Dealing With Loneliness

[Sally]

Well here is something that we all feel but so often sort of tap dace around - I have put up my dancing shoes and I will now face this topic head on.

We all offer advice and help for those who are feeling rejected and we offer our friendship, I do it all of the time and it is a very real offer, I don't have enough friends no one does and it is my friends here at Laura's that keep me going.

I have no acceptance in my day to day life, no one that I have come out to believes me or is still talking to me - I live alone and as Sally I am totally isolated - I work and do all of my daily chores as male for reasons of my job and the need for money so Sally never has the opportunity to meet anyone - even the people from here, if I meet them in my hometown - they aren't out yet either so we meet as males - it isn't what I want or need but it just is.

I am very good at seeing a problem and seeing the obvious solution as long as the problem is not my own.

Lonely is a feeling not a physical lack of presence I have been all alone in a crowd all of my life.

Loneliness is basically how you deal with being alone - it only bothers you when being alone was not your choice.

For those who do not know me that well - a quick review.

I have often enjoyed a bit of alone time but sometimes I like to be with people - I was married (underline was), I had a very close relationship with my sister and mother (underline had), I am in a jazz band made up mostly of workers from a local defense plant - a rather right wing, conservative bunch who are very unlikely to accept me as I really am, and then there is work - still in male mode and pretty much of an outsider even after 7 months.

I have one Transgendered friend that I see sometimes here in the area but she comes straight from work and is not out either so there we sit, two guys discussing hair, nails and clothing just like any two ladies - just not able to be really open about it.

So you see the problems so how do I deal with it - the answer lies in the Internet.

I come to Laura's to post and to talk to my friends through PMs.

Then there is Skype with audio and video it is almost like being with them - there is only touch that is missing.

That is the part for which I have found no substitute - What I wouldn't give for just one real hug from my dearest friend but that cannot happen - so I would like to ask you how do you deal with that - I am not really lonely - I have all of my wonderful friends but I have no interpersonal contact.

I hug my teddy bears and they do the best that they can with their short little furry arms but I just want to feel someone with me who loves me and wants to be with me - I just need to know how.

Can anyone offer any suggestions?

Love ya

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Sally, Sweetheart.....

I understand you......

Let me put it this way....

When my car breaks down and it's at the shop for a few days ...I have to get rides to and from work....

In the evening I feel trapped because I have no car in my driveway...not that I need or want to go anywhere...it's just that I don't have that option.

It's the same with lonliness......

It's nice to be alone sometimes and enjoy quiet times by yourself....

But when those times give you no options ....that's lonely.

I'm sorry that you're having that happen to you, Honey....I know that Laura's, PM's, Skype are wonderful, but, the missing ingredient is a touch.

Huggs, that sort of thing......

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sally,

I have lived alone for many years now. When I first was alone, I felt really low and isolated. I have to admit that I now embrace being alone and prefer it.

Being here at Laura's helps to reassure me that there are other people like me. People who I can talk to. People who understand.

I do not know the answer to touch. I have had very little physical contact with anyone also.

Brenda

[Guest NatalieRene]

I'm sorry Sally. I know it's tough. We walk a difficult and lonely path. What helps me is having friends nearby. Last Friday a real eye opener. I think the best way is to go out to friendly places and meet people.

[Guest julia_d]

This is going to sound pretty hard..

You get used to it.. it's par for the course.

I value my independence and not having to be bothered with people. It's a relief after years of feeling I had to be the person other people wanted to just lock the door and be myself. That meant learning to cope with living in a town where I know nobody.. 8 years and I have made no friends, quite deliberately.

It takes time to find yourself and find who you are.. this is what makes us so strong. We need no crutches and don't expect any to be given to us.

Self reliance and self determination = strength .. and who needs crutches anyway?

[Guest Skylar]

Hey what if you invite your transgender friend over and have her bring a change of clothes. Then you can both be out in your own house as girls. It's better than nothing. At least that way you could both wear the clothing you wish and you might feel a little more comfortable. Just an idea.

-Sky

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Sally, I know how much you need that contact. I do. The best I can do, with you and Dee Jay,

is to reach out to the little computer camera and pretend I'm touching fingertips with you.

It isn't nearly enough, but its all we can do right now.

You and Dee Jay and Lizzie had that opportunity to touch and hug and laugh and cry together last year.

That is a wonderful memory now that no one can take away from you. It is much more than all but

a couple of us have had. Hang on to that memory, Sally dear. Let it give you comfort when you feel down.

You have also the hope that you three and maybe more can meet again soon.

I would give anything to hug my close friends here, but reality bites. We have to rely on technology as a

poor replacement, but its better than nothing.

Someday, Sally. Someday...

((HUGGSS))

Carolyn Marie

[Guest viv]

Sally,,,I know how you feel as my life is similar. But !!!

as soon as I am "out" I will be out in more ways than one.

Most of the folk at my Trans meet have social nights out

weekends and I fully intend joining them asap . I am

sick and tired of ""sitting in"" every night and growing

lonely . Do you have a meeting near you for us ,,never

read you posting that ,,is there a bus ride to a city where

Trans women meet re socialising ???. I am so sorry you

dont have too much contact , I hope this improves .

Another night in for me tonight , Ah well, Gran Turino

is on the movie channel ,,I like Clint. Be well Hun, luv,viv

[Guest Lynnie]

Well here is something that we all feel but so often sort of tap dace around - I have put up my dancing shoes and I will now face this topic head on.

We all offer advice and help for those who are feeling rejected and we offer our friendship, I do it all of the time and it is a very real offer, I don't have enough friends no one does and it is my friends here at Laura's that keep me going.

I have no acceptance in my day to day life, no one that I have come out to believes me or is still talking to me - I live alone and as Sally I am totally isolated - I work and do all of my daily chores as male for reasons of my job and the need for money so Sally never has the opportunity to meet anyone - even the people from here, if I meet them in my hometown - they aren't out yet either so we meet as males - it isn't what I want or need but it just is.

I am very good at seeing a problem and seeing the obvious solution as long as the problem is not my own.

Lonely is a feeling not a physical lack of presence I have been all alone in a crowd all of my life.

Loneliness is basically how you deal with being alone - it only bothers you when being alone was not your choice.

For those who do not know me that well - a quick review.

I have often enjoyed a bit of alone time but sometimes I like to be with people - I was married (underline was), I had a very close relationship with my sister and mother (underline had), I am in a jazz band made up mostly of workers from a local defense plant - a rather right wing, conservative bunch who are very unlikely to accept me as I really am, and then there is work - still in male mode and pretty much of an outsider even after 7 months.

I have one Transgendered friend that I see sometimes here in the area but she comes straight from work and is not out either so there we sit, two guys discussing hair, nails and clothing just like any two ladies - just not able to be really open about it.

So you see the problems so how do I deal with it - the answer lies in the Internet.

I come to Laura's to post and to talk to my friends through PMs.

Then there is Skype with audio and video it is almost like being with them - there is only touch that is missing.

That is the part for which I have found no substitute - What I wouldn't give for just one real hug from my dearest friend but that cannot happen - so I would like to ask you how do you deal with that - I am not really lonely - I have all of my wonderful friends but I have no interpersonal contact.

I hug my teddy bears and they do the best that they can with their short little furry arms but I just want to feel someone with me who loves me and wants to be with me - I just need to know how.

Can anyone offer any suggestions?

Love ya

Sally

I am new to this forum but not to the issues. I relate very well to what you write Sally. You, no doubt, have many caring friends here. I am a soul sister, you can believe that.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sally Sally Sally

No good answer. 1976 - I was widowed, with a newborn baby, all my friends had graduated and moved away, my family lived in another state, I was in forced isolation as I was living full time as a woman... lonely, with my daughter to feed, but no real adult company.

One day the telephone rang and a man who had seen my name in the phone book, wanted me to design his house. I male'd up (easier those days than now) and met with him, designed his house - and... well - it introduced me to a new social network. Everyone adored the idea that I was a single parent with a newborn. I suddenly had all these people dropping in to see me.

So - opportunity sometimes comes your way - you never know.

The good news was I found a new life - the bad news is I had to stay male. I was age 29. I ALMOST made the telephone call to seek a therapist - I definately would have transitioned then. Half my lifetime ago!

Life is strange!

So

Sally! A new jazz group - one who you can better relate to? How about having Sarah come to your house as Sky says?

Why don't you meet me in Shreveport - about half way for both of us and less than a full day's drive? I will buy you a pair of fishnet stockings - PINK if we can find them! We can go shopping in redneck heaven?

And - well - next September! Our reunion, right? And it is looking like we may have ro reserve a whole wing at Howard Johnson's!

I have some others - we talked about this - on Facebook you need to know. Some of these girls are just like you and isolated.

AND

I think about you all the time. If you are lonely, shut your eyes and listen! I am whispering in your ear "I LOVE YOU."

Oh my - I wish I had the answers!

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I am new to this forum but not to the issues. I relate very well to what you write Sally. You, no doubt, have many caring friends here. I am a soul sister, you can believe that.

Lynnie darling

Welcome to Laura's. Why don't you post an introduction in the Introduction Forum... OK?

Let everyone have a chance to greet you

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Kaitlyn88]

Well I live alone and in the past 2 years I have only been out twice when my ex girlfriend visited. I can't even work. Other then that it's been going to the store every 2 weeks or so for food. I didn't even have internet or a phone until a few months ago. I still haven't gone full time even though people think I a butch lesbian dressed as a guy. I can't exactly have my first time out as myself be on a bus with a bunch of homeless, drunken red necks, without any practice or help. As soon as I tell anyone about me they freak out and say they'll pray for me but won't even talk or see me. If it wasn't for my ex letting me move in with her in 2 weeks I don't know how I could have ever even met anyone or got out. So maybe someone will surprise you like happened to me.

Other then that I take sleeping pills that make me sleep 12+ hours and watch tv and go online. It's very boring and very lonely and I feel like I'm in an isolation cell going weeks and months without even seeing a single person even. Hopefully once I move in with here in a more LGBT friendly area things will be a lot better.

[Guest ricka]

Sad to say but so many of us can relate to what you are saying, Sally. Like you and many others I work in male mode. I sooo value my "woman time" when I get home and can be myself but it does get lonely at times. I am lucky to have a male friend who drops by to see me and he always gives me a big hug hello and another for goodbye. He totally accepts me as a woman and he is someone I feel totally open and myself with. Just one friend can make a big difference. He is really cute and I do find him attractive but he is gay so our friendship is strictly platonic,which is actually a good thing. I can talk to him about very personal woman things which is so nice and he confides in me in return about his gay-guy stuff. What I find I enjoy is having a guy drop by even if it is a platonic relationship I put on a nice dress and make-up and want to look my prettiest and relate to him as a woman. Cultivating one or two close friendships is something we all really need. My friends here at Laura's are all so dear to me but we do need a human touch too.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Girl Emily]

Sally,

I believe lonelyness is part and parcel with being transgender. I have lived on my own in Tijuana for the last 4 years. Most of that time I was very depressed and numb. However, since starting hormone therapy my depression has lifted and I try to go for a walk everyday. I have a new sense of hope and I get really restless now. I can't wait till I am far enough along to start leaving the house in female mode. I will then move to a new part of town and go full-time.

I have lived so long suffering in denial, and under the negative effects of testosterone that the next year will be just a drop in the bucket. Holding on to this thought is how I get by with the loneliness. I know it will end soon and will get the greatest reward ever! I will be able tp discover me without "his" influence. I wonder what she likes and dislikes, what new hobbies might I emjoy. Will I be straight or lesbian. So many questions, what fun this will be.

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Sally, I too know how you feel. Internet and even phone calls are great to have and since I have no friends in this area I too lack the personal interaction. Yeah I do have my wife, but I miss having friends to do things with. And I have never had friends who are accepting of me as I truly am. I have tried searching for support groups in my area but there are none, I don't know if there is in your area but it might be worth checking out. Even if you have drive for an hour or two. I tried Tri Ess but that was just the wrong cup of tea for me because I am not a cd'er and couldn't relate to anyone. But if I could find a TS support group I would go in a heartbeat and hope like hell I could make some connections with other gals like myself. Because bottom line whether one is married or not, companionship with people we can see, touch, and interact with is important for anyone's mental, physical, and even spiritual well being. Sadly society makes it hard for us to make those kind of connections and because of that we isolate ourselves and that is fertile ground for loneliness. The only other suggestion I have for you and others like myself is pick up and move to where some of your internet friends live.

[Guest Jean Davis]

Dear Sally

We are so much alike but yet so different. As I have troubles expressing the love I have for others, you seem to have troubles receiving the love that is given to you from others. I now know the reasons why I am having problems after many years of looking and am working to correct the situation. Perhaps there is something that is keeping you from feeling the love that is so abundant around you. Something from your past may be keeping you from feeling that love, to keep you safe so that the pain from the past does not resurface. Please look for that painful memory so that you can face it head on, perhaps with some help you can work through this problem and and finally recieve the love you so desprately need, desire and deserve.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

Hi Sally. :-)

I understand you feeling lonely and not having that physical touch. Once in awhile I will get a hug from my son but that is not the same from recieving a hug from an adult that understands and is like us. Yesterday I did recieve a short hug from my new trans friend Lyn who I met from a yahoo transgender group here in my town. It was short because my train was ready to leave. This Blind Community Center I mentioned in my previous post may be a stepping stone for me to combat some of my loneliness as well as the local LGBT center that has some classes I would like to try. It is a distance from where I live but I am going to go anyhow. Is there a transgender group near where you live? Maybe you can go into the city once a week that might have a LGBT center that has some events or classes you may like to attend.

Hugs,

Suzie

[Guest Amanda joan]

Sally & my other loney friends,

I am mad as H E L L with you all. If your life sucks MOVE! If your lonely become a foster parent for a GLBT kid. The state will pay you to do this and they need the hugs even more desparatley that you do. I refuse to be lonely or alone. I have put myself out in the community and met wonderful gay and trans friends. Last night I had dinner with my friend Carrie and she asked me to sleep over. We cuddled for ten minutes in bed and talked before we went to sleep. She came back in the morning for more hugs. It was hard at first for me to let her do this but, I realized she did not want to be with me like a lover, just like a sister of best friend. We are all woman and you se GG do this all the time. So why can't we just sit on the couch and embrace as we watch TV? Last week in managed to get 4 friends together at one of their houses. We all had a wonderful evening. We ordered in and shared the different chinese food dishes we had ordered. It was like a small family thanksgiving, just no turkey. There were 4 transwomen and one transguy and then the son of one of the transwomen joined us later in the night. We ranged in age from 28 to 56 and we never ran out of interesting things to talk about. I was thrilled to have such wonderful people all in one room. We are trying to arrange have a group of us rent a house together here in Maryland. Now this is going to be a challenge but, everyone was very touched that I had asked them to come and live with me. I would not want to live with anyone else. The trans community needs to stick together and support each other in real ways. I do not mean to put down what is going on here. Many wonderful things have started for me here. Natalie was one of the people at this dinner. The others I have meet at a gay bar that is trans friendly. I found this bar after a gay priest I know asked a Drag Queen she knew where it was that I could go to hang out and feel accepted. Being a part of a church community has been a wonderful blessing to me. I know that is not the case every where but, like I said move to a town that is friendly to the trans community.

I will be at the Capitol next Sunday to stand up for the Transgendered community. I wrote a letter to Steny Hoyer my Senator asking for him to think of me when he votes on ENDA in the next few weeks. When I signed up to be a part of their phone bank on Sunday night there was a tab to click on if you were looking for a roomate. I clicked yes contact me about roomates. I will hopefully be surrounded by hundreds and maybe even thousands of Transpeople and people who support us next week. If you can come and be a part of this event. Here is the link http://transequality.org/lobby_day/lobbyday10.html

There is a group call The National center for Transgender Equity or NCTE. This is a group of Lawyers and other folk who work everyday to help find legistrators who will support our causes for equal rights and equal protection under the law and in employment. We do have many people in this country who are aware of our strugle. I intend to add my voice to theirs and make sure that our community is seen in a positive light and that we are afforded the rights we so desparatley need.

I also went out this morning and got new glasses and asked the Doctor to call me Amanda and she did. The young man at Lenscrafters was very nice to me after I told him what I wanted he helped me find it and gave me his advice in which frames looked best on me. I then went shopping and bought some leggings to cover the hugh run in my pantyhose and after I bought them I asked the clerk if it would be okay if I went into the fitting room to put them on and she said yes of course it's right back there. I then went to P.F. Changs Chinese Bistro at the Whiteflint Mall In Bethedsa Maryland and sat at the bar to have some lunch while my new glasses were being made up. Now I could not read the menu because the Doctor had diolated my eyes and my vision way blurry. So I asked the lady who seated me to help me with the menu. She did and then made 3 suggestions for me based on what I had told her I wanted. The servers were very polite and the food was wonderful. I did not look away from anyone who looked at me and always met the few long gazes I got with a smile. I choose to believe they are looking at me because I am pretty and well dressed. To be honest I don't really concern myself with what there are thinking. I am out to enjoy my life and by being out in the community they are being forced to accept that I am a part of there world. I will always go out of my way to engage people I meet in conversation. I am always open to share anything about my journey that they have an interest in hearing about. I have had people ask me what kind of hair care products I use, where I get my make up and many women ask me about my new Blue Topaz ring. I bought that for myself.

Please don't get the wrong idea I have problems. Most of them are out of may control so I don't loss any sleep over them. My ex-Wife and my Son are still the hardest part of my transition. My Brother is in another state but, I know he would rather have a little brother than a trans-Sister. I have come out to everyone who is important in my life and with one or two exceptions all has gone well. Maybe I am lucky. Maybe my body is more suited for transition than others. Maybe I have more communications skills than you. I know that I could be in a much different place than I am now if I let myself be fooled into believing that there was no way I was going to be accepted as a woman. I don't claim to know what is right for others but, it is called insanity when you do the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

I pray for you all evryweek and I know that God will help us if we only ask.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Amanda dear

I am glad that you have found people and purpose in your life. I know that I am alone because I choose to be, I need to be.

At this time in my life, I prefer the quiet, and the peace. You are obviously a very gregarious person and that is just great

I am more introverted and I prefer to contemplate.

HUGS

Brenda

Sweetie, you have come a long way baby!!! It is very good to see

[Sally]

I am at a place in my life where I look back and realize that I have never had a true romance - even my marriage was sort of, I can help this woman - and to her I was a great cook - not much romance at all sort of a marriage of inconvenience as it turned out.

And yes, Jean there were things in my past that are haunting me still - not one instance but several - the short version would read - No one I loved ever loved me in return.

Moving to another town and just going out and doing what you like are great options that require some degree of disposable income - I have none at all, I work two jobs to stay only one month behind on my payments - if I rip my pantyhose, I put some clear nail polish on them and wear them for another month or two.

I have friends both in male and female modes - unfortunately for my jobs I must present male so I cannot run around town as myself without being seen - that limits contact a bit - I am not lonely in the sense of having people to do things with - I am lonely in the sense of not having someone to share my life with - I have never had that and apparently never will - I have no idea why but that just seems to be the way it is.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jean Davis]

And yes, Jean there were things in my past that are haunting me still - not one instance but several - the short version would read - No one I loved ever loved me in return.

Love ya,

Sally

Well Sally

Those little things in the past that are haunting you are the same things that are holding you back now. If you have the resources to see your therapist these are the things that I would start talking to her about and if you can't see your therapist at the very least talk to someone about this, post these problems here or talk to me about them. We'll figure out something that will help or at the very least it will help just to get it out. I'm here for YOU and you're not going to get rid of me, just think of me as your shadow and when you're feelin' down start humming the tune. And don't try telling me you don't know it, I know better.

You know this kinda sounds like something you told me earlier about a room full of people that likes dogs, one that dislikes dogs and a dog that enters the room. Well as you told it the dog almost allways ignores and advoids the people that want to love and give the dog attention and makes a bee line to the one person that wants to have nothing to do with him. Do you kinda see what I'm seeing, you seem to be so sure that there is no one out there for you that you are not seeing all those that are trying to be there for you and concentrating on those that are not.

This same thing happens to people that are in abusive relationships, they get out of one only to find themselves in another. Until they are helped they keep focusing on the same traits that the last person they were involved with had. And until you figure out what those problems are you will have the same results. So Sally, start digging up those little things and get them out in the open and perhaps we can find some answers for you.

LUV

Jean

[Guest Katrina Reann]

Sally, my heart really goes out to you, because other than being married I am in a very similar situation as for the moving thing and I too have to live a double life. Which really sucks. People in our situation have to make the best of what we do have and simply not lose hope. It may not always be in our time frame but sooner or later things change, situations change, opportunities come and go, lotteries pay off;), or an occasional miracle happens. That is all I can do at this point is hope and I refuse to let go of that hope. We want to move to Vegas but things have fell through and we simply can't at this time, we are both disabled and struggling to just make it month to month. What money we did have saved has had to be put into the car so we have transportation. I am telling you this because I want you to know you are not alone in your struggles. It is a day to day battle to keep hope alive and some days I fail miserably to hang on to hope. On those days I try to pick myself up and be thankful for what I do have. Next to my wife one of the things that keeps me going is knowing I am not alone with how I feel inwardly about myself or anything I am struggling with. How do I know that you ask? Because of this place and friends I have made here in a short time. And girl, I know you have more friends here and people that care about you than I do. Lean on us girl and those you are really close to here. Maybe we can't touch physically or hug one another. But one thing I have seen you and many others do is touch someone's heart. That is a touch that moves people and can be felt from head to toe and to the core of our being....Huggsss

[Guest Adrian]

I am a lone wolf, company annoys me if it is around too long or making too much noise. Relationships confuse me and require give-and-take that is beyond me. Although I have a few friends whose company I enjoy, I do not actively seek out company on a regular basis, I have no huge desire to see my family regularly and I very rarely keep up with people who are further away. It isn't a situational thing, really, I have always just found my own head my Location of Choice.

When I get the need for a bit of physical affection? I hug my blankie...