Weird Sexuality Thing Going On

[Guest My_Genesis]

Due to being trans, I've never been in a relationship, or even dated anyone (unless you count hangin out with a guy who had in his mind we were dating while I just considered it hanging out, til he started begging to kiss me ), never kissed anyone, and needless to say never had sex with anyone. I am and have always have been too uncomfortable in my body to share any part of it with anyone else.

I am, as far as I know, a straight guy. At least, that's what I identify as. But I feel as though I need some kind of proof before I can know for sure. Like, how do I know for sure that I'm not into guys? And I know it's like, so what if I am. But I have this kinda what I like to call "self-homophobia" thing going on. Like I find the thought of me being into guys disgusting. Maybe that's b/c I'm not comfortable in my body, maybe that's b/c I'm not actually into guys so obviously the thought would be unappealing to me.

I keep replaying scenarios in my head, like "would I want to kiss [so-and-so guy]?" I keep trying to picture it b/c like I said, I feel like I need some sort of affirmation that I'm not into guys. yet I don't like to think about it. But for some reason, I keep thinking about it. Because I want to "make sure" I guess. And it's kind of making me insane. I don't want to think about these things.

There's a new term used for stuff like this, called "Homosexual OCD" or "H-OCD." I think that might be my problem. This is actually a real condition. Here's a link to some info about it

http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php

I fit the description so well. I just want it to stop. Hopefully as I transition and have more experiences with dating and such, it will go away over time. But I'm worried that maybe it won't and I'll have to go through extensive therapy or something to get rid of it.

I guess I'm asking for advice? Or has anyone experienced something similar?

btw I'm already on antidepressants (as the info in the link above mentions as treatment) for generalized anxiety and panic disorder (which I diagnosed myself with, b/c I get recurring panic attacks though my psychiatrist just classifies it as simply anxiety) these meds obviously don't seem to be helping with this particular issue.

[Guest ricka]

Genesis----You don't say how old you are. Sexual preference can be fluid and ambiguous for many cismales through their early twenties. If you think of a meter with heterosexual on one end and homosexual on the other the arrow can vascilate back and forth for some while it hardly ever moves for others. Gender orientation has nothing whatsoever to do with sexual preference by the way---anymore than it has to do with eye color. The main thing is to feel okay about yourself where ever you might find yourself on the sexual preference spectrum. There is absolutely nothing wrong with ambiguity. You do not have to choose sides here.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Blindheart]

i understand where you are coming from here. i too have never had a relationship with anyone ever because of how i have felt about myself. i have dreamed and fantasized about it many times being with both genders and i like the idea of both, but when i look outside of my head at the real world i cant seem to have the same kind of feeling for anyone. i have tried to ignore my gender issues and live like society wants me to be but nothing ever came of that life. the only conclusion i have come to about my sexuality is someday i will meet someone, male or female or someone in between, who it ends up being i do not know. But when i do i will know for sure they are the one for me and i only hope they will feel the same way about me. Some days i even think i have met her already. currently she is my best friend but i feel like there is much more there. i just don't know for sure since we have only met online and we live 800 miles apart.

i guess the best advise i have is just don't over think it. you'll just drive yourself crazy. just live your life and be happy and one day you'll meet someone right for you.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

OH MY - you are all over the place on this!

You are what you are and that is okay. Don't worry about labels anyway - not now - anyway, they don't apply very well to us gender dysphoric.

As my therapist says, 'love is between two people." So when it comes, no problem, whatever it is!

Just my opinion

Lizzy

[Guest Lynnx]

Like I find the thought of me being into guys disgusting.

Well there's the root of it right there. Till you get over this thought, you won't know for sure. SO dig deep, and find out why you think this. There is nothing disgusting by it 'cept what in you're own head.

Before i had sex, from my fantasies i knew that i was bi, so it was not a prob for me. If you're' very visual, what pics do you look at to have sex? I look at both. If you're straight you'll look at girl pics. Try looking at guys pics... the gay type, and see if you feel anything.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Before i had sex, from my fantasies i knew that i was bi, so it was not a prob for me. If you're' very visual, what pics do you look at to have sex? I look at both. If you're straight you'll look at girl pics. Try looking at guys pics... the gay type, and see if you feel anything.

I look at girl pics. I'll try looking at gay type ones though, thanks for the advice!

[Guest My_Genesis]

okay, my initial reaction to somewhat more g-rated gay pics (like kissing and stuff), is not disgust, but pretty much apathy. if you are referring to x-rated stuff... I haven't really tried looking at that cuz i've been afraid to as though it might traumatize me or something. I will try that though, sometime when my family goes to bed tonight. lmao.

[Guest Evan_J]

Personal opinion (I feel like that should be in capital red letters; no scientific basis at all....):

I think that you are "obsessing" about this because its your tendancy to "obsess" about a lot of things. Thats not a critique (regardless of how it sounds). Its a realization/observation after not just listening to you but also to Stranded, and myself, and several other peeps (I'd say esp ftms but maybe thats just who I note to myself). We tend to be "obsessivey" types overall and/or have ocd to some degree. We also tend to be "perfectionists"/ want to always be "positive/sure/absolute" about any number of things. And I will anecdotely (of course ) illustrate that by relating to this very topic.

When I was pretty well on T and had had the over-the-top sexual arousal side effect, I noted that I paid more than 2seconds notice to a couple of FtMs. Having read the thousand statements about people "changing their preferrences, I got all hysterical to myself wondering if that would or was happening to me. I decided I "needed to know for sure". (yes, this is where you start laughing.......) so I did look at a bunch of gay porn and such and even tried to "make " myself imagine being with a dude to see if it "did it" for me.

Needless to say, that answer is "No. I do not like guys. " ...not even pre-T ones. Why the over 2 second notation? Because I was on T dang-blast-it and right then even the cat had potential.

Final analysis/conclusion? If you are not into guys you won't suddenly be. There are/ may be some peeps who actually already had a repressed or suppressed interest that "suddenly" allow themselves to be. There may even be peeps who are so (either) homophobic or heterophobic (yep, peeps "determined" not to be straight) that they "switch themselves" to appease that . And there may even be hormonal affects, that heighten masculinity and femininity to the point that they "lend' themselves to sexual interaction with this or that sex. BUT, in the end, you are drawn/stimulated by/desire who you do because you just do.

And it will be very obvious.

In your personal case? I might think that if its not, its only because you are not letting yourself follow your interests (even in your imagination) and so "you don't know" how aroused you might find yourself by either .

[Guest My_Genesis]

Personal opinion (I feel like that should be in capital red letters; no scientific basis at all....):

I think that you are "obsessing" about this because its your tendancy to "obsess" about a lot of things. Thats not a critique (regardless of how it sounds). Its a realization/observation after not just listening to you but also to Stranded, and myself, and several other peeps (I'd say esp ftms but maybe thats just who I note to myself). We tend to be "obsessivey" types overall and/or have ocd to some degree. We also tend to be "perfectionists"/ want to always be "positive/sure/absolute" about any number of things. And I will anecdotely (of course ) illustrate that by relating to this very topic.

When I was pretty well on T and had had the over-the-top sexual arousal side effect, I noted that I paid more than 2seconds notice to a couple of FtMs. Having read the thousand statements about people "changing their preferrences, I got all hysterical to myself wondering if that would or was happening to me. I decided I "needed to know for sure". (yes, this is where you start laughing.......) so I did look at a bunch of gay porn and such and even tried to "make " myself imagine being with a dude to see if it "did it" for me.

Needless to say, that answer is "No. I do not like guys. " ...not even pre-T ones. Why the over 2 second notation? Because I was on T dang-blast-it and right then even the cat had potential.

Final analysis/conclusion? If you are not into guys you won't suddenly be. There are/ may be some peeps who actually already had a repressed or suppressed interest that "suddenly" allow themselves to be. There may even be peeps who are so (either) homophobic or heterophobic (yep, peeps "determined" not to be straight) that they "switch themselves" to appease that . And there may even be hormonal affects, that heighten masculinity and femininity to the point that they "lend' themselves to sexual interaction with this or that sex. BUT, in the end, you are drawn/stimulated by/desire who you do because you just do.

And it will be very obvious.

In your personal case? I might think that if its not, its only because you are not letting yourself follow your interests (even in your imagination) and so "you don't know" how aroused you might find yourself by either .

So I am not the only one who's obsessive. Good to know

I know your orientation doesn't just change, but how do I know I'm not repressing myself? I guess that's what I'm getting at. Like, maybe I'm repressing myself b/c I find the thought so repulsive.

I'm pretty sure it's obvious, I mean what I do think about/am interested in is obvious. But again, I guess it comes down to, am I repressing something that will rear its ugly head during/after transition?

I've looked to my dreams to maybe confirm something. None of my dreams involve guys. I have had dreams where guys try to kiss me b/c they think I'm a girl, and in one of those dreams I punched the guy in the face and asked him what the hell he was doing, he looked confused. lol. it was never in an enjoyable context, i guess you can say. it came from stuff like that i experienced in rl and was afraid of experiencing again.

however, my dreams about girls are different. they are either in a good (as in, I like the girl) context, or they are in a "I'm too nervous around you" kinda context.

Maybe that answers my question. ah who knows.

[Guest Evan_J]

So I am not the only one who's obsessive. Good to know

And you honestly thought this? Honestly? Hmm, clearly you do not pay attention.

And yes, I would venture that that does answer it. I've dreamt a lot of things with guys in it (ok , honestly I rarely have them in it, but then I like stuff thats good to see in my dreams lol) but none of them was the hot and bothered sort. If it was of the warm persuasion you're sure to hear that she was a girl in my dream and she was nakie.

[Guest My_Genesis]

And you honestly thought this? Honestly? Hmm, clearly you do not pay attention.

And yes, I would venture that that does answer it. I've dreamt a lot of things with guys in it but none of them was the hot and bothered sort.

I hope it does... thanks Evan, you always got my back man.

Exactly, the hot & bothered factor is always missing in the guy dreams, ever-present in the girl ones. I mean, dreams are where repressed thoughts come up.. now if I do start having gay dreams then I'll really freak out. lol.

[Guest Evan_J]

I hope it does... thanks Evan, you always got my back man.

Exactly, the hot & bothered factor is always missing in the guy dreams, ever-present in the girl ones. I mean, dreams are where repressed thoughts come up.. now if I do start having gay dreams then I'll really freak out. lol.

....give yourself the caveat "unless its during the Tsuffering" lol I didn't dream of gay men then but I give everybody an amt of "understanding" over any out of actual personality behaviors then. Just remember it passes.

[Flint]

Due to being trans, I've never been in a relationship, or even dated anyone (unless you count hangin out with a guy who had in his mind we were dating while I just considered it hanging out, til he started begging to kiss me ), never kissed anyone, and needless to say never had sex with anyone. I am and have always have been too uncomfortable in my body to share any part of it with anyone else.

I am, as far as I know, a straight guy. At least, that's what I identify as. But I feel as though I need some kind of proof before I can know for sure. Like, how do I know for sure that I'm not into guys? And I know it's like, so what if I am. But I have this kinda what I like to call "self-homophobia" thing going on. Like I find the thought of me being into guys disgusting. Maybe that's b/c I'm not comfortable in my body, maybe that's b/c I'm not actually into guys so obviously the thought would be unappealing to me.

I keep replaying scenarios in my head, like "would I want to kiss [so-and-so guy]?" I keep trying to picture it b/c like I said, I feel like I need some sort of affirmation that I'm not into guys. yet I don't like to think about it. But for some reason, I keep thinking about it. Because I want to "make sure" I guess. And it's kind of making me insane. I don't want to think about these things.

There's a new term used for stuff like this, called "Homosexual OCD" or "H-OCD." I think that might be my problem. This is actually a real condition. Here's a link to some info about it

http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php

I fit the description so well. I just want it to stop. Hopefully as I transition and have more experiences with dating and such, it will go away over time. But I'm worried that maybe it won't and I'll have to go through extensive therapy or something to get rid of it.

I guess I'm asking for advice? Or has anyone experienced something similar?

btw I'm already on antidepressants (as the info in the link above mentions as treatment) for generalized anxiety and panic disorder (which I diagnosed myself with, b/c I get recurring panic attacks though my psychiatrist just classifies it as simply anxiety) these meds obviously don't seem to be helping with this particular issue.

I think it's hard to label sexuality before we start hormones. Thats my view anyway. I spent a real long time stating the point "I'm a straight guy in a womans body" but after i split with my ex it led me to do alot of soul searching and i started realising how much i hated the idea of me being gay, then i started hearing people on T say they classed themselves as straight and since they got on T they've 'changed' to liking men. I'm still working on this issue. I too have what you call "Self homophobia" i'm trying to work on this issue, because if i get on T and find myself attracted to men i wonder how'd cope with the stress of it aswell as with the stress i'll probably be going under just being on new hormones in itself! So i've started trying to be more open minded just in case it happens. Which has sadly led to rhumors that i'm apparently gay and like men Ah well.

Your question about "How do i know" well here is the thing that all my gay friends say especially the younger ones who have people saying "You have no experience how do you know your gay?!" Well...how did their friends know they were straight?

Straight people can have dreams about the same gender more often than i think people realise or like to admit

[Guest My_Genesis]

I think it's hard to label sexuality before we start hormones. Thats my view anyway. I spent a real long time stating the point "I'm a straight guy in a womans body" but after i split with my ex it led me to do alot of soul searching and i started realising how much i hated the idea of me being gay, then i started hearing people on T say they classed themselves as straight and since they got on T they've 'changed' to liking men. I'm still working on this issue. I too have what you call "Self homophobia" i'm trying to work on this issue, because if i get on T and find myself attracted to men i wonder how'd cope with the stress of it aswell as with the stress i'll probably be going under just being on new hormones in itself! So i've started trying to be more open minded just in case it happens. Which has sadly led to rhumors that i'm apparently gay and like men Ah well.

lol. Yeah that's what I worry about, the stress I may experience if that happens to me after being on T, especially since it increases your sex drive. I keep thinking "what happens if I find out I'm into guys and everything I knew about my sexual orientation has been wrong?"

[Flint]

lol. Yeah that's what I worry about, the stress I may experience if that happens to me after being on T, especially since it increases your sex drive. I keep thinking "what happens if I find out I'm into guys and everything I knew about my sexual orientation has been wrong?"

Yup, it can be quite a worrying thought. Not to mention frustrating because it's like "Ahh i can't truly know myself yet and i'm having to wait!"

I've now decided i no longer label my sexuality and until i can start hormones i'm not going to even think about labeling myself.

I think you just have to go with the flow. For now you fancie who you fancie...wether it be man/woman/other gender related.

From reading your posts i think you're a bit like me once you get something in your head you obsess over it for days, weeks, months. I know i do!

[Guest My_Genesis]

Yup, it can be quite a worrying thought. Not to mention frustrating because it's like "Ahh i can't truly know myself yet and i'm having to wait!"

I've now decided i no longer label my sexuality and until i can start hormones i'm not going to even think about labeling myself.

I think you just have to go with the flow. For now you fancie who you fancie...wether it be man/woman/other gender related.

From reading your posts i think you're a bit like me once you get something in your head you obsess over it for days, weeks, months. I know i do!

lol, yeah I am a bit obsessive. As you can see from my original post I mentioned I think I might have "homosexual OCD" (which happens to be a real thing)

I do hope it goes away in time and as I transition; I hope once I can be myself this will go away. If not... well, I guess then I'll have to go through some therapy to make it go away.

Side note: I have and still do, sometimes get turned on by watching guys "get pleasure", to keep it clean. But that's the old tried and true thing us ftm's go through, of wanting to BE the guy, not wanting them sexually. At least I think that's what it is. This is bugging me b/c of the whole "self-homophobia" thing. it's like "zomg I must be gay if that is happening!" Again, I hope this is something that goes away as I transition and can "function" more as a guy.

[Flint]

lol, yeah I am a bit obsessive. As you can see from my original post I mentioned I think I might have "homosexual OCD" (which happens to be a real thing)

I do hope it goes away in time and as I transition; I hope once I can be myself this will go away. If not... well, I guess then I'll have to go through some therapy to make it go away.

Side note: I have and still do, sometimes get turned on by watching guys "get pleasure", to keep it clean. But that's the old tried and true thing us ftm's go through, of wanting to BE the guy, not wanting them sexually. At least I think that's what it is. This is bugging me b/c of the whole "self-homophobia" thing. it's like "zomg I must be gay if that is happening!" Again, I hope this is something that goes away as I transition and can "function" more as a guy.

Thats something i have trouble with too, because it's like "How can i be like that when i'm not gay? :-S" but then i remember the fact i'm trans and it's like maybe it's more that it helps me visulise and fantasize about me having paticular body parts. I think alot of it is to do with needing to visulaise what it would be like for us as a man? it does get confusing though. it's hard distinguish being attracted to them and just wishing you were more like them.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Thats something i have trouble with too, because it's like "How can i be like that when i'm not gay? :-S" but then i remember the fact i'm trans and it's like maybe it's more that it helps me visulise and fantasize about me having paticular body parts. I think alot of it is to do with needing to visulaise what it would be like for us as a man? it does get confusing though. it's hard distinguish being attracted to them and just wishing you were more like them.

Yeah! So glad I'm not alone in this.

[Flint]

Yeah! So glad I'm not alone in this.

Have you heard about the e-book written by an FTM? I'll try and find the link. It's basically about sexuality and being an FTM. Inf act if you have facebook you may have seen other FTM's become a fan of it. I'll try and find the link to it.

[Guest Evan_J]

.....if i get on T and find myself attracted to men i wonder how'd cope with the stress of it aswell as with the stress i'll probably be going under just being on new hormones in itself! So i've started trying to be more open minded just in case it happens. Which has sadly led to rhumors that i'm apparently gay and like men

why lawd, why do these boys think they the only transmen who have had these same thoughts and fears. (lol)

It's gonna be alright.

No matter who you end up liking in the end. Its going to be alright.

[Guest My_Genesis]

why lawd, why do these boys think they the only transmen who have had these same thoughts and fears. (lol)

It's gonna be alright.

No matter who you end up liking in the end. Its going to be alright.

So, the thing I mentioned about getting turned on, is that something you've heard other guys experince? do you think that is normal for a "straight transman"?

[Guest Evan_J]

So, the thing I mentioned about getting turned on, is that something you've heard other guys experince? do you think that is normal for a "straight transman"?

a ) cisgendered, natal, straight men often anonymously admit to some sort of same sex experience (even if its voyeristic) at some point in their lives but most typically in the teens or very early twenties.

Supposition: it has to do with the nature and level of testosterone which easily makes ANY sexual act 'doable" if only for 4 minutes and in absolute secrecy because of the desperation for whatever immediate release.

b ) it is not abnormal for any person male or female, cis or trans, to be able to find eroticism in an act , even one performed by a person of their same sex or one that is in some way "illicit" without actually wanting to do the act. Or engage in an act with another party. In those instances (and I think this applies to you , and I base it also on some other things you've written in past.....) it is the idea of the act more than desire for the actor that is the stimulous. ie you want to feel what it feels like to be doing it. And imagining what you would be feeling is whats stimulating.

[Guest My_Genesis]

In those instances (and I think this applies to you , and I base it also on some other things you've written in past.....) it is the idea of the act more than desire for the actor that is the stimulous. ie you want to feel what it feels like to be doing it. And imagining what you would be feeling is whats stimulating.

Okay, yeah that's what I was getting at. I will keep that in mind. and try not be be so neurotic about it