Transsexual Civilian Contractor Overseas/ Oif/oef Veterans

[Guest willow ann]

I'm writing in here to post my past experiences as being OIF1, OIF5 veteran, and civilian contractor in Afghanistan for over 2.5 years. Warning this is gonna be a long post lol.

I was graduating high school in 2001 and wanted so badly to live up to my birth gender being male. So I enlisted with the army at 18 and I got up and left to Ft Benin, Ga on Aug 8, 2001. I raised my hand, not realizing that I was causing more pain, and pledged myself to the U.S. government as a soldier. On the day of remembrance, September 11, 2001 I was on my first day at the shooting range, dry fire. All of a sudden, the drill sergeants formed us up and told us what had happened. I never once got to see the true actions though of that day. At that time, I just didn't care because I was depressed and lonely and now a soldier in training. I remember one night in Basic during guard duty on M16's thinking how nice it would be to just have a cup of cappuccino. From there, I left to Ft Gordon, Ga to start my AIT, 31F (telephone operator). About a month into it, I started smoking cigarettes which I shouldn't. My grades there started slipping and falling below average. I ended up getting reassigned to become a fueler (77F/92F). I left and went straight to Ft Lee, Va, where I finished there after living in a personal Hell for over 8 weeks. I then got sent to Ft Leonardwood, Missouri for the extra driving course part of the job where I learned what alcohol can do and where I got trashed everyday. Everything from there became easier to deal with and from there I got sent to Ft Hood, Tx in Feb 2002. The unit that I was attached to was B Co 204 FSB, 4ID, who in turn was attached to support 1/67 Armor. The unit just got out of NTC training and gearing up to go to another field problem. I was lost and I don't know how I survived but I did it. We went to the field pretty much up until January 2003, when President Bush decided to send troops to Iraq to remove Saddam Hussein from power. I remember the date well because I was helping one of my friends go and see his daughter in St Louis. I was up there when I wasn't suppose to leave yet. I got a call on my cell to come back now, we was going to war in Iraq. The worst part about it, my friend and I just got drunk. Thankfully, we made it back just in time for the movement to begin. My friend and I got in a lot of trouble though. Even then, I remember how much I would love to just live as a woman and be treated as such. We (4ID) loaded our equipment on the trains in record time. In 7 days time, 4ID was ready to leave for Iraq through Turkey but that fell through. The government waited until Kuwait freed up from 3Id's push into Iraq before they send us there. I left on a plane to Iraq on March 29, 2001, scared and lonely and just hating life. OMG the plane ride was over 20 hours long. The plane stopped in Ireland but that same day they just passed a law where no one can smoke anywhere but at home. The plane finally arrived in Kuwait after long hours of torture and pain on March 31, 2001 at 11pm. Everyone on the plane was crammed into buses with them taped shut. They bused us for like over two hours to some remote desert in the middle of nowhere on Camp New York. Then we got pushed and shoved into little tents where people where falling out. I was one of the lucky ones that got to set down onto a bench seat. In just over 2 minutes an alarm sounds and people start rushing outside running to the bunkers made out of connexs connected together. I was crammed in there so tight I couldn't get to my gas mask which was required for incoming skud missiles, biological ones. When drill finished up, I ran back to the tent where the briefing was held at. Afterwards, my section sergeant gave out live ammo, thats when all of it hit me. I'm at war, I could die tomorrow but of course I was stubborn in the fact I never could accept myself as trans, I was only wanting to become a woman. Everyone wonders that sometimes. I never could see then the depression I was in and I never even knew then what trans is. I knew about gays but not transitioning. From there I got onto another covered bus to another unknown location called Camp Buehring, that had nothing but one little shopette and DFAC that was always packed to the gills. At that point in my life, I was cutting my extra body part and I always had several knives with me. Up until that point, I hadn't done that since high school but then again I was always busy. After some time the unit finally got the order to move into Iraq on April 24, 2001. I was told to drive B114 HEMMITT fuel tanker with Corporal Kimper, an African american female. I had to drive all the way to our destination unbeknown to us though. That drive ended up being over 2 days long without rest, without sleep I made it into Baghdad at night while bullets are flying over head and rpg's in the background scared to death, going only 25 mph. Smelling the burning, following the truck in front keep going keep going. Just keep driving, Just keep driving. After years of driving I finally was able to pull in a place to stop and rest for awhile. I wake up later on and realize I'm cold and hungry. I pull out my sleeping bag and go back to sleep. My duties there was to fuel up any vehicles that needed it and to pull guard duty. At the time, I didn't know but I was in Baquabah, Iraq, Camp Warhorse (later called Warhorse Airfield). During that time, I've never felt so free, so alive, and yet I still cut deeper with every passing moment. My unit got moved after two weeks there across the street to Camp Scunion. I was in Iraq until March of 2004 when I could finally drive back to Kuwait. When I got to Kuwait, we all had to wash our vehicles to inspection ready. Taking off the dirt and grime from every hole, from every vehicle. Once I stayed up for well over 2 days straight cleaning vehicles. I was finally shoved onto a bus to go back into the air. I left Kuwait on March 30, 2004 and arrived on March 31, 2004 at Ft Hood, Texas. Freedom at last, but what am I gonna do with it? I finally ended up getting married to my now x wife on October 31, 2004 but I was cross dressing in private but not cutting at least. I was happy on the outside but deep inside a clock started that told me I don't have much time left. I had to hurry and be a man or forever live in torture. That would also be my first time I ever slept with someone. Time after time life moved on and my unit was always in the field, I never spent anytime home. I wanted out so badly. One night I remember something in the back of my mind that I should just kill her. "Just kill her, Just Do IT NOW! Or forever live in torture." At the time, I thought it was towards to my now x wife but it was talking about me. I got up the nerve to reenlist in November 2004 to a new unit and four more years for $7000. I thought to myself that now I'm a man and I can do what I want. I ended up going to A Co 704 SB, 4ID, a unit that never went to the field. That was soon to change though when I got there everything that I thought was gonna happen never did. I got sent to field all the time. One time, my x tried to break her hand to get me out of the field. Another time was when she convinced me to fake suicide by taking a whole bottle of Tylenol. I ended up in the emergency room having to drink charcoal (no fun) and spending 3 really enjoyable days in mental ward/5th floor. I felt like I belonged there for some reason and met so many nice people. I really truly felt that I should have told the doctors about me wanting to be a woman but of course, I'm a man. So I do what all good soldiers do, I drove on and finally went to that field problem. After that, I got deployed again to Iraq in December 2005. I flew all the way to Kuwait and had to briefing again and then I hopped on a c17 to Baghdad International Airport (BIAP). My unit was stationed in FOB Falcon, red zone in Baghdad, but I got sent with an attachment to Camp Prosperity in the green zone. I only worked a total of 4 hours a day issuing out fuel to other fuel tankers. Having all that time on my hands, I finally broke down and started putting the pieces together of how I've always wanted to be a woman and how those feelings was still there through near death. And how could I provide for my daughter on the way when I couldn't even provide for myself. I would go to sleep on my cot and keep hoping and praying and wishing to become a woman. One day, while chatting away with my x wife on yahoo messenger I googled how to become a woman. I got lots of stuff all the way on how to act as a woman to how to tuck it away and how people just like me wanting to be a woman was able to be one and live their lives as one. Everything finally broke down and I couldn't take it anymore. I told my wife and she exploded into a rampage and I had no way of controlling the situation. Finally, I look around any realized I'm all alone in this world and that I've always been. I found one chat site that ended up being really bad and then I ran up to this newly developed site called Laura's Playground, I finally found my home, a place where I could be myself in a time of war. I still couldn't control myself though I started wearing panties and bras and started watching girls and how they acted. I followed them and learned from what they did like crossing my legs or feet and how they would never really look someone in the eyes. I kept my mind occupied for some time with all that was going on. I finally ended up talking to a psychiatric nurse practitioner, omg was i scared about it, who was there for combat stress. I loved her though and still remember what she said to me about how my uniform is female and that I should just get out, get divorced, and become a woman. I never realized how easy it really was though.Laugh out Loud. One day, while at work, one of my NCO's found out I was wearing a bra and forced me to remove it and then from there it went downhill. Everyone knew about it and I was so afraid. Afraid of really getting hurt badly but no one did that. I did get sent to FOB Falcon in October 27,2006, where a military psychologist (Major Yaw,) who helped me with my marital problems and got me an honorable discharge under 5-13. The day I arrived at Falcon rockets hit the ammo holding area, aha. After all of that, I still had to stay at FOB Falcon until the whole unit deployed back home. Of course, everyone knew about me and was scared to even talk to me. I finally arrived back to Ft Hood in November 25, 2006 scared to death that I would be a dead person. Well, I didn't die but she did convince me to try and stay in. But to no avail, there was no way to fight the discharge. I didn't know that until after my 30 days leave. I got back in middle of January being forced to start clearing the next day. I couldn't believe it, I was so numb from it all. I had an NCO that had to follow me everywhere while I out processed. I didn't get it all straight until February 7, 2007 when I left Ft Hood but my papers said January 26, 2006. I worked for over a month without pay. I also did an ops and made my wife pregnant again. Here I was jobless, homeless with one daughter and one on the way with a wife to support. What should I do? I applied for as many jobs I could. One job was for me to go to Afghanistan to work overseas for KBR as a civilian making really good money. I eventually got hired on in April 17, 2007 and had to go to in processing in Houston, Texas for two weeks. I left Ohio broke and without money but i made it to Bagram, Afghanistan in May. I was placed into the pump house section of POL department by my then supervisor Daniel Sommerfeld. Pump house was really hard work. I was putting on heavy hoses full of fuel onto a local truck that always had one problem or other and I had to use adapters that leaked all the time. Sometimes, I got lucky and i got to put fuel into the trucks which was really easy. I worked there for over 4 months, 12.5 hours a night, 1830 to 0700, 30 minute lunch. I make my own bank account and put all the money in there and just gave her an allowance after she blew 3 months worth of pay on stupid stuff. i get complained at for this but when I got home though I had money to spend. I just made it home for my two week leave in September for my wife to have Emily Rose on September 4, 2007 at 1pm. I let her have control over the money again and again the second time I went home for leave. the third time I went home for leave I came back and she had no money to live on in February 2008. I was asked to ask my parents for money, I never gave in. Realize this, each month I made over $6000 a month. My parents didn't even make that. I ended up asking for a divorce in March 2008. I finally was free to be myself. I started growing long hair and began wearing panties full time but was still too scared to wear bras. I got a hold of a gender therapist closes to me and began taking therapy in May 2008. I felt so free again. I bartered and got away from the pump house and moved to the flight line, which was easy job at that time. It eventually became a headache and the person I exchanged with made foreman. October came around and I seen my therapist and she recommended me for hormone replacement therapy and a doctor that could get me in that day. He had me start on the pill estrogen. I got cleared through Houston medical, a requirement to go back to Afghanistan to work. The person I was working with even went so far and told me to contact her when I have to start living as a woman that they would provide me with the proper housing requirements. Ya! That was before that anyone knew about me. In March of 2009 I got sent to see the big man there and I was so freaking scared. I thought I was gonna get fired then. I thought somehow they found out and they was booting me. I got into the office and wow come to find out someone told on me for wearing lipstick one night at work and they was just wanting to know why. I told them I'm trans and was just experiment. I was told by Daniel Sommerfeld that I can not ever do that again or I will lose my job. I never did it again. In March that same time I was put on t blocker. That to me is when I started becoming a woman. Nothing went on for awhile. My friend and mentor and my foreman got moved to the south fuel farm to work and they put Able Neville there to take his spot, a foreman from day shift that I hated being around. I had a really bad vibe about him. IDK just a feeling that I had. Able was being really bad and leave work with the work truck for hours on end. One of the workers there, Christina told on him and he ended up getting all hot headed and making us do our job right. no computers, no DVD players, no nothing to do. I stuck it through and became friends with Christina. One day though she just stopped talking to me and then Able came into our tent and was really mean to me. I instantly got up and smashed the refrigerator breaking my right hand. It healed after two weeks but it healed wrong. In June, I went home again and started on the shot form of estrogen that really does work much better. My hand still hurt a lot. On June 27, 2008 Able became really nice to me all of a sudden and we watched movies together for a day or two. Then one night he grabbed my right hand and lightly squeezed it. I pulled back away really quickly and told him to not do that again. He didn't that day. The next day, again, he tried to hold my hand but this time instead of letting me go he held and we had a struggle. I eventually got away free. that morning I got a hold of my friend and supervisor Frank Packard and told him what happened between Able and I. I finished up and got back to my room to find out he's there waiting on me. I got pushed onto my bed and he held me there and wouldn't let me go. Finally, I guess he got what he wanted and let me stunned. I told Daniel Sommerfeld, the Fuels Area Manager, about it. All I have to do is put in a written statement and I did that. I still had to work with Able though for like another week before they decided to move me (not him) to the East Fuel Farm, which was even easier work lol. I ended up breaking my head again but I splintered it before it healed and my hand healed right this time. They did nothing to him at all. He didn't even get moved. I worked there until one day I was moved to the south fuel farm which was pretty hard work but was simple until they moved everyone away right before the new contractor took over in Feb 2010. I was overworked everyday until I couldn't take it anymore in January, where I ended up screwing up and causing a fuel spill, which what got me fired right after Fluor took over POL department from KBR. I went home on February 14, 2010. Jobless without any money and no place to live. I ended up moving in with my x wife. I was forced to shave my head and live as a man. I finally got unemployment about two weeks ago and I just got a job a week ago but I survived through it all and I know in the end it will be worth it. I will be a woman soon enough. I hope that people who post this can read this and realize that it's not that bad. That tomorrow will be better. You just have to believe in yourself and one day you too will get where you wanna go. just remember that nothing is forever in life. only change itself is constant. We all should strive to have patience and live our lives as we wanna. I've said my peace finally I'm done

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I read that whole thing. Every word.

I was close to tears at some points.

I am glad that things are looking up for you... At least when it comes to living. Soon though you'll be able to grow out your pretty hair again. Just remember that you are still a woman even though your hair is short. You still look good.

*hugs*

LeeAsher (Geo )

[Guest Gina9223]

Yeah, it’s a long post, but I’ve written longer.

I’ve heard a lot of stories like yours over the years. You’re not alone, not at all. Not when you were in the Army or as a contractor or deployed to Iraq.

You had Trans family out there. Some are still there. As military, as contractors.

Touch base with your local VA. Ask about the services they can provide you.

Do talk to a therapist about what happened with ‘Able’.

I think you should talk to a lawyer or Lamda Legal about that situation. That’s a bit beyond work place sexual harassment and the company’s reaction (even if it is in a forgien country) and lack of action is illegal. Sue their asses.

(((HUGS))) you need ‘em

[Guest willow ann]

Yeah, it’s a long post, but I’ve written longer.

I’ve heard a lot of stories like yours over the years. You’re not alone, not at all. Not when you were in the Army or as a contractor or deployed to Iraq.

You had Trans family out there. Some are still there. As military, as contractors.

Touch base with your local VA. Ask about the services they can provide you.

Do talk to a therapist about what happened with ‘Able’.

I think you should talk to a lawyer or Lamda Legal about that situation. That’s a bit beyond work place sexual harassment and the company’s reaction (even if it is in a forgien country) and lack of action is illegal. Sue their asses.

(((HUGS))) you need ‘em

idk what i can do right now. i will try to get a lawyer soon but i don't know a lawyer that would take a case without too much prove :? I'm trying to get VA help now btw. thanks though