Hello Hello Hello

[Guest Blindheart]

So ya hi, I'm new here, found a link to this site a few months ago from someones Facebook page and bookmarked it and kinda forgot about it. I found my way into the chat room a few nights ago and I've just been kinda lurking in there for a few days and so far I've like what i have seen. now i found out there was a forum here so i figured i would join since this looks to be an active place and I really could use a group like this right now.

So down to business, I'm uh... 28 I think, i try not to dwell on ages to much since i still feel like a teen I am a MTF trying to be full time ASAP since i feel a little behind in my life already. currently i live in North Texas and for the moment i am unemployed. I biggest challenge right now is weather i should still try and pretend to be male and go be unhappy in another job, or start applying as female and then maybe not being able to get hired anywhere. For fun i usually just watch TV or DVDs and play Video Games. i've also really gotten into Facebook and thats a nice distraction from everything else. I also have been playing Everquest for like 10 years which is probably my only vice since i don't drink or smoke or do drugs or have relations with anyone.

My transition to date has been very slow... very slow. I graduated High School in 2000 and already knew i was interested in at least crossdressing. and even before that I've had an affinity to all things feminine for as long as i can remember. Once upon a time i had planned to move out on my own and try to fully explore all this stuff but that never happened. My parents divorsed near the end of my high school years and i kinda gave up on school my senior year an almost didn't graduate... i did not have a very clear idea about what to do with my life (and i still don't) so i ended up just working to help my mom pay bills and keep the house.

I ended up working at a movie theater where i met my first MTF person in real life. She never said she was but that's what rumor was. I never talked to her much except when required by work. she kind of scared be because i did not find her very attractive and because of the way people talked. I knew i did not want to end up like that so i kinda just put it all out of my head as best i could. despite that i still thought about it from time to time and always had the thoughts that if there was some magic girl pill or something that could make me 100% female i would have been first in line.

I eventually lost that job and ended up being mildly depressed for awhile since i had no goals in my life. i never had many friends either. Always felt different from everyone else and got more anti-social the more time went on cause i was afraid of being hurt. The last time i really had a real friend was probably in Elementary School. i finally found a new job at a video store and thought i was making a new friend there but i ended up getting arrested for stealing cause he was a bad influence on me. back i went to being alone and depressed and confused about who i was.

i eventually went back to school but i didn't work much. i learned about computers and graphic arts and stuff so it was fun but i still felt pretty isolated from people. i spent much of this time learning about what being transgendered was and experimenting with various other things in private to try to figure out my life. i finally got to the point where i had to get a job again or live on the street so i got myself hired at a new Movie thether that was opening close to me. unfortunately i had to cut my beautiful long hair... well it was really a mess but it was long and i loved it. i finally graduated school and kept on there for awhile cause it was fun and i had settled in but eventually i had to leave because it was not good pay and they were giving me to much greif about my appearance. i wanted to come out TG right then but i was way afraid and i doubt they would have accepted it anyhow

i stated to work on my appearance at this point buying new clothes to replace all my ugly boy ones as well as some forms and such to try and give my body proper shape up top. i determined at this point that i was a misserable failure and got to a really bad place. i got into a huge fight with my mom about who i was and what i was doing with my life. finally she forsed the truth out about me being TG... she was a little shocked but not much. she just thought i was gay or something already. after that we really didn't talk about it much although i started to be less secretive around the house finally to the point where she accepted my change in clothing and other girly stuff laying about the house.

i also found a pretty good well paying job with a call center, and tho i disliked the hours, i liked the money. i started building up a savings and learning more about being a girl and such tho i still kinda hit myself under long sleeves and jackets and such cause i was afraid to show off my progress. i think i had worked up a pretty good plan about how to start my transition. i had made a pledge to myself to go and see a doctor by the end of 2008 but i kinda chickened out and had second thoughts and ended up buying a flat screen TV instead. Its not that i didn't want to be female... its that i was really hoping one day to have a child of my own and i kept feeling like maybe i would find some way to have one or get some stuff frozen or something.

i readjusted my plan and had everything ready to go by summer of 2009 but i got a nasty shock when my supervisor had me fired because she did not like me. she made up a bunch of stuff and got most of the team fired from what i heard from some others after that. i would probably be very happy working there still if she had not taken over my team

after that all my plans pretty much dissolved, i actually got hired to work at a few other places fairly quickly but somehow or another i was told when i showed up for first day of work that there was not a job for me anymore. i started to get really depressed again at this point. i decided to go ahead with my plans anyway but instead of going to a doctor since i lost all my insurance i bough some herbal an then some real hormones from the internet.

I also started playing Everquest again which i had not done much the past 2 years when i had that job. was very uncomfortable for me there as well because i had created a male character to start and i had changed so much mentally since i had last played it just felt wrong to look at, and of course the few people i still knew treated me like i was which was hard. i really felt like giving up the game at that point as well as Real Life. Lucky me not a month after i had come back to this game they introduced a gender change potion... i am fairly positive I was the first person in game to use it lol . i really wish i could get one for real, $15 is a bargain for happiness.

this of course brought up a lot of questions about me and since i was at the point i really did not care much anymore i "came out" to everyone i knew there... and OMG the response was so amazing. It went so well in fact, that i decided to tell everyone i knew in my Real life as well. not that i know anyone as i have not had frineds for years at this point but my brother was like "oh yeah, i figured it out when i looked in your room one day" My father was also um... i wont say supportive but he did not have the horrible reaction i anticipated. i had not talked to him in like 10 years so i think he was just happy i was talking with him at all. i also told my grandma recently, i kinda thought telling her would be hard on her but she was ok with me too, i dont think she completly understands whats going to happen to me but she is ok with whatever i decide.

also out of all this i found the most amazing BFF in the world. she had kind of hung out with me in Everquest before i changed my character, but after i came out she thought i was like super cool and brave to be doing what i'm doing, and the fact that after i changed we almost looked like Twins is a super cool deal. And i give her all the credit for me still being alive today. i actually feel like i have known her my whole life we are that close now. the only problem we have left is being 800 miles apart so we cant hang out in real life hahaha

i did finally get a great job working for Apple(well a company that workd for them anyhow) at the end of last year doing more phone stuff, and since Apple is an awesome be yourself company i just went in there and was myself for the most part. Im not really sure if anyone thought i was a girl, but no one seemed to care i was different. Half the guys i worked with were gay anyway i think, and at least one TG... not 100% sure but she looks the part. we only talked once but she had no poblem calling me a girl so it was satisfying.

Now comes the end of my story as that job closed down, and i didn't get hired on for a work at home gig (AKA Dream Job for transitioning i think) so now im alone and depressed with few job leads as usual. I'm trying not to let it get me down but i do have some bad days. The Hormones i have been giving myself have been working well lately giving me all sorts of fun emotions among other changes lol. i'm also having random luck with people out in the world identifying me as female... tho not as much these last few weeks as it has warmed up and i don't have a very good summer look figured out yet. i am planning on redecorating as well since i dont think my room has changed since middle school. also looking to get my hair done as well and hope that will give me more of a female look rather than my mess of hair i have now.

Finally and most importantly i am hoping to find some doctors to get me properly cared for. i think i've done an amazing job on my own to get this far, but i dont think i can do much more now without some help. My only issue now is no job and no insurance so i really do not know where to go to find help that is not gonna cost me money i don't have. i already feel the pressure of not knowing if i will have a place to live every month and my $30k in school debts are not gonna pay for themselves.

well thats my story... the short version anyhow lol one of these days i'm gonna end up writing a book maybe i wont feel so poor anymore after that. sorry if this has been a long intro. I really hope i can find some support here and get some questions answered that i still havent figured out yet, like where are the free or cheap doctors at lol

♥Lana

[MaryEllen]

Hello Lana,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You've led an interesting life, for sure. If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask.

MaryEllen

[Guest Donna Jean]

Well, Hello, Lana!

I LOVE that name...One of my first girlfriends, years ago, was Lana!

Welcome to the Playground!

My, if that is the short version, I'll have to wait for the long version...time constraints, you know....LOL

Sit over here and let me get you some hot coco and a BIG plate of Sally's cookies...

Now...please take a minute to read the forum rules,,there is a link at the top of most pages...

And this is a moderated site to keep every one safe.

Honey...I'll have to tell you that we do not encourage taking hormones that haven't been prescribed by a doctor. We need to be monitored by blood tests to make sure that we don't shut down our livers or do other damage. I'm glad to hear that you're going to do it right...good on you!

It's really good to have you with us...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Lana! Hey, you don't happen to have a boyfriend named Clark, do you?

I was very interested in your story, hon. Don't let you job situation get you down too much. Lots of folks in the same

situation, and if you're persistent and talented, and it sounds like you are, then I'm sure things will work out.

This is a great place to share your journey into womanhood, as we specialize in support and love and providing resources

for our members. Please look around and post any questions you might have.

Good luck!

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi Lana

Welcome to Laura's Playground sweetheart.

Laura's is a forum for trasngendered support in all of its forms. We support each other through our successes and our failures. We are here for each other when one of us is in the depths of despair and we all celebrate when one of us is experiencing elation.

We give each other both moral and real tangible advice. Advice on everything from clothing, to coming out, to therapy, to passing, to hormones are given here.

Speaking of which, I noticed that you commented on "giving" yourself hormones. I do hope that you are under the care of an endocrinologist hon while you are undergoing HRT. Self subscribing hormones is not the right path hon. It is very dangerous and can prohibit you from transitioning in the first place.

There... first piece of unsolictied advice.

Can't help it hon.... I am a mother hen and I look out for my flock, which you are now a part of

Welcome

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Shane_82]

Welcome

~ Shane

[Guest KellyKat]

Wow Lana!!

That was some intro...even for the 'short' version! Thanx so much for sharing with us.

Welcome to Laura's! I hope you will stay and grow with us. You can feel right at home.

It is a PG13 sight... rules and regs at the top of the page... and self prescription is not

encouraged.... want to see everyone safe and happy. That being said ... post post post.

Luv KK

[Guest Melissa2010]

Hello, I'm new here too.

I enjoyed reading your story. Not your hardships, but getting to know about you. I cannot agree more with those who have cautioned you against doing hormones without someone overseeing it. I've been in the place where you want to take hormones soooo bad. I understand. I'm just starting to do it correctly with doctors and everything.

Good to meet you,

Melissa

[Guest Blindheart]

thanks for the welcome, i agree that my decisions on hormones may not be the smartest idea, and i don't recommend it for anyone. But i did my homework quite well i think, and stared with small doses and worked my way up to a moderate level. i am certainly not going any higher than this and i really do want to find a doc soon before my current supply runs out cause it's such a hassle to order

i think my only reservation right now is going to the wrong person and getting told "no, sorry, ain't gonna happen" and then I'm out a couple hundred $$ for the visit and no meds. *sigh* i hate not having insurance

[Guest swee'pea]

Hi BlindHeart,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Sally]

Dear Lana,

Welcome to the forums, I hope you liked the cookies - if you have any special requests I do bake most kinds on request - I am just terribly fond of double chocolate chip coolies.

I notice that you are from Texas - so I would like to over my help in getting you in touch with the right people for your HRT - it is a big state and North Texas takes in a pretty large area itself but there are members from all over it so I can do a little work and help you find someone.

You need one more post before you can use the PM system - then you can tell me where you live without it being here in the forums for everyone to see.

The Ancient city of Alexandria, was named for, A ) Alexander the Great, B ) Alexander the Pretty Good, C ) Alexander the Not Too Bad, D ) Alexander the Really Poor or E ) Alex P. Keeton.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

Welcome to Laura's

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lana

First WELCOME to Laura's!

We are glad you found us - and we will do our best to give you some help.

First - your intro was spectacular! Sometimes it takes a while for it all to soak in. I see you are struggling - work is the biggest factor probably. It's not a good time for anyone so I suggest putting your transitioning on the back burner and get employed whatever gender they will hire you in! YIKES. Get that out of the way.

Secondly - as EVERYONE said - DON"T USE illegal hormones - there are real subtle tricks to HRT and you can really damage yourself - or even do something that will ruin your chances of transitioning. Liver damage is just one danger. You can also induce a stroke. Read Laura's auto-biography.

Thirdly - post at least one more time so you can PM (private message). Sally is your girl. She lives in upper Texas and she is an expert in telling people how to find doctors who will do charity physician work for those without means to pay for it. There may be some in your area.

Finally. Please stay with us on this and tell us how things are progressing. This is a support site, and we all usually have somewhat the same stories - and are non-judgemental- and best of all, understand you instantly.

Lizzy

[Guest Blindheart]

The Ancient city of Alexandria, was named for, A ) Alexander the Great, B ) Alexander the Pretty Good, C ) Alexander the Not Too Bad, D ) Alexander the Really Poor or E ) Alex P. Keeton.

why u ask a dumb question like this? we all know that the city was named after my Best friend Alexandra

[Guest Elizabeth K]

why u ask a dumb question like this? we all know that the city was named after my Best friend Alexandra

Sally - you start a flame war here ... well.... I don't what to do!

hee hee

Lizzy

Actually -It was name after the purple conqueror of the then known world...

Alexander the GRAPE.

That is why all emporers and kings thereafter wore purple as the royal color.