Vestige Of Truth

[Guest Micha]

I've only lurked here a couple of days, and only a couple of days earlier did I find the terminology for how I feel. I still have so much to read about here alone, I am quite overwhelmed, but I'm also very moved. After reading a few biographies and supporting responses I can't help but feel a swelling in my heart for people here. After reading Jennifer's Heart in particular I was crying (something that doesn't come so easily anymore). I've read another biography that makes me feel a little silly for even being depressed, but that's the limit of experience I suppose; I just don't know any better. It's taken severe introspection and a lot of nerve to make a post, but it's the first step in what I need to do for myself if nothing else.

As a child I cried a lot, over anything, almost everything. I was very sensitive and took so much personally. When playing with my cousins we'd play "house" or some other role playing equivalent (Ninja Turtles and X-Men were popular with us) and I enjoyed playing the part of a female. I was comfortable portraying feminine qualities and more than a little unsure of myself when playing a "man". That's the earliest indication for me, and it wasn't a phase. I kept my sensitivity and insecurity through Jr. High, but with it came depression. I didn't fit in and gained a reputation for being weak (not physically even though I was, thankfully I avoided testing my strength in a fight) and so I was teased, bullied and very unpopular. I think what was happening is I was seeking acceptance where there was none. I was too weak, sensitive, emotional, compassionate and/or moody to be accepted as a boy. I needed to be accepted, and I really don't know why. That's a psychological issue I still deal with and I'm no more wiser today. So in trying to be accepted my femininity had to be suppressed. This is also where my depression began, or so I believe.

So upon entering high school, I became more of an outcast. I couldn't be what I felt, didn't know how to be what was expected and had no clue what to do. Almost complete apathy ensued. I had neither a desire to die, nor a desire to live, just frustration and resentment for more or less everything. The suppressed side of me found outlets here and there, and when it was noticed I was quickly labeled gay by my peers (my sexuality has been very clear to me, even now though I'm unsure of terminology - I'm sexually attracted to women, though not necessarily feminine women). Otherwise I was living as more or less nothing, and that's about what I felt. After graduation there wasn't much change for me. I still suppressed how I felt and who I was, but maybe not so much. I spent a lot of time with my best friend whom I've known since we were 9. With her I overcame my anxiety towards commitment and gave my love to her. Years passed, we married, had two daughters with a son on the way, and my depression has never ceased.

I've puzzled over the source of this for untold time. I haven't experienced tragedy, I don't feel anything I've endured to be truly traumatic. I had no known reason to be depressed.

Not too long ago I came across a flier hung by a GLBTQ group. It defined the word transgender in one sentence. Though I've come to realize that definition was vague and general, that's what started my online search. In reading about transgender I related to the descriptions to a point, but not very well completely. However it led me to another term that described me more accurately: androgynous. That acceptance came about last week, and after all the reflection a lot of things make more sense to me, especially concerning depression.

The knowledge doesn't seem to be enough though. I don't know if it's an old need to be accepted or if I'm just wrong, but right now I feel I need to tell somebody, and so here I am. I also want desperately to talk to my wife about it, but I can't bring myself to it. She knows I've never been masculine, that I am sensitive and emotional, but I don't think she associates that with any label. Perhaps for her the gender roles weren't as externally defined and she never felt the need to conform to anyone else's standards (one of many reasons I love her). I don't think she'd think less of me, but I don't know, and I am anxious about it. Part of me also thinks that there's no need to make a deal of it. She knows me, and not the me I was in school, but the me that cries over movies (even if I can't when I feel my own emotions first hand). So if I just embrace my revelation of myself and not bother with anyone else, perhaps that would be enough? Perhaps. . .outwardly I want to be pretty, but thanks to my Dutch hair (or lack thereof) my ambitions have been effectively terminated. I still enjoy skirts and nail polish and eyeliner (and the latter two are becoming acceptable for guys), but I'm not entirely sure if that's the end of it.

I guess as of now, I don't really know what I want, but I do know I need some help emotionally. I'm comfortable with my gender, and I'm not panicking about expressing it (yet), but the emotions of this revelation are completely overwhelming me.

I hope this wasn't too long. . .sorry if it was. I just really needed to get that out.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Micha,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Micha,

Welcome to Laura's.

Your story was neither too long nor too short. Really, the right length is whatever one you feel comfortable with.

It looks like you've done a lot of searching, and I suspect there's more to come. Hopefully, being here will help you find some of the answers you're looking, and even more so, a better understanding and feeling about yourself.

We're glad you're here.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Micha]

Oh I do love hugs. ^^

Thank you both.

[JenniferB]

Welcome Micha

And you can talk just as much as you want. You will find listening ears here and others who can relate. Since this is a support site you will find the members have a way of comforting those who need it.

Love Susan

[Guest misha1144]

Welcome!

Hugs, Misha

[Guest Opal]

Hi Micha!

A big welcome to Laura's! You have come to the right place. After being here a couple of days, I found myself crying and not being ashamed of it, nor feeling guilty about doing it for the first time in my life.

In my opinion, crying is a human emotion, not a gender-specific emotion. The suppression of it causes untold problems.

There is a lot of information on here, and it will take time, but it will be worth it. There are numerous wonderful people I'm sure you will enjoy getting to know who love to engage in polite conversation!

Love and Peace,

Opal

[Guest NatashaJade]

Hi Misha!

Welcome to Laura's! Thank you for sharing so much with us. Please feel free to always share as much as you want. You will find fellow travelers who are always willing to lend an ear, or a shoulder or a tissue.

luv

Gin

[Guest Micha]

A big welcome to Laura's! You have come to the right place. After being here a couple of days, I found myself crying and not being ashamed of it, nor feeling guilty about doing it for the first time in my life.

In my opinion, crying is a human emotion, not a gender-specific emotion. The suppression of it causes untold problems.

Yes, I know those problems. It's more than repressing a physical reaction, but essentially killing compassion in general. I want to cry more than I do, but it doesn't happen. I feel it, but the physical response isn't there, and then there's emptiness.

I feel a lot of emotion here though, so I hope this is a progressive step I've taken.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Micha,

<<hug>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Androgyne meetings -Wed 7pm est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Micha]

Rules read and registered. I should be able to make Wed's meeting.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Micha

A very important step that you have taken is to join Laura's. You will find that as you continue to read and post to the forums, the clarity of who you are will emerge.

For now, know that you are welcome and simply be yourself hon

Welcome

Brenda

[Guest Patsy]

Welcome, Micha...Laura's is a wonderful place. and I'm sure you'll not only feel comfortable

here, but find answers to many of your questions....as well as lotsa

HUGS

Luv,

Patsy

[Guest Alex Blitzen]

Welcome to Laura's

[Guest Micha]

Thanx again for the warm welcome and the hugs. It's a wonder just how therapeutic alone that is.

Sometimes I tend to worry more than I need to. I realized again yesterday of how this happens. I was driving the hour and a half drive from Pueblo with my wife and we started talking about our high school experiences, and growing up how we did. Without even considering what I was saying I went over with her my feminine nature growing up and how I took and androgyny test (the Bem test) and scored nearly feminine (-19), and that if it weren't for the conditioning I went through I'd probably score female. No adverse reaction at all, even when I straight up called myself androgynous. I was probably right in that she already knew, just never labeled me or thought it was a big deal. So I'm grateful for that, even if I didn't get everything outta my system.

I wonder too why it is so important to me to have a way to describe this. Why I can't just be me without worrying about what to call it.

[Guest ricka]

A warm welcome to Laura's, Micha!! Am happy that you are here to post, to learn and to be a part of our loving family here.

I wanted to comment on a couple of things that you said. First of all you _have_ had trauma in your life. Growing up as anything other than one gender or the other is traumatic. That is why the suicide rate of GLBTQ youth is 3 times the national average and why nearly half of homeless youth identify as GLBTQ. We were rarely ever able to fit in with our families, our peers or society as a whole. That is trauma! "Fitting in somewhere is such a basic human need in all of us.

The other thing is that we do need to be able to describe for ourselves who we are. Again, in a dominant culture which holds that the standards are gender-binary and hetero-sexual it can be difficult to even find the language (language reflecting the cultural standards and beliefs) that defines us.

I sense very much in what you write that you are self-accepting and that is a huge strength, Hon. Like you I was always a feminine male with female personality and physical characteristics. The goal of transitioning for me was not so much assigning myself one gender identity or the other and presenting that gender to the world 100% of the time. It had more to do with accepting my female/male self and being comfortable with that. Looking back, at least for myself I don't think I ever really knew what it was like to be male even though I was acculturated to be one. Once I began to realize and accept myself as a woman who also happened to have some male characteristics then I began to feel like "I was really me," if that makes any sense.

One thing that has not been mentioned by way of advice is to seek a gender therapist. A good therapist can be a great help in sorting out our thoughts and feelings.

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest Micha]

One thing that has not been mentioned by way of advice is to seek a gender therapist. A good therapist can be a great help in sorting out our thoughts and feelings.

Until coming here I've never heard nor read anything about such a therapist. Money is a serious issue for me and my insurance...well, when they want my blood they're fine, otherwise... What's the cost for such things? And any idea how insurance mobsters tend to regard such therapy? At the very least I'd like professional help, for more than just gender identity, but any information would be handy.

[Guest Jay_son]

ello and welcome, Micha...Best of luck with everything!

[Guest Girl Emily]

Micha,

Welcome to Laura's a very special place where we can talk about these deeply troubling issues. I saw so much of myself in your post and I commend you on the bravery in taking such a step. I do hope you stay with us because I believe the keys to your happiness and that of your family can be found here. I want to recommend the book. She's Not Here: A Life In Two Genders by Jennifer Boylan. She is a MtF transsexual who has a wife that has stayed through transition and are happy. After reading her book I was so moved by her story and inspired by her success that I emailed her my heartfelt feelings about her book and my plans to give it to my parents. She returned my email within the hour thanking me and expressing her hope for my success with my parents.

After coming out to them it became clear to me that I was only fooling myself. Your wife has known you like.... forever. Read the book and email the author she will undoubtedly have some sage advice. I look forward to getting to know you.

Huggs,

[Guest KellyKat]

Until coming here I've never heard nor read anything about such a therapist. Money is a serious issue for me and my insurance...well, when they want my blood they're fine, otherwise... What's the cost for such things? And any idea how insurance mobsters tend to regard such therapy? At the very least I'd like professional help, for more than just gender identity, but any information would be handy.

Hi Micha

Love your name! Welcome to Laura's!!

Try to have your therapist bill just for depression.

GID is depressing - but the insurance company doesn't need to know your case history.

Luv Kat

[Guest Hoslers_wife]

Welcome to Lauras Micha!

Love,

Chelsey Hosler

[Guest Micha]

Just wanna thank the rest of you who welcomed me, I do appreciate it. It feels real good to have that, I don't take it for granted.