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20, Confused, And Struggling.


Guest Holmes

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Guest Holmes

Hello,

This is not an easy post for me to type out but I'll do my very best.

I am a male, I act as much like one as I can for society but I don't want to be. When I was 10 I discovered how sensitive I was, and two years later I was diagnosed by a family doctor with depression/anxiety. Back tracking a bit...being 10 I was in middle school those were my best days I was in the band, I won a band award every year for best musician I was well known and liked...but when I was 12 things hit rock bottom...with many deaths in my family I began to fall apart. Then came puberty and my "horrible" discovery. My cousin and I who is also a male began to "play" sexually. We used to find our mom's underwear and bras and wear them...that went on till about age 13...we then began to actually have "sex"....we "liked" women however..but we were very sensitive..."girly" I guess is a better term?

I saw my first therapist at age 14 for 6 months, then switched only to see my 2nd for 1 day (she called my problems irrational), my 3rd therapist around age 16 (which is also the age where my cousin and I stopped pursuing our sexual encounters) left towns so I was unable to see that therapist....I wasn't sad I hated therapy THEN....but he gave me a card....of a woman who he said would "get" me...and she does...it's been 3 years this year..I'm now 20 I met her in July of 07'...and she has changed all aspects of my life for the better expect this one (but this is not an easy road to tred on)......

My therapy lately has been about sexually obsession and porn obsession...I discovered the word transsexual when I was around 15 while on a porn site.....to this day I have no idea if those transsexuals are "real"...as I thought the term meant fully going from one sex to another...while what I've seen was only partial transitions. Despite that I still crave the desire to be a woman...I have had no sexual relationships accept that with my cousin is that real? Am I a virgin? I don't know...do I want to be a female? I'm unsure.....I do know that I am not happy and I am very displeased with my body and features.....I want to be more feminine...and call myself beautiful, not handsome....I want to be intimate not sexual (or just sexual that is).......

Inside me lies many things...but I don't have an answer to what I want to be.........or what to do.....thank you for reading.

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Guest ~Brenda~

Hi Holmes :)

Welcome to Laura's Playground!!!!

I know that this was a very big step for you to join and introduce yourself, but I want you to know that you are safe here and you are OK.

Now hon, I moved your post to the Introductions forum since this was your first post and I wanted everyone to get a chance to greet you.

Watch out for Sally, she loves to stuff you with cookies :D

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome

HUGS

Brenda

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Hello Holmes,

Brenda warned you so here I am, let me offer you some helpful advice over a cup of hot cocoa and a plate of fresh baked cookies.

I'll cover the read the rules, there is a link at the top of nearly every page and we are a moderated site to keep it PG-13 and safe for the younger members and their parents.

Now to the helpful advice - I know that you are not a fan of therapy but your best friend right now would be a therapist who specializes in gender identity disorders -they can help you to find your comfort zone - your place on this gender spectrum.

Until you find one, read around the forums, ask questions and let us get to know you we can help a little but we are not trained therapists.

This world is very big and there is a place for everyone - you have found one in the playground.

Welcome to the family.

Love ya,

Sally

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  • Admin

Welcome to the Playground, Holmes.

I hope you find many of the answers to your questions here. But, like Sally said, you won't really know who you are, gender-wise, until you

can talk with a gender therapist.

In the meantime, you can and will find a lot of great resources here, and folks who will gladly answer any question, no matter how

difficult or strange you think it is. You will find kind, supportive people here, all willing to help you. A better group of people you won't find

anywhere.

Carolyn Marie

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Hello Holmes. Welcome to Laura"s . So Hun, still finding yourself yeh ??

No problem there , the good stuff in life is best pondered over imo.

Gender Identity tho is a biggie Hun and although you may not want

a Therapist on your desert island wish list I would strongly consider

the "" couch "" for an hour /you never know , certainty may await .

For now Holmes talk to us here , as was pointed out in an earlier reply

we are not experts but as you know a caring word can be worth its weight

in gold . Luv,viv :)

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Guest swee'pea

Hi Holmes,

<<hug>>

It is Ok to be confused about your gender.

A good therapist should be able to help you.

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

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Guest Donna Jean

Hello, Holmes...

Welcome to the Playground, Hon!

Gee, it seems as though you have a lot of questions that need answering. I hate to sound like a broken record, but, a Gender Therapist is the route that you need to take..

They specialize in all of the gender spectrum and will help you find out just what you need to do....

Dear, I wish you luck and a smooth road ahead ...

Huggs

Donna Jean

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Guest JeanVier

Hello, Holmes!

Thank you for such a heartfelt and honest introduction-- that must have been difficult to type! You have made an excellent choice to join Laura's and begin sharing your story. This is SUCH a supportive, empathetic, and nurturing community. So, the first post-- the hardest one!-- is over, and now you can begin exploring the forums, reading others' posts and adding your own! You might want to investigate the Teens' forum, along with the "What am I?" and the MTF forums-- but feel free to explore and contribute everywhere! I look forward to getting to know you!

-JV

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Guest Evan_J

Welcome.

It sounds like you have a good therapist who is working well for you. One who "fits" and as you say "gets you" is the key. Not sure if they're very versed in the gender stuff or if eventually you'll add one of those on in addition to. Just so you know though, you wouldn't be the first trans person to go the route of just directing their existing therapist to some trans information in hopes that they could fulfill both needs ;)

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