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Guest Emily H

Im a girl. Im supposed to have a girl body and a girl life.

But I don't and I never will.

I won't transition. I won't even dress full time.

I love Ashley, my friends, my family, all too much to even try. They, all love the figurehead Steven too much.

Im certain its all Emily. I ma beyond excited to go to my therapist's every two weeks, it doesn't come fast enough. I never, ever want it to end. I nearly cried when i had to go last session.

but its not going to happen. We all, choose our own goals in life. Mine, never included transitioning. It would destroy all other bridges.

I can't. I don't have the strength to navigate that sea. Even if I did, I think to much about how I will affect other people and how they will miss me.

I take no happiness in being male and having a penis yet I get the strongest desire and largest feeling of emotional and physical ecstasy when dreaming of a vagina. I want to obliterate the memory of boxers and have nothing but panties. I want to feel comfort when taking off my bra instead of putting it on. I want a taller woman, or a woman, maybe a bit heavier, fatter than me, to hold onto me and treat me like a woman, hers, all hers, and decide when we make love and take complete control of me and make love with extreme passion and desire to me. I want to play with my hair and twirl in my skirt every day when i walk to work, i want to sit and cross my legs so close together...

But I don't think i wil lever have it. I don't have the strength to go to that goal.

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Guest ~Brenda~

Emily hon :)

To be yourself does not necessarily mean formal transitioning. To be yourself means simply that... be happy with who you are :)

There are no reasons to make excuses to justify yourself to us or to yourself.

Your comfort level is what is so important :)

Make all your decisions deliberately and for the right reasons.

Who you are comes first. Others will follow (trust me on this ;) )

Love

Brenda

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Guest ChloëC

Emily,

You shouldn't ever say never. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on us and putting us in positions where we wind up doing that 'never' thing.

I look at several of the women here like Angie, or Carolyn Marie, or Donna Jean to name just a few, and maybe they thought never at one time, but they are now doing and being what they have know they were for so long.

Yet, I look at myself just several days shy of 63 and I say, it probably won't be. And as Brenda said, I may not be totally happy with myself, but I've accepted it. It would have been great at 20 to be able to make the change but for a lot of us, it wasn't going to happen, at that time! For others, it's in their 20's or 30's. And maybe they thought in their teens it would never happen.

You still have so much of your life to live, and so many surprises, heartbreaks, and happier moments to go that you can just barely imagine.

I remember in my teens and that was such a difficult time, I'm always a little surprised we survive it, but we do.

I can't tell you what you should do, only you can make your choices, but I will offer a suggestion. Focus on the other parts of your life that you can control, the other parts aside from gender. Make them the best you can. And know that you'll always have your desires and dreams, I certainly still have mine. It may not happen for you in the next six months, but a year from now? That seems like a long way away, but it's amazing how fast it does come.

There may come a day when you wake up and say, this is the day. The day for me. And maybe waiting wasn't that bad, because I know I am so much more ready for that next great part of my life.

Hugs

Chloë

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Guest Donna Jean

Emily.......

I've really cared about you since you've been here....you are special to me...

I want you to remember....Never close the doors on anything...never finalize in your mind what is going to happen...

You have a long way to go, Dearheart....a long way....

Realize all of the dreams that you can grab onto....

I waited until I was 58 to start this journey...never thought I'd be able to do it...and now here I am....

Leave everything open, Girlfiend....everything!

LOVE

Donna Jean

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest Karen Marie Harris

Emily

From your picture, you look fairly young and are a VERY PRETTY GIRL.

Seems to me that you have a life time left to live and there are going to

be a million things happening so please don't get your mind set now on

what you are/are not going to do. I'm 67 years YOUNG and I still

haven't made up my mind. LOL There's still so many options. hahahaha

Hugs

Karen Marie

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Guest jaymie

Emily,

I'm not going to say I know how you feel, because you never know exactly how a person feels, but I can sure empathize with you. I feel like I can't transition as much as I want/need to, I look in a mirror and see what I see, and know it isn't right...yet somehow I can't change it, not now and I fear not ever. Continue with therapy and enjoy the times when you can express yourself as the real you, not what your physical appearance says you are.

Hugs

Jaymie

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Guest ricka

Emily--none of us have the strength or courage to transition and besides it is way too hard. But all of us find within ourselves the strength to take one step, even a small step. And we all have each other to encourage us along the way as we take those steps, one at a time. And over time, well looking back it was only ever about taking one step, and then another, and another.....

Hugs, Ricka

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  • Admin

Emily, when I came here a year ago I saw myself as a timid cross dresser, and nothing more.

Over time, I began to question that self image, and wonder if there was more to me, more within me, than that. Like you, I sought therapy.

Like you, I sought the wisdom and experience of those here who have become my role models and my inspiration.

Eventually, I found comfort in discovering who Carolyn was, and could be. I knew that is who I was meant to be, and was willing, am willing,

to do what it takes to be that person who only existed in my mind's eye for so long. Now I am seeing her every day in the mirror, and I like

who I see. For maybe the first time in my life, I like who I am.

Its hard, it really is. But for me its worth the pain, the guilt, the potential loss, everything.

With your therapist, you need to discover not only who you are, but whether you are willing to also do what is required to attain that person.

Only you will know if you are. Only you can weigh the costs and the benefits and decide.

I don't know what answer you will find, but I pray that it is the answer that will bring you happiness.

Carolyn Maire

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Guest Elizabeth K
Emily.......

I've really cared about you since you've been here....you are special to me...

I want you to remember....Never close the doors on anything...never finalize in your mind what is going to happen...

You have a long way to go, Dearheart....a long way....

Realize all of the dreams that you can grab onto....

I waited until I was 58 to start this journey...never thought I'd be able to do it...and now here I am....

Leave everything open, Girlfiend....everything!

LOVE

Donna Jean

Dee Jay is 100% on this - and yes, you can work toward a comfort zone.

BUT

NEVER beat yourself up! You were born this way - we all were! NOT YOUR FAULT!

NEVER NEVER NEVER get caught in the guilt thing.

And you will always have plenty of time to see what makes you happy - that's the bottom line - to be happy.

Jus an ole opinionated lady here... worked 61 years on all this... it's never been easy.

lizzy

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Guest Jean Davis

Dear Emily

If indeed you feel that this is not the time for you to start transitioning please do not start. There is many, many thoughts, emotions and decisions that we must come to terms with before we do something that is not reversable. If this is not the time, we do not in any way want to pressure you into doing something that you are not comfortable with.

But if you could please leave this door open just a little and leave a light on, just in case you find that the decisions that you make today are more difficult than the ones you face in the future so that you know that you have an option.

Please keep in touch with us as we are always here for you and know that you always have a family here with us regaurdless of your decisions.

LUV

Jean

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Guest Emily H

Thank you everybody for your wonderful input. It is all very encouraging and reassuring. And for now, I am going to try my best to be myself when I can and see where that goes.

Thank you all. I won't close any doors now.

Emily.

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Guest KellyKat

Hi Emily

You have been given some wonderful advice.

The only thing I would add is this.

I have spent a lifetime being as others perceived me.

Not as I truly felt. I made sure that I lived as others thought I should.

Didn't want to burn bridges myself. Now I'm finally at a time for me.

Bottom line - we can't change who we are on the inside.

Whether we keep it from others or not. The inner turmoil never truly leaves.

So remember to be yourself when you can and stay with therapy.

Even if you can find a degree of happiness treading water for others.

Never forget that you are in deep water - and someday you may have to swim to shore.

Luv Kat :)

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