Do I Go Or Do I Stay?

[Guest daphene]

Well, I will try to keep this short but it is a complex decision for me. I have a crappy job that I drive 3 hours a day to go to. I do this 4 days a week and work 4 10 hour days so I am gone 13 hours a day minimum from our home. I have enough money in the bank for my family to live as we are for a year or so with out me working at all so money will not be an issue with my decision. I have varying degrees of gender dysphoria, some days worse than others. I am still trying to figure out what makes me happy. My wife is ok with what ever I decide, however I think she varys day to day with her desire for me to leave depending on how much she thinks about my issues of GID. Now that you got the picture I will tell you that I am thinking I am going to quit my job in early June and go to the Tampa Bay area of Florida to live in my RV for a while as Daphene full time. I probably will not work for a few months to see if this is really for me or is it something that I can not obtain. If I like being Daphene and choose to live that way, I most certainly will loose my wife and marriage but I will be my true self. If I go down there and decide I need my wife more, then of course I forget about Daphene and my wife either joins me in Florida or I come back home to Georgia. I will at that point try to get a job and where ever I find a job is where we both will live together. My wife says she is willing to wait for me to figure out what I will be happy with. I really want to do this but deep down I am unsure of my survival without my wife. I know I am female in my brain and the thought of being Daphene full time brings me great joy. I just don't think I can loose my wife. My ultimate goal right now would be to be Daphene to some degree all the time and still have my wife with me. I guess to have her accept me for who I am. So here is the question I am faced with, if I want to achieve my ultimate goal, do I stay with her and stay in my crappy job and keep letting her try to get used to Daphene while we sleep in separate rooms and have no sex life now or should I go to Florida and see if this works for me and hope that she will accept me and join me sometime in the future? Its a big decision for me because I am scared of what the outcome will be either way.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Donna Jean]

wow!

Big decision, Hon!

Well, I live in a two/separate bedroom enviorment situation, too....

And, I'm working towards full time..(Almost there....)

But, my wife also swings each way, depending on the day.....

This is a tough call, Daphene, and I don't want to give you an opinion in either direction...it's obvious that you desire two things and that they are not compatable!

I hope that you have the strength and heart do do what you feel you need to do....

Just remember that on this journey there are many things that we have to lose...

But, many can find a comfort level that allows a relationship to work....

I hope that you find what you need...

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest daphene]

Donna Jean, I want to find that middle ground or compromise but unlike your wife, mine will not accept any changes in appearance on me. She seems to not want anything but the former male side of me. I was only thinking of leaving for a while so I could experience the female side more openly. My wife gets angry when she sees my painted toenails. She would freak if she saw me fully in female mode. If she could just be ok with little things I probably would be ok, but as it stands se accepts only the idea that I am transgender as long as I present as male. As you know, we can not be happy presenting as male 100 percent of the time. So I dont really know what is best, I just want to see how the other side lives day to day.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Carolyn Marie]

Daphene, my heart goes out to you. You face a really difficult struggle and I know how hard it can be.

One thing is for certain, your feelings of being transgendered will never go away, not permanently.

You can try to submerge them, and sometimes you can do it for a long time. I did for 20 years. But

during that time you will likely not be happy, and your relations with your wife may suffer, either out of

frustration on your part, or because you and your wife may not have good sexual relations, or because

your wife will know that you are just pretending to be male.

It is a heart rending decision to make. When I came out to my wife, I was fully prepared for the possibility

that it would end my marriage. It hasn't, and things are shaky but OK for now. But as my physical changes

manifest themselves, it could still end badly. I am emotionally prepared for that possibility, as you must be

as well.

You need to ask yourself if you are really ready for the RLE. It is a big step, especially if you are not on

HRT yet. If you won't be working, and interacting with family and friends and co-workers, and you will be

in a different town, how real will your RLE be?

Please PM me if you would like to discuss in more detail. I wish you well.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

Donna Jean, I want to find that middle ground or compromise but unlike your wife, mine will not accept any changes in appearance on me. She seems to not want anything but the former male side of me. I was only thinking of leaving for a while so I could experience the female side more openly. My wife gets angry when she sees my painted toenails. She would freak if she saw me fully in female mode. If she could just be ok with little things I probably would be ok, but as it stands se accepts only the idea that I am transgender as long as I present as male. As you know, we can not be happy presenting as male 100 percent of the time. So I dont really know what is best, I just want to see how the other side lives day to day.

Hugs,

Daphene

Honey....I understand.....

There are different levels of acceptance from our S/O and there many things that make a difference...

I know that a large part of me and my S/o being together right now is financial...Outside of that we're friends...Sad, but true...

I know where you are coming from...

One just can't say "I'm Gender Dysphoric" and live their life as if nothing has changed...

Best to you, Dear!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You touch so many bases here! Both Dee Jay and Carolyne fight that 'great battle' with different results. I too have most of that - having a grudgingly acceptive wife. I have a lot to say on all this but not in public. PM me if you will?

Lizzy

[Guest ricka]

Daphene my heart goes out to you during this difficult time in your life. I know it is an extremely difficult course with no perfect choices.

I posted this on another thread but I will post it again because it is a concept that has helped me so much---learning to accept reality, or learning to accept life on life's terms. That meant learning to accept that i am in fact a woman born in a male body. I did not choose this. None of us get to choose reality. We either accept it or not and if we don't we must bare the pain of non-acceptance. When I came to fully accept my womanhood then I found peace within my self. But my ex never could---or would---it's more a matter of willingness to accept or willfulness not to accept reality. What she did do was give me my freedom by choosing to leave. That was a precious gift, giving me my freedom that I will always be grateful for. And while I might have chosen her acceptance had it been offered, that was never my choice. Instead I chose to be grateful for another gift that looking back was the greater,more loving gift though I didn't know it at the time.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest daphene]

Ricka,

Sounds like I am traveling down the same path you traveled. My wife has offered me my freedom so that I may pursue my true gender, but I keep refusing to accept that freedom. When I sit and think about it, I guess I am somewhat scared of what life would be like without her. My life at home now is pretty miserable because of her constant criticism and hatred towards me. Some days we dont even speak to each other. I keep hoping she will accept me but I am slowing accepting the idea that she never will. That is where I am stuck for now. I know we must go our separate ways in order for me to become Daphene on the exterior rather than interior only. I just havenlt quite got to the point where I can say good bye to her. I love her even though she makes me miserable now. Sounds strange I know. Thanks for sharing your post with me. I surely can relate.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Donna Jean]

Daphene.......

I know that it's really hard...and that you still care and love....

But, now that there is so much criticism and hatred, I doubt that it's going to be slavadgeable...

It's gotten to a point where you'll not be able to explore yourself at all where you are....

I hope that you can make something work, Hon....one way or another...

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest daphene]

Thanks Donna Jean. I will make something work so that Daphene can live and enjoy. That I am sure off. I guess time will tell when and where. Kinda looking forward to what the future holds for me and at the same time its scary but I will get there. Thanks for your support.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest Girl Emily]

Daphne,

You are both in my prayers. Donna Jean is right unfortunately. Once the four horseman enter a relationship it is nearly impossible to recover.

The first horseman is Criticism, differs from complainong in focusing on the individual not the behavior. The second horseman is Contempt, it inclides but is not limited to name calling, hostility, and sarcasm. The third horseman is defensiveness, under the assault of criticism and contempt it is natural to respond defensivly. The fourth horseman is stonewalling, one of the parties just shuts down and refuses to communicate.

Daphne, I know that you love your wife and I say this with great pain from my own broken marriage. Aggree to leave and end the deteriorating of your relationship. You may be able to salvage a good friendship out of everything. If you stay you may end up only with pain and bitterness.

Huggs,

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Daphne,

You are both in my prayers. Donna Jean is right unfortunately. Once the four horseman enter a relationship it is nearly impossible to recover.

The first horseman is Criticism, differs from complainong in focusing on the individual not the behavior. The second horseman is Contempt, it inclides but is not limited to name calling, hostility, and sarcasm. The third horseman is defensiveness, under the assault of criticism and contempt it is natural to respond defensivly. The fourth horseman is stonewalling, one of the parties just shuts down and refuses to communicate.

Daphne, I know that you love your wife and I say this with great pain from my own broken marriage. Aggree to leave and end the deteriorating of your relationship. You may be able to salvage a good friendship out of everything. If you stay you may end up only with pain and bitterness.

Huggs,

Daphene

I wanted to PM you on this - but now it's kinda useless. Last night my wife and I pretty much decided we could not stay together, after tryin so hard for about a year and a half. I wanted to give you some encouragement - but unfortumnately I cannot now. We do what we have to do to be what we are - it is extremely costly! Pehaps it will work out better for you.

Lizzy

[Guest Yinyang Mist]

SO much good advice so far, just want to offer a hug

[Guest daphene]

Thanks for all of the good support I got here. Life is pretty tough sometimes. Yinyang, thanks for the hug, everyone needs a hug from time to time.

Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest ricka]

Daphene---Sweetie, I so understand how you feel and the torment you are going through right now. I did love my wife and at the same time I knew that i was a heterosexual woman. I was committed to my marriage to the point that I was ready to sacrifice all that I was to stay married, and I can remember feeling terrified at the prospect of her leaving me. She did leave---without warning on my birthday. The gift she gave me was not without cost----emotional and financial but being given my freedom to be myself far outweighed what it cost me. Today, I am sitting here in my own home feeling fully a woman, happy with my life and with myself as a woman. My wife and I did not remain friends. I went to her therapist who told me not to expect her to be able to be friends because she was filled with so much rage----rage that very nearly destroyed me. The more she raged the more I felt suicidal and yet I still could not bring myself to leave her.

hugs, Ricka