Body, You Betray Me.

[Guest JeanVier]

So. I've been trying to resolve this for some time, but a fiercely dysphoric experience in the shower this morning has left me in a precarious state-- but I wanted to reach out before letting things get too out of hand.

I am a tall person (5'10"), and I have a fairly low weight. However, I am extremely small boned (teeny wrists, etc), so even though I might not weigh much, any added weight shows. I have struggled with anorexia for the last twelve years, and I spent high school (5-7 years ago) in and out of inpatient ED hospitalisation. Since my last inpatient stay in 2005, I have remained out of the hospital, though struggling still.

I think I will try to avoid numbers, but if my average (semi-restricting, exercising with moderation) weight is X, my highest weight (in the hospital, three meals and a snack and five Boost-type drinks a day, zero activity) was x + 10 and my lowest weight (eating 500-750 calories per day, very weak) was X - 13.

The first time I went down to X - 13, I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse; when I gained weight, it resolved. Two years later, when I dropped to X - 8, I was diagnosed with a heart murmur; again, when I gained, it resolved. I notice that I begin to develop hypoglycemia, faintness, and weakness around X - 5, but it is at that weight when I feel good about myself and flat in the chest...

In the Fall, I went down to X - 5. However, since I had a three-week study abroad trip in January, and I worried about becoming faint or ill in a foreign land, I went up to X/X + 2. Since I returned, I have been eating 1000-1500 calories per day, walking two miles three times a week and playing Frisbee once a week, and my weight has not budged. If anything, I feel like I have gained weight.

I have not weighed myself-- I am worried at what I might do when I see the number. It is so strange! I am restricting and exercising, but my pants are feeling tighter, I feel like I have palpable mass that shifts when I walk, and-- the worst of all-- my bosom seems to have grown tremendously. Sometimes, my chest hurts, like it IS bearing more weight and suffering for it.

I tried increasing my calories and decreasing my activity for 1-2 weeks, as I know that going for too long without enough nutrition can put one's body in 'starvation mode', leading to weight gain. This is when my thighs and chest grew, and my restricting and exercising has not decreased them at all. I tried to get more sleep, hoping that might enable my body to cleanse itself-- no luck.

And-- I feel myself trembling when I remember this-- in the shower this morning, my bosom looked so huge, my stomach so round, and I nearly began weeping or beating myself. I have struggled with cutting, fasting, over-exercising, and I want above all to avoid that route. I tell myself that I just need to lose 5-7 pounds, because I think I am around X + 4, and losing that much would put me in my safe and confident zone... but it is impossible to lose an ounce, and every day seems to bring a larger me.

I feel so frustrated, because I am not sitting around, zero activity, eating chocolate truffles all day. True, I am not starving myself, as I seem hungry much lately, and if I go for even eight hours without food, I feel myself becoming faint and weak.

I wish I could handle this by myself and solve the problem. (Arg-- I guess that's the guy in me!!) But, I must admit, the episode in the shower scared me, so I am reaching out. (And, if you have read this far, a thousand thank yous.)

-JV

[Guest SilverDragon]

Hmm...

There is one thing I have to say. Eating too little or too much is bad for you.

I know I'm not being useful but here's what I mean:

Starving yourself may make your problems go away, but they will cause bigger problems.

Eating disorders can become addicting. I have had periods where I starved myself and periods where I ate and ate and ate... I had only gotten used to the eating and eating one, but luckily (I hate to say this) puberty started to use all those calories and now I have a normal weight again.

Point is, they are addicting.

You could wrap your chest. It isn't the best solution, but it sure is better than starving yourself to get rid of your breasts.

But, I believe breasts are organs. They have a purpose like other organs and if you starve yourself, your other organs will lose weight as well. Maybe your breasts could be smaller, but lungs and heart need to be at 100%.

If you can get a doctor to prescribe you hormones, your breasts will probably stop growing. Just be very careful, and don't do illegal hormones.

Other than that, remember that lots of guys have flabby chests with concentrations of fat on their upper chests. Its what a lot of MTFs and CDers try to work off of.

But most guys are larger than women. Becoming very small may not help. Many men are larger-set, and you may want to change your outlook on what suits your purposes.

I hope I helped with this.

[Guest JeanVier]

SilverDragon:

Thank you, so much, for responding. Your response did help. I tend not to think of breasts as organs, just as deposits of fat, but you are very right-- they -are- organs. While their size can be reduced through fat loss, there is a point where further reduction comes at the cost of reducing heart, brain, lung tissue as well... thank you for reminding me.

I have been binding on some days, wearing two sports brassieres on other days, and that helps. Next week, I want to call the gyn doctor and see if I could switch to progesterone-only BC, as, after reading back posts on the FTM board, I think estrogen/progesterone pills could be giving me certain side effects that I would do much better without.

Thanks again, SilverDragon.

-JV

[Guest angie]

Save and get those offending things taken off your body.

My good friend Leigh hated his,beat himself up(literally)

for having something he knew did not belong on him.

Since his top surgery,he is a much much happier guy.

The scars phase him none in the least,in fact he is proud

of his scars and the fact that for once he can and does

walk around shirtless. Take care of this image problem,

and the eating disorder will resolve itself. And when you

can get on T,your E will shutdown,making your tummy and

your thighs manly,as the roundness will go away.

Hugs JV,

Angie

[Guest JeanVier]

Angie:

*hugs* Thanks. After reading your post, I had this realisation that I -would- be so much more comfortable without these bumps. I could walk around without a shirt! I could allow my partner to touch me there! I would be so much more comfortable in this body. I am so worried about my partner's reaction, as he is very attracted to the curves, but he would know that I would be so much happier. There is a place in my state that could do it, and well, from what I hear!, for $6,000. This poor college student will start saving money-- wouldn't it be lovely to have this Summer 2011, before I begin grad school in Fall 2011? *hugs*

-JV