How To Come Out To My Wife?

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Hi. I'm an MTF and worried about how the hell I'm going to tell my wife about this. We've only been married a couple years, and she was open minded about my crossdressing but.. given her family background (conservative southerners) and the fact that family means more than anything to her, odds are she's going to react very badly. Even if she accepts me the odds are that her family won't and I know which she'll choose.

Would it be too sneaky to save up a little bit of "emergency" money in case I immediately have to leave?

[Guest Donna Jean]

Gina, Honey.........

I've been married to my wife for 30 years and family isn't a problem...her's or mine....

And, although my wife is supportive off and on, (I've been out to her two years now) I'm not sure day by day what is going to happen....

Some days are diamonds and some days are coal......

I'm 14 months HRT and she knows that I have my surgery letter and intend to use it.

Will it work out? I don't know....

But, having a contingency plan is NEVER a bad idea! I have a plan "B" and "C".....

Yes....put aside some money for future needs...if things go smoothly, there are still going to be plenty of things to use it on....

Good luck, Hon......

Telling my wife was probably the hardest day of my life!

Donna Jean

[Guest lucinda]

.......We've only been married a couple years, and she was open minded about my crossdressing but.. ...

Hi Gina

What are you coming out about to your wife?

She knows about your CD'ing; are ypu thinking of transitioning, SRS or whatever?

Lucinda

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Hi Gina

What are you coming out about to your wife?

She knows about your CD'ing; are ypu thinking of transitioning, SRS or whatever?

Lucinda

I'm sorry, I got so flustered I left out a major point

As far as she knows I like to crossdress, but not that there's any reason behind it. She thinks I just get a kick out of it.

I'm thinking of transitioning, starting with hormones and eventually leading to SRS. Probably vocal surgery somewhere down the line so I don't have to constantly worry about my "old voice" slipping out. But basically, however long it may take to get there, I'm going for the whole enchilada. She's going to have to know before I start therapy and hormones.

-Gina

[Guest Donna Jean]

I'm sorry, I got so flustered I left out a major point

As far as she knows I like to crossdress, but not that there's any reason behind it. She thinks I just get a kick out of it.

I'm thinking of transitioning, starting with hormones and eventually leading to SRS. Probably vocal surgery somewhere down the line so I don't have to constantly worry about my "old voice" slipping out. But basically, however long it may take to get there, I'm going for the whole enchilada. She's going to have to know before I start therapy and hormones.

-Gina

Yeah, I'd call that a major point to leave out!

And you're right....you'll need to let her know as soon as you solidify your plans....It's only fair.

Then she can make up her mind what she will do about it.....

Good luck, Honey!

Donna Jean

[Guest lucinda]

.....I'm thinking of transitioning, starting with hormones and eventually leading to SRS. Probably vocal surgery somewhere down the line so I don't have to constantly worry about my "old voice" slipping out. But basically, however long it may take to get there, I'm going for the whole enchilada....

Are you 100% sure you want to do all this? How about taking it step by step? The first being to sit down with your wife and explain that your feelings are more than just dressing and once she's absorbed this then talk about the potential outcomes that could arise from this.

Perhaps you could find a place that is not the whole enchilada but is acceptable to you both.

[Guest GinaBrandt]

And you're right....you'll need to let her know as soon as you solidify your plans....It's only fair.

Then she can make up her mind what she will do about it.....

When did you consider your plans solidified? When you "woke up", when you started talking to a professional, somewhere between?

I'm sorry to make this about you, just looking for some insight

-Gina

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Are you 100% sure you want to do all this? How about taking it step by step? The first being to sit down with your wife and explain that your feelings are more than just dressing and once she's absorbed this then talk about the potential outcomes that could arise from this.

Perhaps you could find a place that is not the whole enchilada but is acceptable to you both.

Well, I want to pass (I know the old adage that nobody passes but I've seen otherwise, I'm still in my 20s and willing to work hard), which means hormones, at which point I've got a lifeless little appendage between my legs that a simple surgery could fix. I mean, I get why other people only go some of the way, but the way I look at it if I'm trying to pass as a "GG" woman I should be as close as possible.

I do agree with you though, maybe starting small and opening up as she does would be the proper approach here. I'm still months away from even being given the ok to take hormones. Thank you.

Hugs,

Gina

[Carolyn Marie]

Gina, you sound very sure of how you feel and what your goals are. Nothing wrong with that at all.

But...have you discussed your plans to transition with a gender therapist, and if so, have they concurred that

you are TS? I think that is an important consideration, especially when your wife asks you, and she will ask

you, how you know for sure that you're TS and that transition is what you need.

That she knows you were a crossdresser is a positive, as that comes under the umbrella of being transgendered,

so the concept won't be completely foreign to her. Of course being TS and needing to transition is a whole 'nother

thing.

I came out to my wife last fall, after about 2 months or so of therapy. By that time I too was certain of my

path forward. It was the hardest conversation I've ever had. I laid out my life in chronological order, very calmly,

and explained everything, including what I was going to be going through. I was and continue to be

completely honest with her.

Be prepared for a very negative reaction, Gina. She will likely go through all the stages of grief, including

anger, denial, accusations of deceit, suggerstions that you are doing this only to have sex with men, and lots

of other unpleasant things.

Give her lots of time and space to sort things out, ask questions, and come to terms with what and who she is

losing. You must be patient and as understanding as you can possibly be. She didn't bargain for any of what

you are presenting her with.

Please PM me if you would like to discuss in more detail or have any questions. I am here for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Donna Jean]

When did you consider your plans solidified? When you "woke up", when you started talking to a professional, somewhere between?

I'm sorry to make this about you, just looking for some insight

-Gina

Ok, maybe I mis-spoke there....what I meant was when you have a better idea of what you want to accomplish....

It sounds as if you have made your plans and know what you are going to do.....

And yes, my plans were solidified when I talked to a professional and I finally understood who I was and what I needed to do...See, I'm 60 and I've kept this down for a lot of years...you're young and will be able to transition with good results and lead a long life!

I do envy you that!

But, If you haven't already...you'll need to get with a gender therapist and work through this so that you can get your HRT and surgery in the long run!

Good luck, Hon...

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Well, given what both of you are saying, I really should find a way to see a therapist without it raising too many questions from her first.

I'm considering at least telling her that it's "a little more than crossdressing" and that I'm going to see a therapist about it. I've already made an appointment, and HRT may not be covered by my insurance but therapy is

She's not very likely to freak out about that..

Thank you all so much for your insight. It's wonderful to be able to talk to people who have already been through this, and in some cases way past it.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I've already made an appointment, and HRT may not be covered by my insurance but therapy is

Gina...that's good about the therapy being covered....

And also, WalMart has a $4 generic drug plan and most HRT is available for $8-$12 per month...

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Well.. I did it.

I told her what feelings I'd been having, not how far I wanted to go for sure but that I was going to see a therapist to help figure this out, and that hormones/SRS were one possible outcome. She asked me a TON of questions for nearly an hour. She eventually told me she loved me in whatever body I wanted to be in, and that she thought I should explore all of this more before doing anything concrete but that if I chose to she'd be by my side.

Then, to make me feel better, she started listing off family and friends of ours who would be supportive. Then she lamented that she'd be the "butch" in our lesbian relationship because she's not horribly feminine as it is. Finally she hugged me, but it was a different kind of hug. Gentle and warm.

I love my wife.

[Guest viv]

Hun, I hope and pray all continues in this positive vein .

What a lovely wife you have . I am so happy for you .

Luv,viv

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Thank you Viv.. it did go south for a bit when she acknowledged that there was a chance she'd have a problem with it when it actually started happening, but we agreed that if it even got to that point it would be because that was who I was supposed to be and it was better for both of us that way.

She stressed over and over that it was just a remote possibility and that she had no reason to know she'd feel that way. It was overall a very good conversation.

[Carolyn Marie]

Gina, I'm so glad to hear that your conversation went well. That is a very good outcome, and I wish you both success

in this journey together.

Don't be surprised, though, if there are occasional setbacks. If you do indeed start transitioning, at some point it will become

more real to her, and she will almost certainly have doubts. I was very Polyanish at the beginning, but am so no longer.

Keep her in the loop, offer continual support, and seek whatever guidance you need here. We'll be here for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Yinyang Mist]

Wonderful! Glad it worked out so well!

[Guest GinaBrandt]

Things seem to be calming down a lot for now, she gave me an enormous hug that I can only describe as womanly when I got home and asked me when my appointment was scheduled. I'm very, very lucky that she's openminded (and has bi leanings).

[Guest Donna Jean]

Ah, that's good news, Gina......

I hope that it continues to be a smooth path....

Huggs

Donna Jean