I Think I Know, But Looking For Advice....

[Guest DLynn]

I am in my early 40’s and three weeks ago, I was diagnosed as azoospermic. Since then, the space in my head has gotten messier and messier. As I started to research the diagnosis, I discovered that the majority of non-obstructive cases of this is due to Klinefelter syndrome. When I looked that up and read the definition, it was like I had reopened a box that I had closed and put away long ago.

I followed a story that some of which is probably pretty familiar, although some might not be: I dressed in mother’s clothes secretly at an early age, played house and similar games with friends in the neighbor hood, but never wanted to be the male role, was called gay between 5th and 9th grade although it stopped mostly when I body slammed a tormentor against a locker one day when I couldn’t take it anymore, I loss my virginity at 18 and through most of my 20’s I became a perpetual student taking enough classes to get by but not enough to graduate and spending almost every evening partying and dabbling in drugs. During that time, I was pretty promiscuous as a heterosexual, but almost always found myself wanting to switch places with the women I was with. (I have my own theories about this period, but don’t want this to become a novel.) I experimented with men, but after a couple of times of awkward, uncomfortable attempts at sex, I took it as a sign I must be straight. I also continued to cross dress here and there when I could, sometimes staying in for the weekend so I could stay that way. Twice during these years, I told two female friends whom I felt close to (with the help of liquid courage) that I wanted to become a woman. I know that I was hoping that I would hear they thought it was wonderful and would like to help, what actually happened though was being told that I didn’t know what I was talking about and a pretty quick end to the friendship.

In my late 20’s, it was sort of like a switch flipped, I figured that if I was going to graduate by the time I was 30, and have a career, I had better get busy. I quit partying, quit drugs, went back to school in earnest, and somewhere in there, I put most all of this in a box as well. Between here and there I found a wonderful woman, got married, and did well in my career. Once in a great while, I would shave some part of my body because I loved the way it looked, but that is about as far as it went. If any feelings of life in my 20’s came up, I classed it off to youth and went back to work.

Which pretty much brings us up to present day – we were trying to have a family and although our sex life was pretty sporadic, it was clear we weren’t getting anywhere. We went to see doctors and hence the diagnosis.

In the past 3 weeks, I have done tons of research and reading, I found research on digit ratios which at first I thought was urban legend until I saw the amount of research about it. On my right hand the index and ring fingers are identical, and on my left the index finger is longer. I thought back and know that I have always had a slender figure (My wrist is 6” around if that is an indication) I have always had building muscle mass, have small feet (size 7) and because I am a complete technological pack rat and took my measurements back when I bought women’s clothes and kept the file, was able to do a comparison of 12 years later I found while my chest size had remained the same, my bust and gained 1.5 inches, and my hips 1 inch. My waist gained a bit too and both it and my hips could be classed off to age and regular weight gain, but I was fairly stunned by the bust measurement. I kept several garments through the years that I sort of treasured, one of which was a 36A bra and found that I filled it out where as through out my 20’s I always had to put some stuffing in it. This led to me comparing photos to back then and I have found my chest hair had thinned quiet a bit as well.

Thought wise though, I have gone back to the thoughts I had when I was in my 20s of wanting to physically change my gender, yet it is different this time. I don’t have the overwhelming desire to cross dress, wearing dresses and feminine clothing would be nice, but it isn’t an overwhelming drive. It might help that I work in a relaxed atmosphere where jeans are fine most of the time and my attire would change very little at work, and I have switched to jeans I can wear around where I feel my waist should be, but I am not driven to go find new female clothing, slightly tempted yes, but not driven. This time, it is more about researching my options, figuring out how to afford it, and all the other details that go into planning a change.

So my head is currently overwhelmed. I am sure I should seek out a therapist, as all of this is not something that I can talk over with much of anyone and although I know I have to let my wife know, I am trying to get things sorted out in my head. I guess in some ways it became more acceptable to be something other than what I thought I was (or have tried to be) when I figured out I might have Klinefelter, but it will be 6 weeks before I can see the next doctor in this process where I will ask about both genetic and hormonal testing given the changes I have noted in my body. I guess the main question I keep asking my self right now is: What am I? And I know that only I can truly answer that, but given the long period between now and my next doctor’s appointment, I would welcome any and all thoughts that might be out there and would be willing to answer any questions. By the way, if you have read down to here, I truly appreciate it, this is much longer than I thought it would be, but it has helped for a moment to put it all down.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hi and Welcome DLynn

Welcome to Laura's hon.

Well that was quite an introduction.

Now hon, I would suggest that you take things one step at a time. You don't have to worry about where you see yourself in the gender spectrum at the moment. That will work itself out on its own.

Start by reading the forums here and post your thoughts. When you feel ready, I would talk to a gender therapist.

In the meantime, post post post and know that you are OK.

You belong here hon

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Elizabeth K]

You wrote:

So my head is currently overwhelmed. I am sure I should seek out a therapist, as all of this is not something that I can talk over with much of anyone and although I know I have to let my wife know, I am trying to get things sorted out in my head. I guess in some ways it became more acceptable to be something other than what I thought I was (or have tried to be) when I figured out I might have Klinefelter, but it will be 6 weeks before I can see the next doctor in this process where I will ask about both genetic and hormonal testing given the changes I have noted in my body. I guess the main question I keep asking my self right now is: What am I? And I know that only I can truly answer that, but given the long period between now and my next doctor’s appointment, I would welcome any and all thoughts that might be out there and would be willing to answer any questions. By the way, if you have read down to here, I truly appreciate it, this is much longer than I thought it would be, but it has helped for a moment to put it all down.

..........................

A few transgender people rarely feel the need to crossdress - it more a gender thing than a way of dressing, anyway.

And Klienfelter's Sydrome is complicated.

You won't know without some help - medical for the possible intersexed thing, therapist for the gender dysphoria part.

Don't wory. You are what you are. Fin out what that may be - discover your options, be whatever is confortable for you!

My advice... and we here at Laura's are not trained - we just have a life experience to tap into. I am a 62 year old diagnosed MTF transperson - and I wasn't sure until just under two years ago. The near instant reaction to the Hormone Repalcement Treatment has my therapist and my prescribing physician suggesting a 'possibility' of something else going on. BUT the treatments are the same for transitioning, intersexed or not - so I am not interested in expensive testing.

Lizzy

lizzy