An Upsetting Realisation About My Sexuality

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

I know lauras playground is for gender issues not sexuality issues but this is very interrelated. I don't know where to put this so I'm putting it here, move it if it's in the wrong place, thanks.

I have realised why I never really find people attractive yet i want a relationship, I'm not asexual. A heterosexual relationship doesn't feel right to me at all. So logically i should be a lesbian and like women right? Well i thought I did until recently, maybe it's a phase though. But what i do enjoy is gay men. But i do not want to have a sex change, I am happy being a woman. But for a while gay men is the only thing appealing to me. That makes no sense. I don't know what to do about it. It is something I can never have. I don't know what the solution is, you probably don't know eiter, i just need to talk and see what every one says. thanks. It really sucks being a complicated person that sees through the norms of "if you are born with female genitalia you are a girl and will like males". Things are not that simple. I wish it could be though.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Tough question, Hon......

But, first off I'd like to quote Lizzy...

"In transsexuality, sexuality has no rules.....it doesn't apply..."

We're all over the place....we all like all sorts of people and often several types at once.....

We love whom we love....

Labels don't apply. We're not binary in any sense.

Our gender and sexuality are fluid.

But a solution? I don't have one. If you fancy gay men, hang out with them and maybe a relationship can come of it.

And, No, Dear......things aren't that simple!

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest unsolvedmystery]

Thanks, and I know fully well that things aren't binary, the only thing i can say about myself lately is that I don't know much about myself haha. Things are changing all the time it seems. A relationship with a gay guy won't work, firstly that means he's not gay, secondly, that is a normal straight relationship, even if we imitate what gay guys do if you know what i mean. That is definitely not why I want it though. The full relationship between two men is just so different compared to straight people or lesbians. I don't know how to explain that, it just is different. I'm very involved in the LGBT community so i see various people togther all the time. Hmm. I'm not making much sense. But thank you any way :-)

[Guest Evan_J]

Ok, let me make sure I've got you (I might not, thats why I check, and it doesn't mean I have answers )....

You thought initially you might want to be "other" than female. If not male then "something" (possibly as a way of understanding why you would desire a gay male) . NOW however you feel pretty confident you like being a woman. So thats settled and can be set aside. Am I right?

Then theres orientation. Which you don't have a clue on. You don't sound as if you'd have personal homophobias cuz you're involved in the lgbt community. So its nothing like that at play. You do not however find straight men, straight women, or lesbian womens relationships attractive. You do think gay males' are attractive though you do not i.d. as any type of male person. Pretty much it?

Well, I don't have any mind startling info that can make you go "aha!" In this case, I have very little personal experience (no friends stories I can draw from or anything....) or even pseudo-scholarly knowledge (an article, study , or anything else). HOWEVER I do know (not a bad topic to research since its applying to someone....) that "it happens" . I have heard (albiet casually and in passing) that there are women who do like/desire gay men. What happens? I dunno. But if its out there and it applies to someone theres something that can be found. Even if its just convo like this on a board. Have you tried the gay/lesbian forums? There are some that host both sexes. And I don't doubt that not only are there cross conversations occuring but stories/fellowshiping with women who feel as you do and even some who've had that experience who might give you insight.

I would however be sure you aren't fetishizing "what a gay relationship is". I notice you didn't say "I think gay men are hot" but rather "how they interact". And, if you are, at least be aware of it so that you can (potentially) be honest about that with a gay man you may desire. (Who am I to say you won't find one who is alright with that?) And then of course, be able to tell him what it is thats desirable/appealing to you. ALL people in the dating game at some point want to know what it is the other person wants

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I rarely find a post I cannot answer. This one is in that catagory?

What is it you like about gay men? Their attitude? I can't see you liking how they make love, but if that is it, you seem to have a sexial fantasy fetish (if there is such a thing).

I have gay male friends and I am a MTF transsexual. They simply do not understand transpeople! They say they are NOT attracted to me at all - that I have the wrong aura?

What does that mean?

Donno

Sorry - I guess this one is beyond me.

lizzy

[aura willow hazel]

hmmm seems complicated, maybe you're attracted to them as rhey are unobtainable, just a thought.

[Guest Girl Emily]

Mystery,

You do pose an interest conundrum. It has been suggested by researchers that females are more fluid in their sexual orientation. As a transwoman I have noticed it in myself and several friends of mine that while associating with lesbian friends predominantly had lesbian relationships, but at other times when friends were largely hetero the had hetero relationships. These were not just experiences but of the 6 month or longer type committed relationships. Heterosexual males may experience gay sex they won't form romantic relationships and gay males may have heterosexual experiences but not romantic relationship. The gay male with homophobia that marries attemps to fool himself as much as others but doesn't form romantic relationship with his wife.

So females sexual orientation is directed to the more emotional and spiritual nature of others and less importants is placed on the body of that individual depending on the social group one derives their values.

After all that discourse, I believe it to be a phase that will pass. People place value on hard to obtain objects and a gay male is pretty unobtainable. Or it could be that your are insecure in your ability to form intimate relationships so you focus on the impossible to avoid them.

Only you dear can say what is true and I pose the above for your further thought.

Huggs,

,

[Guest Evan_J]

Or it could be that your are insecure in your ability to form intimate relationships so you focus on the impossible to avoid them.

Steals this line to ponder about FtMs who say they cannot have romantic relationships until they have a natal male's body.

Hmmm.......

[Guest My_Genesis]

Steals this line to ponder about FtMs who say they cannot have romantic relationships until they have a natal male's body.

Hmmm.......

I'm like that...

[Guest Girl Emily]

Evan & MyGenesis,

I am glad that all those hours listening to Dr. Laura created a little insight into human conditions :-)

Huggs,

[Guest Lynnx]

I married a bisexual gay man. He's very gay, but he does like both. Just a thought.

[Guest Janessa]

I married a bisexual gay man. He's very gay, but he does like both. Just a thought.

How does that one work? o.o *confuzzled* XD

But yeah, do you find them attractive because they are gay, or because of how they make love and their interactions? Like I'm not sure, but if it's more about their interaction and how they make love you may be able to find a straight or bisexual male that you can love. =x

[Guest Lynnx]

How does that one work? o.o *confuzzled* XD

I don't understand your confusion.

In my case i do identified more with being a boy, but i'm not going change my body. I love everything about him... the sex life (we're both versatile) and his femme side. I've been married for 16 years.

You know, guys get a bad rap for being bisexual, wear as females get a positive response for the same thing. Some guys can be totally bisexual. Being bisexual only means that you have the capacity to be attracted to both sexes. Some guys can be both bisexual and monogamous. With those guys it's not the gender, but the person they fall in love with. Not all guys are born the same. We should know this quite well.

I'm saying that UnsolvedMystery may find this solution feasible, even if she's more girl than me.

[Guest ricka]

Sweetie---so what needs to be figured out, hon? Why not accept your feelings for what they are that you are attracted to gay males. Nothing wrong or"abnormal" about feelings. You may find it slim pickings to find a gay male who would find the attraction mutual but at the same time it would be a mistake that all gay males are cut from the same fabric. And gay males typically do have close friendships with females. It seems to me it's more a matter of getting out there and finding the right one more that worrying about labels. I think it gets down to the particular chemistry between two people regardless of labels.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest CattalieChan]

I know how you feel. I want to be compleatly physically female, yet I still like gay men. I am, however, asexual. I don't know exactly why, but something about a male-male romantic relationship seems ideal. Any way, don't try to place a bianary description on your sexuality, just be who you are, love who you love, and be honest to whomever you are in a relationship with, as well as yourself.

Amber