Letter To Erica

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Erica PM'd me and wrote, along with other things, she had come out as a cross dresser to her wife.

I replied that I was sorry to hear about her wife's reaction, a seeming confusion that may or may not ever be resolved.

I had come out to my second wife - as a cross dresser (although I knew there was more to it) thirty years ago. She eventually divorced me, probably half-caused by this cross dressing condition. I am out to my current wife, as a transsexual, she is giving me grudging support.

So I felt I could respond to Erica, and as I am long winded....

Erica

I went back and read you profile statement. I have a few opinions (what a surprise) that might help you put a handle on this. First of all let me update my own status - age 62, married happily, three grown children all married, in a professional career, but semi-retired, working as a consultant. I started cross dressing at about age eight, but because I wanted to be like my two younger sisters. My dad was abusive to me (whippings) but never touched my sisters. I soon found my mother's clothes fit me better and would lock myself in the bathroom and root through the family dirty clothes. I was also fascinated with color - lipstick, rouge, fingernail polish. I wanted to be able to dress like the women and girls in my family and use the accessories they were allowed to use.

And my father, really a sweet man when he wasn't upset over something and taking out on me, he must have noticed I was not out playing with the other 'boys'. The girls would not accept me (cooties I guess) and the boys knew I wasn't like them. BUT my best friend age 5 through 10 - was the girl across the street. She was an only child and looked upon me as her best playmate, Of course we gender mixed our play. BUT my dad forced me out of the house, and away from my beloved books. He made me wear a buzz cut untill I was a senior in High School. He sent me to a militaty oriented University to make a man outta me. Well Dad? Didn't work very well! ha!

I dressed EVERY chance I could get - in private, totally underground, from age 8 until age 61. Now I dress as a woman because I am in transition, so my cross dressing is when I am in male drag, which is really only at work.

So at age 8, I thought I was the only boy in the world who wanted to dress like a girl. Until age 14 - when two girl cousins and I were looking up dirty words in the dictionary - ha - we found the word 'transvestite." Well it was not exactly what I did - but it was the only thing that sorta fit. Later the word 'cross dresser' would supercede transvestite.

So we sorta match histories up to a point.

BUT Erica

I wad wished I was a girl from the beginning of time, it seems. I told my mother at age 3 1/2 I was a girl! She said I had to grow up as a boy and be like my father. That was terribly wrong so I decided I would just be a girl in a boy's body. I went underground. I think that makes me a transsexual - not a true cross dresser. There are other instances and things in my life that differentiate me - like the time I tried to castrate myself - grin. (good hint something was going on with me - gender dysphoriawise)

But I was in denial. Cross dressing for me was really an affirmation of being female - I understand that now.

True cross dressing is more of a dressing to express a feminine side of yourself, my personal opinion of course. [NOTE - I am addressing males crossdressing as women - my apolgies to you female who dress as men] A male CDer remains male at the core. I BECOME female when I dress. That makes me transsexual I think.

And there are other conditions where a cross dresser is more than a simple fetish dresser. Some actually want to express androgyny - be both male and female - a unity of spirit.

Erica, it seems you started in a fetish manner, with silky undergarments - and I did to a lesser degree with my fascination with color. So it all mixes together sometimes and we have a harder time classifying what we are. Even as a transsexual I sometimes call myself a cross dresser as well. When I decided to transition and started having my own clothes - 'my clothes' not 'women's clothes' (although they are certainly what we women wear) my old cross dressing ways went away. Now I always dress for my age, the season and the occasion. My closet filled up - but mostly with practical clothes - because I have to live in them now.

Cross dressers have sexier clothes than MTF transsexuals, I always say that! FUNNY

You as a cross dresswe may never have a gradual acceptance of women's clothing as just clothes. The joys of silk on bare skin will always be a thrill! I am already taking wearing women's clothes it as what it is - everyday - but the 'joy' is still there, being affirmed as what I am. Its a different world for we who transition - I thought I had an idea of what it would be like before I started HRT and the changes began - but it's really something else. I finally belong in this world.

BUT

WOW - All that? My PM to you is really aimed at advice - telling your wife what is going on. I see you are a private at home person. I suspect most CD'ers are that way. She needs to understand that. And she also needs to understand, as you say, you are really more subdued in your dressing and can partially dress, compared to her preconceptions. That makes a lot of difference. You really just need a way of self expression and a little relief from the pressures of the world. CDers, me included, describe it that way - a release - an escape.

Understand she has concerns:

(1) You will be found out and your reputation ruined! Explain that as high as 1 man in 100 crossdresses to some extent or has in the past. Explain you will not need to express yourself visibly in the general public areas. You may have articles you wear daily, but explain you will be descreet - and she needs to help you with this. Plus many women's clothes are also unisex enough to be accepted as male.

(2) You will esculate your dressing. This will probably happen as you both together get more confortaqble with your condition. Tell her you will keep her in the loop, and make decisions together. But make certain she understands the fetish and the comfort level attraction of CDing. Some things she will not want to see - so agree to whatever affects her negatively, in private. However, some things - she won't mind much. Talk that through. For example, my wife is NOT bothered by earrings - I wear them all the time. We pick them out together. She borrows mine sometimes. BUT, I cannot wear lipstick around her.

(3) You will eventually want to have a sex change. Hard to know if this would ever evolve, impossible to know for sure, untill you work it through with a gender trained therapist. BUT let her know cross dressers are not transsexuals, and only when a cross dresser discovers he was cross dressing for different reasons-other than just expressing a feminine side - he was dressing to be female, will that person consider transitioning (technically transition is not a sex change. The operation (SRS) modifies the sexual characteristics. It is cosmetic and used as the' icing on the cake' - to make us MTF feel complete.) We TS cross dressed for most of our lives but in a different way. 'My Husband Betty', is a good book on this.

(4) You are a joke. NO NO NO - it is serious business! Explain this is something you are. It is a condition that has no really effective "cure" and aversion therapy, or religious intervention, or constant purging and denial - DO NOT WORK. It may seem like an addiction, it may seem like a compulsion, but it is really a part of your being. And being allowed to cross dress- with her knowledge, hopefully with her support, and most hopefully with her help? You can be a more loving, gentle person. You will be happy and it will improve your relationship.

That is my advice. GRIN - Custom tailoring all this to your personal situation is your job! And it ain't necessarily easy!

So be yourself and know what you are is okay. Hopefully you and your wife can enjoy life - and she will just see you have a dimension she never knew existed.

Lizzy

[Guest Donna Jean]

Lizzy.....

WONDERFUL!

Dang, Girlfriend....You certainly do have a grasp on this subject! I truly enjoyed reading this...

My heartfelt thanks for putting this up, Honey....really, REALLY good!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Thankya dear! We should know cross dressing - dearheart - had enough practice! Don't ya wish you had some of that pretty stuff you purged? I sure do - two pair of skinny strap sandals! oh my!

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

Liz, I can't add a single thing to that post. You've said it all. Thanks!

Erica, you know I'm here for you, hon. Whatever you need, all you have to do is ask.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest EricaG]

Thank you all so much it feels good to know that there are people who understand and really care

Erica

[Guest Yinyang Mist]

Great reading, thanks for sharing..

[Guest Janica Lynn]

Lizzy, thank you.

Your post answered a lot of questions that I had.

I am single and live alone, so I do what I like and I don't have to 'out' myself to anyone.

Conflicted, not happy and wondering where I fit in to all of this.

Not a 'cross dresser' which I listed my gender as. I see that, now, because of your post to Erica. And, no, not trying to do 'self therapy', just trying to understand myself.

"Dressing" is just that. Clothes that fit who I am. It's everyday and I always do! But scrubbing the bathroom in a dress is not very practical. Heels are wonderful but my slippers are more comfortable to be on my feet all day.

I never understood the definitions until now.

Thank you,

Janica Lynn

[Guest claire L]

Dear Elizabeth

Your post makes so much sense to me. I am new here and looking at each of the posts to try to make sense of me. What you say just keeps on making me say "yes, I know that" or "I've been there".

Big Big hug from me

Claire

[Guest Krystyna_Marie]

Thanks, Elizabeth!

KM

[Guest csweetansassy]

Lizzy,

Thank you from all of us that have come out to someone we loved and they only closed the door only for the feel of the unknown. We never said we stopped loving them. We just want to love ourselves, just like anyone else. Good luck Erica, I hope that both of you can solve this togerther. Give her some time and a little space for now. Both of you get seperate consecling and also get it as a couple. Bless the both of you.

[Guest Evan_J]

That was really good to read. I think it will be helpful to a lot of people. Personally, I never understood what the big deal was. I knew a guy in highschool, he crossdressed, (pantyhose mainly but some underwear) I couldn't imagine why that would be a "big deal" if it was in the house and only she knew. I 'm not cisgendered tho lol.

[Guest mia 1]

It is no big deal coming to terms with it and finding a friend who you can talk to and tell them, hey I am very normal, just like the myself as the other gender and express it through my clothes,

Hand me another box of tissues while you are at it.

[Guest Susan57]

Hi Lizzy,

I just read your letter and I am really impressed with the clarity. I wish I could have come up with the four points you made at the end about a wife's concerns. I wish I could have come up with those, with such clarity when I had that talk with my wife (still not really settled). I am going to reread it and think if anything has to be added or modified so it will apply to my wife and I any better. Since I could not be as clear with my wife I gave up temporarily because of my need for a somewhat peaceful life, until I clarify my thoughts and feelings with accurate words that can be accurately communicated to my wife. She does not understand me and I can't quite experss my feelings with precision to get her to see me. I am not really adding any insight to the topic right now but wanted to say thank you for writing it and posting it.

Sincerely,

Susan

[Guest Sheila_R]

Thanks Lizzy,

I'm new to this and also facing how to present the situation to my wife whom I love so much! Your comments were extremely helpful and so on point.

Sheila

[Guest 4rossy]

I cant rilly match any of thoes but i did come out to my ex-wife she didnt take it very well, but after we talked we tryed it together but she just got mad and ended our time together but u need to make yourself happy talking to her about it will make feel beter

[Guest KatyDesire]

A response like this needs a prize! Thank you Lizzie. I think many of us have these issues - I'm just hoping one day I can get past them. And that my wife can too - she seems almost to be more comfortable at the moment than I am. But its still early days. Please keep on dispensing your wisdom!

Katy