Anxiety

[Guest My_Genesis]

I haven't been diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I've suffered from panic disorder for most of my life. Even when I was a little kid I'd get panic attacks. When I was 11 I developed OCD as my way of preventing them from happening. I don't really have OCD anymore (though I am a bit neurotic and a perfectionist ) I've been taking antidepressants on and off since I was 8 years old. My doctor officially says it's major depressive disorder (depression) but I'm convinced my main issue is anxiety and panic attacks. I'm not really clinically depressed. I have kinda a flatline apathy, where I just don't feel like going anywhere, doing anything, or talking to anyone, but I think that's part of being trans and not living as male. aka not a chemical imbalance type deal. And, I've never been suicidal. On the contrary, I want to live. Because I don't think I'll actually have lived until I can live as male. If that makes sense.

Oddly enough I was reading an article in scientific american mind - it's a special edition about gender differences in the brain. There is an aticle about how depression differs in men and women and how in men, it may go undiagnosed b/c it displays as anger, frustration, and irritability rather than your typical sadness. Anyway, they mention antidepressants. They say men respond better to the ones that work on your norepinephrine and dopamine levels, rather thatn the ones that boost your serotonin. I have always responded better to the former, which is interesting b/c its like my brain is really male and already responds as such. So, maybe my anxiety is an issue of having a mind and body that don't communicate like they're supposed to?

Anyways, I'm putting in all this background sciency-nerdy info b/c I'm wondering if my panic attacks will finally cease when I start T. I take anti-anxiety meds now, but I'm taking a longer-acting one, b/c my psychiatrist, like many, flip out when you ask for Xanax, which is shorter acting and therefore has a higher risk of tolerance/dependence. So docs are afraid to prescribe it. Being that what I'm taking is longer-acting, sometimes by the time it starts to work I am already getting a panic attack. It sucks b/c every time you get a panic attack, you begin to associate the place in which you got it with anxiety. So you start to become afraid of going to more and more places. It seems just going outside is a trigger for me now.

I'm wondering if this will go away when I start transitioning, much as depression does in a lot of people. Does anyone have any experience with this? Like, anyone suffer from anxiety and it improved after starting HRT? Sometimes the anxiety is debilitating and i can't go about doing normal everyday things because of it. I'm going back to school in July and then I'm changing schools, and I don't want to be stuck on-campus, away from my doctor, and getting panic attacks all the time. Now, I'll most likely be on T by then so I'm hoping it will get better. But since going to college it seems to have gotten worse.

So yeah, any experiences, suggestions, etc.?

[Guest Pól]

I think it depends on what your triggers are and whether your triggers are gender-identity-related. If they are related to not being seen as male, then I could see you having less panic attacks because you know that you're doing something to fix that problem. Testosterone is not an anti-anxiety medication though, so I wouldn't count on it. Ask your doctor, I think.

[Guest Evan_J]

Mine did. It got better. Granted I hadn't had a panic attack in a bit, but overall the anxietydepression lessened a whole lot when I first started T (combination actual chemical effect of T and being glad to be getting the life I wanted?). Now I think its kind of ebbed up (less pronounced chemical response due to some getting used to it/tolerance?) and found its level off point (still much less than originally). The OCD was what was kinda crazy as I started, like right in that exact time period (I think cuz I was stressing over starting), that calmed down too though. Still can get into some OCD episodes but not out of hand.

Overall, everything improved for me.

[Guest mrgeof2m1991]

I don't have any experience with panic attacks or anything but I have anxiety. So I can't really give you any pointers.

But I wish you luck with everything and I hope that you can get over the attacks and everything as soon as you are on T. *hugs*