Gender Dysphoria?

[JenniferB]

I'm beginning to wonder if I actually have gender dysphoria now. Yet it is so strange to pick this up at the very end of middle age into the October of life.

I'm writing this because I can't sleep. All I can think about has everything to do with becoming a woman. I just spent the last hour thinking about where I'm going to get the money. I'm looking for a second job where I can work 20+ hours a week so I can pay for the costs of transition. It's driving me crazy because this feeling won't take much of a rest. It gets really powerful at night and I've been losing lots of sleep, just thinking about the processes I have to go through. And why would anyone want to go through this. The cost, the ridicule of others, having to come out to friends and family, the awkwardness of transition should be enough to push my away. And yet I'm so driven to get this done. I have a strong feeling when I start becoming involved with the local MTF group the feelings are even going to become more powerful. It's like something got planted deep in my soul and is growing.

I just wish it would go away and that I can live normal again and have some peace. At times I do find some peace during the day because the feeling fades to some degree. Although it is still there. I now don't feel like I want to be a woman anymore, it's more like I have to be one to bring me peace of mind. I'm counting the days until I can start HRT.

My male side is dying, only to be called up for the memories left there. The process has already begun. I've already lost 20 pounds in two weeks (and more to go) just to get down to the ideal weight for transition. It can't happen soon enough, yet I want to do it the right way. Get some electrolysis done and start saving up for the expenses in the future.

Whatever I thought in the past, I realize that I'm supposed to be a woman, at least in this point in time. I can't believe that I'm saying this. I hope I make sense instead of just rambling on. Now it's time to go back to bed and try to get some sleep. Than goodness I'm on vacation this week.

Do I have gender dysphoria? I actually believe I do and it makes no sense.

Susan

[Guest daphene]

Susan, I believe you do and I must have it also because I feel the same way. Most of my awake hours of the day is spent thinking about this and how it can be accomplished. I too lay awake at night thinking when I wished I could be sleeping. I must say though I have never wish it would go away. I rather enjoy thinking of the days to come when I can be Daphene all the time. What I have figured out is that this process takes alot of time especially if you are married like I am. The slow pace is what drives me nuts.

Good Luck and a Bunch of Hugs,

Daphene

[Guest]

Hi Susan,

In reading your post, I thought I'd written it! As you know, only a gender therapist can diagnose GID, so, I can't answer that for you. But, I can cetainly empathize.

The easy path seems to be that of hiding under the rug and play-acting the man. But do you keep your real self bottled up forever? That's painful!

Last night I was at our local TG support group, and met a few ladies who had transitioned successfully. They now have a whole life to be themselves completely. How encouraging! To know that all of the grief and pain of transition does have some end. To know that life can be normal again. Not that all problems are solved - life is a constant problem regardless of what gender you present - but at least you are one person, not two.

About the main thing I'd like you to try is being patient, be a bit easier on yourself. It isn't going to happen overnight, and much easier to tackle each step one at a time. Losing weight is a good thing, but 20lbs in 2 weeks is a bit on the scary side - try for something more like 2-5 lbs in a week. So do allow yourself some quality food and don't starve - not good for your complexion!

Do take care - and get some sleep, okay?

Love, Kat

[Guest Donna Jean]

Susan......

It's a tricky thing...Gender Dysphoria!

And many of us denied it for many, many years..(I did)..

Pushed hard against it. Put it down.

But, it would always come back stronger and more determined than ever!

The last time for me ...it would not be denied.

So, here I am...60 years old and 15 months into HRT, plans for surgery and absoutely no intentions of ever going back...impossible!

I think that the idea about you seeing a gender therapist is the best thing for you right now...think about it...ok?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Opal]

Hi Susan,

I've been going through weight loss and some lack of sleep myself. As Kat said, only a gender therapist can make the call. Sure sounds to me like we are having very similar symptoms and life stories.

The things you hear in mainstream media almost always add to the pain and frustration. Hopefully, someday soon that will change.

Hope you can get in some good sleep soon, and perhaps things will look a bit brighter.

Huggs!

Opal

[JenniferB]

Thanks for the replies.

Don't worry Kathleen, I'm not starving myself at all. It's just that I'm eating right and exercising on a daily basis. Plus I haven't eaten any fast food since I've started having this feeling. I eat 4-5 small meals a day, and when I do feel like snacking I eat a few peanuts or a small amount of popcorn. Since I'm a diabetic (although not insulin dependent yet) so I learned all about food and nutrition. I can literally walk into a grocery store and know what's in almost all the products. I always read the ingredients when I purchase canned or frozen food. And my weight loss has slowed down a little bit. I've only lost 3 pounds in the last 5 days. I do appreciate your concern, so thanks for that.

Love Susan

[JenniferB]

Susan, I believe you do and I must have it also because I feel the same way. Most of my awake hours of the day is spent thinking about this and how it can be accomplished. I too lay awake at night thinking when I wished I could be sleeping. I must say though I have never wish it would go away. I rather enjoy thinking of the days to come when I can be Daphene all the time. What I have figured out is that this process takes alot of time especially if you are married like I am. The slow pace is what drives me nuts.

Good Luck and a Bunch of Hugs,

Daphene

I am sorry about the double post but feel I have to answer this. I understand the feeling of being born in the wrong body and having a birth defect. Which of course causes that person to be transgender. However there is another theory that I think is also valid. When the fetus is developing, there has to be a time when a signal to the brain tells the fetus which gender to identify with. And thus at birth the baby will identify with the gender that was processed while developing. Both could be the proper scenario. I would rather no one would have to go through gender dysphoria and have a peaceful existence from the start. I have faith that in the future the source of GID will be identified with evolving technology of how DNA works and stem cell resource.

Love Susan

[Guest NatashaJade]

The last time for me ...it would not be denied.

I think that's how it is for all of us late bloomers. We spend so much of our lives trying to deny ourselves, doing all kinds of things to prove to ourselves that we are what we are not until one day we just cannot fool ourselves anymore and there is just no living with the self-deception.

Susan, if it's not a want but a need, you have to recognize that. I don't want to be a woman because I recognize that I already am a woman. I don't want to transition because it's a lot of work and pain. But I need to. I have always believed that if you have a real need, you must do something about it. It sounds to me like you have a need, dear.

luv

Gin

[Guest Donna Jean]

Susan.....

Gee, Honey......

It seems that a lot of us girls, here on the site, have diabetes in one way or another...

I'm like you (Type II) and control with a piil a day and my diet!

Poor Lizzy has to do insulin shots 4 times a day..'cause she has type I...

I do like you do....I read the can...I read the package...I watch it...4 days a week I only have a salad for supper!

If ya wanna transition, ya have to take care of your body!

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Susan,

Please be careful about tossing around the word 'normal'. My feeling is that being 'not normal' is a epithet imposed by the majority on the minority. As if for each unique thing (gender, race, religion, social or economic standing, whatever), the majority of that group gets together and says they're 'normal' and the rest aren't.

That means an awful lot of people AREN'T normal in one way or another.

I say hogwash. You are as normal as anyone else...if you want to use normal as some kind of standard.

Really, you are you. Unique, special, full of hopes and fears, loves and hates. desires and confusion. Just like every other 'normal' human in existance (and probably every non-normal one, too!)

You are special. Just like every person of any particular race, or religion, or economic group, or level of intelligence. Sure opens that one up to a lot of people, doesn't it?

Actually you're special because you are you. You're nobody else and nobody is you. Yet, for a lot of parts of you, you are like many. many people, some of whom are here. So, even though you are unique, you're not alone. For us with gender dysphoria, we have places like Laura's where we can come and find out and share and learn that we're not alone, that we share a lot of very similar things. And that there are a lot of people facing a lot of the same problems you're facing.

No one can tell you what to do, only you can make that decision. But remember, as many here have testified, not wanting gender dysphoria does absolutely nothing in making it 'go away', except you may like yourself less. And that's not good. I know I have gender dysphoria. I made a decision, a hard one, and I'm living with it. Maybe there was a better one I could have made, but I'll make the best I can of what I have decided. It's all that I can do. But the best thing is that I have accepted who and what I am. I stopped hating myself a long time ago for not being 'normal', because I realized I am.

And that has made all the difference in the world.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Patsy]

I agree with Kathleen Rose, in that you're the only one that can answer that question....though I suspect you already have.

Have personally never been comfortable with the word "Dysphoria", in that it's a "catch all" word that seems to have as many

interpretations as there are people interpreting it.

I'm also much given to wandering the house in the wee small hours, like some strange spectre (I am NOT a thing of beauty at 3 am!), with

the committee between the ears in full session, and not a Chairperson in sight...."Why didn't I....I should have...If only", and on & on & on.

I don't know how old you are, Susan, but I do know that the confusion is in direct proportion to the age of the confused...which in my case, is a lot!

And underlying it all, of course, that wistful little question..."Why can't it all be easier?!" Errr...hello Patricia? Perhaps because it the single most

challenging, complicated issue that anyone, anywhere can face in their life?

The miracle is not that we cope as poorly as we some times do, but that we cope at all, Susan, so give yourself a big pat on the back!

As to first causes, that's not something I really dwell on....I am as I am, and the consequences of that are more than enough to be going on with.

"God meant you to be a man". Oh, really? Well, god better get His/Her/Its allegedly omnipotent butt Down Under, because Patsy would like a word or six!

Try to hang on to humour, & a sense of the absurd....its the ultimate antidote to those "Long Dark Nights of the Gender".

Luv,

Patsy