I Need A Hero...

[Guest AshleeB]

Hey peoples..

Its been a while (again) but this time i have a good excuse as you will discover in my post lol

Well... I am currently at a crisis point where i either get the news i want and need or i die. For the past 5 weeks i have been home, only leaving the house to see my best friend when she is available (which is pretty much never). This is pretty much due to chronic depression and anxiety. My mother doesnt know ive been home save for a few days she has been here aswell and i just told her i have been suffering migrains. An enormous part of why ive been so depressed is the transgender thing. or, more precisly, hormones. Ive been told im ok for hormones for months now and i still havnt started them. i see my gender therapist tomorrow and i have no idea what to thikn. i want to tell myself i will finally be aloud to start the hrt but i know i wont. I know i wont because ive only seen my endo once which probably means i have more waiting to do.

Waiting however wont work for me. im an inch away from doing something stupid and if i dont get the news i need, i wont be surprised if im gone within a week. nothing anyone says is going to make me feel better either, because as painful as it is for me to admit, im beyond saving by anything but my GD psych now. I cant live like this much longer... and i just... wonder if i explain the situation im in tomorrow, he will allow me to start, even if i wasnt originally planned to?

Gah... I miss smiling... I miss being pre-pubesant>_<

Love

Ash

[Guest Donna Jean]

Ashlee, Honey....

I find it hard to respond to you, because I really don't understand what's going on...

Now...

Ive been told im ok for hormones for months now and i still havnt started them.

If you're ok for HRT...what's the hold up? Why can't you start, then?

I know i wont because ive only seen my endo once

Is there something wrong with your bloodwork?

Why would you need to see your endo more? I don't understand...

Did your therapist give you your HRT letter?

You see your GT tomorrow...TELL them what you are saying here in this post!

That is the person that needs to know how you feel....

You do realize that going on hormones will not make your life perfect...you still have to live in this world with us...

Please talk to your GT about this...OK?

Donna Jean

[Guest Leigh]

Ash, i know how you feel. but just think back, think to when you were waiting for the ok for hormones, think back to when you were waiting to see a therapist... many of us are still waiting. we know how you feel. but you didn't give up before. so you can't now.

and i'm pretty sure we all miss being prepubescent..

peace&love

leigh

[Guest AshleeB]

Oh i know i dont make sense... im not a verbal person. i usually get my feelings accross through images. but ANYWAY

Ive been told my by GT a few months ago that i am for sure gonna be cool for hormones. I dont know what that means since ive seen him once since then and tomorrow will be the second time since he said that.

The endo thing... i just assumed i would need to see him again to get the results? wouldnt he need to approve my bloods and all that or will he call my GT? im so confused and so scared. i feel so uninformed!

I also realised hormones wont fix everything. but it will help. i just cant handle living in this testosterone factory anymore. with that factor gone, i will begin to feel better about myself and all the worst things contributing to my depression and anxiety are based off of my feelings about ME and much less about my environment and situation.

Again, sorry i dont make alot of sense

[Guest ricka]

Ash, hon really sorry that you are sooo down there right now. The reality for all of us is that when we decide to transition it will not always happen on our terms. There are gonna be bumps in the road and maybe even a few wrong terms. Transitioning and Life are both like that. And transitioning involves so much more than hormones and surgery but a whole bunch of little things----things we can work on every day. Sweetie, make a commitment to yourself that you are gonna hang in there and ride out the inevitable storms that are sure to come along until you reach your goals. The prize doesn't come to the swift and the strong, but to those who stay in the race, one day at a time, even if they have to do it on their hands and knees for a while.

Anyway you need a big hug, so here's one for you!

Ricka

[Guest Donna Jean]

Oh i know i dont make sense... im not a verbal person. i usually get my feelings accross through images. but ANYWAY

That's no problem, Honey...But, I don't want you doing anything to yourself over a misundering...everything needs to be clear...OK?

Ive been told my by GT a few months ago that i am for sure gonna be cool for hormones. I dont know what that means since ive seen him once since then and tomorrow will be the second time since he said that.

Ok...here's where you need to get the therapist to clarify....ask them straight out.."Can I get my letter today?"

The endo thing... i just assumed i would need to see him again to get the results? wouldnt he need to approve my bloods and all that or will he call my GT? im so confused and so scared. i feel so uninformed!

No, you don't need to seem him again to get the results..they could tell you over the phone...and your GT can fax the HRT letter over to the Endo...

I also realised hormones wont fix everything. but it will help. i just cant handle living in this testosterone factory anymore. with that factor gone, i will begin to feel better about myself and all the worst things contributing to my depression and anxiety are based off of my feelings about ME and much less about my environment and situation.

I know, once your dysphoria eases up with the HRT you can see things a little more clearly...

Now, remember...You can't transition if you are dead!

So, Baby, stivck this out, OK?

We're all here for you and you can PM me if you'd like....OK?

Again, sorry i dont make alot of sense

You'll be just fine....

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Guest AshleeB]

So might i ask what this letter does for me? because in my infinit wisdom, i have forseen that it wont suddenly grant me hormones. there are probably more hurdles to jump through and i wouldnt have a clue what they are... im so uneducated >_<

thats for the support though everyone

I knew posting here would help. i dont feel quite so hopeless now

*hugs*

[Guest Donna Jean]

Honey....

"The Letter" that your GT gives the Endo tells the Endo that you are ready for hormones and understand what taking them will do for you and their dangers...

It also helps protect the Endo from a lawsuit if you were to come back to him in a year and say "LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!"

This is how it's done over most of the world....OK?

We'll help you, Dear...just don't do anything to yourself...it's all gonna be fine...OK?

LOVE

Donna Jean

[Paula ult]

Oh i know i dont make sense... im not a verbal person. i usually get my feelings accross through images. but ANYWAY

Ive been told my by GT a few months ago that i am for sure gonna be cool for hormones. I dont know what that means since ive seen him once since then and tomorrow will be the second time since he said that.

If he follows the SOC, it requires 3 months therapy before getting your letter for hrt, he could fax or email it to your endo. Honey your GT knows you are ready, he told you so.

The endo thing... i just assumed i would need to see him again to get the results? wouldnt he need to approve my bloods and all that or will he call my GT? im so confused and so scared. i feel so uninformed!

You got the initial blood work done, call the endo and ask what the results were, ask him to send you a copy. When he gets the hrt letter from your GT he can write your scripts, not sure if he would want to see you again, expect a follow up with your endo in 6 months, sometimes sooner, i see mine every 6 months but get blood work done once a year.

I also realised hormones wont fix everything. but it will help. i just cant handle living in this testosterone factory anymore. with that factor gone, i will begin to feel better about myself and all the worst things contributing to my depression and anxiety are based off of my feelings about ME and much less about my environment and situation.

Again, sorry i dont make alot of sense

Paula

[Guest AshleeB]

"You got the initial blood work done, call the endo and ask what the results were, ask him to send you a copy. When he gets the hrt letter from your GT he can write your scripts, not sure if he would want to see you again, expect a follow up with your endo in 6 months, sometimes sooner, i see mine every 6 months but get blood work done once a year."

Would i not have to see him to actually get the scripts? if not then tomorrow could actually be when i start. if so, it could be over a month away. I mean it seems logical that i would have to wait and see him again to get the scripts. unless the GT does it =S

I dont have any on going support in the trans community which is why im so ignorant to all this so again, i apolgise for not knowing any of this haha

[Guest Donna Jean]

It can be a little complicated at times, Hon...I just want to make sure that you're all right...

I didn't like the way you were talking in your first post..

Now...It's conceivable that when you see your GT tomorrow they could fax a copy of the letter to the Endo and he write a script and fax it to the drugstore where you'd pick it up!

How many times have you been to the GT?

Huggs

Dona Jean

[Guest AshleeB]

Im not sure how many times all up. i think about 6 over 7 months. Thats heaps right? ive been full time more than those 7 months so its not like i lack experience.

So you think that i may actually be able to pick up a script tomorrow? =O Coz if so, yay! I have my doubts its that easy but you would know more than i do about this stuff. more experience and all

[Guest Donna Jean]

Im not sure how many times all up. i think about 6 over 7 months. Thats heaps right? ive been full time more than those 7 months so its not like i lack experience.

So you think that i may actually be able to pick up a script tomorrow? =O Coz if so, yay! I have my doubts its that easy but you would know more than i do about this stuff. more experience and all

Honey....Don't set your hopes too high so that you're not too dissapointed if it doesnt happen...

And one thing I want to tell you...You can keep going to therapy for months if you never ask for the hormones..

The therapists want to know that you WANT them!

Ask them for them tomorrow and you just may get them...They want to know that YOU want it...OK?

Let them know that you need and want this!

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Ashlee,

If your blood work is OK and your GT sends the letter to your Endo - the prescriptions can be faxed directly to your pharmacy of choice - it is done all of the time.

But if you never ask and are just sitting around waiting - you are not their only patient so you need to remind them that you are waiting on them and your blood work is fine - let's get on with this.

OK, speak up - I didn't for a long time and when I finally did ask my therapist for my letter and she told me that she would have given it to me in the third session.

So ask for it, OK?

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Girl Emily]

Ashlee,

I was just reading a blog about Minnesota weather and the author wrote about a Minnesota musician Billy MclaughLin. Mclaughlin had his career interupted by Dystonia. He was home trying to play his guitar and became so frustrated that he stopped playing. Put the guitar in the closet and went to town to let off some steam. He stopped and ate at an Asian restaurant and upon finishing, he was given a fortune cookie that spoke to him and I think is important for you to remember.

Most people fail, because they quit to soon.

Don't quit to soon dear. At your therapy ask "what do I need to do to start hormones?" Have a list that is definite. That way you won't be waiting for this nebulous event, but have specific tasks that will get you there.

Huggs,

[Guest Tess]

Hi Ashlee,

Don't do anything you can't regret tomorrow, please. Can you not see your GP? Presumably he or she referred you to a therapist, anyway they should be able to contact them. Your bloodwork will be accessible to them also, so they may be willing to prescribe hormones for you if you explain your situation. It's not like they don't prescribe them all the time to older women. I'm sure it will work out for you if you'll only be a little patient. You look great already, not that that's much comfort to you, but I'm sure it will be worth the wait.

hope you're ok,

Elizabeth Teresa (Tess)