My Biography

[Guest Cayden]

Hmmm... I guess I start with the easy stuff and then I should begin my story... Well, I was born female but I am now starting the transition to be a man. I have been alive now for 19 years which have been very hard years. I have attempted suicide I do not know how many times. I struggle with a cutting problem for three years and an eating disorder (anorexia) for the past 11 years.

This is a condensed version. Again I was born female but my whole life I knew something was wrong. I knew that my identity was off. My mother was always supportive,; I remember her saying "honey whatever you are I will always love and accept you." However, other people are not always supportive. I remember at a young age hiding who I was. I learned how to act like a girl. I had trained myself so well that by the time I hit middle school I was the one person everyone could come to, to do their hair, make-up and pick out the best looking outfit. At this time I felt feelings for girls and I knew this was wrong. Not wrong by my mother but wrong by everyone else. My friends tortured me (not consciously) they always said how much homosexuals were wrong and how much transgenders were disgusting. At this time I also wanted to have a "sex change" (that is what I called it) and I felt if I did I would have been killed. I could never be myself, to fit in I would pick the most popular guy to say I had a crush on him so people would not out me. This is still a learned behavior I would love to unlearn. Thats another topic though. By the time I hit high school, I had pushed all thoughts out of my head about being a transgender queer. I had it rough in high school to fit in I dated guys and was raped by my first boyfriend. Then after dating guys I came out as bi because people liked bi's better than lesbians. I lost every last friend I had; not a pleasant situation. By the end of my senior year I had started drinking and still had a cutting problem which started my sophomore year. Also by my senior year I had many partners of both sexes and felt disgusted with myself but I did not know what was wrong. Looking back now I see that in my heart I knew but did not want to show it. Then I was a trainer for NCBI for about a year and they helped me realize what I had hid about myself for so long. I had led many trainings and one of the trainings had a transgender that is a FTM and he said in a caucus that he no longer wanted transgenders to be killed. At that moment everything flooded back to me and I felt wrong for lying to myself for so long. Fast forward almost a year...My beliefs have helped me progress to the point where I have finally decided it is time for me to be me.... I am going to be who I am if it kills me... That is one thing I still fear is being murdered by the ignorant... Which could happen in my town... Well I think that is enough to get off of my chest. I hope this is not too long.

[gennee]

First of all welcome to Laura's, Cayden. Congratulations in discovering who you are and acting on it. You've had a hard life but thank God for your mother's support. I pray that all goes well with you in your transition. Keep us posted on your goings on.

Gennee

[Carolyn Marie]

Cayden, thank you for posting your story. I know its been a struggle for you, and your life to now has been hard and lonely. But it sounds

like you know how to navigate the path before you and you know how to get what you need to be yourself for the first time.

If ever you do feel depressed again, know that we have resources here to help you. Our Moderators in Chat are trained in crisis intervention, and they are

a tremendous group of people. We are always willing to talk to you here in the forums too, via PM.

I wish you well, and look forward to seeing you around the forums.

Carolyn Marie