A Letter My Mom Wrote Me

[Guest Dexter]

I don't really know where to put this, but I knew I had to post it, so yeah. Here's a letter that my mom wrote me and yeah. I can't even talk right now.

2/25/2010

Dear Kris,

I don’t really know where to start. For one, I do think you are too young to make any definite life decisions. I can agree with the dressing and acting like a boy. I know you are not going to be a girl when you leave home and I accept that. Like I told you the other night that I marked some pages in the JCP catalog that had cute cargo shorts and t-shirts. I think I have been very lenient with you over the past few years because I know that you are who you are. I don’t push the clothes issues or the religious issues with you. My biggest problem is your neatness, or lack there of! I try to buffer things between you and dad and you and grandmother and I think I actually defend you at times and take your side. You may not see it but I do. I know you’re not crazy and you are not depressed anymore, which I am so thankful for! I think your compulsive eating is related to this also because you are not happy with yourself.

I understand your description of transgender and you do fit the profile. I’m not questioning that but you can have all the plans in the world but some are not possible. Some of these things you are asking you will have to wait until you are through college and have a job and home of your own. I agree with seeing a therapist. We have an appointment with Dr. </insert my Psychologist’s name here> on March 15th and we can ask her about it then. She is the best way to approach it. I will not agree with any binding until we’ve talked with someone plus I don’t know that you need to bind because of your scars from surgery yet. As for a packer and harness, you will have to wait until you are on your own. I cannot go that far. As for more surgery, that will have to wait because it will be very expensive and insurance is not going to pay for it. You know what we went through to get the redunction! As for testosterone, I cannot go that far either plus it is extremely expensive and I don’t know that any insurance would approve it for this purprose. We can find that out from someone who works with this.

I am sure that they can screen you for GID and I don’t doubt it but most people probably just have to live as a girl but come across as a boy. You know what I mean, you’ve seen them. You are right that you should have been born a boy but God doesn’t make mistakes so there is some purpose to this. I think you are wise beyond your years that is why you don’t fit in with people your age and at school. You can go far in this world. You are very smart and creative. You can still be anything you want. This is more accepted in the real world but probably not around here as much.

As for the name change, why can’t you just settle for being called Kris for now? I cannot call you by another name. You are Kris. You can change your name at some point if you must but that will also cost money to do it legally.

Yes, we will need help to accept this. I will need a support group of other parents who’s child has gone through this too. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what to do but you are sixteen and I can only go along with so much. When you are on your own, you can do what you want and then we’ll just have to deal with it then. I will always love you no matter what. But my feelings and my beliefs have to be addressed also. As for telling others right now, I don’t see a need. They do not need to know this. If anything they probably already suspect you are gay but we don’t have to talk about it with the </insert family’s last name here>. There is no reason to cause them anxiety at this time. As I said earlier, I have tried to support and defend you with them but some thing they will refuse to acknowledge. Just like trying to give you makeup and nail polish for Easter like the other girls. They don’t understand and they may never but that will be okay. I don’t think Gina and my mom will have a problem with it and I know Ashley has said she loves you anyway. You are her sister no matter what. You have accepted her with Darrion and Jeff and now a new baby. Things are changing and hopefully you will find your place in the world where you are comfortable but you must first reach 17, finish High School, get your GED and go to college at least for two years then as you emerge into adulthood you can make your own decisions and live wherever. As for telling Dad, I think a short letter would be good but only after we have talked and come to an agreement on some of these things. He doesn’t need all the details. You know men just want the facts so make it short and sweet. He will be mad but mostly disappointed and he will probably think he caused you to be this way. He will need time to deal with it.

Well, that’s all for now. We can talk over the weekend.

Love, Mom.

(This is more than anything that I ever expected from her… I’m at a lose of words…)

[Guest sarah f]

Hey that is a great letter from you mom. She at least is trying to deal with it in her own way. I am happy for you. Hopefully you don't have to wait for T as they can probably put it on your insurance but code it a different way. Good Luck

Love,

Sarah F

[Guest Donna Jean]

WOW!

Honey, I hope that you know that you've struck gold here!

She is awesome!....

You are getting a confidant, supporter, mother, friend and protector!

You have it in spades, and I hope you realize what has just happened....I think that you do..

That letter was a wonder...she understands you, and although she can't agree to everything right now, you come out on top here!

Good on you, Hon...

That's amazing!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WOW

The basic things are there. She will accept you - already has in most ways. She is asking you to defer some things until you are out on your own - that will be hard to do, but it is a step you can consider. Like all moms she is concerned about money, but I am not sure about the cost of 'T' because I am the other direction. Estrogen is NOT expensive.

And the idea about your dad and the comment about men? I had to laugh! Such a womanly point of view - and so true! Yes - just the minimum with your father. He will ask more as time progresses and he has absorbed the basic premises.

I think you have a great future and it will probably include your family! That is so goooooood!

I know it's 'baby steps' but that is seemigly the best way.

Lizzy

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

That is very good from your mom, more understanding will come with education, which she is clearly open to.

Are you particularly poor? that you wouldn't be able to afford a name change? I don't mean to pry, it's just if not, I guess it's hard to explain that sometimes your old name just has too many bad memories or connotations, and of course it's the first real piece of legal recognition.

From what i've read while I've been here, it seems most people manage to get hormones some way under their insurance, obviously at your age it would help it that you might grow a little taller and stuff but then, I doubt anyone will give it to you till you're 18 anyway, but it's worth persuing. For now definitely a GT is the way to go.

[Guest CharlieRose]

That letter's definitely a good start, congrats. From experience, if she's letting you seek therapy from someone who's qualified, and she's looking into support groups and such, expect to see that timeline, the "no transitioning until you've been in college for two years" and her expectations "No packers/hormones, I can't go that far" to change (in a good way). Good luck.

Oh, and Sam, about hormones, mine were covered under insurance (there are actually some medical treatments for women that involve low doses of T, so I guess it went under that) and I started them before I turned 18, all I needed was a willing endo, parent's permission (which I got, even though they said they wouldn't help me transition nor let me take hormones before I turned 18) and a letter from my gender therapist.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I have copay under my insurance. But all four meds are also used for other things.

Lizzy

[Sally]

Dexter, I hope you realize just how major this is.

I would give anything to have about one tenth that much acceptance outside of Laura's - I have none.

Even the smallest attempt to understand and support is a major plus and she is willing to try - she has placed limits but only for while you are still in their care - she seems to be a very intelligent and caring person.

Good luck to you as you are truly on your way - the journey is long and there is no need to try to sprint at the beginning, slow but steady will get you there.

Love ya,

Sally