Hi?

[Guest st.john]

i'm not sure i'm in the right place or not ... i've reccently begun questioning whether or not i might be transgendered. i'm a bit overwhelmed & confused by the whole thing; a lot of what i have read about seems right, but at the same time, i'm rather terrified of the sort of judgements i would face from my family & friends & particularly my boyfriend. i'm still attracted to men ... i think there's just this part of me that really would rather be one.

basically i'm just looking for anyone to talk to who has been through something like this and would be willing to share their advice & experiences on how to deal with it. i have broached the topic with a couple of my closest online friends, who have all been supportive, but encouraged me to find other people in a similar position to talk to instead.

[Guest Just_Call_Me_Nick]

You have come to right place for support....all you need to do is ask the questions you have in your mind...there is no worries here....we all been there at some point...I know I have....

Just click send... or Post...you will have a friend either way...

Nick~

[Guest Rika-chama]

Welcome to the forums We're all here to help so don't be afraid to ask us any questions.

Ni-paa~

[Guest st.john]

Thank you both for the welcome. It means a lot to know there are people willing to listen, and I do hope that I'm not wasting your time with something that might just be a phase or something I've talked myself into. :/

I guess it would make some sense for me to explain a bit about what I'm confused about. I'm 23, I can remember as far back as middle school preferring to wear boys' or masculine clothes. (I'm kind of small-ish, so most of the time know I have to buy things in boys' or young men's sizes.) At my father's insistence, my hair was extremely long until my senior year of high school ... I cut it then, and it's been getting shorter ever since. I never liked to wear much make-up (only started to because my mum claimed I needed to start being 'grown-up' and not so much like a kid), but have abandoned the practice again of late. I've had body-image issues for as long as I can remember, but particularly after puberty I really started to despise the way I looked (possibly due to the whole hips & chest thing???) I'm not sure though, if I'm actually transgendered, or I just think I would appear more attractive as a male? (Probably not sexually, due to the fact that most people claim I look more like a 14 or 15 year old boy than an man my own age - not that I mind overmuch, I'm used to being physically repulsive. lol.)

A lot of my interests tend to be on the masculine side as well - I do a lot of role-play games on the internet, and most people I chat with tend to assume from speaking to me under a non-gender-specific screen-name that I am a guy. Recently, I've stopped correcting them, and actually encouraged this to a large degree. (It's amazing how much more respect I get when people assume I have a penis!) There's always a secret little thrill whenever I get 'sir'ed' in public.

I never dated until college; I never really got along well with most girls my age, and really wanted nothing more than to just be 'one of the guys' ... however, going to school in rural north carolina, most of the guys were content just to label me a 'femme-cup cake' or a 'a small levee' and wanted nothing to do with me because they thought I was just too weird. I met my current boyfriend when I was 18, and we've been together ever since. He is the sweetest, kindest, most understanding person in the world, and has put up with a *lot* of rubbish from me. He's absolutely the best friend I have ever had, and I'm not sure where I would be without him. However, he is understandably disturbed & threatened when I make comments such as "I wish I was a man", "If I could, I would choose to have a penis", or when I comment about hating my chest & wishing it wasn't there. I've vaguely hinted at the fact I might be transgendered, but he was very creeped out. He claims he's ok w/ me wearing what I want and cutting my hair really short, but if I tried anything like hormones or other permanent cosmetic changes, he couldn't love me anymore. The problem is, I would still very much be in love with him. I'm still attracted to guys (sorry ladies, you just do absolutely nothing for me), but at the same time, I want to be one.

Sex is ... weird. I never liked regular intercourse, and more often than not it's really painful. (Have talked to a doctor about this & they claim there's no physical reason for it, & think it's just all in my head.) Have recently talked the BF into experimenting w/ having sex the way men do, and found it much more enjoyable, even pleasurable, which is kind of a new concept for me! lol.

I've moved to NYC very recently, because I want to pursue a career in comic book writing & publishing; unfortunately I had to leave the BF on the west coast. (we're still together, just long-distance now.) In a lot of ways I feel like I am deceiving him, because I have started to experiment even further w/ a more masculine appearance - binding my chest (which really hurts b/c I'm not sure I'm doing it properly!), not shaving my legs or underarms, and stuffing the front of my boxers. The one thing I cannot change is my voice (maybe part of why I hate the phone), because I definitely sound very feminine. (Even worse is the accent - I can fake a passable american one, but it just doesn't sound right. My regular voice supposedly sounds more Aussie than anything (was born in the UK, moved to the southern US when 5), but it's just something else that draws unwanted attention to myself.)

I know everyone's first suggestion is always to find a therapist, but I have to say that I am *extremely* wary of this, as I have had some horrific experiences with pschologists in the past. My mum insists it's something I talk myself into, and just my personality, but I have been told by countless other people that I'm clinically depressed. I don't know if that's true or not, but when I was in college, I was ... 'coerced' into therapy, and ended up on a lot of medications (in kind of ridiculously high doses) that I feel did me more harm than good, to the point where I was just spending days in bed crying, and contemplating suicide. (Have since learned that it's not all that uncommon for anti-depressants to have this kind of effect on people.) Eventually had to just go against doctor's orders & quit taking everything cold-turkey & stop going to therapy before I started to feel anything like myself again (whoever that is. lol.) It seemed to me like they were much more interested in just writing another prescription & upping the doses on the meds than actually helping me figure out *why* I had the thoughts & feelings I did.

Of course, an added obstacle is the fact that I am presently unemployed & uninsured. So therapy of any sort is pretty much out of the question right now.

I'm sorry this post is so drastically long. I guess I am just trying to work everything out in my head. A lot of things seem to match up with what little I am aware of regarding being transgendered, but at the same time, I don't know enough to know if that's really the case, or if I'm just trying to escape from myself, the same way I do with my writing & role-playing. Is this someone I want to be, or is it a very elaborate costume? I'm definitely not ready to discuss this at all with my family, who I don't think would be very accepting of it. Likewise, I'm kind of terrified of my boyfriend's reaction. I know at this point I'm not ready to contemplate anything as irreversable as hormones or surgery, because while I am not happy with the way I am now, my biggest fear is that I still would be unhappy afterwards ... and in the process have lost all the people I love & care about.

Ok, I am most definitely going to shut the hell up now. Just, if anyone has been through anything similar to what I am dealing with, and would be willing to talk about it, I would really like some help & guidance on where to go from here. I much prefer IMs & stuff to big forums like this (because it helps prevent me from rabmling like an idiot), so in time, I would love to try to meet some friends that way who can sympathize with my fear & confusion right now. Thanks. And again, my sincere apologies for the rant.

[Guest Mani]

Welcome to the site! I'm sure you will find some friends and answers here.

[Guest Drew]

welcome to the site there is a chat feature on here somewhere, people there could probably help you alot.

Drew

[Petra Jane]

welcome to the site there is a chat feature on here somewhere, people there could probably help you alot.

Drew

Yep, link at top of each page!

[Guest Just_Call_Me_Nick]

Hello there and welcome to the forum....great place to meet some great friends!

Nick~