How Can I Stop Fighting?

[Guest Flistan]

I'm really sorry if this is long... I just really need help with this and I can't take this anymore.

I'm currently secluded in my room at the moment, which I never EVER retreat to under any circumstances (unless Dad comes over, but that's a different story and actually more light-hearted than you think), but I've pretty much given up on everything.

First, I want to introduce you to my sister. She's in her 3rd year of college struggling with grades due to her terrible knees. She had surgery on them a couple of years ago and it's hard to believe that they were so bad and they have yet to see as much improvement as I thought there would be. She is nearly on the brink of getting kicked out, but she is stubborn and has a strong sense of pride. Not only does she want to pursue a double major in a field that is probably more linked to our connection to our grandfather who is no longer with us than her own best interest (not to mention it's one of the most difficult ones if not the most difficult to obtain at this college), but she will never even think of switching. Her feelings about this, I'm sure, are so sensitive Mom and I dare not even bring up the idea of it.

She is on several kinds of medication including one for her electrical brain storm headache thingies... which makes her seem a little bit irritable. In general, however, she is highly stubborn and sensitive to her feelings.

Until about a year ago, she has felt the need to be "strong" throughout our life for her, my mom and I for everything we have been through- deaths, mental abuse, and all of the stresses in between like moving. Some time last year, she literally broke saying that she never got to express her feelings and that no one listens to her. I personally believe that from the severe abuse from my father and everyone else around her, including ALL of her friends abandoning her when they seemed as close as it could get, and other experiences that she had the choice to contain them. I felt the same way too, except I was less able to control them since I am very bipolar. She is too, but the degrees are different (in terms of how our personalities work and the swings we may get- I'm more of a manic-depressive and she can get a little aggressive more so than manic at times).

With her currently closest friend ever not talking to her, all of the stress of her personality comes down on me. As a kid, she used to boss me around like you would NOT believe. Now she's more of an obsessive-compulsive, paranoid mother. When she thinks I'm in the way of someone by the slightest bit or say something that might stereotypically apply to someone around us, she either grabs me by the collar and drags me away like I'm 7, makes extremely rude gestures at me, or something of that nature. She really treats me like I'm a lot stupider than I am. For some reason though, I only feel like I do certain things like that around her, and I don't even do them- it's just things she's highly sensitive to. idk it's hard to explain.

Anyways, since a year ago, she has become HIGHLY sensitive to EVERYTHING. If you look at her in the eyes for a quarter of a second longer, then it's an insult because she'll think you're expecting her to do something. Living with her when she comes home is like living like a Geisha. If I step one step too many during the tea ceremony, the whole thing is tainted or ends in calamity.

Here's sort of an "illustration" of how our arguments go. I'm a little 7-year-old boy that fell off of his skateboard and broke his little finger. She's an elderly woman in a wheelchair. I cry, "I broke my finger and it hurts so bad... I don't know what to do about it. I'll never draw again!"

Instead of saying, "oh, it's alright, you'll be able to draw for sure!" or "don't worry, help is on the way" or even in a more mature matter "aahhh, you're okay, let me help you with that"... she would slightly roll her eyes, begin with a slightly scoffing cough-like laugh, and say "hey, at least you can walk. You know how many years I've had kemo? I can't remember the last time I had hair! Break a finger? I've done that 300 times! Your finger will be fine..."

I try and rebuttal... I mean, I don't want to complain, whine, or make it feel like I'm worse off, which I most certainly am not. I just... idk I'd wish she'd be a "sister" to me like she should be.

From there, she says that no one listens to her and I can't say anything because it hurts her feelings. I can understand why she feels the first way, because in a lot of cases, people don't listen to her. People don't listen to me at all, but when it comes to her, people say "yeah" and forget what she just said. I even do it- it's sort of a curse. Honestly I'm not sure what's worse, not having people listen to you, forget that they were even talking to you in mid-sentence, continually interrupting you, or flat out ignoring you OR talking to everyone you trust over and over about the same thing and they never remember what they told you the first 6 times.

Both are pretty bad.

Today it was about the stresses of school. For the first time ever, I almost failed a class for the quarter. I've never even gotten a "D" before this. (Although our state runs on a 7-point-scale...) I WAS the top 4% of my class. I didn't want to tell her because I either thought it would end like this and/or she'd become OCD-anal-mom and punish me like my real/normal mother should in a strict household. But after I said I was tired and stressed and whatnot she said "yeah right" or something like that. For someone who's been in the same place as me for a long time, it doesn't seem like much, but it's really devastating to me, especially when it's in the most important subject to me- AP Art. It was a hard year for everyone due to circumstances, but I'm not only worried about the semester grade, my ending GPA that the college I have been accepted to will see (which apparently only matters if you fail every class not just one), but also my AP Exam, the overall rating on whether or not I deserve credit. To me, I take it personally, like "am I an artist" or "do I deserve to go to college for this" and whatnot. It's not going to change my path ever, but it can always damage my motivation and self-esteem. Other than that, me getting a D/nearly an F is just... embarrassing, terrifying, bad if my dad found out (a WHOLE different spectrum of problems there even though I don't even see him anymore- just my mom will end up with a lot of flack she doesn't deserve from him and the family)...

I'm actually surprised she got to txt me and bring me food. She talked to me really calmly- like she hadn't cried in a while. She said she couldn't look at me (and I felt the same way- and could only speak because she had first- I'm a mimic person like that), but she left all of this food outside of the door, wonderful snacks. She's never really done anything like this before. I'm not sure if it was an extreme apology (although she's one to say it in person) and she's really really sorry (which I'd be really surprised if she were because this happens all of the time) or not. I don't know if she's giving me all of these good snacks because we had a fight on the way to go out somewhere. I'm not sure if she's giving me these things solely to be hungry for a late dinner (but in that case she'd either accept me not wanting them or throw me a box of crackers).

I don't want to just say "I'm sorry" because I know this will only happen again and again and again. I'll say it for sure, but she doesn't like her apology's with "buts" or add-ons. Without my true feelings, I just want to get things done no matter how much she hates me or not.

I just want to come out in the open and say "you have to much pride, and it(whatever I said) wouldn't hurt your feelings if it weren't the truth. Stop sitting there forcing fake sympathy when you can do something about it forever."

Harsh I know, but those are always my feelings...

Everyone here is right by the way- we women are too complicated, but she's by far one of the hardest bombs to cut wires for.

I really need some advice if at all possible. I really hate the burden of long and personal posts (even though I do them a lot, don't I? >< I lower my self-esteem every minute I do this) but this is something I really need.

Veronica's the only one in my family that undeniably accepts me for who I am here...

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Veronica is your sister - right?

Well - love-hate relationship sorta! Lotta that going around it seems! It is just a thing that will have to work itself out! My opinion!

You both need to get out of the house permanently - which will eventually happen.

Just hang in there! Stupid advice maybe - but that's all I can think of!

And you long posts are perfectly fine! Be proud you know enough to share things with others, so the burden is lessened a little bit. That is mainly why you are here - to share those terribly difficult times in your life. We understand that - and yes- you will also later be doing the same of anyone of us - helping us. We are a sister and brotherhood!

Maybe someone else has a good idea or two for you for you. That's the magic of this place - different takes on the same situation! I do see you and your sister both have had a terribly difficult time with your lives... why isn't it easier? DONNO - we just seem to be destinied - some of us - to be tested to the max.

I doooooo hope this helps just a touch! Keep us posted on what happens - verrrrry interesting situation! You are SURE your sister isn't on hormones? YIKES

Lizzy

[Guest Flistan]

Thanks a bunch Lizzy...

Lol didn't mean to say her name. >< But whatever. Yeah she won't find out- she's one to be uber-internet safe but this is the safest place on the internet...

Seems like things are going better now- especially since Dad's coming over and we sort of innately have to in that situation, lolz. We're gonna flee for a while so bbl! ^.^

This place is awesome. ^.^

Funny thing though- she won't talk about her being transgender even if I poke at it. She never even admitted it, but it may be true (like me- an androgyne) or she is just really masculine like that. She's got her OWN hormones... lolz.

She's just tough- had tough experiences so grew up tough. I was too girly and got cut out on the T in genetics... XP

[Guest p3ngu!n]

tl:dr

[Guest KellyKat]

Hi Shift

Sounds like you are both smart, tough, and both have tremendous weight on your shoulders. I don't see any loss of love with you and your sister. Just like you are both at odds with the world and bounce that off each other - as their may be no better release for you or her. Does she act condescending of you normally or is it caused from health, school, fears, ....? And it does seem like she cares with the snack tray. But somewhere it seems that you two have forgotten how to communicate directly.

To use your analogy of the broken finger response.... Maybe the next time you have broken finger (issue) and receive scorn or belittlement. Ask her why she is treating you this way, she is your sister and you still love her. But why aren't your hurts valid. You might know the answer but let her say. I don't say this to be mean. It just seems that you both have a lot bottled up that needs a relief. If you can get her to open up then you can open up to her.

That's my read on things that you wrote. I hope I may have helped and didn't offend.

Luv Kat

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Shift - you'll both make it. I think you know that! Just agree to love on each other once in a while! The rest of the world won't do that! But you two can!

Lizzy