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I Don't Know What I Am Or What I Can Do About It.


Guest NaomiMaru

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Guest NaomiMaru

I am 16 years old confused transgender male, and I need some major help.

I had a long chat with a friend of mine this afternoon, he was helping me with some stuff, as he usually does. This is what we discussed.

Well, first I thought I might have an STD, so we talked about that first. We figured out that I don't, by the way. Although, I should mention that I have these strange purple scar-like, or indented marks on my thighs. They are smooth and about 2 inches long. There are a few of them on both sides, and I have no idea what they are. If anyone has any idea, feel free to let me know. (But, those purple marks aren't what I thought might be an STD) Anyways, as we were talking about my groin, it steered towards my transgender issues.

It's been nearly a year since I figured I was transsexual or at least transgender. I hate the vagina and find it disgusting. In fact, most of the time it makes me want to retch. I've never seen one in real life, but I've seen enough of it in other, ahem, pictures to know that I don't like it at all. I would be lying if I said I hated the penis in the same way, I don't really mind the penis. The only reason I dislike it is because it is a constant reminder of what the rest of my body looks like, the hairy legs and the body totally void of shape. Ect. The testicles, however, I also find completely disgusting. Just blah. Blah. Hairy wrinkly ew. Breasts, I like. I know I would want breasts. Oh this is so confusing ;_;

Too make matters even more confusing, I know that, whenever I do lose my virginity, I want to be with a guy. I've flip flopped on whether I prefer guys or girls, but I think I have settled that although I do like girls, I prefer guys. And, I want said guy, to be inside me, but most certainly not to be inside the rear end. I enjoy the act of penetration, or at least, I have when I have pleasured myself using toys in that area. But, I don't get any sexual arousal from anal penetration. None at all, 0%. I have to focus on the other area to get anywhere. And I know that I have never been able to get any sexual pleasure at all from penetrating things, like pillows ect. In fact, trying to do so has been more irritating then arousing.

But, I mean, after SRS there is no guarantee that I'll even be able to get any sexual pleasure from the newly formed area. So just what do I do? I must be the most gender and sexually confused person ever. I have no idea what I am going to do. For a year I thought I was just male to female transsexual, simple clear and cut. But now I have no idea, and I just wish it would all go away. I didn't ask for this and all it seems to have done is confuse life even more for me. I don't know if any of it will ever get better. They say you figure things out with time, but it's been a year and I'm already back where I started, and even a little behind where I started.

Please help.

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  • Root Admin

Hello NaomiMaru,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Because you have a lot of confussion about what you are, I'd recommend seeing a gender therapist. He/she can help you find answers to your questions. As for the purple scar like marks. If you think it's something serious, you might want to see a dermatologist to find out what they are. Good luck.

MaryEllen :)

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Guest Mr. Fox

The purple like scar marks are probably stretch marks. And don't rule out the thought of vaginas being disgusting. I thought penises were disgusting for a long time because I didn't really know what they looked like.

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Guest NaomiMaru
Hello NaomiMaru,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Because you have a lot of confussion about what you are, I'd recommend seeing a gender therapist. He/she can help you find answers to your questions. As for the purple scar like marks. If you think it's something serious, you might want to see a dermatologist to find out what they are. Good luck.

MaryEllen :)

I would love to see a gender therapist, but I can't. We don't have the money. My mom knows about my problems, but whether she will actually help me remains to be seen. Either way, I don't know if there even is a gender therapist where I live. A small town in northern Maine. (yeah, the flag under my name is Alaska's flag, because Alaska will always be my home)

The purple like scar marks are probably stretch marks. And don't rule out the thought of vaginas being disgusting. I thought penises were disgusting for a long time because I didn't really know what they looked like.

Yeah, I considered that they were stretch marks. They could be.

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Guest Michelle M

Maybe they are vericose veins? Anyway, good luck with your search for yourself. Take it one day at a time. It's an incredible journey.

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  • Root Admin

Sometimes therapists will work on a case by case, ability to pay basis. You could check this out to see what they have to offer. It's reasonably near to where you live.

MaryEllen :)

Outreach Institute of Gender Studies

126 Western Ave., Ste. 246

Augusta, ME 04330

Ariadne Kane, Director

Conferences and workshops on gender issues, Gender Attitude Reassessment Program (GARP) for health care professionals, clinical supervision for sex educators and counselors, Fantasia Fair, speakers' bureau for meetings and conferences, seminars for couples.

Phone : (207) 621-0858

Publishes: Journal of Gender Studies, information packets, publications, annotated catalogue

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest nonamesleft

I used to think vagina's were nasty myself, and now I can't stop thinking about how much happier I would be with one. I was always a gay boy, but I came to realize that I really feel like a girl. I never had any desire to be humping anything either, which is why I was always the 'girl' with boys anyway. Time and experience will affect and alter your perspective. And having a vagina doesn't mean you have to love vagina's, only that you take care of your's. But you need to remember that if you go down that route, you will never be able to go back, so you better make sure that you don't have any desire to use it or be with a guy or girl that would want you to have one. You would definitely benefit from working with a therapist or at least a support group. I think you need to get a better idea of your own sexuality and desires before making any permanent changes you may come to regret.

And you can't possibly be the most confused person out there, you seem to be getting to know more about what you want, and you perceive new insight as confusion. I wanna go from being a gay boy to a tom boy, going to all the trouble of changing my sex but still passing as a man, so I would say my position is even stranger than yours. But I'm ok with the idea of not fitting into any standard description of what a transsexual or person of a given gender should be like. You need to do what will make you happy, even if not everyone will understand or support you. Don't worry so much and go talk to some caring/knowledgeable people who can help you work through your desires.

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I kinda feel like this, i'm constantly having a pro and con thought process going on in my mind, mainly about, would i be happy?, what would my family and friends think? What about the cost? What about my Education? Would i be any happier as a girl? Sex Reassignment Surgery? (I've seen pictures of the surgery and results and they don't all look very good), anyway i may need to see a therapist myself, as i am pretty confused myself.

Thats just my thought anyway....

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Guest Mr. Fox

My advice would just be to take action on what you are sure about. For example, if you knew you wanted to go on estrogen but were unsure about SRS (sounds like your situation about), you could start on hormones and reflect and think about SRS. Or rather, you probably couldn't, due to your financial situation and presently unhelpful mother. But if you were 18 with enough money, that would be the way to go.

Adrian

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest LouisT
My advice would just be to take action on what you are sure about. For example, if you knew you wanted to go on estrogen but were unsure about SRS (sounds like your situation about), you could start on hormones and reflect and think about SRS. Or rather, you probably couldn't, due to your financial situation and presently unhelpful mother. But if you were 18 with enough money, that would be the way to go.

Adrian

The brain knows. emotions are unstable. Suggest getting in touch with folks with HBS which I recently learned of in being an intersex condition where the brain and body are saying different things.

May want to view a short video having a clinic surgeon who guessed wrong, assigning one to be a female when they developed more into a male and visa versa in later years, you will know at some point so be patient until that time comes.

Have lived my life as a male when I am 47XXY, just work on a balanced an mature mind.

Video:

http://www.box.net/shared/static/hb6py5lw0g.mov

Two of Me

http://www.tscpulpitseries.org/english/min...k/2ofmetot.html

Keep an open mind.

SEXUALITY AND WHOLENESS

http://ldolphin.org/sexrcs.html

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