So Confused

[Guest Slim]

I have been a "tomboy" since childhood, always running with the boys and struggling to identify with other girls. During puberty, I felt as if I'd been placed in the wrong body. My homophobic family did everything in their power to shame and beat my boyishness out of me since my elementary years, however as the years progressed, I only became more and more boyish in appearance and manner. I felt like a freak of nature, a horrible mistake. I was convinced that I would never be loved for being the way that I am and started to think that maybe I was meant to be a boy. Time after time, I would dress in a feminine manner for a short period of time, then feel miserable and fake and then I'd "relapse" into male clothing again. It just felt more natural. For Halloween, I found a wig, pinned my hair up beneath it and cut it boyishly short. I secretly wore it to school with boys clothes and a tight sports bra to hide my chest so I could see what it would be like. I liked the way I looked. Part of me thinks that I'm just being silly, how could I NOT be a girl and the other part wants to investigate things further and be a boy. Last summer, I experimented with a new look. I don't know how my grandmother would react to the term "transgender", but she's aware of my lifelong conflict and is willing to let me look however I like, so she took me shopping and I bought boy's clothes and braided my hair into cornrows and hit the gym. I liked the way I looked and felt in those clothes and the way my body toned up. Now I'm back home and I'm afraid to find out if I'm transgendered because I have nowhere to turn and I think I'm just in denial. That, and I don't know what to do. Now that I may be considered part of the GLBTQ spectrum and am in a homophobic environment, I'm suddenly afraid and ashamed and guilty about being this way. Please help.

-Slim

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Slim,

You now understand that you are transgendered. This is nothing to be ashamed of...ever. I completely understand how you are feeling now because I too went through years and years of feeling guilty and ashamed.

This may not resonate with you right now but I am going to say this to you anyway....

No one else defines you. You know who you are. It is going to take time for you to be able to get your family to understand and accept you. Be prepared for that. Regardless of how much time it takes, never back down and deny who you are.

I am glad to hear that your grandmother does truely understand (even if she did not articulate that explicitly). Her actions spoke louder than words.

When conditions are right for you I encourage you to seek a gender therapist to help you to sort out all of what you are experiencing. To help your family to understand you. To help you concretely in your journey.

I am sorry to have missed your introduction so I want to take this moment to say Welcome to Laura's

Love

Brenda

[Guest Michele H]

No matter where you fit on the spectrum, no matter how confused you may be, this is a guilt free zone. You will find many loving and caring people here who are willing to listen to you and provide support. The one suggestion I have is to find a therapist trained in gender issues who can help you explore and understand who you are. Moving forward is hard but it can also be exhilerating. When it's hard, we are here to walk with you and when good things come your way we will celebrate with you. Welcome to the family

[Guest Slim]

Dearest Slim,

You now understand that you are transgendered. This is nothing to be ashamed of...ever. I completely understand how you are feeling now because I too went through years and years of feeling guilty and ashamed.

This may not resonate with you right now but I am going to say this to you anyway....

No one else defines you. You know who you are. It is going to take time for you to be able to get your family to understand and accept you. Be prepared for that. Regardless of how much time it takes, never back down and deny who you are.

I am glad to hear that your grandmother does truely understand (even if she did not articulate that explicitly). Her actions spoke louder than words.

When conditions are right for you I encourage you to seek a gender therapist to help you to sort out all of what you are experiencing. To help your family to understand you. To help you concretely in your journey.

I am sorry to have missed your introduction so I want to take this moment to say Welcome to Laura's

Love

Brenda

Thank you so much. Its a weird mix of OMG and relief washing over me right now. I'm glad to know that I'm not just imagining things. That I'm not crazy. It means so much.