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JJ

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This site is bad for me!! I work online and ave been spending all my time here instead!

Actually I can never express what having acceptance and information has meant to me as I explore this enormous revolution in my life. It is still less than a week since my "awakening" both literal and metaphorical. My heart sings more each day as I process over 60 years of experiences from this new perspective. I feel so free at last. I keep remembering so many statements I made, so many clues I left myself but wouldn't see. Being trans is scary and there are so many things to think about but I'll never be as scared and despairing as I was before.

I live in a small Southern mountain community-when I looked up resources for our state there's pretty much nothing. I've only lived here a few years but I own a home and my daughter and granddaughter share it with me. I live here because it is beautiful with a great climate but the people are very closed and insular. They are so intolerant of diversity that the minority population of our county is less than 1%. So "coming out" would negatively impact my family as well as myself. My granddaughter is still in elementary school. I have told my daughter, who is enormously supportive, that I will just be myself and not directly address the issue unless asked. Then I won't lie but acknowledge my trans identity. The truth is I won't be asked. Oddly enough I meet and see people around here all the time whose gender is difficult or impossible to tell unless I hear a name with a gender clue. And women around here do everything the men do. They hunt, fish, farm and hold down physical labor jobs. There are also men who quilt, cook and enjoy keeping house. Many men here are small and wiry with higher voices. And that's all accepted as long as no one openly identifies as alternate. Those who do are beaten and harassed. Very openly. I have had 2 confrontations in stores because of what was being said about a homosexual man who had just left. One of the only pair identified in the county-he is sweet and kind and gentle and only wants to live in his little cabin in peace. He has been drug out and beaten repeatedly. (As a side note that never happens when his partner is there. The partner, although smaller, is mad as a hatter and would likely kill anyone who attempted to harass him. ) That was well before I recognized my own situation. I don't agree with the prejudices and I won't stand and hear things like that said. And I'm not going to move-that doesn't help bring about change. Standing up helps. But I feel I also have to be realistic about my own situation. Also sadly these are people who can be kind and supportive in other ways. who "take care of their own". They are also victims of their heritage and trapped in a world their prejudices make increasingly frightening.

After 50 years of estrogen affecting my brain and body I would miss my feminine side. So I can live here and be as masculine as I please and still safely be a voice for diversity as long as I don't "come out" and I can live with that. Much better than I was able to live all those years in denial to myself till it was wake in the middle of the night with a shout in my mind-"I'm trans-gender!" or die. My daughter is happy and surprised at the difference in me this as already made.

What do ya'll think?? Am I copping out?

And thank you again and again for being here!!!!

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Guest Donna Jean
What do ya'll think?? Am I copping out?

And thank you again and again for being here!!!!

Not at all, Hon.....

We all go as far as is comfortable for us...it's not the same place for everyone...

And, we all do what we must to get through this life!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

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Guest Melanie Dawn
Not at all, Hon.....

We all go as far as is comfortable for us...it's not the same place for everyone...

And, we all do what we must to get through this life!

HUGGS!

Donna Jean

Was going to reply to the OP but (of course) DJ said it better than i ever could!

Melanie Dawn

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Just realized that it's funny in my posts here I've never mentioned what I thought was the major cause of my stress and depression. I've always been active and outdoorsy but I have lupus and fibromyalgia. Because of the lupus I can't get insurance. Period. Because I had too many resources I couldn't qualify for disability. After 15 years of no insurance I no longer have resources but can't get disability because I haven't worked enough the last 10 years. I work selling my estate on the internet. (Don't get me started on the changes on Ebay!)Last fall I injured my back and am now seriously mobility impaired-we're talking walker and scooter here. But I can't afford to ave anything done till I qualify for medicare in 2 years.

But finally coming together makes me feel that I can handle those physical and financial problems now. I was carrying such a heavy burden with te denial and these issues too that now I let go of the denial and accept myself I have strength and energy left to deal with them.

Also I have the internet, books-I am a compulsive reader but broke myself of reading at stoplights and stop signs (anyone else out there love Terry Pratchett?), video games, helping at the community theater as director and set designer and beauty all around me even if I can't get out in it much now. My daughter goes without saying and my very highly gifted granddaughter (She read on a high school level by the end of 1st grade. But that is both a joy and also a burden in her range. The intellectually very highly gifted fare almost as badly as transgenders in our society with very high drop out,crime, substance abuse and suicide rates).Schools just can't cope or understand. She's also highly social, highly creative and only weighs 48 lbs at 10. All girly girl but the disparity between intellectual and emotional age can be difficult. She is adored by adults but seen as different by peers who can't follow her reasoning).

And I got addicted to Farmville and Petville while recuperating from swine flu in November and December (couldn't take the shots.Egg allergy in the whole family). I'm slowly weaning myself away. Okay I'd rather be here than Facebook.

Now you pretty much have a picture of my life. By the way decided to call myself JJ then realized that except for here no one will use it. My daughter will always call me Mom . That I wouldn't change.

Please excuse the occasional missing letter-my keyboard is wearing out.

Love you all!!

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Guest Donna Jean

That's cool, JJ..........

Be sure to sign your posts that way so folks will know how to respond....OK?

Good!

BIGG HUGGS!

Donna Jan

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Guest Elizabeth K

JJ

I KNEW IT! John James...

Terry Pratchett - oh my goodness! I read the Rimworlds and marvel at the imagination - I discovered him about four years ago and am rationing my catching up with his earlier writing because i don't want to read for two months straight and then run out of his work.

But I confess - I also read Piers Anthony - a different style with the millions of puns - but Terry Pratchett is much better. There are so many good comic fantasy writers, but the English sense of humor seems my favorite (the late Doug Adams) and I stray into the English darker writings too like Neil Gainman (sp - I can never get it right).

So I am in the deep south but our mountains are only 12' high! New Orleans. I know about insular cultures, my mother was from Crisp, Texas (near Waxhatchie) and moved as a child to Jourdanton Texas (population 2,000), near Pleasanton. Dairy farmers.

And you are a man I see - opposite of me. Still just the same thing - caught up in an impossible situation. Lupus - oh my - be careful! I know you are - but that is one insideous disease! Do watch you circulatory system! I have diabetis (adult onset) but I am gradulaly losing sensation on my outside fingers. Guess I better get my masterpiece novel typed quickly? Grin.

And not transitioning? I think it sounds like you are in your comfort zone. I too an older - 63 coming up really soon (YIKES). i DO have transition in my agenda - facts be, I am pretty well along - passing now - living pretty much full time. BUT New Olreans isn't the Ouachita Range (a wild guess) or the Appalachians (more likely) - ha! See how I am?

Not many mountains in this flat world I live in - but I backpacked for years. We would usually go to the lower Arkansas ridges, those near Oklahoma - Tall Peak National Park. I also did a bit of the AT, actually a bunch of it!

Well - this should probably be a PM - but... people need to understand we old peoples have a real life too. Your smart as a whip daughter? Don't keep her from getting into a world where she can shine - and you need her I know - a conflict. Dang - I had to let my three chicks roam - one went to Texas, two to Illinois. Two came back - married and live here in New Orleans. It can happen... I mean they will come back.

So - yes - you are doing fine! And AINT THIS PLACE ADDICTIVE!

Grin

Love you bacK!

Elizabeth Anne

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Guest NatashaJade

J.J.

I, too, would rather spend my time online here rather than facebook (this place is far more addictive than Farmville). As far as who you are in the world, do what feels right to you.

Lizzy - I used to read Piers Anthony, but move along to other things after I exhausted the Xanth books. I am a huge fan of Neil Gaiman. American Gods is one of my favorite books of all time.

luv

Gin

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Guest Ami James

I rather being here than I am on Myspace, facebook, imvu and all the others...

Speaking of farming with animals on it.

:banghead::(

I miss that job.... it is in my blood. Now i don't have a farm to live on but going facebook or myspace... which it is sucks.

:(:(:banghead:

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Today is the day I've been expecting-when the years and years of denial want to snap me back. I feel like the gender and persona that I presented for so long is so wrapped around my core gender that I can't really break free. It's just a reaction I know and I already feel better. Last night I dreamed I was getting married as a woman in a big white dress-I never wanted a big wedding and especially not the whole bridal gown thing. But something about it left me depressed and uneasy today. Wanting to go back into denial-but only part of me-I never want to carry that burden again. I'm sure everyone goes through degrees of this at times-especially after investing decades in trying so hard to be something you're not.

I love all of your replies ! It is so amazing to be able to share with people and surprising how much we have in common sometimes outside of the trans thing. I've read Piers Anthony too. Not much Xanth but loved the Adept series. I haven't read Doug Adams or Neil Gaiman so you have given me a wonderful gift-new authors to read. I am very particular about the fantasy I read and it is always like Christmas when I discover someone new. I've read most of Lackey and McCaffrey too. I loved Gordon Dickson and miss him.

I read Pratchett over and over because there are many layers and innuendos that I miss the first time. Plus the one advantage of my age is that I can read a book again in a year and not remember all the dialogue. Works even better for me with light mysteries. Did you know Pratchett was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers last year? It is a rare variety that will not affect his writing as much for awhile.

Lizzie you are right - it is the Ouachitas. You have to have been in Arkansas to even know the name. And I was also born in a small Texas town near Lubbock. 5th generation Texan-and some part of me will be Texan till I die. I'd still live there but I love and get along with my family ( only sisters left) much better from a distance of several hundred miles. I can identify with the Texans around Austin- I've also lived on one of the Highland Lakes after my daughter was grown but I escaped Lubbock as fast as I could. I went to college in Colorado and lived there a long time before I met my ex and moved to Nebraska. Not a place I'd recommend to anyone with any kind of diversity. At least here you can be somewhat different as long as you don't flaunt it or confront people about it. I moved back to Colorado once but it had changed so much! Too many people and too much crime for me. When you get used to not needing a key to your house and walking at night without fear it's hard to go back.

My lupus is systemic and while I've had some major organ and joint involvement it as not been life threatening.. My father's first cousin survived 40 years after diagnosis with it

It's my granddaughter who as the super IQ intelligence. My daughter is around 138. My bio father had an IQ around 200 and my step father over 200 (he made the highest score ever made in the 1920s-he was being tested because they thought he was "retarded" and wanted to institutionalize him.Turned out just too bored to bother with school work. ) I fall between my daughter and father.

My granddaughter has a charisma that frightens us. During our last Disney trip a year and a half ago we were given over 40 special pins and taken on backstage tours and given all kinds of rides. She was asked to stay for a movie premier (we couldn't) and another cast member went out to buy her a doll while we rode the ride he had arranged for us to tour. She loves people and would smile at cast members and pause to talk to them and the rest just happened. She didn't talk to them for the rewards but because they fascinated her and she wanted to learn about their jobs. We have also turned down talent agents feeling she was too young and a job in the cast of a very large Renaissance festival. We thought she's outgrow it but it hasn't happened. Her acting is incredible too. She becomes whatever part she is playing. She plans to go to Julliard and live in New York City. On the downside she is the most strong willed being on the planet and has never done a single chore without a confrontation. She is mostly very happy but when she's not it is very intense. Very. And she's just turned 10! She passed the 3rd grade equivalency at 7 but was put into the third grade the next year because of her" small stature" (she still wears a size 7 and has an elfin look even now. She wore a 4 then. She is beautiful and compelling but not cute) and it has been downhill ever since. Her mother and father were engaged but separated when my daughter found out she was pregnant. He just wasn't ready. So I've been her other parent all these years. I also have an early childhood degree and love children and it has worked very well. Her father located us about 6 months ago and now he and my daughter are engaged again. Because of my part in my granddaughter's life all these years we'll all live as a family. Our house has two completely separarate living areas luckily. Even 2 kitchens and all on separate levels. We all enjoy a lot of the same activities and while I'm nervous about it I'm also excited for my daughter and granddaughter.

My fondest wish as always been to be just plain old normal- just be like everyone else. I've also always wanted to be bored. Always have more art, reading fishing etc to do than there will ever be time for.

And here I finally do feel like everyone else. Thank you - I say it from my heart each time because it is so incredible.. Hopefully I'll be able to quit gushing and revealing here soon and show my quirky sense of humor too!

Ps This made me feel much better.

Love you all,

JJ

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Guest Elizabeth K

Ha! good guess I think - based mainly on trying to figure out a southen state with mountains and no natural resources to speak of (unless you count Tyson chicken farms, retirement homes, the Mt Ida natural crystals and... Walmart/Sams - grin)... must be seed pods blowing outta Arkansas - those Walmart plants pop up EVERYWHERE!

Texas - fifth generation mother's side, second father's side - San Antonio. Mothers side has the Tobin line - married Dickenson, the white woman survivor from the Alamo and who later married into the King Family (Armstrong branch) of the King Ranch. I asked to borrow $10 once, but they never wrote back (GRIN).

And I am sooo happy to hear stories about that headstrong granddaughter! And you and your extended family! Makes my heart sing! Family is everything!

JJ - you and I need to PM a bunch - I feel we are kinda alike - except you are a better speller. (Did you know Dee Jay edits my posts for errors! The MINX)

I am happy you found us - its a good and relaxed place to finally be yourself. What I like is how we don't focus on the trans issues so much - gets kinda old sometimes, I mean personally! I am always here to try to help people. We decided a long time ago instead of referring a person to a previous post, we just answer again. Everyone needs to feel they are important.

JJ - Now don't forget me - PM is easy - and I always answer (unless I forget - ha!)

Lizzy

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You have a very interesting life JJ and it's an honor to meet you. My neighbor has fibromyalgia and understand what you go through. That can be really debilitating. And yes this site can be very addicting because there is always someone writing here that can lift you up. Plus some very intelligent people who have talent, especially artistically. Every day I find something new and interesting to read or see.

I see you like Piers Anthony. I've read the Adept series and enjoyed them. However IMO the best series of books by Piers Anthony are "The Incarnations of Immortality". The first book is "On a Pale Horse". Imagine that you fell into the role of being the grim reaper and had to collect souls. But you are a kind and caring grim reaper. Piers Anthony is definitely one of my favorite fantasy/sci-fi authors.

Love Susan

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