Is It Right For Me To Be Doing This?

[Guest Keane]

I recently just found out that I only need the consent of ONE parent for hormones..... I've probably been outright lied to for the past two years. So I've told my mom that if she refuses to give me consent for hormones, she will be preventing me from going to college this fall because I refuse to go back to school presenting as female and then have to switch schools because I want to be stealth, and after already dropping out of high school I do not plan on abandoning any more friends, and I will get emancipated and transition on my own because staying with her would not be worth it and would just be a waste of time.

Today my dad came over so we could discuss it, and he is still clinging to the "agreement" we made when I came out to him that "we" would wait until I'm 18 to start transition.... Where is "we" coming from? He's basically saying he wants no part of it. Also both of my parents have said "If you don't go to college this fall, that is not our fault, that's your choice." I disagree, it's their choice and they're denying having part of it so they can hold me back further. While talking to him, and this is how I've been with my mom lately since I found out I only need her consent, I was blunt but I was also pretty angry, and gave up talking to him within minutes and told my mom it's all on her now, he's not to be involved in the decision.

After I left, my mom said that he said it's unfair that I'm making these threats and pushing them into doing this or they'll lose me, but it sounds fair to me. If they don't want any part of me transitioning before I'm 18 and they don't want to see me change at all, what makes you think that they're going to change once I turn 18 next year? Nothing will change, my age is just a number. Until I am able to just transition already, they will NEVER understand anything. My mom will never understand the changes I'll be going through, that I'm just going through male puberty and not rotting my brains with some crazy drug, and that I wasn't brainwashed like she's claimed for the past two years. I see what I'm planning and what I'm doing as perfectly reasonable, because really they either need to get onboard with me or I'll leave them and do this on my own.

[Guest lvmyftm]

You probably aren't going to like what I have to say.....it sounds like you are throwing a childish tanturm to get what you want. Making threats like that doesn't show maturity. Transitioning is a series of things that require one to make mature decissions. I would have to agree with your parents that based on your behavior it doesnt sounds like you are ready to handle transitioning right now. At 17 family might not be very important to you right now but in a few years you might think otherwise. Trying to transition too quickly and being immature about it will only alienate those around you that care about you. You have plenty of time to transition and you can go about starting T on your own once you are 18. Calm down and try to think about the long term and not just the right now. I know that is hard to do at your age.

[Guest Evan_J]

To be fair lvmyftm, the emotions Keane is having could have something to do wtih this statement right here:

I've probably been outright lied to for the past two years.

The emotions of feeling/wondering if there's been a deception (and I have no idea as to that) might make a body feel.... not willing to be "reasonable". I dunno all of whats going on or thats been said at Keane's house, and quite possibly there are things that have to be better understood.

[Guest Bunny]

I agree that there's a lot we're missing here in terms of whats going on and that its hard to offer advice on what's been written.

I really do think saying "then I'm not going back to school" is a bad choice. Because your parents aren't forcing you, they never made you deal that you'd go to school as male did they? You didn't say as much.

I know that emotions get the best of people and ect but I think the first thing you need to do is clam down and look at this logically. Making threats like that isn't going to convince your parents you're ready to even live in a dorm single. Venting, ranting, ect it's all fine and dandy to do here but when you talk to your mother you need sit down, relax and... Heck maybe present your reasons as you would a class presentation. Make a power point, lay out your reasons, your feelings and ect for her in simple terms. Not childish simple mind you but easy to understand simple.

Worst case is you have to wait till you turn 18 and change schools then, go as male then and ect but if you get emancipated then don't you lose your parents insurence? Their financial support? Wouldn't that hurt your transition instead of helping it? I know it sounds like a good idea when you're very angry at how they're acting but it just doesn't seem like a good choice for you.

Remember, in their mind they're not watching their child change genders but their daughter die in a sense. Look up the stages of grief, understand them. It doesn't make it easier but it does give you something to expect, how they may react, what may come next and give you an idea of how you need to handle yourself around them at that time.

-Jaden

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Think this through - you are killing the pony because you can't ride it? Go to college - fight the trans thing another time!

Lizzy

[Flint]

i can kinda see where your coming from Keane. Because once we know something as important as this about ourselves it's hard to let go or put it back a bit because it's in the forefront of your mind. And you're thinking "I know this now, now i just want to live as male" But sometimes we have to be paitent. :-/ Do you really want to lose your parents? I dunno i don't fully understand your situation from this post.

[Guest Keane]

To be fair lvmyftm, the emotions Keane is having could have something to do wtih this statement right here:

[ quote ]

The emotions of feeling/wondering if there's been a deception (and I have no idea as to that) might make a body feel.... not willing to be "reasonable". I dunno all of whats going on or thats been said at Keane's house, and quite possibly there are things that have to be better understood.

My parents just want to set up obstacles because they think that the longer they stretch me from getting hormones, this will, as my mom said, "go away." I've talked to my teacher about the messed up stuff my mom has said. She's gonna give me a book to give to my mom about how parents should deal with trans kids and things they should know, because there are a lot of things that I simply understand in my own mind that I can't get out into words.... My mom doesn't understand a lot of stuff (she recently asked me if I've ever drawn a beard on my face to see what I would look like; EW! CRUSTY!), but when I've tried CONSTANTLY to try to explain things and spell things out to her, when I finish she'll say something like "I still feel in my heart that someone made you be this way" or say something TOTALLY messed up and ask me questions that are just plain NOT COOL at all and make me burst into tears the very second I hear them because they're so disgusting and out of line that it's just totally mind blowing that anyone would be so nasty to even bring some of the stuff up (and I rarely cry anymore). Of course that would make me really angry and frustrated, and I'm at a point now where I need to get more aggressive to show my parents that I am SERIOUS about this, where being nice about things don't work when they are basically playing around so they don't have to step up the way I have and deal with this and just move forward.

I still can't believe the messed up stuff my former gender therapist and some GLBT nurses I've talked to have said to my parents, like the lie about who needs to consent, as well as "If you decide to transition back in 10, 20, 30 years because you regret what you did, it will be harder to transition back if you start hormones now." It will NOT be harder to transition back, first of all; it would be the same as a 30+ year old transperson beginning transition, and they do perfectly fine for the most part. Secondly, fellow trans people (these nurses and my therapist are not trans) have said that yes, occasionally people do transition back years later, but they usually don't regret it because.... Really? Living as another gender for several years is not stemmed from a quick decision, you would have figured out that you don't like what you're doing SO much sooner. My friends have all agreed that it's perfectly okay if a person wants to transition back later in life. Third, if I've felt like this for years, and I've talked to cisgendered gay guys about some of my instincts that just come over me (one of them is almost peeing all over myself after getting used to wearing a legit packer, having a subconscious bond with it that's so strong that I accidentally walked up to the toilet SEVERAL times as if I was going to stand up to pee), and all of these guys have agreed that there is NO way that someone with a feminine identity would get these subconscious urges that I've talked to them about. It's not going away and it's just growing stronger (the toilet incident REALLY surprised me), so the chances of me regretting taking hormones RIGHT after is highly unlikely. I'm pretty androgynous right now anyway, and if I do a bit of flip flop and try out crossdressing as a female, which does look pretty fun, then that doesn't mean I'm confused or I regret anything, I'm just having fun, experimenting, and reaping the benefits of both genders simply because I can.

I'm definitely not going to be a gross, crusty, greasy, lumpy, grimy, nasty manly-man like my dad.... NO. I don't wanna look like a lumberjack wearing flannel shirts and carpenters jeans, with a crazy beard, going around doing all of THIS:

<-- That's my worst nightmare. My mom needs to get the image of me suddenly becoming horrendously ugly when I change my sex out of her head. Just thinking about it is scarring D8

I discussed with my teacher about whether going to college without transitioning would be a good idea, and I came to the conclusion that starting college presenting as a female would be a bad, bad idea because the whole reason I dropped out of school was people not seeing me the way I see myself and treating me in ways that feel are disrespectful when they're just the ways girls normally get treated, and at my current school where everyone sees me as just me, a bunch of people use male pronouns, don't try to push any feminine ideas and judgments on me, or just ask stuff thats stemming from assumptions that I have feminine identities, habits, etc. I want to live as a man STEALTH and there is no way I'm going back into any shark tanks. I've had people on trains and in public or whatever start talking to me like I'm an uber girl and every time I'm like "there is no way I'm doing this." There is no way I can handle that on top of freshman year of college. I've talked to a bunch of people here and some other trans people I know that have said they had to leave college either temporarily to transition or they dropped out or whatever, and since I'm paying for college all by myself with some financial support from the government or whatever there's no way I want to risk losing credits because I get uber depressed again and likely explode into a billion pieces and have to drop out and have a bunch of money go down the drain.

And again, having to cut off contact with countless numbers of people from a former school like when I dropped out of high school so I can live stealth is NOT a fun experience, and there's no way I wanna go through that again in college. Some can say that I don't have to do that, but I don't see coming out as being worth it or even RIGHT because what's between my legs is no one's business, and I don't want anybody to know my gender origin at all so their ideas of me get warped and all they see is my body and not ME. I'm too complex and unique to be reduced like that (not to sound narcissistic or anything, really) and there is SO much stuff that I'm planning on doing that's really important throughout my life that I don't even wanna risk people having those types of views and biases on me, hence why Anderson Cooper hasn't come out of the closet yet. He and I want people to have neutral views of us. I'm very neutral in many aspects of my life and views of the world and that is CRUCIAL to the things I'm planning on doing. I don't mind not having 100% biomale anatomy as long as I have that.

If my parents are using their legal power over me to simply hold me back because they're being outright selfish and they don't want to see me change, it's not worth keeping in contact with them for a pretty long time, and it's not worth the effort to try to drag them through my transition when I'm able to. They have admitted to me straight up that they just don't want to see me change, and they are CONVINCED that they are having more stress and a harder time than I am.... Uh.... They're not the one's going through this. Further showing their selfishness. That's really obnoxious and horrible of them to even suggest, that I'M not stressed about this at all. My dad is racist, closeminded, bossy and pushy to everyone, acts high-and mighty and like he knows EVERYTHING and everyone else knows nothing at all, and he has issues with me doing things as small as coloring my hair, or even getting a haircut. I got a normal short haircut and I saw his eyes pop for a second when he walked in yesterday. Since my mom is my primary caregiver and understands things because she sees me every day and I only see my dad a couple times a month out of my own choice, my dad shouldn't be in this decision because he wasn't around to understand it and doesn't want to even really try. If he was a part of the decision like we thought he had to be before, he would come to the family therapy sessions to say no, and my mom would use talking to him as an excuse just so he could say no and be like "Oh, well that's it then."

Emancipation isn't an immature threat. I WILL do it if I need to, even though I rather wouldn't, and my mom doesn't want that to happen either, but if my parents keep being the way they are and show that even after I'm 18 they would still try to deny my emotions and my identity and hold me back if they were legally able to, then there's no point in me staying with them. I've had to go through a lot of stuff both trans-related but mostly stuff that isn't without any friends or help from my parents, so I'm positive that if I made it through hell and back on my own, I could do this to and rebuild and feel awesome the way I've had to do quite a few times.

[Guest Bunny]

If your goal is to go to a school totally without anyone knowing at all about your biogender you aren't gonna be in school for a very long time. Like till you get all your paper work changed over.

That's all I have to say at this point because you seem as though you've set your mind and don't care much about what anyone else has to say or offer.

Good luck with that one.

-Jaden

[Guest GinaBrandt]

I understand that you're angry at your parents and the feeling that they're against you, I really do. But as hard as this may be to believe, they do want what's going to help you. Besides that, you'll be 18 before you know it.

I'm asking you honestly, If expressing your true gender is important enough to change your whole life over, why isn't it important enough to deal with changing schools because you had to wait a bit longer to present? It's a pain, no doubt, but given that the reward is finally feeling like yourself, doesn't it seem small in the long run?

[Guest Keane]

If your goal is to go to a school totally without anyone knowing at all about your biogender you aren't gonna be in school for a very long time. Like till you get all your paper work changed over.

That's all I have to say at this point because you seem as though you've set your mind and don't care much about what anyone else has to say or offer.

Good luck with that one.

-Jaden

Right, so it's not even worth going to school while I transition if I'll have to transfer soon after and then lose credits :/ I just wanted to know if I'm being a horrendous you-know-what for stepping up my actions and saying "I'm done with these shenanigans." If I WAS going way out of line I'd pause for a second so new things can line up, but emancipation does happen quite a bit.... As much as I may sound really angry as I typed all of that out, I wasn't getting all emotional, I'm just a major rambler >_<

[Guest Evan_J]

Well, on the one hand (and it could just be peeps who live in certain cities?) when I was a teenager -and that was 20+ years ago- I actually did know several peeps who were emancipated adults. It does happen. And they do make it. Not "the easiest " route, and you do have to have all your p.'s q.'s ducks in a row and all that BUT there ARE social service-type organizations who help emanicipated, 17 year old type people actually get apartments in their own name. Not state agencies. Private ones. You'll have to do the footwork to find them. ONE (rethink that....two actually.....) here actually specifically helps lgbt youth. (The fact that both also take in youth from 3 surrounding states also though lets you know how many of these type places there are. NOT A LOT) Since they often do have one circumstance or the other separating them from their birth home (most notably being kicked out). Again, not a cake walk, but I guess I'd rather say alll of that than have you have no clue and end up in a doorway. Again, you need to do the footwork and find all of your resources. Don't wait until you do something rash and are already out to have ANY clue of what the heck you would do. You also are going to need "means" , yup $. No court in the world will emancipate you with a half-baked way to support yourself.

Is it better (wiser) sometimes to "play the game" on the surface while actually stockpiling your resources in the comfort of? Yup. So you might want to think about that. If you've left school or something at the moment (you mentioned quiting school?) then you should not be wasting time that could be used to stockpile dollars sitting around the kitchen table yelling at mom . EITHER way you are about to finance a transition. And your life .

As to mom's blast about drawing on beards ("cute " sort of ) When I was 24 I actually used to buy the weave hair packages girls use and cut the hair teeeeny weeny and then glue them on my face so that I could know what I would look like with facial hair

It actually was what let me know I looked hawt as a dude lol if I do say so myself.

Playing with photos of yourself to know what you might look like isn't a bad idea in my opinion. A) it kind of relaxes you to an extent about what might happen to you once you start hrt. b ) it can be inspiring/ make you want it that much more.

My photo on my profile is NOT an actual picture. Its a "mock up" I did off an actual photo pre-t and "masculinized" in a program.

A good enough photo for the purpose its used for though. HOWEVER what T actually gave me wasn't as ......clean cut looking? lol Think more Lawrence Fishburn than Denzel Washington. Every now and then I almost "stun " myself if I catch my reflection suddenly.

Don't get me wrong , I am happy as all get out and we will NEVER be able to find a ruler that measures how much , but I had no exact preview. Maybe that's all mom was tryin to say? You DO stand a chance of not looking "exactly " like the type of man you imagine.

I was ready for T with regard to the face (and I think you should be too) when I was able to say "ok, if I lose whatever looks I have right now to get a male face I will be fine with that".

[Guest Bunny]

Right, so it's not even worth going to school while I transition if I'll have to transfer soon after and then lose credits :/ I just wanted to know if I'm being a horrendous you-know-what for stepping up my actions and saying "I'm done with these shenanigans." If I WAS going way out of line I'd pause for a second so new things can line up, but emancipation does happen quite a bit.... As much as I may sound really angry as I typed all of that out, I wasn't getting all emotional, I'm just a major rambler >_<

I'm well aware of emancipation details. I also agree with what I said before. It sounds like a really bad choice and like you're over reacting, out of line, ect. What most other people have said in nice terms.

I don't think I should say in public what I think you sound like, but if you really wanna know. PM me.

I will say you sound like a young kid over reacting. if you have a good, understanding GT you can be male at college without even starting HRT. You need an understanding school as well. But it can and does happen. You can transfer credits, I've done it three times. But an understanding college that will put you in a medical single, enroll you as male and ect will still have your RA, RD, likely most of your teachers, your advisor and who knows who else knowing your bio gender.

Can you actually handle that?

I don't know. I'm trying to be nice, I tried to be helpful as well. But from what I've read it doesn't sound like what you want. You've been through things, you've done it without people and you think this is right? Then do it.

Going to school and having a full time job is not fun and another reason people either quit jobs or drop out, they can't handle it. If you're worried about being depressed living at a school as your biogender you should think about that as well. It just sounds to me like you haven't thought it out well enough. Or much past being mad at your parents and maybe even your therapist and wanting to be done with that.

-Jaden just my observations.

[Guest Keane]

I'm kind of one of those unlucky people who needs HRT in order to pass, unless I get all the stuff Amanda Bynes had to wear in She's The Man to look like a guy (stick on eyebrows/sideburns, muscle suit, etc). I totally know by what I typed it probably does sound like I'm over reacting, but I'd have to disagree because I've been quiet about all this for a long time, and after finding out you've been lied to for two years, I think everyone here would be pretty mad. I've just decided enough is enough and now that I have this widened door I ought to try to get to it rather than putting off college when I got THAT opportunity from leaving highschool and being able to go a year ahead of my peers. Having to just work and not go to school for over a year after I finish this GED course because of putting off HRT would suck. I have access to two other therapists, one that I've seen for over a year and one at the youth center I go to school at, who can help me and be straight and honest with me. I have all these resources to getting the hormones, and it would go super smooth if one of my parents would just say yes, and everything will chill out and they won't have to hear me try to convince them to let me do anything this huge again. I don't want to get emancipated, neither does my mom, but I'll take that route if my mom still says no. I'd really rather stay home and have my mom let go of what she wants me to be and accept what I am, because she can't change that, you know? I WANT us to be okay with each other and be chill and happy.

[Guest Bunny]

Mad is okay. Overreacting because of it is not.

I'm going back to my original advice then.

Present things to your mother as an adult. Do it as you would a college presentation if you think its the only way she'll listen. Write her a letter so you wont fight. Whatever is needed but from what I've read so far. It doesn't seem like you've tried to take the collected route. Make sure though, that you do understand that this isn't easy on her either. But that you, as a person, who you are with what you believe, think, want, desire, wont change. The shell not the person. Don't cry, yell, eye roll, grumble, ect. Which is why I'm going back to that letter thing. Email hell. Whatever is easier. Email her a powerpoint! Send her a list of links to websites, books, other peoples stories that might also help.

And be sure to tell her that you don't want this to come between you but for you guys to better understand each other.

Also. It may be a legal requirement but I have been wondering. Is it just that your therapist wont recommend unless both your parents are okay with it? Just because its legal doesn't mean they're okay with the law. They are allowed to say they wont do something like this without both parents being okay with it if only one is needed but they can't do it the other way around. Its not fun but it can happen and you didn't say anything about that so it's a question worth asking.

Policies suck. But they do happen. They're intended to be better off for the whole family but often don't end up being that way for everyone. And if thats the case just move onto someone else and work on explaining in an uber adult way to your mom the situation and that you understand this is hard for her too.

Is it harder on her then you? One could argue it is. It isn't important if it is or isn't! If she thinks it is, fine let her think that, baby her, be more of the adult. Its a incredibly small price to pay to avoid pointless fights and get to where you need to get to. Stress over and over "I understand how hard this is on you but I need it to be happy" or. Whatever. Not turning it into a "I'll die without!" because, that just doesn't work out but a "my happiness depends on it" is far less drastic and easier to accept by parents. So long as you don't use those words.

If you can be the understanding adult who understands that she will go through much hurt over it. You'll probably be better off at least from the life lesson then. Yelling at the kitchen table.

-Jaden

[Guest Cody_T]

Right, so it's not even worth going to school while I transition if I'll have to transfer soon after and then lose credits :/ I just wanted to know if I'm being a horrendous you-know-what for stepping up my actions and saying "I'm done with these shenanigans." If I WAS going way out of line I'd pause for a second so new things can line up, but emancipation does happen quite a bit.... As much as I may sound really angry as I typed all of that out, I wasn't getting all emotional, I'm just a major rambler >_<

It's not actually so hard to go to school without your info changed over. Residentially it's more of a nightmare, so you would have to be in contact with housing quickly and insistently so that you won't be outed there, but a lot of schools will be willing to work with you. All of my teachers have respected my name and pronoun choices thus far, and have called role with that/let me take tests with that/turn in homework, etc. ID card might be harder if they won't let you use a preferred name, but I just placed duct tape over the name portion and it's worked to keep cafeteria workers from using that name. If you have to have it be visible to friends, try paint or sharpie or something you can pretend was an accident you just never fixed. My friends haven't learned my old name from anyone but me (wasn't trying to hide it), and people in my classes don't know I'm trans, even the close discussion ones. If you're on T to the point where you pass, it shouldn't be an issue. Also, you might want to look at schools where transferring is easy, like a state system where the school requirements are similar or articulate or something... if you do end up going to college before you can present fully male (and I'd suggest at least presenting male and having people know you're trans even if you don't get read it, less sucky (to me, at least) then being female) I'd look into what transfers to the college you want to transfer and take those classes.

Good luck with everything... I'm gonna stay out of the whole debate over validity cause I feel like I'm reaching the "explode in their faces" boiling point with my parents... but if you want advice, I'd say have an honest non-confrontational conversation about it with them, acknowledge their pain and try to make them acknowledge yours. Don't make if about the power struggle, make it about reconciling with your parents so that you can be comfortable and preserve your relationship and just let them know that transition is an important part of that. If this makes sense... kind of a hasty regurgitation of what I learned from my therapist... basically avoid the power struggle and try to get it on a sense of mutual understanding rather than "I'm right, you're wrong" since that places people on the defensive.

[Flint]

As to mom's blast about drawing on beards ("cute " sort of ) When I was 24 I actually used to buy the weave hair packages girls use and cut the hair teeeeny weeny and then glue them on my face so that I could know what I would look like with facial hair

It actually was what let me know I looked hawt as a dude lol if I do say so myself.

Playing with photos of yourself to know what you might look like isn't a bad idea in my opinion. A) it kind of relaxes you to an extent about what might happen to you once you start hrt. b ) it can be inspiring/ make you want it that much more.

My photo on my profile is NOT an actual picture. Its a "mock up" I did off an actual photo pre-t and "masculinized" in a program.

A good enough photo for the purpose its used for though. HOWEVER what T actually gave me wasn't as ......clean cut looking? lol Think more Lawrence Fishburn than Denzel Washington. Every now and then I almost "stun " myself if I catch my reflection suddenly.

Don't get me wrong , I am happy as all get out and we will NEVER be able to find a ruler that measures how much , but I had no exact preview. Maybe that's all mom was tryin to say? You DO stand a chance of not looking "exactly " like the type of man you imagine.

I was ready for T with regard to the face (and I think you should be too) when I was able to say "ok, if I lose whatever looks I have right now to get a male face I will be fine with that".

I stick fake hair on my face When everyone is at work it's what i do with my freetime. haha i won't allow myself to show people photos without the beard. Because i feel like i 1. look too young without it. 2. Look like a butch lesbian (no offence to butch lesbians but thats not the look i'm after!) 3. I look so much better with a beard! haha I do actually pass without a beard, so it's more of a self confidence issue but argh i hate looking like a 12 year old lad! I'd rather look older. I know with my typing i don't often have perfectly spaced out paragraphs or punctuation because that'd be to tirering with my health condition, but i'm actually a very wise man Before i started sticking fake facial hair onto myself i used to draw it on myself with photoshop I agree it's not actually a bad idea to sometimes "mock up" photos or whatever. Kinda gets you to see yourself with a beard I realise though that T will change many other things and that you may not look exactly like the photo shows but it's a draft idea of yourself

Sorry hijacking a post. I'll stop now.

I have no advice to be honest, all i can say is something my theropist said to me which stunned me at first and made me feel helplessly helpless and that is "It is impossible to be COMPLETLEY stealth" I dunno if this is absaloutley true for everyone though. I dunno what other people think on that. But i've had to completley turn around my way of thinking somewhat.

[Guest Eck]

I understand that it will be just one more complication to deal with if you start college now. I have been too afraid to step up my game and wear button-down shirts and ties because I am afraid of what people will think. That is a weakness, I know. But here is the thing - transition is just that. A change. This change does not happen overnight, and all along the way, whether you want them to or not, people are going to notice (that's the point, right?). Two main points: 1) You have to find a way to ignore what the majority thinks about your transition and just be yourself, which leads to 2) Do not postpone your entire life, a degree, a good job, and possible happiness aside from the transgender thing just to "transition". Transition is a journey. So is life. And I think you would be depriving yourself part of that journey just to spite others. It sounds like life sucks right now. Maybe it does. You can, however, control your own actions, thoughts, feelings (to some extent), attitudes, etc. You cannot control others, but you can control yourself. I think that agreeing to disagree with your folks and letting go of that anger would improve things a lot. Hardly anything in life works out the way it was planned, and when that happens, it is a bona-fide accident. I do not say these things in a condescending manner, but instead I am advising you to enjoy the ride. You have one life, and my hope for you is that you can get in a position where you enjoy it a little bit. Really. Let go of the anger. You, like me, will probably think a lot more clearly once you recognize and get rid of it.

Hoping the best for you,

Eck

[Guest again]

Hi Keane,

I am a parent of a FtM and I have posted this link before:

http://ctys.org/about_CTYS/FamiliesInTransition.htm

I encourage you to print out the Families in Transition booklet and give it to your parents or your mother to read. When sharing the information about my own (adult) child's transition, I shared this link with extended family members and they found it to be very helpful. As well, when my son came out to us he sent us a copy of it and reading it really made a difference in our understanding of being transgender. Perhaps it will help in your situation. All the best to you.

[Guest Keane]

Hi Keane,

I am a parent of a FtM and I have posted this link before:

http://ctys.org/about_CTYS/FamiliesInTransition.htm

I encourage you to print out the Families in Transition booklet and give it to your parents or your mother to read. When sharing the information about my own (adult) child's transition, I shared this link with extended family members and they found it to be very helpful. As well, when my son came out to us he sent us a copy of it and reading it really made a difference in our understanding of being transgender. Perhaps it will help in your situation. All the best to you.

Thank you

[Guest Keane]

My mom's been blowing up for no reason lately, and I've left her alone about hormones for a couple days, but last night I forgot to text her to say I was gonna go by my friends house after walking this dog, and eventually she first sends me a snotty, sarcastic text message, and then instead of calling MY phone to yell at me, she calls my friends mom and yells at HER but when she asks if she wants to talk to me she said no. It was completely uncalled for, my mom's friend did NOTHING to my mom, and we were confused why she wouldn't call me and take her anger out instead of looking like a fool and upsetting my friends mom who already had a bad day at work? This is the second time she's done this....

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

I don't know the specifics of your family life so I won't go there BUT you need to go to school. My partner and I put off school for one reason or another for so long and it was SOO HARD. I can't even explain. At one point I was living in my car with my dog while working 2 jobs, NOT FUN I promise. You need an education and putting that off for any reason I'm sorry, in this economy is not smart. Please think that thru. Would you be better off stuck physically the way you are ( I can only imagine and I'm sorry) with a degree behind you and a great job (that can pay for your transition) or transition and be paycheck-paycheck with nothing to show of your life? I'm sorry if this sounds mean thats not it at all. I'm soprry your dealing with all this :-/

[Guest Dexter]

You need to grow up, point blank. If you want to be treated like a man then you need to act like one.

Threatening your parents is not being a grown up. It's a cop out and it's also immature. You aren't going to get what you want by telling them that you're 'not going to go back to college unless I'm on T' or 'I'm going to go emancipate myself!' If anything that will just tick them off and show them that you are obviously not mature enough to go through this step of transition yet.

If you want something, go for it! But don't be ignorant or get an attitude about it, okay?

While I know people have been emancipated and succeeded, I don't think that is something you want to do. I mean, first of all, how are you going to support yourself? Where are you going to live? How are you going to pay for T while doing all of this? McDonalds and Wal-mart can only get you so far, ESPECIALLY if you've decided that you can't go to college right now. And while crashing at a friend's house might seem like a good idea at first, it most likely won't last long and then where will you be? On the streets? At the soup kitchen? T doesn't just grow on trees, either. Even if you're considered an adult by the Government and can sign for yourself to get testosterone, you still have to pay for it, they don't just hand it to you and say, "Here, have as much as you want!" you know.

I personally had an experience with acting very childish about this a couple of weeks ago, but once I saw how childish I was being I stepped up to the plate and did what I had to do and I did it in a mature and understanding way. I think that right now, that's what you've got to do.

Writing your mother a letter about everything would be good, fixing your childish attitude would be good, stopping the threats and blaming everyone else would be good and for the love of humanity going to college would be good! You won't automatically lose all of your corrects if you transfer (I've known enough people that have done it, so it is possible) and while I can't understand the whole stealth thing (personally, at least) I can respect it to a degree.

(By the way, this was not meant to be mean spirited or anything, rather I was trying to bring the reality of the situation to you.)

[Guest Evan_J]

My mom's been blowing up for no reason lately, and I've left her alone about hormones for a couple days, but last night I forgot to text her to say I was gonna go by my friends house after walking this dog, and eventually she first sends me a snotty, sarcastic text message, and then instead of calling MY phone to yell at me, she calls my friends mom and yells at HER but when she asks if she wants to talk to me she said no. It was completely uncalled for, my mom's friend did NOTHING to my mom, and we were confused why she wouldn't call me and take her anger out instead of looking like a fool and upsetting my friends mom who already had a bad day at work? This is the second time she's done this....

Parents do not always do the right thing.

They can misdirect emotions and scapegoat other people as much as anybody. (Sounds like your friends mom stood in the line of fire while mom was firing at whoeever was present?)

Parents are not magicians, mind readers, super people....none of that. They're just people who happened to have a kid.

I'm saying expect her to "mess up" while she's going through something "life changing" for her. -And to her, YOU transitioning is.

I did have an additional reason to go to college for you though. The part where more and more colleges are making transition available through student health insurance. Could be that college is the "perfect" place for you to be. ....talk to the admin. .......get an understanding about the name. ......check into living arrangements for someone transitioning. .....look through the health plan...... You've only considered college as an alternative to transitioning. "Either I transition or I go to college". Who says college isn't a way to transiton.

Could be that college gives you "everything"; means to live the life and the transition into it.

Finally, (and you're not the first brother I've pointed this out to) If your folks said today "fine, we give in , you start T tomorrow", considering that fall is in 4 months (if I'm generous) did you think you would look so entirely male by then that you still would not have to deal with people "realizing" you were transitioning/not natally male? Not likely. And if you did every guy on T would hunt you down and want to know your brand. The timeline is just longer than that. So there's not a point in making that a demand. You'd utilize time better to start school , start transition asap but not barring starting, and instead think of being stealth AFTER college. Couple great things about college:

a ) college is not like high school. Peeps DON'T keep up with what other people are doing in their lives. They're too busy focusing on themselves and THEIR degree.

b ) the new people you're looking forward to meeting likely will come from a miriad of backgrounds. The mere interaction of so many backgrounds and points of view makes that pool of people (often) more likely to be more open minded.

c ) while peeps from high school eventually become topics of distant memory and everyone speaks about that, a lot of peeps from college will as well. There will be very few who you actually keep up with and so their judgements about your transition are not "life controlling".

d ) this isn't so much about college but life. Although stealth is a way that transmen live. Even in that there is still the doctor. Some doctor even if its the one you have to see to be hired, will be aware that you transitioned. It will be a thing to be "managed".

[Guest Darrel]

Go to college. Transition while you go.

Most colleges go by quarters/semesters anyway. Every 3~6 months you'll see completely different people. You can also transition in between years.

Getting a good education is much more important than transitioning right this second. And when you're 18, will you even need their consent to do it?