It's 2am, I'm Bored And Have No One To Talk To So...

[Guest Katrina_Carter]

I'm going to ramble on a bit until I get tired and go to bed. Not really about any thing in particular, mostly cause I have the need to share what is going on in my life and my family still wants to live in denial. Oh and the lack of any actual friends to talk to doesn't help either.

So I've said I was transitioning, but sometimes I don't feel like it really is happening. I mean I started seeing a therapist, and I think I hurt his feelings when I told him I had given up on religion. He seems like a fairly religious guy which has made me nervous, because the religious are not usually very tolerant and usually quite ignorant about us. He tried to hide it, but when I said that I saw a look of hurt and shock on his face for a brief moment. I told him it wasn't that I had given up on god, I still believe and believe you should be kind to your neighbors and lead a good life, but the whole religion in general the church and such is a lost cause in my eyes. After that though he seemed to be a little less smiley and talky and more clinical, he said it should take 90 days and I will be ready for HRT.

I still don't feel like it's happening though. The only time my mother talked about it was when she said it would be the biggest mistake of my life. My sister tells me she has her own issues and doesn't want to deal with mine. I just feel like it will be impossible to assume the life of a woman when I work at a minimum wage job and live with my sister. No money for wardrobe, no money to start over.

Even when I feel like it won't happen though I still practice with my voice. I still let my hair grow. I still remove body hair where it reviles me. I practice my voice at work (burger king ugh), and just tell everyone it is my normal voice that I was faking a deep voice for the last 2 years. I doubt they buy it, but since my voice was never deep to begin with they probably don't care. I sound like a woman over the speaker just fine, I get ma'amed until they pull up and see me at the window by pretty much everyone.

The one good thing about working there is that the uniform is gender neutral. Today (and the reason I am rambling and wanted to talk), a woman and her husband came in. My voice is fairly feminine, still needs work, but I had been at work for 6 hours and had a quite noticeable facial shadow beginning to grow again. A woman and her husband come in, she looks me straight in the face placing her order and when I ask if there will be anything else she says "no ma'am". I smile and get them her drinks and when I turn back she seemed a little flustered and says "I called you ma'am and if you are a sir I am sorry, I didn't mean any offense." I just smiled and said it's ok and went on about my business. It's funny how years ago when I was hiding it, if something like that happened I would have lowered my voice and said as gruffly as possible, "It's sir.". Now, it just makes me smile and laugh at how flustered people get.

Of course you get the jerks too. One day I was in the bathroom fixing my hair in the mirror when a customer walked in. He took one look at me, turned around and opened the door, looked at the sign on the door and muttered "I thought I had the wrong bathroom". He said it to be a jerk, but I didn't care.

I never thought I looked all that feminine. The picture I have on these forums is me in my normal street clothes. Living as a male. Presenting as a male. No hormones. All through my life though people would occasionally call me ma'am, usually when they were approaching me from behind. Back then it hurt a little. I don't know why. I had known I was transgendered since I was 11. Even told my best friend.

Oh and I did get one other compliment today. I am 33 years old, going on 34 this year. I was on another forum for GLBTQ and it is supposed to be an 18+ forum (just for adult oriented issues and conversations). I had my picture posted in one of topics and someone posted back that I was too young and I shouldn't be posting in these forums. That made me feel good

Well now it is going on 3am. If I don't go to bed soon I will regret it. So thank you for letting me ramble. It is nice to get it all out and written down when you don't have any one else to talk to

[Sally]

Well this is a good place to post and get responses - I am sorry that no one was here earlier but when you do get this, just know that you are not alone.

Not in your doubts about it ever happening and certainly not in your determination to make it happen and just so you will feel a little happy when you read this I will just say that you don't look old enough to post on an adult only forum, ma'am.

Katrina, post as often as you like, we are always happy to hear about good things - like being ma'am'd as well as very sympathetic to the less happy issues.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Katrina.....

Listen, Baby......

Transition is solw...yep! A slow process...

Now, the fact that you are working on your voice, removing hair, growing your hair ...are all signs of forward progress...

There are a million things to do other than HRT...which it sounds as if you'll be on in short order!

So, never let there be a time when nothing is going on with it...there is always something to do!

I'm glad that you came here to ramble...it's perfectly fine...there are so many that have the same issues as you and when it's discussed ...everyone wins...

Good luck, Baby!

Donna Jean