Worried About A Possible Relapse

[Guest Peetey]

Well, I'm not entirely sure why I am even typing this. Maybe I just need to vent, maybe I'm searching for answers or advice, or maybe just some good ol' sympathy; Anyways, I'll start with a little bit of background about my eating disorder that I overcame... Or so I thought.

I was an average sized kid. Always a bit tall but not thick or thin. I started to reach puberty and gained TONS of weight. And during high school I was absolutely huge reaching a point of over 300 lbs. I had to get clothes from the big and tall store at 15 years of age. Having always hated the skin I was in it never bothered me too much. It was like knowing no matter what the appearance is (be it thick or thin) it'll just never be right. That was until half way into my senior year... I had the thought that maybe self acceptance could be possible if I was thinner so I took action to make it happen. I started small just by eliminating fast food. Then it went on to also eliminate anything fried. At this point I was on the scale every single morning without fail, and when my weight didn't go down I just eliminated something else from my diet. Dairy... Out, Meat... Out, Carbs... Out, any beverage other than water... Out. Eventually I ended up eating maybe one tomato and two pickles for an entire day, Sometimes just a piece of lettuce or celery. I also made myself do 300 crunches every night. After a month or so I took up walking, which turned into jogging as I got thinner. I felt great however because every morning I got on that scale the numbers were going down. One pound was typical, but OH YES! those days of 2 pounds or the occasional 3 pound day were amazing. Days I didn't loose weight I simply did not eat.

After I had got to around 210 lbs. (it happened very quickly) people started to compliment me and girls paid me attention. These were very new things to me, but I still didn't look 'right' to myself. I pushed harder and specifically remember the 185 lb. mark. It was hell... The dreaded Plateau. I just could no longer loose the pound a day so I started on diet pills, taking 3 or 4 at a time on an empty stomach. Finally my family had started to say things like "are you eating?" and I got nervous, but I made it through. I made it to 160 and still hated how I looked... Keep Pushing... My life was a dizzy lightheaded and tired place all the time, and a good amount of my hair started to fall out. Everything was even worse now.

My self-mutilation problems had started again. I was put into psychiatric care when I was 4 for constantly digging out my palms with sharp objects. I didn't do this anymore by the first grade though. Then puberty started and the cutting began... Got over that too. But now I had this. 18 years old and cutting and burning once again. Now my ribs were showing... But I STILL didn't have the right shape?

Then it all stopped when my mother had committed suicide. For whatever reason, the death of my mother had kicked my eating disorder out the door. For the next two years I'd slowly gain back about 60-70 pounds and be just where I am now and have been for about 5 years. A basically average to slightly overweight size.

Now... WHAT'S THIS? Transgender... I didn't even know this had a term. So I've read the incredibly relate-able stories, I've chatted with a bunch of similar people (well... some of them anyhow... kind of ) I talk to my psychologist about this term "transgender". And dang-it, why didn't I know of this when I was 4 years old. Life is a little better because Hey, I'm not totally alone. My therapist is happy for me and my girlfriends are happy for me. Thing are totally looking up. WAY UP. So my therapist is ready now to help me get on hormones whenever I am 100% ready. So I've had all this time to truly figure out if I am 100 PERCENT ready.

Somewhere along the self-reflection and validation process I hit a nasty nasty wall. "Crap" think to myself now. I turn on a television and who's on? Ahh. Its Paris Hilton, or Keira Knightly, or Eva Mendez or any other beautiful person, and YEP they are all thin. I see magazine racks in stores, and yep again, all thin... All beautiful, and the most dangerous part... All having the shape I wish I had so bad when I developed my disorder the first time around. Now I feel like I can't possibly be 100% until I lose lots of weight once again. Here's where the relapse comes in.

In two days I have not eaten at all. I have had one shot of apple cider vinegar and drank only water. Except for vitamins that is all I've had. Today I visited my grandparents. They had lasagna for dinner and for some reason I was able to say "no thank you I already ate dinner." (And I love lasagna) I am a little bit worried that once again I will start to view food as poison... And I know from experience that nothing good comes out of this.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this incredibly long (probably boring and bland) post. You guys and girls are the best

- Peace and Love

[Sally]

Peetey,

You already know what you have to do , you have done it before and there is no reason that you cannot do it Again.

If you need encouragement, then you have it, if you need someone to talk to, I am here - but you know what to do and how to do it so let's stop this trend before it gets any worse, OK?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Peetey]

Thanks Sally. I do know what to do but I feel like I don't know how to do it. I mean I didn't do it consciously the first time, and this time it has to be a conscience decision. Its so in my head that I don't feel like it's my own thought, it feels more like a 'need' and I know thats bad.

Well honestly I answered a lot of my own questions just by 'musing' and typing what I felt. I'm scared is all, please understand I'm not trying to ruffle anyones feathers or offend anyone here. Like I said maybe just venting... I don't post often at all lol I just needed to let out some thoughts.

Again I'm sorry... Maybe I should just wait to talk to my therapist instead of posting anything like this here.

Feel free to remove the post if something is wrong with it.

[Guest Donna Jean]

NO......NO......NO......

Delete your post? Ain't no way, Honey....

Lookie up top and what does it say? "Eating Disorder Forum"..That's what it's here for and you are welcome to rant away....all that you want to need to!

Peety...Honey, of course you should talk to your therapist about it...but, talk here, too...

You know that too far one way and then too far the other will offer no good results!

For health and safety you need to eat! But sensibly! Right?

Let me tell you.....I dropped 50 lbs..188 to 138 and now I keep it at an average 145...

But, I eat...salads, apples, oranges, drinks with "0" calories so that I have taste...

That is the way to do it, Hon...

And I'm sure that you know that.....

You just rant all that you want to, Sweetheart!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Peety

NO NO NO

We WANT that kind of posting here! You need to know we read it and we understand it and we want to be here for you! Others struggle, and your posting encourages them to post too.

There are ways to investigate 'transgender' feelings and your therapist is a good start. Yes - until I was age 14 I thought I was the only one in the world!

So hang here with us. Tell us your progress. Whatever your self discovery tells you is perfectly fine with us.

And you arleady know about weight loss - and how to make it work in a healther manner. Dee Jay does it by constant maintenence. I am not that diciplined but I KNOW that it is harmful to lose weight rapidly, so I work on trying to maintain at the same level, then slightly go down in 5 or 6 pound intervals. Sally, Dee Jay and I (and many MTF here) are on HRT which is a real challange! Losing weight as a female is so different. So we essentially have to go maintenance our entire life.

AND those movie stars and models - they don't exist. They are parodies of women. We true Tgirls HATE those stereotypes!

ALSO - those plateaus? Uggggggh! And the rapid earlier loss (water) that then refuses to work anymore! YIKES. Watch your fluids! Don't lose more than 1 pound a week - and that is on a STRICT diet.

Just some ideas.

Lizzy

[Guest Peetey]

Well I think I just took Sally's post the wrong way. The wording or something had given me a "finger pointing 'shame on you'" feeling. Sorry for the misinterpretation. Probably just my own issues anyhow.

I guess I'm a little embarrassed about this post. I'm plenty old enough to know better than this... I'm not a teenager anymore so why am I feeling like I am thinking as one? Last night I stumbled do to a lack of energy while trying to make some coffee an busted my knee on the floor It is a terrible feeling, but honestly typing here DOES make me feel better for some reason. I'm actually on my way to the store to buy some grape nuts and milk and have a bowl of cereal as soon as I'm done ranting

AND those movie stars and models - they don't exist. They are parodies of women. We true Tgirls HATE those stereotypes!

Oh... Trust me. I do hate them Liz, just perhaps for unhealthy reasons. I'm very aware that women come in all shapes, but being a very visual / artistic person I can't help but feel some degree of jealousy when I see such 'perfect' (aesthetically so to me) frames. By frames I mean the skeletal build, which I know full well is totally unrealistic for me. Eek, maybe I'm not a true Tgirl lol