Uncertainty

[Guest My_Genesis]

How do you all deal with uncertainty? I myself like to have a plan, or at least a general layout of how my life will pan out. Of course, one day I want to be able to be a "fully functional" male and I continue to tell myself that one day it will be possible for me to do that. If no one else figures out how, I will figure it out if only for myself. But the uncertainty kills me. It's like, how do I know how long it will be? I at least want to know how long I need to wait - 10, 20, even 40 years? And how will the amount of time I wait affect my life? I want to just be able to live my life and not feel like I'm just waiting for the "perfect" body before I can fully enjoy life. I hope after transitioning I will "forget" that I'm trans as a lot of people seem to do, but I worry that for me it may only be a temporary solution til technology improves. I feel as though I need some sort of guideline or timeline so that I can plan my life around how long it will take.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you deal with uncertainty? "Go with the flow" doesn't always work for me.

[Guest]

I've been on the "go with the flow" bandwagon for a long time - in fact it's easy to get nothing done while flowing along. Life can be pretty groovy but that's all you get! So, I understand the need for goals and schedules. But not for me! I always tell myself that it's because of external circumstances, like I have to wait for x before y can start. so I'm good at waiting...

We should probably do some sci-fi brain meld. It would probably help both of us!

Love, Kat

[Guest BeckyTG]

I have no idea what "fully functional" means, but this man can write his name in the snow.... :

http://www.saljournal.com/news/Story/sallans

He sure fills my definition of "fully functional".

I hope this helps. The wait may be over.

Becky

[Guest Evan_J]

Of course I know the "technicalities " you speak of , but I label them in my mind as just that. Maybe thats part of my way of being able to live without those things? And its not as if I don't "really really wish I could be 'perfect' " I just know a person can do it and be alright in part because of the existence of peeps who are. Just yesterday I ran into a friend who shares several mutual friends. One of whom is a transguy. In the course of the convo was the usual "hey you seen so-and-so? how're they doing?" to which the answer was "oh, he got a new girlfriend". That little scraplet says "transguys get girlfriends just like everybody else if they want that." Sometimes (surgical/physical stuff aside) what we don't get (dates, s/o's, time off having fun with a few friends) we don't get cuz we don't pursue it. We sit playing out how "we couldn't have anyway" in our heads to keep us from having to venture out. And I'm guilty of it as much as anybody else. The guy with the new girlfriend was guilty of it at times too. I distinctly remember him commenting that he was "still with his ex (back then) but maybe if he thought he could get someone better he wouldn't be". Guess what? Apparently he could have all along cuz he certainly has someone else now. So I think there's a certain amount of actually going out and at least taking a step involved.

Just .02

[Guest My_Genesis]

I have no idea what "fully functional" means, but this man can write his name in the snow.... :

http://www.saljournal.com/news/Story/sallans

He sure fills my definition of "fully functional".

I hope this helps. The wait may be over.

Becky

That part of it is a good thing, being able to "write your name in the snow." But I was mainly referring to the "perfect" surgery, where we can have the full set of organs of the opposite sex. I want to be able to father a child one day (even though right now I don't think I'm parent material, I at least want the option to be available, and no way do I want to store up eggs for that, the thought of me reproducing as a "female", even in vitro, freaks me out.) I want to know what it feels like to be fully male physically. And like I said, I feel that transitioning is only a temporary solution to the problem. I just don't want to spend half my life thinking about how things should be vs. how they really are. It's depressing and I'd rather just go on and think about other things and live my life.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I think the way I relate to this is with a Clint Eastwood quote from a Dirty Harry movie.....

"A man's gotta know his limitations!"

(and a woman, too....)

There are just some things that we'll never achieve as Trans folks...MTF or FTM and I think the sooner we accept those limitations, the sooner we can be happy....or as close to it as possible.....

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest My_Genesis]

I think the way I relate to this is with a Clint Eastwood quote from a Dirty Harry movie.....

"A man's gotta know his limitations!"

(and a woman, too....)

There are just some things that we'll never achieve as Trans folks...MTF or FTM and I think the sooner we accept those limitations, the sooner we can be happy....or as close to it as possible.....

LOVE

Donna Jean

Maybe I don't know exactly what the limitations are and that's why I have trouble accepting it? Who's to say technology won't catch up to what we would all love to have (to function biologically as the sex of our choosing), and then perhaps I will resent the fact that it did not happen sooner, and think about how my life could have been so much better had the medical technology been developed at an earlier time.

[Guest Evan_J]

no way do I want to store up eggs for that, the thought of me reproducing as a "female", even in vitro, freaks me out.) I want to know what it feels like to be fully male physically.

I get you bro. And I know a good portion of what you're feelin I speculate. Between the ages of ...ummmm....28 and 35 I probably could have stood thinking about having someone else carry those eggs. I used to always say (when peeps would ask when or why I didn't have kids) "I will. As soon as I find the woman thats going to have em for me. " For me it was always that I was "the man", the father, seeking the woman that would have my children for me. Just like any man. When one of my exes reached the point that she broke down, cried , and had an entire episode around the fact that she wanted to be the woman to do just that, the particulars - the real mechanics- of it being accomplished brought out all the thousand reasons of why this and that suggestion was not going to work for me.

I was just like you. In the end, nothing was really "ok" except me being able to impregnate her.

After that and growing older (and perhaps having learned that about myself then, that nothing else but that was going to "do") I knew that having the eggs and all that was wasted. That there wasn't anything I was willing to do that direction.

Sure when I was married it was tossed around but soon on I'd discovered that my wife was not someone I wanted to entrust the development of my children to . She wasn't pro-birth anyway. She always argued for adoption. Still I didn't want to raise a child with her.

Anyway (cuz I'm digressing) I get you. I feel you. I know that if it were a perfect existance (and for those wonderin , when he says "fully functional" he means non-mechanically assisted erection, sperm and semen production, full sensation throughout a typical size penis, and full ejaculation. I know this cuz I been readin MyGens stuff for a while ) I would likely father a child.

[wow I didn't know I was gonna write that]<-- I been on the even if it were a perfect existance train, I might be too old to want to do the whole small-kid thing.

But yeah, I would. What the [heck]

STILL, for you, young, youthful , whole world ahead of you....I get that you are lookin for the day when medical technology catches up . Don't blame you. HOWEVER you do have to live right now. Whichever parts of the whole you can live out. Live. Worry about "all" later. You can't put the entire dinner on hold just because you don't have bread rolls.

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

How do you all deal with uncertainty? I myself like to have a plan, or at least a general layout of how my life will pan out. Of course, one day I want to be able to be a "fully functional" male and I continue to tell myself that one day it will be possible for me to do that. If no one else figures out how, I will figure it out if only for myself. But the uncertainty kills me. It's like, how do I know how long it will be? I at least want to know how long I need to wait - 10, 20, even 40 years? And how will the amount of time I wait affect my life? I want to just be able to live my life and not feel like I'm just waiting for the "perfect" body before I can fully enjoy life. I hope after transitioning I will "forget" that I'm trans as a lot of people seem to do, but I worry that for me it may only be a temporary solution til technology improves. I feel as though I need some sort of guideline or timeline so that I can plan my life around how long it will take.

Can anyone relate to this? How do you deal with uncertainty? "Go with the flow" doesn't always work for me.

I do not know how similar my experience is to what you are feeling

but I hope it helps

in high school and just after I spent a lot of time trying to talk myself out of being trans

the thing I told myself the most was that a "frankenp**sy" is not real enough

I told myself that I didn't want to be cut up to look like a woman

I want to be a real woman

and because that was not possible

I should try harder at being male...

the reason I did this (NOW I figure it out!...)

is because I was scared to move forward

it is easier to be trapped than it is to get free

for me perfection was just an excuse for being too afraid to be myself

my point is that you shouldn't let the lack of a perfect solution hold you back from doing what you can and being who you are right now

[Guest My_Genesis]

I know that if it were a perfect existance (and for those wonderin , when he says "fully functional" he means non-mechanically assisted erection, sperm and semen production, full sensation throughout a typical size penis, and full ejaculation. I know this cuz I been readin MyGens stuff for a while )

Yes, that's EXACTLY what I mean.

You can't put the entire dinner on hold just because you don't have bread rolls.

Good way to think about it. I have a tendency to think in black and white. That's one of my weaknesses for sure. I just hope the bread rolls come eventually

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Yes My Gen has been here a few times before - an old friend to all of us!

I don't know if this helps, or is even relevant.

"Life is what happens while you are making plans."

Like everyone here I feel like I have been 'cheated' somehow - I mean I am a woman, why didn't I get a female body? DARN DANG DAMITTODIDDLY

Uncertainty? I would say it's the unnecessary 'waiting' that gets to me! I am in transition - but WHY IS IT SOOOO SLOOOOW?

I think I know what's gonna happen - what I hope will happen - but like anything we hope for it always seems to turn out a little different, somehow. I just hope it's a good different.

HOPE? Maybe that's an answer of sorts.

All over the place here!

Lizzy

[Guest Evan_J]

Yes, that's EXACTLY what I mean.

Good way to think about it. I have a tendency to think in black and white. That's one of my weaknesses for sure. I just hope the bread rolls come eventually

Its gonna be alright. It is. They grew a trachea. Its gonna be alright. And as far as the breadroll analogy: I've been to red lobster, those rolls can come anytime they want to and its still good Sure you'd like em at the beginning but when they show and you eat em you get to be satisfied.

PLUS whenever I bring up bottom surgery my doc always says "Waaaait for them to catch up to you"....something about the way he says it is as if he's privy to some knowledge I don't know.

[Guest My_Genesis]

Its gonna be alright. It is. They grew a trachea. Its gonna be alright. And as far as the breadroll analogy: I've been to red lobster, those rolls can come anytime they want to and its still good Sure you'd like em at the beginning but when they show and you eat em you get to be satisfied.

PLUS whenever I bring up bottom surgery my doc always says "Waaaait for them to catch up to you"....something about the way he says it is as if he's privy to some knowledge I don't know.

Wow, thanks Evan. I know they've grown a trachea lol but like I said it's the uncertainty. I'm a science major and I just sit there and think about all the technicalities, like "How are we going to get a Y chromosome w/o immune problems if we weren't born with a Y chromosome?" And it's the uncertainty of HOW it's going to happen, that's another part of it. Will they get it perfect or will it just be close but not quite?

Something that concerns me is you know Anthony Atala, the dude that's been growing penises on rabbits after castrating them? He is now moving on to humans and he said that the technique can't be used on ftms because we "don't have the right cells." :/ As I've mentioned in other posts I think I might have a prostate (and this isn't wishful thinking, it's a tangible suspicion lol) and I hope that maybe they will be able to grow all the other stuff from there, and that maybe that part of me DOES have the right cells/chromosomes Like I said, technicalities.

That's cool that your doc said that though. I hope he does know something we don't...

[Guest Amanda joan]

Dear My_Genesis,

I understand your struggle. The mental journey is also a tough one.

Try as I might the male voices in my brain get me all mixed up at times.

Also I was talking with my GT last month and she said that although SRS has been around a long time the is still allot of debate in the Physoclogical community as to whether or not it is the solution that best manages the problem.

What I got from that is ; we have no guarantees' that we will be ride of our gender discomfort after we have had the surgery even if everything works the way we want it to.

I feel like a Transgendered woman now and I expect to feel that way after I have had every surgery there is to have.

What we all need to except is that being who we are is okay!

We can do whatever we want to make ourselves more comfortable. There is counciling, medication and surgery. Which one comes first? What is the best combination for me? How will I know when I am done. When will I be excepted by everyone that I love and live with in this world?

What's really important is to find a way to fall in love with who you are. Stop hating yourself. You are wonderful deep down inside. Let that come to the surface and find others to share that love with. When you are surrounded by people who love you, you can do more than you could ever hope to do alone. I can feel completely femanine while I am on the phone with my boyfriend or when I am puting on my make-up.

You can do the same. Let your mind take you to the places you want to be and enjoy that space in your mind where you can be exactley who you know you are ment to be.

I know this can start to sound way too deep for some people.

It works for me and believe me, I know what it is to want what you want. I also know that I don't have unlimited resources to try many different things on the hope that they will be the solution to my problems.

I hope this is helpful.

Live life out load. You will encounter much pain but, you will recieve much more love and satisfaction that you can ever imagine. I have pushed my life to the limit. I have streched my neck out many times and had some crazy experiences. Some I have shared here others I have not. I have learned allot about what it is that I really need in life. You will do the same if you are willing to go out and find the answers to some of your questions.

Peace & Love Amanda