Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

How To Come Out To My Wife?


Guest GinaBrandt

Recommended Posts

Guest GinaBrandt

Hi. I'm an MTF and worried about how the hell I'm going to tell my wife about this. We've only been married a couple years, and she was open minded about my crossdressing but.. given her family background (conservative southerners) and the fact that family means more than anything to her, odds are she's going to react very badly. Even if she accepts me the odds are that her family won't and I know which she'll choose.

Would it be too sneaky to save up a little bit of "emergency" money in case I immediately have to leave?

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

Gina, Honey.........

I've been married to my wife for 30 years and family isn't a problem...her's or mine....

And, although my wife is supportive off and on, (I've been out to her two years now) I'm not sure day by day what is going to happen....

Some days are diamonds and some days are coal......

I'm 14 months HRT and she knows that I have my surgery letter and intend to use it.

Will it work out? I don't know....

But, having a contingency plan is NEVER a bad idea! I have a plan "B" and "C".....

Yes....put aside some money for future needs...if things go smoothly, there are still going to be plenty of things to use it on....

Good luck, Hon......

Telling my wife was probably the hardest day of my life!

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest lucinda
.......We've only been married a couple years, and she was open minded about my crossdressing but.. ...

Hi Gina

What are you coming out about to your wife?

She knows about your CD'ing; are ypu thinking of transitioning, SRS or whatever?

Lucinda

Link to comment
Guest GinaBrandt
Hi Gina

What are you coming out about to your wife?

She knows about your CD'ing; are ypu thinking of transitioning, SRS or whatever?

Lucinda

I'm sorry, I got so flustered I left out a major point :)

As far as she knows I like to crossdress, but not that there's any reason behind it. She thinks I just get a kick out of it.

I'm thinking of transitioning, starting with hormones and eventually leading to SRS. Probably vocal surgery somewhere down the line so I don't have to constantly worry about my "old voice" slipping out. But basically, however long it may take to get there, I'm going for the whole enchilada. She's going to have to know before I start therapy and hormones.

-Gina

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean
I'm sorry, I got so flustered I left out a major point :)

As far as she knows I like to crossdress, but not that there's any reason behind it. She thinks I just get a kick out of it.

I'm thinking of transitioning, starting with hormones and eventually leading to SRS. Probably vocal surgery somewhere down the line so I don't have to constantly worry about my "old voice" slipping out. But basically, however long it may take to get there, I'm going for the whole enchilada. She's going to have to know before I start therapy and hormones.

-Gina

Yeah, I'd call that a major point to leave out!

And you're right....you'll need to let her know as soon as you solidify your plans....It's only fair.

Then she can make up her mind what she will do about it.....

Good luck, Honey!

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest lucinda
.....I'm thinking of transitioning, starting with hormones and eventually leading to SRS. Probably vocal surgery somewhere down the line so I don't have to constantly worry about my "old voice" slipping out. But basically, however long it may take to get there, I'm going for the whole enchilada....

Are you 100% sure you want to do all this? How about taking it step by step? The first being to sit down with your wife and explain that your feelings are more than just dressing and once she's absorbed this then talk about the potential outcomes that could arise from this.

Perhaps you could find a place that is not the whole enchilada but is acceptable to you both.

Link to comment
Guest GinaBrandt
And you're right....you'll need to let her know as soon as you solidify your plans....It's only fair.

Then she can make up her mind what she will do about it.....

When did you consider your plans solidified? When you "woke up", when you started talking to a professional, somewhere between?

I'm sorry to make this about you, just looking for some insight :)

-Gina

Link to comment
Guest GinaBrandt
Are you 100% sure you want to do all this? How about taking it step by step? The first being to sit down with your wife and explain that your feelings are more than just dressing and once she's absorbed this then talk about the potential outcomes that could arise from this.

Perhaps you could find a place that is not the whole enchilada but is acceptable to you both.

Well, I want to pass (I know the old adage that nobody passes but I've seen otherwise, I'm still in my 20s and willing to work hard), which means hormones, at which point I've got a lifeless little appendage between my legs that a simple surgery could fix. I mean, I get why other people only go some of the way, but the way I look at it if I'm trying to pass as a "GG" woman I should be as close as possible.

I do agree with you though, maybe starting small and opening up as she does would be the proper approach here. I'm still months away from even being given the ok to take hormones. Thank you.

Hugs,

Gina

Link to comment
  • Admin

Gina, you sound very sure of how you feel and what your goals are. Nothing wrong with that at all.

But...have you discussed your plans to transition with a gender therapist, and if so, have they concurred that

you are TS? I think that is an important consideration, especially when your wife asks you, and she will ask

you, how you know for sure that you're TS and that transition is what you need.

That she knows you were a crossdresser is a positive, as that comes under the umbrella of being transgendered,

so the concept won't be completely foreign to her. Of course being TS and needing to transition is a whole 'nother

thing.

I came out to my wife last fall, after about 2 months or so of therapy. By that time I too was certain of my

path forward. It was the hardest conversation I've ever had. I laid out my life in chronological order, very calmly,

and explained everything, including what I was going to be going through. I was and continue to be

completely honest with her.

Be prepared for a very negative reaction, Gina. She will likely go through all the stages of grief, including

anger, denial, accusations of deceit, suggerstions that you are doing this only to have sex with men, and lots

of other unpleasant things.

Give her lots of time and space to sort things out, ask questions, and come to terms with what and who she is

losing. You must be patient and as understanding as you can possibly be. She didn't bargain for any of what

you are presenting her with.

Please PM me if you would like to discuss in more detail or have any questions. I am here for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean
When did you consider your plans solidified? When you "woke up", when you started talking to a professional, somewhere between?

I'm sorry to make this about you, just looking for some insight :)

-Gina

Ok, maybe I mis-spoke there....what I meant was when you have a better idea of what you want to accomplish....

It sounds as if you have made your plans and know what you are going to do.....

And yes, my plans were solidified when I talked to a professional and I finally understood who I was and what I needed to do...See, I'm 60 and I've kept this down for a lot of years...you're young and will be able to transition with good results and lead a long life!

I do envy you that!

But, If you haven't already...you'll need to get with a gender therapist and work through this so that you can get your HRT and surgery in the long run!

Good luck, Hon...

Link to comment
Guest GinaBrandt

Well, given what both of you are saying, I really should find a way to see a therapist without it raising too many questions from her first.

I'm considering at least telling her that it's "a little more than crossdressing" and that I'm going to see a therapist about it. I've already made an appointment, and HRT may not be covered by my insurance but therapy is :)

She's not very likely to freak out about that..

Thank you all so much for your insight. It's wonderful to be able to talk to people who have already been through this, and in some cases way past it.

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean
I've already made an appointment, and HRT may not be covered by my insurance but therapy is :)

Gina...that's good about the therapy being covered....

And also, WalMart has a $4 generic drug plan and most HRT is available for $8-$12 per month...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest GinaBrandt

Well.. I did it.

I told her what feelings I'd been having, not how far I wanted to go for sure but that I was going to see a therapist to help figure this out, and that hormones/SRS were one possible outcome. She asked me a TON of questions for nearly an hour. She eventually told me she loved me in whatever body I wanted to be in, and that she thought I should explore all of this more before doing anything concrete but that if I chose to she'd be by my side.

Then, to make me feel better, she started listing off family and friends of ours who would be supportive. Then she lamented that she'd be the "butch" in our lesbian relationship because she's not horribly feminine as it is. Finally she hugged me, but it was a different kind of hug. Gentle and warm.

I love my wife.

Link to comment
Guest GinaBrandt

Thank you Viv.. it did go south for a bit when she acknowledged that there was a chance she'd have a problem with it when it actually started happening, but we agreed that if it even got to that point it would be because that was who I was supposed to be and it was better for both of us that way.

She stressed over and over that it was just a remote possibility and that she had no reason to know she'd feel that way. It was overall a very good conversation.

Link to comment
  • Admin

Gina, I'm so glad to hear that your conversation went well. That is a very good outcome, and I wish you both success

in this journey together.

Don't be surprised, though, if there are occasional setbacks. If you do indeed start transitioning, at some point it will become

more real to her, and she will almost certainly have doubts. I was very Polyanish at the beginning, but am so no longer.

Keep her in the loop, offer continual support, and seek whatever guidance you need here. We'll be here for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
Guest GinaBrandt

Things seem to be calming down a lot for now, she gave me an enormous hug that I can only describe as womanly when I got home and asked me when my appointment was scheduled. I'm very, very lucky that she's openminded (and has bi leanings).

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 46 Guests (See full list)

    • Lydia_R
    • MaryEllen
    • christinakristy2021
    • JenniferB
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,102
    • Most Online
      8,356

    his-mom
    Newest Member
    his-mom
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Ale975
      Ale975
      (27 years old)
    2. BillieB
      BillieB
      (65 years old)
    3. BrokenDays
      BrokenDays
      (34 years old)
    4. Bryson
      Bryson
      (25 years old)
    5. Jolie
      Jolie
  • Posts

    • Lydia_R
      Wonderful!  This reminds me of a discussion I had with my brother a decade ago.  I said that things expand when they get hotter.  He said, no, they expand when they get colder.  And I had to think about that for a while.  The weird thing is that H20 is special in that when it reaches freezing, it expands.   The pressure makes the cold and then we see the condensation.
    • KatieSC
      I used to have a really good therapist, however, she does not accept health insurance reimbursement fees as they are too low. I had to pay 130 per session. When she decided to jack the rates to 185 per hour, I cut bait. Without a doubt, counseling is very helpful. What concerns me greatly is that we are a vulnerable population. Unfortunately, we can easily be targeted for some pretty high fees. How many of us have been in the situation where our healthcare provider, surgeons, or counselors, have required cash payments? We get jammed as well by the health insurance companies as they often will not pay for items that could be essential to our well-being. It is my contention that our chances of being targeted for violence, death, or harassment, go up when we cannot easily blend in with the female population.    For those of us that are MTF, some of us are blessed with more feminine features, and many of us are not. We get the whammy of a larger skeleton, bigger hands, bigger feet, a beard, a deep voice, and masculine face. It takes a lot for some of us to be able to blend in. My belief is that the better we blend in, the better chance we have of not being targeted. In this, electrolysis, facial feminizing/gender affirming facial surgery, voice/speech therapy with voice feminization/gender affirming voice surgery, and body contouring are all potentially lifesaving. Unfortunately, many of the insurance companies deem the procedures as cosmetic, and yet there is no cosmetic that fixes all of these issues.    If you pay your money, you can get anything you want in this world. The sad reality is that for us, many of these procedures would enhance our lives tremendously, yet we face ongoing battles with our very existence. Yeah, an empathetic therapist helps, but is it just the concept of reasonable empathy at a reasonable cost? When my therapist jacked her rates to 185 per hour, I said enough is enough. Your mileage may vary.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I don't think the temperature matters as much.  Think about how gases like CO2 are stored in cylinders, and they are basically the same in summer or winter.  Any gas becomes liquid under enough pressure.  What does matter is the strength of the pressure vessel.  If exposed to excess external heat, pressure increases and can burst a tank or a pipe.  Household propane tanks are often painted white or silver and have safety release valves, because sunlight can heat a tank enough to cause a significant increase in internal pressure, even though the contents remain liquid. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It has been a long week, and I think this weekend is going to be pretty busy.  The high school is having their graduation later today.  Although we don't have any grads in our family this year, my husband is going because he's involved with the school.  And tonight there's the torchlight ceremony for the county cadets who are finishing their program, and the reading of assignments for the new seniors.  One of my stepkids will be a senior this year.  She's talented, and will be assigned a squad leader position.  My husband is really proud of her, and she's well-liked by her peers even though she's very quiet and serious.    I might get to go on a trip to Texas this week.  The storms that hit Houston caused a lot of electrical damage, so no doubt the utilities in that area will be ordering stuff from my husband's company.  When the big hurricane hit Florida in 2022, we made several trips there with badly-needed equipment, and the entire transportation department was involved in the first convoy.  When he travels, I usually want to go along, since 1-on-1 time is kind of rare for us. 
    • Mmindy
    • Lydia_R
      Maybe surface tension?   I was in a political debate yesterday and it got way too focused on social stuff and I just had to steer the conversation back to how natural gas transitions to a liquid under pressure.  One of the people I was debating had a career working in that field and it was a good opportunity to expose stuff like that.  He mentioned that it isn't just pressure, it is temperature too.  So then I mentioned how the lines are running underground and asked how that played a role in it.  He came back saying that natural gas is a liquid under pressure.  I guess I didn't get a straight answer on that, but it did move my thinking one step down the road.  Perhaps I should have been more direct with him and asked him at what temperature and pressure.  Is there a chart?   I feel people would be better off if they paid more attention to the objects in their environment instead of focusing on some of the things that we hear so much of in the news.  People are pretty clueless as to how much trigonometry plays a role in so many things in our society.  Even land surveyors don't really use it anymore because programmers locked it away in a function.  Much like how cascading style sheets (CSS) is a wrapper for math.  I wonder what former president Trump thinks about all of that?  He must have some knowledge of how his buildings are constructed, right?  There certainly is a part of me that thinks he is just putting on a show about all of this.  Perhaps I'm wrong though.  All kinds of people in the world.
    • Jani
      Me as well.  I can use my left hand for many tasks though.
    • Jani
      Hello Jennifer and welcome back.  I find New England to be a great place to live.  I have a number of acquaintances and friends in Maine and I love the state.  It seems you are doing well.     Hugs,  Jani
    • MirandaB
      Oh, my "maybe this person is an egg" story is the (male presenting) piercing person and I discussed body hair removal methods, he says he doesn't want any hair except on his head, which is what I said during a couple hair removal sessions before and just after the egg cracked.     
    • Karen Carey
      I, too, am lucky.  Here in the UK I have a great therapist, a fully supportive GP, and a psychiatrist and endo who look after me and my needs.  I found the therapist on Psychology Today.
    • Lydia_R
      Over the last few years of being on this site and going through medical transition, I've come to own the M->F identification.  Funny, I made a typo of M->T.  It is a curiosity if I'll ever put Gender: Female on this site.  It is my intention to be there someday.   Right now, because of career stuff and a high stress event with an electric hair clipper last fall, I'm feeling much more masculine than I would like.  I think that once I make some decent headway with my third career, I'll settle into a more feminine feeling.   I never really considered gender very much.  I certainly always used a feminine appearance as my presentation goal. I think that when I was young, I briefly had the idea of transitioning, but I convinced myself quickly that medical transition would be a bad outcome, so I put all those feelings and ideas in the closet for decades.  I'm still very apprehensive about medical transition.  I've always taken health to be a high priority for me.  I wrote a book last December about my fears of it all and my conclusion ultimately is that sometimes there is more to life than being a pillar of health.  It's important to take some chances if that is where your heart takes you.
    • Lydia_R
    • Lydia_R
    • Ivy
    • Ivy
      Uhmm…  Yeah, ha ha.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...