Modality And Its Benefits

[Guest Bethany]

As I examine my transition process, I find that I get stuck on the notion of modality. Currently I exibit the traits of a feminine male. I'm more comfortible this way due to the context, I feel more feminine in a masculine context. In a feminine context I just feel too much like a guy. I would love a divergence of my male and female personas. Conceptualy I understand the benefit of modality, which means greater refinment of the feminine persona. You cant be everything to everyone and you shouldnt even try. My question is, can modality be initiated where it wasnt before? or am I stuck in a singular personality expression, of which my mind is pushed and pulled, from across the wide gender spectrum? Comments please!

/hugs Bethany

[Guest Andrea-M]

Hi Bethany,

I also seem to be affected in a similar way. Where at the moment(just started HRT) I exhibit all the triats of a v fem male but only in male terms, in female terms i'm not sure where I am. I feel feminine 90% the time, and wish to be excepted as so. But at the min I tend to try and not think of whether I do or say something in a particular way I just go with the flow and do what comes naturally, then enhance things if they have effect. I think you just have to be you and don't worry about your mind being pushed about.

Hope that helps

Hugs Andrea

[Cyndee]

Interesting post from deep in the past.

Rather than search for a "divergence", perhaps look for "wholeness" ? We are all some unique combination of both, one being dominate the other sub-dominate, when I transitioned, I simply switched them. We are essentially the sum of our parts, I have however left out many things that simply don't work anymore and continue to refine the now dominate.

Cyndi -

[tracy_j]

It is interesting in that I don't have too many issues with feminine or masculine traits as I tend to behave pretty much as me most of the time. This has brought about funny looks from males who still see me as male (for instance my best friend who looked strangely at me yesterday when I spent a few minutes combing my hair like a woman rather than a quick brush as a male would), but in relaxed circumstances I readily fall into a group of women and join into their conversation (something I really enjoy). I do use male mannerisms etc at times as anyone who had lived as male for years would be I tend to notice quickly as they now feel wrong and I correct myself.

With me it is more the physical side that I am less sure about as mentally I can live as female with minor changes (eg shaving, feminine hair and clothing). As time progresses I am getting more that way so do wonder if there will be a need for more physical changes in time. My dysphoria which has never been more than being uncomfortable with certain situations has to a large extent gone as I now am able to avoid most of the situations .

It is like Cyndi implied - I used to switch back and forth but now don't bother much, just adapt as required.

Tracy

[Laurette]

I've only just started this journey, but I have to agree with Cyndi. Wholeness rather than divergence. I know who I am (female) and what my body looks like (male), but I am just me, not two separate entities. I remember reading a while back about a theory of behavioral modality. Essentially it talked about how we all behave differently based on our current situation. So, I am one person, but at work, I'm in professional mode, at home it could be father mode, husband mode, handiman mode, etc. The whole isn't defined by any single mode, but all of our modes make up who we are.

As I see it, transition is simply spending more and more time in feminine mode and less in masculine mode. I know I've got a lot of mannerisms, etc. to un-learn and a lot to work on. I may not be entirely comfortable with where I'm at right now, but I can accept where I am on this journey and recognize that this will take time.

My best wishes for you,

Laurette

[StephanieVikingGirl]

I also agree with wholeness. I tend to be exactly myself now, without shields, all the time. In my caterpillar days, I shielded most of my girly personality, and mannerisms as much as possible. Now I just try to relax, and be me, at work, and at home. I am a bit unusual in some ways, and so as usual YMMV.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest KerryUK]

I liked what Laurette wrote,

I realised some time ago that there are a lot of things that ciswomen do which are really quite masculine. This applies to how they walk, dress and the kinds of things they enjoy doing in their spare time. It was at this time that I stopped worrying about if people knew that I like motorbikes, cars, trains, planes, formula 1 grand prix etc etc because there are loads of women who like them too. I have feminine mannerisms but not over the top however I can play around with them if I want because I am female and nobody cares if a girl is girly or not - such fun heehee. Anyway, I had a colleague friend of mine say to me one day, that she thought it was great that I had found my own unique femininity without being overly 'flouncy' - she said that I am one of the most ladylike ladies she has ever met. That was a compliment indeed.

So my point? I think that through transition, we (like cisgirls growing up) discover our own unique feminine style which is appropriate for us. There comes a point where one no longer really 'thinks' about the mannerisms etc - they just become our normality. Who we are.

Kerry

[Jani]

I guess this is what I hope for as well Kerry. To be able to like the things I do, without regard to gender. Your list is excellent although cars are number one for me! Even though I'm kind of late to the game I am discovering who Jani really is and what her personality is like. Normalcy, that's what I'm striving for.

As Cyndi notes an interesting post from the past.

Jani

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Jani,

Thank you.

I've reflected a little more on what I wrote. I don't know whether I am alone in this or whether others at a similar point to me agree but I've found that I've reached a point where all of the huge hurdles are past and I'm sort of drifting along as the woman I always wanted to be. Yes, there are still circumstances when I am a little nervous etc but I just get on with it now. It is such a strange feeling to suddenly realise that I arrived. On the whole, I am accepted by most people I meet and the odd disdainful look I may get - well, am I really bothered? Absolutely not, I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and I have probably done more with it than they ever will. My body matches how I feel inside and the fears of going shopping for those lovely things in the women's departments are long gone - I go shopping for MY clothes, shoes or make-up etc and if I want to try anything on, I do.

So, that feeling of normalcy is within reach for all of us Jani - all you have to do is to reach out for it. You will get there too - just you see.

Kerry x

[Jani]

I love a success story!! Thanks for your thoughts Kerry.

Jani

[Laurette]

Thanks for your perspective Kerry. It's comforting to know that there is a good landing place on this journey. Right now, I feel like I don't really belong on either side of the fence and a success story helps.

Laurette

[Guest KerryUK]

Jani and Laurette,

You are both very welcome - I'm glad it helped because I am always fearful of sounding smug and that couldn't be further from the truth. Believe me, I have that 'T-shirt' and remember all too well - that feeling of looking to the future and everything seeming so gloomy and uncertain. I was that bloke with the muscles and 5 o'clock shadow that would make Fred Flintstone proud. 'He' left the building some time ago now.

Kerry

[Swan13]

Slightly late to this topic, but I am relating 100% to Laurette at this point. Some days I feel nothing but fem and out of place and then other days feel less fem, but not like I necessarily belong with the masculine. I love hearing the success stories and yet at this point cannot conceptualize how I can live in a way that is truly me and not a personification of my birth gender. I've joked that I wish there was a blood test or something that would just say here is what you have to do. Just really stuck right now and trying to find ways to express my more feminine side without disturbing the balance in the home.

[Laurette]

Swan,

Maintaining that balance at home is the hardest part. Sometimes I can accept the slow (read glacial) pace needed to maintain that balance and other times I feel that I'm going to explode with my pent up need to transition and live life fully as the female that I am. There's tears and angry words between my wife and I at times and nothing but tender support at others. It does seem that the older I've gotten, more and more relationship 'entanglements' have developed. While at times I'd like to just walk away from them all and start fresh and transition as fast as possible, I still have responsibilities and obligations that as a spouse and father I have to uphold to maintain my own sense of integrity. That doesn't mean that I can't ever just be my feminine self, just that I have to go slowly for now.

Laurette

[Swan13]

Laurette,

Very much agree. Unfortunately, I would love to speak with my partner more about my internal struggles, but have been waiting for her to broach the subject again. I have been her rock when no one else has for a number of years and the thought of me not being me so to speak is quite unsettling. In some ways my I am stuck in my exploration of my true gender until she is more able to accept. In the end my commitment to her and the children are far more important than my own happiness. Like you said the pace is glacial. My hardest days are the ones in which I am beating myself up over my femininity and inability to maintain for the sake of the family. When I am in that place the thought of waiting a day longer to unleash my inner self is entirely too long. This of course leads to a nice downward spiral. Currently on the top though and things are good. I am just trying to stay focused on the little things that I can do to feel more in touch with my femininity without pushing things.