I Need Some Support And Guidence.

[Guest bottomdraw1011]

My brother is getting married this weekend.

My partner was/is supposed to be my date.

But... I have two younger brothers who are 9 and 7. My parents don't want them to know about him being a him.

They know him as his former self.

And my parents are accepting of him, and use his proper name. But they are not okay with it around the kids.

So he was extremely upset when I told him that he couldn't be called by his name around them. I know that it sucks, and I know that it hurts him, and it makes me feel like I am being oppressed. I can only imagine how he feels.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am in between this.

He wants to just tell them, and my parents don't really agree.

And my relationship with my parents is like we are friends, and they don't have much authority over me.

So what do I do?

I can be with my partner and be on his side. Or I can be with my parents and have him hurt and angry.

I'm really torn, and I don't know what I should be doing.

Help please.

I am leaving tomorrow during the day to go back home, so I don't know how to handle this at all.

[Carolyn Marie]

That is a really unfortunate situation, and it does put you in the middle. I know how torn you are, wanting

to do what's best for your partner, and wanting to do what your parents want.

Its a no-win situation, but in my opinion, its best not to potentially disrupt the wedding by insisting that

he be addressed as a male in front of the kids. This isn't the time for arguments - its the time for

your brother and his wife to be the center of everyone's attention.

You can work something out with your parents afterwards, and find the right time and place to introduce

your partner as himself to your younger family members.

Good luck, hon.

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

If you defy your parents it is your brother who will suffer along with you and your partner.

Weddings are a time of extreme stress for the parents of the groom as well as the bride so go along with it and choose a different battlefield for this next step.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

DANG....DANG....DANG!

This situation sux out loud...

If it were most any other time, I'd say put your foot down..

But this is the bride and groom's time..and because of that, I'll have to agree with the girls above...

I'm so sorry...

You have other times...

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Eventually you and your partner are going to have to explain everything to your younger brothers. That day will come.

Your brother's wedding is not the time.

Sadly, I think your partner has to make a choice. Comply with your parents wishes on your brother's wedding day or simply not attend the wedding.

You, your parents, your younger brothers, your partner need to reconcile.

Love

Brenda

[Guest bottomdraw1011]

Thanks guys.

I just got off the phone with them.

And they are saying no way are they going to tell the kids that.

And this is making things worse because I feel I am on my partner's side.

They are going to have to find out eventually.

My mother guilted me by saying that the only reason why they know about gay people is because of me, and they could never understand transgender people. She told me that a few years from now they can know, but not now.

He's sitting at the same table as they are. Which sucks. And he said that he was going to ignore them if they called him by his birth name, which I can understand. He said he's doing this for my brother, and not for them. They were like "If he can't do this for ONE day then he doesn't respect us..." Well, they're not exactly respecting him, and it's not just ONE day. It would have been for 4 days of that, plus every other time he comes over. So, he's not staying with me, instead he is staying with his aunt for a few days. This whole situation sucks, and I feel like it's going to cause a rift between my family and me. I have to live with them still during the summer and winter breaks because I'm still in college. And I am three hours away, so here's to an awfully awkward car ride tomorrow.

I know it's my brother's day. But I also feel like it's something that should be taught to them soon. They need to know that there are people that are different, and it's okay to be different. And that everyone is equal. But it feels like he is being suppressed, and stuffed back into the closet, after just coming out.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

They need to know that there are people that are different, and it's okay to be different. And that everyone is equal.

Indeed hon, I think that your parents do have some degree of that understanding. Now is the time to be infinitely patient. For the good of all concerned, let your brother have is day in peace. If you and your partner remain consistent and patient, all in your life will come around and accept you.

My own experience has shown that you continue to be yourself, but do not shove anything down anyone's throat. Don't be confrontational, just let people adjust on their own time. Complete acceptance will come from all of your family. Give it time. Be patient.

In time, everything will work out.

Love

Brenda

[Guest lvmyftm]

I agree with Brenda.

As a parent, I do agree with your parents that your little brothers are too young to understand things right now and having your bf there as male is just going to open up a can of worms of questions from your brothers. Questions that your parents might not be ready or able to answer for them.

My suggestion would be to tell your bf that you HAVE to go and that he can either pretend to be a girl for a couple of days to keep the peace or not go and avoid it all. It is your brothers day not a time to make a statement to your parents. As your little brothers get older they will be able to be told things and understand.

[Guest Italic]

What has your brother said about this? Does he feel he's in middle too?

Italic, the slanted font

[Guest BeckyTG]

What has your brother said about this? Does he feel he's in middle too?

Italic, the slanted font

Italic, you raise a very good point. I'd be very careful about putting the brother on the spot if he's asked.

Bottom, your partner needs to learn that this about someone else, your brother and his new bride, period. PERIOD. That's it. In situations like this, you do what you have to do.

If that means they have to act in a certain manner for a few days in order to be included, that's exactly what should be done. If your partner believes that it's not appropriate to act that way, then your partner should simply stay home.

A wedding is a very sacred day for 2 people and everyone else needs to stuff their own egos for those 2 people. Either ride with the program: Show up, be nice and smile or else don't go. Making any kind of a scene that detracts from the couple is rude.

All memories of this event should be about the couple and their happiness.

If your partner wants respect and "their day in the sun", then plan your own event and put up your own money to do it.

Sorry if this seems a little strong and direct, but weddings and funerals are just that way.

Becky

[Guest bottomdraw1011]

What has your brother said about this? Does he feel he's in middle too?

Italic, the slanted font

I haven't talked to my older brother about it. I didn't want him to know that there were problems like this as of currently. I might tell him afterwords, but I didn't think it was okay for me to tell him while it was going on. He knows that my boyfriend is trans, and he doesn't care. He's very good about it.

I know it's his day, and I don't want to mess it up for him. My boyfriend is going, but he said he was just going to ignore my parents and vice versa. He said he's doing this for my brother. I hope everything goes over smoothly. Things are already hostile enough with the new in-laws.

Wish us luck.