What Do Your Children Call You?

[Carolyn Marie]

I have a teenage son, and plan to tell him about me in several months.

One question he may ask, that I have been pondering for a while, is what he should call me.

If I'm in female mode, and certainly after I go full time as Carolyn, it wouldn't do for him to call me Dad. But I'm not, nor ever will be, his Mom either.

What I was thinking is to ask him just to call me Carolyn, and when speaking of me in the third person, call me his parent.

Does that seem OK to you all? Your opinions, and especially your experiences, would be appreciated.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest lvmyftm]

Might be easier for him if you let him call you whatever he feels comfortable with for awhile. He may come up with some name to call you that both end up liking. Chances are that even if he contiunes to call you Dad at some point he wont feel right doing that in public when you are clearly a woman. My daughter calls my bf who is ftm by his first name, but she has also never know him as anything else.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Carolyn

I saw your post, but spaced and logged off. I was just about asleep when I remembered that I did not reply to your question.

My kids have made it clear that they will always call me dad regardless. Dad is becoming more of a nickname for me than a designation of gender.

I would allow your son to call you whatever he feels comfortable with. No restrictions, no expectations.

As a parent, and transgendered, I recommend that you do not insist on demanding that your child calls you anything other than he is used to.

I know that this seems counter intuitive and against the insistence of proper pronouns and other gender identification. But in the case of children, it is different, it has nothing to do with what you want and expect. It has everything to do with what they feel comfortable with. Keep in mind they dynamics of being a parent and your children is vastly different than any other dynamic (SO's, work, other family members, etc). As far as children goes... let them call you by any name they know.

Brenda

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you both. Excellent advice that I take to heart.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My kids - all grown adults - call me "Dad" and with my loving permission. My son-in-law calls me Eleizabeth - he doesn't have that 30 year connection.

BUT

When I am out dressed in public, and vulnerable to being outed, they carefully avoid a personal name, use the genderer correct pronounds and are good at respecting me as a woman.

My son recently told me he loved me as both his father and his mother. I was very maternial when raising my children. They were not too surprised when I 'outed' to them.

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

My kids - all grown adults - call me "Dad" and with my loving permission. My son-in-law calls me Eleizabeth - he doesn't have that 30 year connection.

BUT

When I am out dressed in public, and vulnerable to being outed, they carefully avoid a personal name, use the genderer correct pronounds and are good at respecting me as a woman.

I hope this helps.

Lizzy

Elizabeth, yes, it does. Your experience seems in keeping with the advice offered by Brenda and Ivymftm. Seems to me like the children who support their parents in transition figure out a way to be comfortable with it,

while understanding our needs in public situations.

I know you are very proud of your kids, as is Brenda. I would be too, and in the end, I have a feeling my son

and I will come to a similar understanding. That is my desire and my lasting hope.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

Dear Carolyn

Be careful in how you tell your son, as you know I have a teenage son as well and he is at the age that is very critical in life. Each child is different though and how they would react to such news as a parent coming out to them as being transgender.

Suzie

[Carolyn Marie]

Thank you very much for the advice, Suzie.

I have thought about it a lot, and will discuss a plan with my G.T. in the coming weeks.

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

Dear Carolyn,

In this area I am both lucky and very unlucky.

I am lucky that I do not have any children from the aspcet that I do not have to worry about how this would effect them.

I am very unlucky that I have never know the joys and anguishes of raising a child, the loving, nurturing and trusting bond between mother and child.

I have never know that bond as a male either.

You have something so wonderful there I can fully understand how frightened you must be concerning the outcome of telling your son but you have something so special on your side - your wife, that cannot help but make things a little easier for you and your son.

Love ya,

Sally

[Paula ult]

Carolyn,

At my trans meeting yesterday that topic was addressed by an FtM that has transitioned, and unless you know you would walk past him or talk to him and never know, he said they call him mom, he doughts it will ever change and he is fine with that except if he is in the mens room and his kids open the door and yell mom are you in here.

Paula

[Guest angie]

My kids refuse to use my female name.

They told me unequivocably I am, Dad,Daddy,Poppy,Dada or Pop.

Now when they text me it is with Hey Woman as the leadoff...

Good enough. I am proud of being my girls Father,and consider

it a great honor to be addressed as such.I think it's funny when

talking about me to use,My Dad,She(grin). Heck, if they can handle

it,I can too.Last time while at Walmart with them,they decided to test me.

When separated they started calling out Poppy,Daddy where are you?

And when others starting looking around for their Dad,and saw a small

woman in a dress and heels answer,it was they(my girls) who were

embarrassed,not I. I got a real kick out of it,and broke them of that habit

at the same time.(heh heh heh) But to each their own,if your kids are willing

to use you real name,then go for it.

Ang

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks for all the great advice. I will let me son decide what to call me, and won't be upset if he decides he

can't call me Carolyn. As long as he will still talk to me and we are still close, that is all that matters.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Thanks for all the great advice. I will let me son decide what to call me, and won't be upset if he decides he

can't call me Carolyn. As long as he will still talk to me and we are still close, that is all that matters.

Carolyn Marie

I am in a unique position as I met your son when you and your family were in New Orleans. I can tell he loves you. I don't think there will be ANY problem. I suggest bringing him into the decision making process. He will easily understand your need to not be outed, even accidently, when in public. When he is at home - let him decide what to call you - you might want a new neutral name or affectionate reference - my wife calls me Ditzy - she won't use Lizzy that much.

It's a new world!

Lizzy