So Not Going Well With All Of This ='(

[Remus]

Argh, I am *so* not coping well with all this. I don't know, it seems like sometimes it's worse than others, but lately it's been REALLY bad, as people may have read here I've tried suicide and cutting unwanted DD chest lumps off and everything, and the last thing has been drinking. This is the second time in three days (or nights, really), where I've resorted to alcohol, and while it's not entire bottles or anything, my normal amount would be a single glass in maybe a month, whereas tonight I've had roughly all up a whole cup of vodka and I had similar (if not greater) amounts two nights ago.

I KNOW it's unhealthy, I KNOW it's bad, (I know I haven't proofread sorry) but I just don't know what to do come bedtime. During the day there are other distractions, but when I go to bed, every night wthout fail, I lie there for hours and hours feeling utterly miserable at best. Other than abusing alcohol, I really don't know what to do. I'm seeing the psychiarist who made me promise not to cut or anything anymore, so i'm scared to do that again (good thing), but the epic dysphoria is still there, and I've got rid of all my women's clothes )except women's jeans, the men's don't fit), and handbags, I've cut my hair, I'm wearing men's PJs, I bind every day (though I try and take Sundays off to give *them* and my poor back a rest), I have acceptance, approval, love and "hurry up and transition!!!" from my friends, my Mum and brother accept me and Dad either knows and has forgotten or is in denial (either way, I'm out to my family and close friends), I even have a men's wallet and shoe's for FSM's sake!!! I *cannot* do anymore towards transitioning, and even if I decide to nothing will happen for a few months (nothing was deicded last session because Mum unintentionally doubt/guilt-tripped me and I backed out. Serve me right for giving her handbags I'll never use...humph...).

So what the **** do I do??????? I'm even on a hight dose of happy pills, and yet I'm still drunk as I type because I'm just not coping with it. So what do I do?????? It's completely intercourseing up my life, I was meant to have started a PhD but forgot about it and so have no idea what's happening, i cantt sleep, feel sick when I eat and feel sick when I don;t eat, am cutting/attempting suicide/getting drunk far more regularly than I have been the last two years since I found the idea of being 'trans'. I'm doing ****housely, utterly dreadfully, but I don't know what to do.

Sorry to be angsting all the time. Even when I am in a happy laughy mood (which itse;f is strange), it nver lasts long.

-R

[Remus]

There was a stamp thing on Deviant Art that I thought sadly perfect...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Well I am MTF (as you know) but its the same thing! Gender dysphoria is a *****! I don't have a cure for it, nobody does!@

Well - yes - my wife and I fight. I am in transitioning to the point I can't pass as a male in public anymore, and I live full time as myself anyway. YET- everytime we go out she questions what I am wearing, how my hair is fixed - all that! So I go androgynous which I tell her is the WORST thingh for me becuse I stand out! The few tikes I have convinced her I can go as myself - NOBODY even notices me!

So - the point? When I get so beaten down? I drink a bottle of my forite wine! I mean I don't sip it, I don't savor it - I chug it! You know how that is... I once did the same with hard alcohol. Wild Turkey and orange juice was my favorite!

HRT changed my chemistry - can't handle alcohol in that raw format anymore - had to ease up.

Again - what is the point here?

You are drinking because there is a HUGE HOLE in your life. You want what you want! You want to me accepted as you are! You want to transition and be a man - a man in body - to match what you are in your soul and mind! AND

It's not happening - well it is - but not fast - not in a convenient way!

So the hole? Alcohol dulls the edges. I know. As a true drunk I claim NOT TO BE an alcoholic. But I am eposodic. I doooo get it under control - and there is the point!

How?

Working to fill the hole. It has sand in it I know - needs cement so it doesn't wash out (which it does sometimes) - soooo

HOW TO? Well self acceptance I guess. Knowing who I am and how stupid the world is that it can't see me. I secretly fee superior! Its a trick I know, but its a 'don't let the ******** get you down" type thing!

And when they do - I get on Laura's - I vent!

That way I don't get so lonely and so ... drunk...

Hope this helps!

Lizzy

[Sally]

Drinking is not the answer as you know the problems are still here when you sober up.

I would like to warn you that your happy pills and alcohol probably do not mix - the least problem being the ineffectiveness of the happy pills but there can be much bigger health issues.

Filling that Hole in your life that Lizzy mentioned is not easy - I have never filled it - I may never be able to completely but I refuse to cut, drink or take drugs - I have to do this everyday - whenever I feel that hole opening up wider and trying to pull me in I have to find something else to keep me out of that pit - I write, I talk to friends over the Internet (I really don't have any anywhere else - no one even knows who I am).

Anyone who looks at my life would probably say, "Why bother?"

It is the only life I have and I need it to complete my transition - will things suddenly be better then - NO, but I will be better, no more acting just being myself and that in and of itself will be so much better - my problems with money and isolation will probably remain or even worsen but I will be me for the first time in my life - 58 years of living someone else's life so far - just being me is the greatest prize that I am aiming for.

I know that it seems bleak and I can not promise you anything except that everything that you are doing is counter productive to your main goal - so you must find other ways to fill that hole and numb the pain.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Remus, I;m certainly no expert on alcohol abuse, and while I've had my fair share over the years, I rarely have more than a couple of drinks at one time.

But I do understand how you feel about needing to dull the pain, and needing things to happen faster and better than they are. I've felt that way, I've

laid in bed at night and not been able to sleep with all kinds of thoughts running through my head. Then, once I do fall asleep, sleeping only fitfully and

waking up near exhausted. There is just too much for any one person to contend with, Remus. Being TG is really and truly HARD, and I wish the non-TG

world understood half of what we go through to mend our minds and bodies.

Sally and Lizzy had good ideas on how to deal with your pain besides drinking it away. My only other suggestion is when you feel like that, come here

and see if someone is on that you want to talk to, or log into chat and talk to a Chat Mod. If nothing else, it will give you someone who understands

what you're going through and can talk you through it, calm you down, and ease your mind. Talking works, my friend. You would be surprised how well.

Having someone on the other end of a computer that knows what you're dealing with can be so dang supportive and helpful.

Please give it a try. We are here for you.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

I tried to use alcohol to forget about my problems, dull my pain... then i realized that when I sobered up they came back so I decided to never sober up. I went a very long time without being sober once. I was constantly drinking and using drugs and my life fell apart more so than it was before. I may not have realized it then, but I sure do now. I have many health conditions now and a hole in my sinuses the size of a dime (that's from something other than alcohol though). I have now been clean and sober for 58 days and I struggle often to stay that way. Sometimes I feel stuck in my transition, like I can't move forward, but in time you can. The way I am coping is talking to a lot of helpful people, including my therapist and many people here. I am also starting cognitive therapy, which helps tremendously. Staying positive is difficult, but replacing negative thoughts with positive one's can be useful to cope with a lot of things. I remind myself daily that problems are just an opportunity for change.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I remind myself daily that problems are just an opportunity for change.

Very well said Alex

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest aDORAble]

Apologize if this is been said before but, Dude! Slow down.

There is an urgency in all of us for many things (me, it's BBQ ribs), but we can't give into impulsive and abusive emotions. I've had a few and probably a few others have had some too.

You are hitting a undeserved and unwise method of total inhalation by starting the liquor stuff. Never did anyone any good that I've heard of.

Slow down. Take a really big breath. You must have lived with this for more than a few days, weeks (who knows how long?). We all have until it gets to be a snow-woman.

Not to stick my nose into other than "human" emotions...

"You gotta a "lotta" ballz Dude. Use them!