Need Help Identifying Myself

[Guest GIUnknown]

I'm an 18 year old male in desperate need of help identifying myself. I know that the only way to know where I belong for sure is to see a therapist, but I just want to know if I am a guy or a girl. I've been trying to find the answer my entire life, and have gotten no where.

Looking back at my early childhood, I realize that I was different... even though I didn't know it at the time. I was too young to understand that boys weren't supposed to play with dolls or have pink as their favorite color. My parents weren't concerned at that at all because I also loved playing with the little plastic army men, and action figures. I eventually did stop playing with dolls, and I got a new favorite color blue. Although pink is my second favorite color even to this day.

I can remember the first time I felt lipstick on my lips when I was about 7 or so. My sister and her best friend were hanging out in her room when I was leaving my room. They called me over and asked me if I wanted to play with them. I said yeah, and then the next thing I know they were putting lipstick on me. It turns out that they wanted to play dress up with me. Naturally I got up in a hurry, not understanding what just happened, and went to the bathroom to wash it off. Some days later, I started thinking about that lipstick, and I think I actually liked it. But then I remembered that I was a boy and I wasn't supposed to like such things, so I put it at the back of my mind.

Later on in my life, that memory came back in to my head in to my head and it started a spark in me. It made me want to try it again, so I snuck into my sister's room and found her make up kit. I put the lipstick on and I loved the feeling. After feeling satisfied, I wiped it off and went back to playing with my plastic army men and action figures. That wasn't the only time that happened. That same spark would always come back after a few months, and each time it would grow a little bit. Each time it came back, I would always try something new, put on some other kind of make up, try on some women's clothes, or even try and act like a girl. That spark never went away permanently. The spark is so strong now that every time it comes up, it starts a small flame, but the wind keeps on blowing the flame out.

What is causing me such great confusion is in between my spark periods, I am a guy. The thought of wanting to be a girl never crosses my mind. I love watching action movies and playing video games with a lot of action. I mainly love the strategy required to play many of the games that I play, I love the feeling of out smarting my enemy. Also my skills are guy skills. I am excelent in math and science, I even chose computer science as my college major. However, my reading and writing skills are lacking (I know I'm just stereotyping now). I definitely don't have a guy's personality when being social. I have actually been asked many times if I was gay because of how I act around other people. Just for the record, I'm not gay, I just like acting how I want to act.

As you can see, I have a lot of reasons for feeling like I'm in the wrong body; but for every reason I have at least one counter reason as to why I am in the right body. I've gone through it in my head more times than I can count, and I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea who I am. I have been waiting to get through adolescence to ask for help, wandering if it is just all a very long phase that I haven't grown out of yet. But I can not wait any more, I just needed to tell someone and hear what they think. It was either this or kill myself over trying to find out if this is just a phase.

[Guest Evan_J]

I'm an 18 year old male in desperate need of help identifying myself. I know that the only way to know where I belong for sure is to see a therapist, but I just want to know if I am a guy or a girl. I've been trying to find the answer my entire life, and have gotten no where.

Looking back at my early childhood, I realize that I was different... even though I didn't know it at the time. I was too young to understand that boys weren't supposed to play with dolls or have pink as their favorite color. My parents weren't concerned at that at all because I also loved playing with the little plastic army men, and action figures. I eventually did stop playing with dolls, and I got a new favorite color blue. Although pink is my second favorite color even to this day.

I can remember the first time I felt lipstick on my lips when I was about 7 or so. My sister and her best friend were hanging out in her room when I was leaving my room. They called me over and asked me if I wanted to play with them. I said yeah, and then the next thing I know they were putting lipstick on me. It turns out that they wanted to play dress up with me. Naturally I got up in a hurry, not understanding what just happened, and went to the bathroom to wash it off. Some days later, I started thinking about that lipstick, and I think I actually liked it. But then I remembered that I was a boy and I wasn't supposed to like such things, so I put it at the back of my mind.

Later on in my life, that memory came back in to my head in to my head and it started a spark in me. It made me want to try it again, so I snuck into my sister's room and found her make up kit. I put the lipstick on and I loved the feeling. After feeling satisfied, I wiped it off and went back to playing with my plastic army men and action figures. That wasn't the only time that happened. That same spark would always come back after a few months, and each time it would grow a little bit. Each time it came back, I would always try something new, put on some other kind of make up, try on some women's clothes, or even try and act like a girl. That spark never went away permanently. The spark is so strong now that every time it comes up, it starts a small flame, but the wind keeps on blowing the flame out.

What is causing me such great confusion is in between my spark periods, I am a guy. The thought of wanting to be a girl never crosses my mind. I love watching action movies and playing video games with a lot of action. I mainly love the strategy required to play many of the games that I play, I love the feeling of out smarting my enemy. Also my skills are guy skills. I am excelent in math and science, I even chose computer science as my college major. However, my reading and writing skills are lacking (I know I'm just stereotyping now). I definitely don't have a guy's personality when being social. I have actually been asked many times if I was gay because of how I act around other people. Just for the record, I'm not gay, I just like acting how I want to act.

As you can see, I have a lot of reasons for feeling like I'm in the wrong body; but for every reason I have at least one counter reason as to why I am in the right body. I've gone through it in my head more times than I can count, and I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea who I am. I have been waiting to get through adolescence to ask for help, wandering if it is just all a very long phase that I haven't grown out of yet. But I can not wait any more, I just needed to tell someone and hear what they think. It was either this or kill myself over trying to find out if this is just a phase.

Never take a permanent course of action in the face of a temporary situation (to paraphrase Laura). If indeed you discern at some point that you are not trans , suicide will have been the throwing away of a life. If indeed you find you ARE trans then transitioning or doing whatever will make it livable will make suicide be nothing but the throwing away of a life. Either way suicide is a lousey option.

What WAS a good option , (and kudos to you for realizing it) is walkin in here and sharing where you're at so that peeps who've felt those feelings and made it through can help you tie a knot on the end of that rope you keep eyeballin and help you keep hangin around.

Everybody's in this together (you know, in that "cosmic" , new agey type sense ) so you're necessary.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearheart

OK, OK, let's slow it down... OK?

Just so that you know, many women are in the computer sciences and engineering. I have advanced degrees in computer engineering and I am in a very high level position in my field. The stereotype that women are not interested in engineering is just that... a stereotype. Many women are in the engineering field.

I know that you are confused hon, and that is OK

To help you get some idea of your gender identity, I suggest that you take some gender identity tests that are available online. Although these tests are not definitive, they do help in giving you an idea of where you see yourself. Indeed, seeing a therapist is the most appropriate way to help you sort out everything.

To begin, I suggest that you take the COGIATI test.

http://www.transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html

http://www.lauras-playground.com/cogiati_gender_test.htm

I included Laura's link to the COGIATI too because the descriptions of what your options are are more complete

I hope this helps hon

Love

Brenda

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

hey i'm in a similar position just reversed, a female unsure if i should be a male or not.

i've cometo the conclusion that i'm just not going to worry so hard for now, i'm just going to roll with the waves. some days i feel like such a girl, other days i wonder why on earth i've been put in this body. and other days i'm happy to mix up both male and female characteristics.

i know you do want answers, you will get them once you've searched yourself long and hard, which is what i'm busy doing. just be yourself, yes cliched phrase but it is absolutely true.

an issue i have are all these ridiculous stereotypes. my mom was an excellent IT technician and my uncle is an amazing fashion designer. i don't think these things define if you're male or female. in fact what i've personally felt comforting is just ban all labels. i don't believe you only get male/female. there is such a broad spectrum in between. but i know how much you just wish you had a straight answer.

embrace what you want to be and what you feel, go out wearing make up if it makes you happy, ignore any one that finds it weird. i find that people often change, so just do what you enjoy, what ever that may be from day to day. and do talk to a therapist, they will help a lot. i'm also new here but i hope i helped, all you awesome regulars please correct me on anything i've said.

best of luck!

[Guest Yinyang Mist]

Forgive me if I have misread something in your thoughts. These feelings are totally normal 'imo' exactly how I felt a lot. I like to think that some of us are special in that we can feel the balance of yin and yang as in this case "hard and soft" inside of us just a little more so than others. I have chosen to become in tune with this balance and it has made me a better person all the way around, better at a lot of things in my life becoming actually more stable with self acceptance. Many of my friends do not know certain things about my life but I am still much happier with this self acceptance.

The freedom of being older can help to some degree, where further exploration can continue away from childhood confines. I agree not to rush thing, roll with it and keep testing the water 'imo' to learn more about your feelings. Just don’t be afraid of them, that’s what makes them so difficult to deal with, the ideological fear placed in some of us by others around us. Not a problem, put on something nice and relax : ) For me this was the anxiety wrap I always dreamed of : ) You can decide where to go now but take it slow and stay comfortable : P

[Guest GIUnknown]

Thank you all for the feedback. And don't worry about that last part. I probably won't ever kill myself, no matter how much I want to some times, because I'm too afraid to. I think for now, I'll wait some more, see what happens. I become a college student in less than half a year away and start a new life out of this hell hole (please pardon my language). It will be easier for me to find more answers then. And I apologize for the stereotypes, it's just that where I'm from, they're mostly true.