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Marriage/heartache/denial/relationships


Guest Andrea-M

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Guest Andrea-M

Hi ,Does this sound familiar to some of you ?Wanted to have my hair long and wear a skirt to school at four yrs, cross dressed all my life when i could( mums and siters clothes). Always felt not right being a boy, things that boys did talked about just did not appeal, was much happier playing with girls. At 14 attempted suicide. At 17yrs started buying my own clothes and going out socialy as a girl (my parents were aware that I dressed but never saw me) . Lost a few girlfriends due to being more interested in their wardrobe than them,had quite a few encounters with boys/men (which i really enjoyed). Confused to whether I was gay or not. Had a encounter with a man that led me to start to understand that I was more feminine than i thought. Went into denial and refused to believe that I was Transsexual and not just CD, but at the same time started to think of the implications of changing sex. This eventually drove me into further denial. (This is the time I should have got help 1989). Drank heavily for 2 yrs with no relationships, did not want any, to scared of not knowing what I wanted.Met fell deeply in love with my wife in 1991(she being 10yrs older than me), married in 93. Let her know that I was CD from the onset. She asked my many times before we married if I was absoluteley sure that I was only CD , she said if it turned out I was more than that in the future that it would kill her. I searched my feelings and concluded I was CD....(I obviousley did not search hard enough or didn't want to, or had so deeply buried my real feelings so deep that I could no longer feel them...Huge mistake!!!). By 1997 was overwhelmed by my sure feeling that I was TS, went for help through my Doctor who arranged counseling session which was totally useless since the councillor had no reasonable knowledge of GD issues (I knew more than he did). During this time my wife found out about my counseling and hit the roof. I attempted suicide she had a breakdown. Suicide failed ,not the ways to go, ever!!! Went into second denial and sacrificed my life for their (wife and kids (2 girls), worked really hard , went from pennyless and despair to running my own business and moderately well off within 10yrs. But all during this time I suffered every day with the pain of my GD. Every womens' clothes shop/shoes/cosmetics etc wrenched at my heart, if i did not focus all my soul on my work i would loose my mind. Eventually i broke, could not take it anymore. Had to get help....knew i wouldn't kill myself but felt like it. Saw a private Gender Proffessional and got the help i needed......I am now on the road to a happier life. BUT now it has its costs in a different way ....... My business collegues and clients are fine with my desicion to transition and so are my parents and wider family (I am very lucky), but i have to deal with the fact that i am causing my 13 and 14 daughters pain (they want their dad back 25% of my personality) and my wife says she has nothing to live for anymore. I love them deeply,i won't leave them unless they want me too. Now my wife asks whether i will want a man instead of her. (I class myself as BI female btw) I still want her and love her and could love her sexually, except she doesn't want to love me in sexually. As to men ...yes i would love one , but since i am already married and i a realtionship.... can't see that future...she guesses i want a man.... Any comments/questions welcome

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  • Root Admin

Hello Andrea,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Yes, what you had to say is very familiar to most if not all of us. Despite what we have lost, we must keep going. What's done is done. There is no turning back. All we can do is play the hand that was dealt to us and hope for the best. Believe it or not, sometimes we come out a winner.

MaryEllen :)

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