Is It Ok To Have Doubts?

[Guest KatieT]

I guess the topic says it all. There are some days where I really feel like going through transition would be one of the best things I could do. There are other days where while I'd still love to be female, I really wonder if it's worth all the money, work and possible discrimination to go through the process of becoming a female.

So are these doubts normal? I've read a few stories about some transgenders who simply KNEW they were meant to be the other gender and HAD to go through with it. I don't feel that's me, but I've also never been comfortable with myself as a male. Do these doubts get stronger during transition as you're taking hormones, or for anyone that's done their transition, do you STILL have doubts?

[Sally]

Katie,

I have not finished my transition but I am well on my way and I have to admit that on occasions it seems like nothing is worth the efforts required - and for that fleeting moment of depression yes I even question why I even thought that Icould transition.

But that is depression - it makes us a bit irrational - once the feelings of hopelessness pass transitioning is a no brainer it is what I have to do and I continue.

This is something that you must discover for yourself - it sounds as if your doubts, like mine are fueled by frustration and a feeling of hopelessness - beyond those times only you know if it is what you need to do.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

Katie, for many transsexuals there are, and never were any doubts. For others, myself included, doubts were rampant, at least at first.

Even after deciding for certain that I was TS, I had what I described to my G.T. as "buyer's remorse." But that had much more to do with my family

situation, and all the complications that entails, as it did with any doubts that transition was the right path for me.

You need to sort all those feelings out before starting on HRT. Don;t worry if it takes a little longer to get to that point. This is one decision that you don't

want to make a mistake with. It truly is life changing, and you need to be sure.

Doubt is a good thing, hon. It proves that you are thinking this through, and taking it seriously. That is all good.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest JustShelly]

Hi Katie,

Self-doubt is with us all, don't you think? Some of it has to do with gender!, but ii's just part of human nature. And it does help us be cautious and to examine what we're doing in more detail. Not the worst trait at all!

Perhaps the male gender is trained not to listen to self-doubt - to plunge ahead without caution. When our female gender starts to flower, then self-doubt becomes more noticeable.

At any rate, don't worry! We're right there with you!

Love, Kat

OH please don't say that!!

My entire life has been filled with self doubt, now your telling me its worse!

NO! I understand completely what Kat is saying.

I do here about those few that have no doubt, I wonder though because if they had no doubt I believe you would never see them on forums like these. Just my thought.

I would like to get to that point of having very little or no doubt. With my thinking though I may never have SRS because I can't do anything without being 100% sure. I don't know if I will ever get to that point.

Katie, take things slow even though you'll want to rush. Set goals and time frames, be more concerned with goals don't worry about meeting the time frame it just helps to keep things in perspective.

Welcome to the long and bumpy road. Just remember they're some very nice people on this forum to help. One of them ^ look up^

Best Wishes

Shelly

[Guest Donna Jean]

I've had doubts all throughout my life and that's why I started transitioning at 58.....

At this point I have no more doubts....

The cost...physical, monetary, family, job...everything..I'm willing to accept now...

I'm going all the way ...I never get up in the morning anymore and say "I wonder if this is for me?"

It is.....

Am I doing the right thing?

Absoutely!

Could I go back?

NEVER!

Donna Jean (no doubt about it, anymore!)

[Guest SusanKG]

Sally Posted Today, 08:07 AM

- it sounds as if your doubts, like mine are fueled by frustration and a feeling of hopelessness -

Carolyn Marie Posted Today, 11:05 AM

You need to sort all those feelings out before starting on HRT. Don;t worry if it takes a little longer to get to that point. This is one decision that you don't

want to make a mistake with. It truly is life changing, and you need to be sure.

Doubt is a good thing, hon. It proves that you are thinking this through, and taking it seriously. That is all good.

Kathleen Rose Posted Today, 11:43 AM

Perhaps the male gender is trained not to listen to self-doubt - to plunge ahead without caution. When our female gender starts to flower, then self-doubt becomes more noticeable.

Good advice from the ladies! And don't downplay the effects of hormones; T on males, E and P on females. I have said before, and probably will say again: If you do not get paniced sometimes about this, you do not understand the situation.

Susan Kay

[Guest Lee-Asher Geo-James]

I guess the topic says it all. There are some days where I really feel like going through transition would be one of the best things I could do. There are other days where while I'd still love to be female, I really wonder if it's worth all the money, work and possible discrimination to go through the process of becoming a female.

So are these doubts normal? I've read a few stories about some transgenders who simply KNEW they were meant to be the other gender and HAD to go through with it. I don't feel that's me, but I've also never been comfortable with myself as a male. Do these doubts get stronger during transition as you're taking hormones, or for anyone that's done their transition, do you STILL have doubts?

I think it's normal to have doubts. I am currently having them myself.

It is a normal part of transitioning, whether or not you have surgery or not.

And not everyone transitions fully. Some people only go so far in their transition anyways.

I don't know much about transition for MtF but I do know of FtMs that won't start HRT or go through with surgery, they are still Male though.

You have to do what's best for you. Your having doubts and that's normal.

And there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with not "going all the way" either. It's what you feel is right and best for you.

*hugs*

LeeAsher

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

I really wonder if it's worth all the money, work and possible discrimination to go through the process of becoming a female.

This is a very normal reason to have doubts, we're talking about practicalities and if the side effects are something you can live with, it's like you really want to go to the bahamas but can you really afford it? well just but should you really be putting so much on a credit card? and you really should be spending that money on something more sensible like a new car.

It doesn't mean you want to go any less, you just have to figure out if you can.

So are these doubts normal? I've read a few stories about some transgenders who simply KNEW they were meant to be the other gender and HAD to go through with it. I don't feel that's me

I wasn't like that either, I suspect it's to do with where you on are on the gender spectrum, related to the gender you were raised, I'm more on the andro side of female, and as such I didn't have the same kind of passionate hate for my physical body, or immediate knowledge that there was something physically wrong, like I suspect would be more common in someone who is absolutely 100% female in a very stereotypically male body or vice versa, and again I'm sure it would be even worse if people are raised, pushed down specific gender stereotypes. I was lucky like that, my parents didn't force me to play sports or hunt or anything like that.

The larger the disparity between your true self and your current life, the more gender dysphoria you're going to feel and the more urgent and desperate you're going to feel to have to fix it. our doubts then come from the fact that mainstream media always suggests that everyone is like this, but it's not the case.

So yes it's ok to have doubts, and you should pay attention to those doubts, because that's your sub conscious telling you to be careful, but doubts alone don't mean that what you're doing is wrong or that you should stop, I doubt you'll ever be entirely certain all the time. There are things I did 10 years ago that I sometimes wonder if I should've done different, self doubt is human nature.

If you're feeling doubt, then stop for a moment and take stock of yourself, ask yourself why you think you may be having doubts, go back over the reasons for your original decision and see if they still stand, talk to a good friend and ask for a sanity check ("just tell me i'm not completely nuts") and then proceed cautiously, if you take a step too far, i'm sure you'll know it and will then be sure that you should stop.

[Guest NatashaJade]

Katie,

It's okay to feel whatever you feel. Nobody else can know what it is to be you. Is it worth it? I think it is, but that's me. You have to evaluate what's good for you and if you think it's worth it, do it.

luv

Gin

[Guest KatieT]

Thank you all for you amazing words of wisdom and advice. I don't think I have the words to really explain how helpful is just to have others reaffirm that a) I'm not totally bonkers! and Someone else has been where I am. I hope I'll have encouraging words for all of you eventually!

That said, I think the most worrisome thing for me is time. I KNOW I don't want to make a mistake here, so I need to take a lot of time, but on the other hand, I hear that hormones work better the younger you are, and that over time you simply feel a greater urge to confirm to what you think is 'your' gender. So it's always this balance of, wanting to take time to make the right decision, but not wanting to take so much time to say 'Man, I wish I would've done this then!' Especially since I sometimes have those thoughts already (ie, man I wish I would've known about transgenders and hormones sooner!)

[Guest Nick_Hosler]

I've never doubted my transition but I have weighed how far I want to go. How much money I'm willing to spend, how much pain I'm willing to go thru, ect. I think everyone has doubts to some extent.

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Katie,

I see a lot of the transitioning girls - as well as a few others - have given you good advice . I'm not in the transitioning track, and I've made the decision not to explore it any more than I already have. It's a difficult one because like you, there are days....and there are daze.

Enough on either side to make me dizzy sometimes, but enough to feel that I've made the best decision I could. Who knows if it's the 'right' one. Mostly because I'm not sure there is a right one for a lot of us, only a best one. And once you make whatever decision, then that's when you face the really difficult part of seeing it through.

You know, sometimes it's like marriage - you're 'married' to yourself for better or worse. So realize that some times won't be a great as other times, regardless of what you decide. But whatever you decide, you've got to work on making it work.

I guess I'll never understand people who go through life with no doubts. I see enough gray in life to realize that it's full of alternatives with no guarantees with whatever choices you make, and with no real guide except common sense, how others have faced these choices, and friends who support you. And Laura's Playground really helps with those.

Keep reading and exploring and asking questions, and listening to advice. You'll eventually know the way you want to go, and hopefully it will help you be at peace with yourself a little more than now.

Hugs

Chloë

[Guest Ashley C.]

Katie, your thought process when you're feeling down sounds almost exactly like mine.

I go through self-doubt all the time. I'm MtF, but I've only known this about myself for around five or six years (I'm 24). Before that, all this TG stuff was floating around in my subconscious (although the fact that I loved playing with doll houses should have been a pretty big clue ). I've been out to my friends and family since October, I've been in therapy since then, and I've been on hormones three months now, and I still hit major patches of self-doubt--like the one I'm in now, actually. Nothing is more insulting than when my parents accuse me of destroying their lives, or when they tell me that I'll never be successful if I "decide to continue down the path I'm on." As bigoted as they are, and as close as I am to giving up hope on them, their words can nevertheless still send me into a downward spiral.

However, I also have days where I'm immensely proud to be who I am. It's rare days like those where I feel like running out my apartment door screaming "I'm trans!" at the top of my lungs haha. This is the best feeling in the world, and once you start to figure out things for yourself, you'll know what I'm talking about.

The doubt, fear, and depression are definitely worse at first (at least they were for me). I promise, it all gets better as you go along; however, I don't think we ever truly escape it. I'm right in the thick of transitioning, and I have a truckload of experiences and memories that validate my identity as MtF, but I still go through times where all I feel like doing is quitting.

Just know that whatever happens, in the darkest of times, you can always shoot me an IM. If you can hang in there Katie, I promise I'll do my best to do the same.

Love,

Ash

Oh...sorry this is such a long post, but before I forget...I freak out all the time wishing that I'd known I was TG sooner . It wouldn't have really helped because my parents are terrible, but I always think that given the right circumstances, I could have started transitioning when I was like 14 or 15 ><. In fact, this line of thinking is one of the biggest things that motivated me to finally start this crazy trip last October...I knew that if I waited too long to start HRT, the pills wouldn't be as effective. I think I'm going to be ok, but I still go nuts worrying about whether I'm going to pass or not. It certainly helps knowing that I'm going to be done transitioning before I hit 30.

Last thought, I promise lol...my therapist tells me it's normal for us to mourn our lost childhoods as the opposite gender. It doesn't make the thought any nicer, but it at least puts an explanation on things.

[Guest KatieT]

Thanks again everyone for your thought out responses! You definitely gave me a lot to think about. It's tough to really form a response to everyone, but I've read over all the responses multiple times and found myself agreeing or relating to a lot of what was said, especially about not knowing what decisions the right ones may be. I think, for me, the question is, do I want to trade my current existence, though robotic and static, but also very stable and controlled, for a step into something exciting and fulfilling, yet very unstable and well, unpredictable. While I have a gauge of how things might play out if I started to go the path of becoming female, people tend to be able to surprise you in bad and good ways!

Again, thanks to all of you! I'll continue to read and think on what all of you say, both on this thread and the forum as a whole, and try to find a therapist.

Oh and Ashley, I'd like to extend the same invitation to you! Feel free to IM me anytime, and I'll do my best to be there for you

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

even if you can't predict exactly what will happen if you continue down your path, i guess you have to weigh that against the knowledge that you will always be trans, whether you transition or not, it's not like you become your born gender if you choose not to, it's just if you can continue to live with the dysphoria, which i guess is a decision you make again, every single day until you transition.

i'm not delusional, i know it's not going to be a picnic, like how difficult it will be to ever find a partner, the lonlines and rejection. but i've had relationships in the past and have thrown them all away because i was chronically unhappy, and i was never going to be happy until i did this. At least this way if I ever do find someone to love me again, maybe i'll stand a chance of keeping them. And that's the thing really, the alternative wasn't living successfully as a man, it was continuing to live in hell until i killed myself.

not sure i made much of any point there, i guess, while it is immensly important not ot take these decisions lightly, i think it's also important to know that 1. you aren't making the decision to be trans, you either are or you aren't, the decision is whether you choose to do anything about it. and 2. You aren't ever going to be absolutely 100% positively certain without first taking some baby steps, one at a time. it's like me asking you if you like a certain food, you can think about it, you can ask what it's similar to, you can ask other people how they thought it tasted, but you won't be entirely certain one way or the other until you've tasted it. And the same goes here, if you're 95% sure, then take some baby steps, cos if you wait to be absolutely certain then you'll be waiting forever.