I'm Not Ready To Crumble

[Guest Amanda joan]

Life is a funny ride. Sometimes it makes you laugh and sometime you need a good cry.

I have been really high and really low in the last three weeks.

The BFH or my wonderful ex-Wife has been making me crazy, my son still does not want to see me but, he is starting to work towards that happening. I sent off an ill-advised E-mail to someone that I need to keep happy and is a customer of mine. I also got a speeding ticket in Virginia. Not that it's good to get them in other states but, they seem to take great joy in draining your bank account in any way they can.

The good stuff is more interesting. Mom has embraced me as a woman and so have many other members of my family. None of them live in Maryland but, it is truly wonderful to have your Mother tell you that you look gorgeous in a dress. I have found a wonderful man that loves to spend time with me and treats me like a lady and truly respects me for who I and and has said that he wants to be with me as I go through my transition. He has introduced me to his friends and his father. His Dad is 92 years old and he has asked me if I have ever done any modeling. I have been taken out to very nice restaurants by Bill and he gave me earrings for Valentines Day, really nice ones with real Blue Amethyst gems. He tells me that I'm beautiful and always compliments me on the way that I am dressed. He tells me that he misses me when we don't get to spend time together. We can talk on the phone and it feels like he really cares about me and what I have to say. He goes out of his way to make sure that I know that he would rather be with me than anyone else.

I have transitioned to my Church family and they have been supportive. I know this is not usually the case and I thank God for this special group of people. I served on the Altar last Sunday and administered the Chalice to more than half the congregation and they all recieved me with great dignity and grace. Every week more and more people want to know what I am doing and what they should be calling me know. The last three Sundays I have been at Church, I have been one of the last people to leave coffee Hour, because I have been involved in great conversations with wonderful people who care about me. They say things like I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you and do you have enough support? And are there people that you can talk to when you are having a bad day? They ask me if there is anything they can do for me? I always tell them the same thing and that is " what I need from you is your friendship". That makes them smile and they usually say well I can do that!

I am getting teary eyed now.

I hope that my news is something that you can accept. I know that the journey that many of us are on is filled with dark days and sadness. I have them and accept that they are part of my transition. Being on Estrogen only makes it more challengeing. I think this is all part of becoming a woman. I do not wish to be a girl or a teenager who spends all her time trying on sexy clothes and trying to look provocative to others. I wish to be a woman. I am not there yet. I am working on it. I feel like I am getting closer but, it is like climbing a mountain. It is a hard climb and there are many difficult obstacles to get past. Ther is the risk that we will forget stop and see how far we have come or we forget that we have a beautiful world all around us. Then we miss the importance of life's journey. The view from were I want to be can only be fully enjoyed if I stop to look at the beauty of where I am now as I am working to get there.

Well, I hope I have made my point without be too preachy. I have recently put myself through a hellish couple of days. I was unable to see through the darkness I was in. That led me to a very dangerous place, one that I do not wish to talk about or ever visit again. I feel rather silly now. I only had to take a small step to the side to see around the darkness I was in. My friends got me to see that new path. Sometimes people will ask me where do you meet these people? The people in my life are good friends. They are that way because I am that way with them. If you broadcast positive loving energy, it comes back to you. I have felt an awsome level of love in the last 24 hours. I had the good sense to reach out and let my friends know that I was in a dark and painful place. They lifted me up and helped me. They showed me the positive things in my life. I feel blessed to have these friends. Many of you have been a part of that group of good friends. Thank you for your loving kindness.

Peace & Love Amanda

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Sweetheart

Of course you are not going to crumble. You are human and living life. You are relearning (you know what I mean).

Know that you are loved by many people. I am one of those people

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest ChalenAustin]

I hope that my news is something that you can accept. I know that the journey that many of us are on is filled with dark days and sadness. I have them and accept that they are part of my transition. Being on Estrogen only makes it more challengeing. I think this is all part of becoming a woman. I do not wish to be a girl or a teenager who spends all her time trying on sexy clothes and trying to look provocative to others. I wish to be a woman. I am not there yet. I am working on it. I feel like I am getting closer but, it is like climbing a mountain. It is a hard climb and there are many difficult obstacles to get past. Ther is the risk that we will forget stop and see how far we have come or we forget that we have a beautiful world all around us. Then we miss the importance of life's journey. The view from were I want to be can only be fully enjoyed if I stop to look at the beauty of where I am now as I am working to get there.

I wanted to highlight this part right here bc I believe it tis one of if not the most important part of transition.

Dear Amanda,

You were not preachy! In fact it was a wonderful message to send!

You will never forgot the journey and how you've reached your destination no matter where you are in time with it.

You are a beautiful person and even writing this part shows that you are so beautiful and have a truly special understanding of who you are and where you are on your way to getting there.

It's really something to read. You will never ever have to go back to that place your were at before.

I was there as were many of our brothers and sisters, and aunts and uncles here.

And you will never go back, have faith in trust in that.

It sounds like you have a really beautiful super group and network of souls who truly care about you and everything will be fine.

Don't think you will be a woman. Please, know that you already are! You're just adding some more polish to the stunning woman you alreay are, and getting closer to done every second!

I am gald to know that you have so many who love you.

And how true and pure a love it is.

Peace and big bear huggs!

Chalen

[Carolyn Marie]

Dear Amanda:

You have no idea how good it makes me feel to see you get back on your feet and back in control of things, which is where you have always been

and where you belong. You are a remarkable woman who has so much to give to the Community, your family, your church, and your friends.

You can and you have already made a difference, including the time you've spent here. Only one who is unselfish and caring would give so

much of herself.

You mountain climbing analogy is very apt. When climbing, one inevitably falls or slips a bit now and again and loses ground. The trick is learning

where those slippery slopes lay, and picking a new and safer route on the next attempt. You've done that, and found the safer route. It doesn't

mean there won;t be more slips, but as you gain experience, you learn how to anticipate the rough spots.

I've watched you learn and grow into a wonderful woman. Know that I'll be there the rest of the way, as I know you'll be there for me.

It's an honor to call you a friend of mine.

Love

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Girl Emily]

Amanda,

I am so happy things are going well for you, generally. I am beyond overjoyed that you have found a church that is filledd with people willing to step outside their comfort zone and embrace you.

I am trying to ascertain the position of my parents church before i come out to them and have been hitting a wall. However, the Christian college I attended for two years is super supportive in facilitating my return for my senior year while doing m first year full-time. My advisor has been just incredible in arranging everything including my name change on records.

Your doing wonderful, Yea!!!

Huggs,

[Guest Donna Jean]

Amanda,

Honey, I know that it's been rocky for you......made me feel just awful....

But you have what it takes and I can see you back on top again...

You've taken some hard knocks, but I think that overall, you have a grip on it now....

Continued success, Dear

Love

Donna Jean