Anyone Else Here Adopted?

[Guest thefireship]

Here's my dilemma. I've just come out to my parents. Mom insists that how I feel is a direct result of something she's read up on called "adoption trauma." (I'm 32, on my own but me and the 'rents stay in pretty regular contact and currently live within the same area.)

Now, I can get behind the theory, sure. I mean, who knows what goes on in the brain of an infant who is removed from the biological mother after hearing her voice and getting used to her general rhythm of being. To further the possibility of being jarred on such a level, a lot of adopted infants are temporarily placed in a foster home (for me, it was 5 weeks) before being officially handed over to the parents who had been set up to adopt them.

Apparently, there's some book out there that my mother picked up years ago. I can't remember the title off-hand, but she's asking that I read it. I told her I would and will probably have it tomorrow. It isn't so much that she's making me DOUBT my feelings about myself. However, she is making me wonder about causes, so I've been reading up. I ran into a number of theories revolving around chemicals happening during pregnancy, the time of birth and possibly a bit afterward. That got me thinking... Could there be a link to adopted kids and being transgender? Could the stress of the bio-mother (who knows she's not going to see the child she's carrying after that child is born) have been a factor?

I mean, I know I can't really get solid answers anywhere. The studies I've been reading up on pretty much say they've not gotten so far as to prove, or disprove, anything.

I say its certainly possible but I don't see how me going to therapy for adoption issues will really help me out much as far as wanting to be a man. :/ This is where I am stuck.

Its like... Okay. Let's say I do have signs of this mysterious adopted trauma. She read off a few of the "signs" of this trauma to me when I came out to her and I'll bold what I feel can apply to myself: gender identity issues, low self esteem, a sense of not belonging with the family, feeling different, separation anxiety, trust issues, rebellious tendencies, dissociation tendencies, the sense of having to "be perfect".. This list, I'm sure, goes on. These are just the things she read off to me.

I'll tell you I was surprised that gender was listed in there at all, which was why I went on a research rampage to find out why. That is how I came across the studies I mentioned previously. But these aren't things written in-stone on the scientific level yet this book she's got seems to be calling it such. Thing is, either way, does this not simply come around to me being in the same place that I am now?

The book flat out says that the effects of the adoption trauma will be with the infant for the rest of his or her life. They can simply learn to cope with it. I've coped with much of what I highlighted (though wasn't coping under the thought that they were adoption related, I just knew I had some things going on that I needed to work on) and continue to do so.

It was through this line up of things I knew I had to work on that I eventually found my way around to Laura's. The gender identity seemed like such a big thing. I decided to work on everything else FIRST as they seemed much more doable on my own. Finally, without my really wanting it to, the gender identity crisis blasted through to the foreground like a brick to the head.

This is the point in which I knew I couldn't just keep going around it anymore. This is when I really allowed myself to accept this and do some research. I cannot begin to express my relief. Light after light was turn on. It was.. quite a whirlwind those first couple of weeks. A lot of other things about me resurfaced during this time too. It was as if my brain was telling me. FINALLY, you get it. Now we're going to REALLY tackle all those other things you'd thought you'd gotten really far with. (I confess, this was a time of harsh humility too. It made me regret pushing this back time and time again.) Once I settled and let this part of me be seated within my mind where it should have been all along its as if I "talk to myself less" or something. Now? I just talk. The space between my true self and my face has lessened significantly. It was no easy thing though. I went through feeling very raw and exposed. I'm still dealing with that, but I'm happy to. Its like the difference between narrating one's life as things go on and actually being a player in it.

But back to the whole adoption thing...

I came out to the parents after I was over the extreme rawness. I needed time to settle and let the strength brew. I had no idea I'd tell them so quickly, but I held it off as long as I could. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I just did it. Huge relief that it was, its brought this new problem.

They believe it's fixable if I go in and talk to someone about adoption. Frankly, I have no idea WHAT to tell someone about my adopted status if I went in and did this. I would be willing to see someone. But has this thought about adoption and abandonment really made me feel any different about myself? Nope.

Before I get off on yet ANOTHER tangent of thought, let me pose the question I can here to ask.

Has anyone else here had to tackle parents who believe so strongly in the link between this and adoption? Parents who believe that by seeing someone about adoption would somehow make this all go away? Like.. Are they in denial? Heh, am I in denial? (To be fair, I feel like I should ask this.)

I mean, I would hate to think I got this DEEP with everything in my life only to have it ripped apart... AGAIN. And unlike before I simply cannot fathom it. I feel so there with myself right now its hard to wrap my head around having somehow missed the target that bad. :S Before accepting myself, the thoughts of it were always there. The "target" was like an option I was intentionally not looking at. I didn't want to look at it. It would mean having to do so many things I was afraid of doing, like getting really REAL with my folks. Outside of that, other fears felt insignificant and doable. Now that I've crossed that big fear and told them, I see no other "target" around to even aim for. This whole adoption train feels like it would be a massive "wrong turn" for me right now. I could look at it, yes, but I feel like I've got to not stop looking into being transgendered too. Its too pressing on me now. I've GOT myself now and I do not want to let go of me ever again.

*pulls the topic back from going into venting-land*

So... If being adopted as an infant really is such a strong factor here.. Where are all the other adopted kids who're trans? (Comon, help a brother out here! Surely I am not the only legit lost boy on the island! Sorry, couldn't help it. Seriously though, where's the tree ya'll are hiding out in!)

Or.. Has anyone here ever witnessed people who were adopted, come here like me only to leave and write off what they thought was real to themselves, believing instead that what they felt was just because they were adopted and has issues with it they weren't looking at before?

Am I scared of being wrong? Of course!

Do I think I'm wrong? Nope.

I mean, this is life changing junk here. I'm trying to remain true to myself while being open to explanations but the pulling my parents are doing to get me off this ride and onto the adoption train feels really BAD. Its as if I've found I loved the Scrambler on the midway and they want me to get off and join them on the Ferris Wheel. :C I just don't wanna go! I am happy here! Dangit. *kicks rock*

This is terribly, unnecessarily long and drawn out. Sorry about that. But yeah, any insight and info from any of you adopted people out there would be awesome. (Hehe.. Wow.. I've never actually sought out other adopted people before in my life. Talk about new territory all over the place!)

- Andre

[Guest Evan_J]

Actually I did have that thought the first time you posted about her having this theory ("So why aren't the rest of us 999,999 FtMs adopted if thats the base") but I didn't say it, cuz I thought it sounded like I was tryin to insult your mom or something. I'm sorry.

Nope, not adopted. Though I often wished I was. I mean really REALLY wished I was lol. To the point that even at 18 going to college I took a pic of some dude I got out of an old book and claimed HE was my father lol. Gave him a name, bio , the whole deal. Said my mom was deceased (*crosses self and doesn't wish terrible things on his mother, God doesn't like that) Now thats sad. But no, pretty much definately not adopted. (though I still cling to the notion of being switched at birth if only in frustration. These people cannot be my parents )

The list you gave.....

gender identity issues, low self esteem, a sense of not belonging with the family, feeling different, separation anxiety, trust issues, rebellious tendencies, dissociation tendencies, the sense of having to "be perfect"

could very well be one that a bunch of peeps can sign on and say "hey I have that " but you hadda choose those things from amongst some others that did not apply to you, correct? So really all you would be proving then is your sameness with other trans folk.

Though you're the first person I've heard talk about adoption/transgender link here on the board, I can tell you that pretty much all of us (esp at the beginning ) didn't just have other people supplying "possible causes" , we likely looked for a zillion ourselves! Most of us want or wanted to be able to understand "why". We wanted a reason. Something to wrestle that was more solid than "we don't know". Whether we were going to try to "fix" what caused it or not, the idea of having a "why" seemed (I'll bet for many of us) like verification that it wasn't something we'd done or were doing. Having a lot of peeps accuse you of "making this all up yourself" will make people search for external reasons. The truth is no one knows "why". It just happens. Like not liking brocoli. Or preferring strawberry to chocolate. The reasearchers do find more consistency in their studies about whether or not its genetic (if I remember right) from FtM subjects but that (in the end) is not helpful since all (only a fraction really) of the total number of "known" transsexuals are FtM. So then where's your theory for the other 999,999 types of transgendered folk? Yes in studying the genetics of transsexuals there seems to be consistent/fairly strong likelihood of transsexualism existing between twins and even more so between identical twins but that may be one of the few "strong" indicators of it being the product of genetics they have to go on.

I dunno. Personally I'm of the belief that all sex variation is somehow genetic and congenital. You should wait for some of the peeps who keep all the numbers and references to sign on

Feel free to use topics as a sounding board and if you want theres a blogging module.

[Guest thefireship]

Actually I did have that thought the first time you posted about her having this theory ("So why aren't the rest of us 999,999 FtMs adopted if thats the base") but I didn't say it, cuz I thought it sounded like I was tryin to insult your mom or something. I'm sorry.

Haha, its all good. I kept wondering, waiting to see if any other adopted peeps would unearth themselves in my post about her theories. As far as I know, no one jumped up and started flailing about knowing where I'm coming from in that regard.

Nope, not adopted. Though I often wished I was. I mean really REALLY wished I was lol. To the point that even at 18 going to college I took a pic of some dude I got out of an old book and claimed HE was my father lol. Gave him a name, bio , the whole deal. Said my mom was deceased (*crosses self and doesn't wish terrible things on his mother, God doesn't like that) Now thats sad. But no, pretty much definately not adopted. (though I still cling to the notion of being switched at birth if only in frustration. These people cannot be my parents )

Man. I was so alright with being adopted that whenever I'd see people with less-than-great childhood situations I was always like... "Dang. Too bad they couldn't have been adopted." Of course, I'd never say that to them, but I grew up feeling lucky to have been taken into a home that not only wanted me, but had made themselves prepared for being parents.

The list you gave.....

could very well be one that a bunch of peeps can sign on and say "hey I have that " but you hadda choose those things from amongst some others that did not apply to you, correct? So really all you would be proving then is your sameness with other trans folk.

You just hit the nail on the head in all manner of ways. Lot of the things she read off to me, I've seen pop up around here too. I found it interesting, but also frustrating. I feel like I have no other thing to go into these talks with her about the subject other than expressing how I KNOW I feel. And I hate using that. I don't like coming off as KNOWing anything as truth, especially to her. I just.. know how I feel, how long its been with me and how powerful a thing it was to take that deep breath, let myself say, "I'm a man." for the first time with solidity. I waited for that funny feeling, the unease of "wrongness" that would come, and has in past explorations in other areas of my life when I've been on the wrong track, to strike at me but I was met with an internal silence that I could swear god heard. (You'll have to excuse me, I tend to describe things all funky... I ain't smart enough for dollar words.) It was like feeling the base drop so low it couldn't be heard but one's entire body was suddenly upright to an alert, very alive, state. The world suddenly, felt HUGE while I felt capable.

Though you're the first person I've heard talk about adoption/transgender link here on the board, I can tell you that pretty much all of us (esp at the beginning ) didn't just have other people supplying "possible causes" , we likely looked for a zillion ourselves! Most of us want or wanted to be able to understand "why". We wanted a reason. Something to wrestle that was more solid than "we don't know". Whether we were going to try to "fix" what caused it or not, the idea of having a "why" seemed (I'll bet for many of us) like verification that it wasn't something we'd done or were doing. Having a lot of peeps accuse you of "making this all up yourself" will make people search for external reasons. The truth is no one knows "why". It just happens. Like not liking brocoli. Or preferring strawberry to chocolate. The reasearchers do find more consistency in their studies about whether or not its genetic (if I remember right) from FtM subjects but that (in the end) is not helpful since all (only a fraction really) of the total number of "known" transsexuals are FtM. So then where's your theory for the other 999,999 types of transgendered folk? Yes in studying the genetics of transsexuals there seems to be consistent/fairly strong likelihood of transsexualism existing between twins and even more so between identical twins but that may be one of the few "strong" indicators of it being the product of genetics they have to go on.

Looked for all manner of causes myself? Naaaaaah! Not me! If I were a cat and the old saying were true, I'd be on one of my higher lives by now, if not already dead. I've run along the sidewalk of personal history, looking at each cement panel, scrutinizing it. Was it adoption? Was it my shyness? Was it the creepy old guy down the street? Was it the tricky abusive crap from that "friend" in my high school years? Is it that my being an artist that makes me somehow predisposed to creatively trying to make a "project" out of my own self? Is it the world's view on women? On men? Was it because I was severely lactose intolerant as an infant? Yeah... Haha. I could probably make up an arguement that it had something to do with my early intake of so much soy about as much as I could apply it to being adopted. ;p

Thing is, no matter the cause, I'm still left sitting here. Lookin' around my room thinking... You know.. no matter if I got here: by plane, train or automobile, I'm still here. Still feelin' like I do. Sitting here with the itch to get on with the "What next already. Bring it!" mentality.

I dunno. Personally I'm of the belief that all sex variation is somehow genetic and congenital. You should wait for some of the peeps who keep all the numbers and references to sign on

Feel free to use topics as a sounding board and if you want theres a blogging module.

I shall indeed wait to see what springs up. Thanks a bunch for putting your thoughts on the matter. I feel much like you do about it. If adoption has anything to do with it, maybe its just that my bio-mama was really really stressed out while I was in the oven. (And from what I've been told? She was in a very stressful situation and environment. Don't think she wanted to put me up for adoption, more like she felt she had to.)

[Guest Leigh]

so...i'm not adopted..but i have to agree with Evan on some things here. first, that list of "adoption trauma" symptoms, i could check all but maybe one or two of those. second, this reeks of all the other "theories" i've heard for why people are trans or gay or anything.

case one, the sexual abuse theory, which i disprove.

case two, the liberal parents challenging society by raising their child to be gay/trans. which, lets be honest, most of us disprove.

it's just another one of those crack-brained theories that someone who is afraid of "different" came up with.

not to say that adopted kids with trauma can't also be trans.. but if it was a direct result of being adopted, why isn't it that everyone here is adopted?

hope that was in any way helpful.

peace&love

leigh

[Guest CharlieRose]

so...i'm not adopted..but i have to agree with Evan on some things here. first, that list of "adoption trauma" symptoms, i could check all but maybe one or two of those. second, this reeks of all the other "theories" i've heard for why people are trans or gay or anything.

case one, the sexual abuse theory, which i disprove.

case two, the liberal parents challenging society by raising their child to be gay/trans. which, lets be honest, most of us disprove.

it's just another one of those crack-brained theories that someone who is afraid of "different" came up with.

not to say that adopted kids with trauma can't also be trans.. but if it was a direct result of being adopted, why isn't it that everyone here is adopted?

Completely agree.

You said it yourself:

I mean, I know I can't really get solid answers anywhere. The studies I've been reading up on pretty much say they've not gotten so far as to prove, or disprove, anything.

Here's the thing about scientific research: If there's a link between something, it's specific, it's demonstrable, and it's repeatable. This "adoption trauma" theory is vague, desperate, and as you said, hasn't been proven to have any weight at all. That list of "symptoms" is so long that anyone who's ever had any problems with their mental health will automatically blame it on their adoption status. That's not how science works.

I'd say: low self esteem, a sense of not belonging with the family, feeling different, separation anxiety, rebellious tendencies, and the sense of having to "be perfect" are things 99% of children, both adopted and not, feel at times. Especially rebellious tendencies, and feeling different. Um, I thought that was called adolescence! And separation anxiety? Every child gets that when they're small.

If there was a link to being adopted and being trans, you'd have found a study that says, "Adopted children are ___ times more likely to suffer gender identity disorder," with a clear number, because it was something actually observed and quantified, not someone just daydreaming and saying, "Hmm, it sure SEEMS like this should happen..." and then being deliberately vague so that it can't be disproven.

Actually, I can think of studies that disprove this theory. Look up studies of children adopted by lesbian and gay couples. I know gender and sexuality-wise, they're statistically identical to children who were not parented by LGBT couples, which I think would include children who were not adopted. Corollary, adopted children (at least those adopted by gay couples) are NOT more likely to be trans.

I don't think your mom's ideas hold any water whatsoever. I think she's grasping at straws. Not to be rude to her or anything, but don't let her get to you. I mean, if you have doubts, by all means see a gender therapist. But she doesn't know what you're going through; she's hardly an expert on adoption or being trans. You don't have to listen to her. I mean, I'm sure she wants what's best for you... But like I said, not to be rude or anything, but she doesn't know what she's talking about. Put your concerns about her to the side for a while, and figure it out for yourself.

Oh, and for the record. I'm not adopted. (But have suffered from 6 of the symptoms of "adoption trauma.")