My Escape

[Guest tori319]

Being trans and not knowing it is extremely difficult as I've spent my whole life not knowing what was wrong with me.I used things to take my mind off my troubles as a way of escaping my problems.My escapism's where "The Sims" game and old movies on " Turner Classic Movies".I loved playing life on The Sims as I could live the life I couldn't in reality.I love watching old movies from the silent teens to the the swingin sixties.I discovers stars that I wanted to be like Joan Crawford, Bette Davis,Clara Bow,Gloria Swanson,Ginger Rogers, and my favorite Barbara Stanwyck.I fell for leading men like Rudolph Valentino,Gary Cooper and my favorites Clark Gable, and Carey Grant.I sort off lost myself in the glitz and glamor of the past and could escape from my problems by watching these films and I've found that since finding out about myself I still enjoy "The Sims" and "TCM" but I don't rely on them like i used to.What are your opinions on the matter and what did you use to forget the pain?

[Guest perlitarose]

Being trans and not knowing it is extremely difficult as I've spent my whole life not knowing what was wrong with me.I used things to take my mind off my troubles as a way of escaping my problems.My escapism's where "The Sims" game and old movies on " Turner Classic Movies".I loved playing life on The Sims as I could live the life I couldn't in reality.I love watching old movies from the silent teens to the the swingin sixties.I discovers stars that I wanted to be like Joan Crawford, Bette Davis,Clara Bow,Gloria Swanson,Ginger Rogers, and my favorite Barbara Stanwyck.I fell for leading men like Rudolph Valentino,Gary Cooper and my favorites Clark Gable, and Carey Grant.I sort off lost myself in the glitz and glamor of the past and could escape from my problems by watching these films and I've found that since finding out about myself I still enjoy "The Sims" and "TCM" but I don't rely on them like i used to.What are your opinions on the matter and what did you use to forget the pain?

Hi, Toru319,

I used to "day-dream," then at puberty I turned into very macho things (racing motorcycles, martial arts, etc) and drinking, then when I hit bottom I had what it may be called a "religious experience" that made me realize, that I had to stop rejecting who I was, and instead accept the fact that I am a female. After that, the pain went away, and by wearing female clothing and stuff every day and pushing the envelop as much as I could I found happyness. Recently my children expressed total aceptance of my GID, and I have found more peace and love and happiness. The hope of someday fully transioning adds meaning to my life. I am blessed ith my children and they are the main source of meaning to my life, it also helps the fact that I love my job.

[JenniferB]

Tori,

I know what you mean in spending your life knowing that something was wrong but not knowing what it is. I got to a point I was playing video games all the time (more recently World of Warcraft) and drinking heavily, although I don't watch a lot of movies or tv. I just wanted to escape life

When I found out about what being transsexual was and started realizing I fit that mold, everything changed. I play video games 1-2 hours a week now and haven't touched (or desired) a drop of alcohol for over a month. In that month I've dropped 25 pounds and haven't once gone to (or desired) fast food. Fellow employees even noticed at work how much happier I became. So what I've found out is being who you are makes all the difference in the world and have goals again. I will willingly take the risk of going through many obstacles to complete myself. I can't ever or even want go back to my former life, I'd rather die than live that nightmarish way again.

Love Susan

[Guest ricka]

Hi Tori! Hon I have always loved those glamorous Hollywood startlets from the 30s and 40s especially. Ginger Rogers is an all time favorite for me too. And I still think those Hollywood leading men of that era are the hottest ever. Gary Cooper is my all time fave. Saw a book of photographs of classic hollywood hunks with their shirts off and Oh Honey Cooper made me swoon! Anyway I still love that glamorous look that women had back then. Lena Horne who just died a few weeks ago was also a favorite from that era. She wore the most gorgeous gowns. i grew up watching those old movies and think I just instinctively learned how to emulate those women.

Like Susan once I accepted and embraced my female gender and started living full time as a woman (outside of my job) I found that the greatest escape for me was being free to be myself as a woman. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it feels to come home after work and shed my guy clothes (and get out of my robot mode as someone put it so well.) Weekends are especially my girl time to pamper myself and be the woman that I am. And yes people tell me I seem much happier and outgoing----my male persona was quiet and isolative while my natural personality as a woman is outgoing and vivacious and I feel very connected not just to myself but to other people. On the physical side I no longer have high bloodpressure. Guess that tells you something. In male mode I could never feel relaxed but as a woman I feel a sense of inner peace and contentment. A goal I have set for myself this year is to create a circle of friends who know and accept me as a woman. What I am finding is that these friendships are far deeper and that these sweet people (guys and girls) mean the world to me!

Hugs, Ricka

[Guest NatashaJade]

I write and create worlds. I've always done that. I create worlds so completely in my head that I can project myself into them. For most of my life, I've always projected myself into them as a woman. That was always my escape.

luv

Gin

[Guest Jo22]

I know exactly what you mean, i've always used escapism to deal with my other side. for me it was video games mainly, since they offer a role playing element, in which i am free to be Jo.

[Guest Zoddy]

My case is a little different. I played about 4 years on an Ultima Online (MMORPG) Role-Playing private server.

Normally you incarnate your character... Xifanie, a female gnome bard is basically the only character I ever played on that server. Even today I often use the name because I have a strong relationship with her; it isn't fake nor virtual.

Every female actions that I couldn't do in the real world, I did them inside the game. I always kept the same principles inside and outside the game (i.e. training, music, humor, etc.). It's only recently that I discovered I wasn't playing a role back then, but myself: even if it was in a medieval & fantastic context. She is my second half I had always been hiding. Banned for duping but I don't care because I could barely role-play anymore.

My current avatar is her. Only thing is that someone once told me that Xifanie sounded like a trans name.

[Guest chngnwnd]

I have always written - usually write songs, but I will write anything now. Also, I threw myself into mastering the guitar and playing rock and roll - I find when I play, I don't think about anything, the music just kind of flows and the world melts away.

Also, I read constantly - the longer and more complex the novel, the better it was for me.

And of course, computer games. I like rp computer games based on TSR's Advanced Dungeons and Dragons (which I played pnp as a teenager and college student way too much to not have to deal with reality).

I even worked like a maniac at every job I have ever had...even when I hated them...

Yes - and movies, too - especially movies that are open ended and leave you with lots of questions - it was always nice to think about those then what was really bothering me...

I wish I had not been so good at escapism now, but on the plus side - I'm an awesome punk rock guitarrist - not making any money at it, but probably the best in my genre in the immediate area and nearby surrounds...

[Guest NatashaJade]

I wish I had not been so good at escapism now, but on the plus side - I'm an awesome punk rock guitarrist - not making any money at it, but probably the best in my genre in the immediate area and nearby surrounds...

How do you compare with Billy Zoom or East Bay Ray?

luv

Gin

[Guest chngnwnd]

They are better, but I am close...I would not be embarrased being their warm-up act...

I might be uncomfortable as a warm-up act for Dr. Know, though.

Also, I am every bit as good as Greg Ginn and Greg Hetson - possibly better than Greg Hetson actually.

Bobbie

[Guest tori319]

Hi Tori! Hon I have always loved those glamorous Hollywood startlets from the 30s and 40s especially. Ginger Rogers is an all time favorite for me too. And I still think those Hollywood leading men of that era are the hottest ever. Gary Cooper is my all time fave. Saw a book of photographs of classic hollywood hunks with their shirts off and Oh Honey Cooper made me swoon! Anyway I still love that glamorous look that women had back then. Lena Horne who just died a few weeks ago was also a favorite from that era. She wore the most gorgeous gowns. i grew up watching those old movies and think I just instinctively learned how to emulate those women.

Like Susan once I accepted and embraced my female gender and started living full time as a woman (outside of my job) I found that the greatest escape for me was being free to be myself as a woman. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it feels to come home after work and shed my guy clothes (and get out of my robot mode as someone put it so well.) Weekends are especially my girl time to pamper myself and be the woman that I am. And yes people tell me I seem much happier and outgoing----my male persona was quiet and isolative while my natural personality as a woman is outgoing and vivacious and I feel very connected not just to myself but to other people. On the physical side I no longer have high bloodpressure. Guess that tells you something. In male mode I could never feel relaxed but as a woman I feel a sense of inner peace and contentment. A goal I have set for myself this year is to create a circle of friends who know and accept me as a woman. What I am finding is that these friendships are far deeper and that these sweet people (guys and girls) mean the world to me!

Hugs, Ricka

I know right ,I was planning on a trip to New York and was I guess wishfully hoping I would meet Lena,and the only leading man with eyes as blue as "The Coop" was Paul Newman.

[JJ]

I spent at least 53 of my 63 years in denial. It's kind of humerous to me that the only way I discovered the truth was that I sat up in bed at 2:30 am with "I AM TRANSEXUAL" ringing in my head. Out of the blue.

My subconscious knew I had finally reached a point when I faced it or died. I had thee date and plan and knew my life was over.

The difference was immediate-I've said in other posts it was like a puzzle all scattered in chaos. When I got the missing pieces it all fit -it made a picture that I see as beautiful. In addition to denial I had displaced all of my sorrow, rage and fear onto other events in my life. I thought I was unable to get past all these horrific events but once I accepted the truth all that rage pain and sorrow is gone. Really gone. I find after a couple of weeks that I'm now grieving in a very health way for the hurt I've suffered from all those years but beneath I still have a joy, a lightness and happiness I've never known. Now I understand why people actually want to live rather than having to.

When video games came along I was obsessive about them. I mean you could be your real gender without feeling uneasy, ashamed and guilty. I am primarily male but believe I am bigendered. Maybe from living as a woman so long. I love and appreciate the feminine influences on me and don't want to give them up . But every game my character was male. I tried to play as a female but just couldn't do it. And I read. I'm a compulsive reader-I would rather go without food and water than a book.

I also fished and hiked. And ate. Food can be great for self medicating and wasn't much of a problem since I was so active till I developed mobility problems from injuries and lupus.

I did art-and then the internet came along.

Now I'm finding less need and more enjoyment in everything.

Hugs

JJ