here and know we care, or at least know that I care.

Be well, Gabriel.

luv

Gin

[Guest JD_Divine]

I'd try talking to them if it was intended that I come out. It wasn't. On top of that they beat the carp out of me most my life and its a constant mental abuse bombardment day in and day out. They just make it a point to be LOUDER when my daughter is here. BUt due to some unexpected fighting with her father, looks like I won't be seeing her...

I had posted this elsewhere on saturday but needed to post it here. Im close to slipping off the ledge of sanity and have no way up off the edge. I drank myself into a stuppor the other night to get thru the party. I passed so well my own family members didn't know who I was until I spoke. They thought I was some random man in the house.

While I do so love passing... I just wish I could self destruct. I can't live like this.

So I posted that I might move. Im asking friends about taking me on as a live in maid and cook. A few friends in other states have perked up. If I can find a part time gig and also earn room and board with people, I could get state insurance and food stamps and maybe even disability with my medical and mental diseases. Might be my only hope.

Seriously thinking I can't be a parent. Thinking of signing over rights to her father and step mom.

Might be the best thing for her well being.

~Gabriel