Woman Express Train Derails--many Feelings Injured

[Guest BeckyTG]

Hello Sweet Sisters,

I just returned from a 8 hr drive (one way) with my wife to see our son and his SO to introduce Becky. It went well and he's very supportive and so is his SO. That's the good part.

The very bad part is that my supportive wife saw the joy in Becky for the journey. She suddenly realized that Bubba (not my real name) is dying and will be gone soon, if he's not already.

The love of her life has been taken from her and there's not a thing she can do about it. She's extremely despondent and grieving like I've never seen her grieve.

Personally, I'm devastated and watching my world crumble around me. She means everything to me and we've been together for a very long time. I'm not able to convince her that I'm still the same person inside. She won't hear of it. "He's gone--the man I loved is dead". She harbors no ill will toward Becky, but she does feel like she was fooled and deceived. She can see that Becky will be a better person, but she believes that her world is pretty dark right now.

I can only hope that I can convince her that there IS a road ahead, even though it's a long road. I hope to get her on that road with me.

I knew this process would not be easy, I knew I'd be tested and tried. I knew it would be an ordeal by fire. I'm not giving up and I'm not a quitter. I'm prepared to face this ordeal.

I 'm crying like a baby and I need a few prayers right now. Nothing we all don't need from time to time. I'm no different than any of you on this road.

I have even more hurdles ahead this week.

Becky

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Becky, I'm very sorry that you've hit this big bump in the road.

I do know exactly how you feel, hon. I really do. Just when you think everything is going along great, BAM! reality hits you between the eyes.

It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is reality.

My G.T. was surprised at the level of support and encouragement and acceptance I had been receiving from my wife since August. When I told her recently of

a major setback, a reaction very similar to that of your wife, my G.T. was not only not surprised, she was somewhat relieved. She told me that, if my wife had

not reacted that way at some point, she would have thought my wife was in serious denial, which could be very bad in the long run. The delayed reaction included deep

sadness, depression and wondering if we could make it past these early stages. It is all part of the process that spouses have to go through.

I think the best thing to do is give your wife space, but tell her and show her that you do understand what she is going through, that her feeling of loss is real

and honest and understandable. Tell her that you will be there when she needs to talk.

PM me if you would like to talk more. I am here for you, as I know you would be for me. Hang in there, my dear sister.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Sally]

Dear Becky,

I am so sorry to hear this but at some point in every relationship there is a point when the realization that the man they knew is gone and there is a woman in his place.

It is very difficult to convince someone that you are the same while all of the physical changes are happening.

It is also very difficult to convince anyone that you were in denial yourself until you had to admit it or die.

We did not enter into marriage trying to deceive anyone we were trying to be 'normal men' and our choices were to find soul mates and then when we were not cured we wanted to stay together even after transitioning.

Life does not always go as planed it occurs in those times when all plans have failed.

I am here for you - I am sure you know that.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Chandra]

Dearest Becky,

Try this just for her sake, try splitting the difference between Becky and Bubba just for her. Find a middle ground between the two so the change will be more gradual, play it by ear to keep her happy with the old world that she is familiar with so that worlds colliding will be more pallet able for her. let Becky evolve more slowly in her eyes to minimize the change.

good luck big sis, do what ever it takes to keep mama happy. remember if mama is not happy no one is happy

I know you can do it Becky, Love Chandra

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Becky,

What so often happens is that one forgets that transitioning is not only for one's self. Transititioning is a two way street. As you transition, all those around you transition also. This is why transitioning is so complex. Transitioning is beyond just you.

Now you are beginning to understand.

Brenda

[Guest Donna Jean]

Becky...my Dear, sweet girl.....

This involves a huge "Catch 22"....

First there is a woman stealing your wife's husband....

And you are that woman...

So....you are the husband AND the Hussy....

Please just try to take it slowly, Hon.....

It takes time...This is huge stuff....

I wish you the best!

LOVE

Dee Jay

[Guest Maelee]

I really hope that your wife will come around and stay with you Becky. Keep letting her know that she is important to you and that she means the world to you. At the same time give her time to adjust to your changes.

Wish I could offer more but I am pretty horrible with relationships

Love and *hugs*

Mae

[Guest angie]

My heart really goes out to you Becky.(Hugggggssssssss)

What she is saying,and how she feels,hurts you just as deeply

as the hurt she is experiencing. She has to be given her time to

adjust to that fact that for all intents,the male you is dying in her eyes .

She is going to grieve,just like all your relatives will have to grieve the

passing of a dearly loved one. We rejoice and are thrilled to our deepest

core to have finally found ourselves and want to tell the world about it.

But it will take time to adjust to the coming of Becky,because your and

their whole world has just been thrown off it's axis,by admitting you are

a girl,and have always been.

Big Big Hugs,

Angie

[Guest SusanKG]

Dearest Becky,

When it has real meaning and love, a marrage is our anchor and our hope. When we actually start transition, it can be our greatest pain, knowing what it is doing to our spouse. Those that aren't married or deeply involved are both the lucky ones and extremely unlucky by being alone. It scares me every day wondering whether she will decide not to stay. It also scares me greatly wondering what will happen if she stays. You know and I know that we are still here, we are not going away, we are not turning into different persons, just much better and happier persons. We know that and we desperately hope they know it. I know that many have faced this situation; it turns out differently every time because there are always different people involved. I think it helps greatly that your son is accepting, so you did gain. Good luck hon, I know we all are hoping for you both, and thinking of you.

SusanKG

[Guest Laura1977]

I wanted to respond to your post, and offer words of encouragement and sympathy, but many of them have already been said, and most of them would not have helped, so I'm just going to say that I will hope for the best for you, and send you positive thoughts.

It's a hard road, but don't let the odds beat you. Just take it easy.

[Guest foxy]

the human mind is a odd thing, it blocks out all thoughts and can even make one not see what is happening to protect their mind until they can mentally handle it. just as when we lose a loved one, we may not cry at the funeral, but in time we shed tears, may it be days from the time of loss or years it all comes in time.

i hope she comes around, i'm positive she will. finding the common ground may help, but though we are being our true self's most the time our same beliefs, ideals and feelings stay the same if not slightly tweaked a bit.

i'm sure she'll come around, but she'll need you to show her the positive side of being your true self, along with seeing the common ground

big hugs,

amanda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Becky

I am sorry it happened - but it seems part of the process. I have been fighting this for about a year and a half. Natal women usually marry 'a man' or so they think. And if things shift, NO AMOUNT of arguement convinces them you are the same person! Its a love you - love your body thing they have for you as a play-acting male. If the body gets taken out of the equation, it's an impossible task to have the 'you' remain as a 'stand alone' thing for them.

I was shocked to know how sexual women are really at the core - much more than men I think. It has to do with the size and physical form of a male as 'protection.' And a male penetration thing. You see a bit of that now. We women are so vulnerable! We like to have a man around to physically intervene between us and the world. A male-female combo in sex. Two women in a marriage changes that dynamic.

I have it with my SO - Dee Jay has it with hers - Carolyn Marie is seeing it! That initial shock and general acceptance can slowly change into a hatefulness of what they feel we have done to them. We are guilty of a betrayal in their eyes - and eventually we get called on that. It takes a lot of communication to work through that. Some leave immediately, some stay until the SRS then leave. It seems many do leave, only a few stay the course.

And only the fact that we are older and have lived a good life already, gives us a chance at success. My wife told me last night she considers us roommates. If she finds someone else more to a romantic man-woman relationship, I know she will leave me. I am pretty sure she will leave me after SRS. I asked her if she would go with me for my surgery. She said no.

We pay a price, my dear Becky. And at this time when we should be at our happiest, it happens like this.

You will survive and prosper - you now have your dream. It's a tragedy we can lose our life partner. But you are now you. You are what you are at last.

Lizzy

[Guest Cris]

Becky,

I am so sorry for you. My wife and I are going through similar problems with my transition. I can only offer you prayers and words of encouragement, as there is no one off answer to this issue. Have plenty of heart to heart talks and continue to show her the deep affection that you have for your relationship.

Cris

[Guest Girl Emily]

Becky,

It seems that there is no end to the pain of being transgender. The worst pain is knowing how we can be the cause of our loved ones loss and distress as we change. I will pray for you both.

May the Lord's peace come to your home.

Love,

[Guest BeckyTG]

I wanted to respond to your post, and offer words of encouragement and sympathy, but many of them have already been said, and most of them would not have helped, so I'm just going to say that I will hope for the best for you, and send you positive thoughts.

It's a hard road, but don't let the odds beat you. Just take it easy.

Dear Laura,

Thank you so much for the support. You're incorrect to assume that if others have already offered encouragement and sympathy that your words would not have helped.

Each sister that responds and shares our pain with us helps us. We will each have our day in pain through this process and we must support each other in that time, just as we celebrate each other's victories.

Thank you.

Girl Emily wrote: "Becky,

It seems that there is no end to the pain of being transgender. The worst pain is knowing how we can be the cause of our loved ones loss and distress as we change. I will pray for you both.

May the Lord's peace come to your home.

Love,"

Dear Girl Emily,

Thank you so much. Everyone's sympathy and understanding has helped me deal with this and cope.

I needed the prayers.

I love all of you, my Sweet Sisters--

Becky