A Good Night's Sleep

[Guest Joanna Phipps]

For those of you in early transition or still dealing with an SO who thinks the solution to all of his/her problems is to leave you and start all over again let me tell you things can work out for the best where you and your SO remain together through the insanity of transition and beyond. However it is not easy for either of you since it involves you giving your SO all the mental and physical space they need to come to their own peace with what is happening. This may or may not involve your SO re-examining their own sexuality (mine did and has come out as bi but she has strong lesbian tendencies as well), it may or may not involve you and your coming up with some form of novel relationship form. I cannot possibly tell you what you have to do in order to salvage your relationship, what I can do is pass on what has worked for me and the time line that it too.

April 29, 2009:

I drop the bombshell of me being transsexual and watch as my world implodes nearly instantly. I move onto an airbed in the office and find that for the next eight or nine months that was to be my accomodations. In the early days I wouldnt even call us girlfriends, we were more room mates but not very good ones since she kept telling me she wanted out and the divorce was a matter of time and money. During this time of isolation from her, and the rest of the family, I made sure that I never brought the subject of transsexuality up although I did remain ready to answer any questions she had even if the answer was I don't know, let me find out.

June 12, 2009:

This was the day I had a serious curve ball thrown at me by my gender team. Lyne and I had gone to my Dr's appt thinking that I was going to have what I called the "Estradiol Discussion" but much to my horror found that the team wanted me to do two monts of RLE before they would authorize hormones. I think this might have been the beginning of the change that led to where things are right now. Lyne found out that this was actually a valid condition and that not only had it been properly diagnosed but the living full time was part of the management of the condition. This led to our first shopping trip as girlfriends, I needed some clothes to do begin living as a woman so that weekend she and I went to one of the local thrift shops to get some inexpensive clothes for me to start with.

Aug 12, 2009:

Finally the end of the two month period of being tossed to the sharks. I had not only survived this period but had thrived under it to the point that by August the only place I was still presenting male was at work, this too was to end by October or November. This was the magic day, I was supposed to have the "Estradiol Discussion" with my gp. If you think I wasn't nervous guess again the memory of the last time this discussion was supposed to happen was all to fresh. It wasnt until the nurse came in and in that peculiar nursing half statement/half question form asked or told me "Starting Hormone Therapy today", to which I answered that I hoped to be. However I still didnt quite believe what was happening until My Dr came in and handed me the release to read and sign as well as lettin me know of the risks and rewards of hrt. It was after all that she reached for the prescription pad and wrote the orders for the magic pills. Told me to set another appointment for labs and consult in a month. So began the next phase of the journey.

January 2010:

Things seemed to be settling into a form of normalcy where Lyne and I were living as girlfriends and room mates but where any thought and hope of a romantic relationship had vanished as the fog in the sun. Some months before I had come out to Lyne as Lesbian, it was time for her to drop her own bombshell on me. It seems that my transition had allowed her to give herself permission to examine her own sexuality. In a discussion we were having she came up with two revelations one was that she felt she was bi, and the other was that she had never been that excited by sex with a man and the only person whos touches excited her were mine. I dont know whether this was because of who I was or because I never truly was male, I still haven't asked why she thought that was.

March 2010:

Things have settled into normalcy on all fronts, our marriage is now a loving and functioning Lesbian marriage. My life is now that of a woman with my old life only a memory. As I have said to her she and I have definately put the "Till death do us part" in the wedding vows to the test. 

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Whats the secret to making it this far? I can only say that its a battle of time, patience, give and take as well as being willing to look at what has happened throught the eyes of your partner. She married or got into a long term relationship with a man, not a woman, along comes your Diagnosis and in many ways you become the ultimate other woman. She cannot fight you to get her man back because in her subconscious she knows that you are/were her man and that he isnt going to be coming back. This is not what she signed on for, and due to many factors may not be able to make the mental switch to having two women in a house which until recently she had shared with her man. It is my feeling that if you and she can keep things together beyond the first week, and through those first few months that you stand a good chance of going the distance. But just where did the title of the post come from; thats quite easy my wife and I, for the first time in ages, woke up this morning in that ultimate expression of love. We were tangled in a cuddle that happened sometime durring the night, and yes it was a good night's sleep. We were talking with a friend of ours yesterday and for the first time she refered to me as her wife. She says she is Bi; however I think she is a little nervous about admitting she is actually gay. I dont say anything about it, simply smile and allow her the space to finish figuring out where her sexuality actually lies. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Joanna, thank you for this look at your journey. It is very useful and instructive, and has a lot of great insights.

My wife and I continue to struggle with the same issues, and while she has been generally supportive, she has many

down moments when she wonders what will become of us, and if she can handle it. Those are very hard to get through,

because I don't have a lot of anwers for her. We are doing the best we can, but it is HARD.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest daphene]

Joanna thank you for this post. It has gotten me to thinking about my own journey and maybe the route i have chosen is not the best route to take to keep my marriage together. I am currently living in another bedroom in our house away from my wife at night. This seems to be helping but she still is not accepting of my feelings. I have been trying to get a different job and move to another state to explore my feelings even further than what my wife can tolerate which is not much. Your post made me wonder if I should just stay put and keep exploring a little more as time goes because at least we are under the same roof. This has been going on for me since nov. 2009 when i told her about my feelings of being transgender. Thanks again. Its good to re think sometime.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest JeanVier]

Joanna--

Thank you for your post! I am in a relationship with a cisgendered man for almost five years, and we have been struggling with my gender identity for about six months. Not 'out' yet, but it will come. We are always re-negotiating, always changing... and it is frightening to think that someone who means everything to you could leave if you decide to become who you really are. Your post gave me confidence and strength, and for that I thank you.

-JV

[Guest Donna Jean]

Joanna.....

I love the way that you "Timelined" all of that.

I've been witness to your whole process and I remember each and every step that you speak of here....

I'm glad that there has been a turn around...

I wish you continued love and success....

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest viv]

Thanks re your post Joanna , very informative and will act as

grnd advice to other members here . I have come to respect

you enormously Hun,,,,hope your smiling , luv,viv