I'm Sorry

[EVAN_DESU]

I just need to rant....

And I know it's all I ever do here, anymore...

And I'm sorry for that.....

I don't know what is happening to me, and what's going through my head.

Recently I've realized I can't take it when people...act nice or caring towards me.

I feel such emotional pain deep down, that I want to stop whatever it is that is making them care for me, When they touch or hug me...I die inside, I want to say "Go away!"

but in reality, them caring for me is what keeps me strong.

It's just, I've been put down so much......by my mother of all people.

She tells me to go die, she wishes failure upon me....she's tried to manipulate me into not being depressed or suicidal around her, by getting into car accidents while I'm in the car with her, threatening her life, I've seen her hurt herself right in front of my eyes. And it's all my fault. I never do anything right according to her...

So many nights...I have had to help her up because she's fallen because she was drunk. She's always drunk. She's an alchoholic. I missed some school because of literally no sleep because of how she acts when drunk. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore...

I feel myself slowly going insane with ways and plans to end it all..racing thoughts...

Just last night my girlfriends ex texted me saying she was really worried about me. I was suprised, because she had never texted me before, and didn't even have my number (must of got it from my girlfriend, her best friend) thought she didn't like me. I broke down even more. Why would she care about me? What did I do.....

She texted me saying she really cares about me, and that Britt was really worried about me.

I told her I wanted to end all the pain..all the burden...and she said I couldn't because her and my girlfriend love me, they wanted me to be here.

She said she didn't cry much, but almost cried Friday, when she saw me so upset, running away and crying.

We talked more today. I never liked her much before, because I was jealous of her, but now....

She has really helped me. I thought she hated me....

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I can't handle these warm, comforting feelings..but deep down, I want them so much.....

[Guest viv]

Evan,,,,I can tell you through experience an alcoholic ,while drinking has

only one person on his/her mind <<themselves . Their actions are all geared

toward how to get the next drink and not a problem walking over ANYONE

to get that drink . Self destruction and drag the nearest down with too.

Unfortunately your heart AND willpower is being broken by your mothers

illness < emotional blackmail < . One friend you have is YOURSELF Hun,,,,

become your own best friend . You can achieve this status by planning

on moving out of your mothers life . The very thought of doing the right

thing for yourself will make you feel better . Thing is Evan ,,,,if there is

no improvement in your mother you will have to act !!!!you will have to leave

her to save yourself Hun. For now tho stick to your friends and let them

replace your mothers love . You must think of your well being . I hope

this helps Evan ,,,,good luck . luv,viv

[JJ]

Oh Evan-that is so hard for you!

Especially since you can't move out on your own yet. Are tere any family members you can approach? Or who could take you in?

If not in many states you can petition to become an emancipated minor at 17 and get help with living arrangements. but only you can take any steps away. That's so very hard wen your burden is heavy but you can do it. And you can get trough this.

You see my mother was an alcoholic who often hit me and constantly verbally abused me at night. dusting the day she was sober and well respected -I couldn't even tell anyone wo would believe me. and when I married i married an alcoholic.

Eventually, free from those relationships I receive enough alcohol and substance abuse training that i was certified to train other trainers. So I'm coming from 2 positions here.

Basically the stone cold truth is that alcoholics see people in 2 roles in their lives-those who enable them to drink and those who give them an excuse to drink. And the excuses are only in their minds. If you weren't tere she'd find another excuse I guarantee it.

When you're living in that, emotion is frightening and you can become hyper sensitive because so much pain has been inflicted on you for caring that any love you receive becomes a sort of threat. Make sense to you?

Bottom line is you can't help your mother and it isn't your fault. Not even a tiny bit. An alcoholic will always find an excuse and the only person who can help them is themselves. It sounds so cold but I promise the only way to help is NOT to help at all.

It isn't your mother talking and striking out at you-it's the alcohol. They all do it. And most become master manipulators.

Just hearing this isn't enough-you have to keep saying it to yourself over and over and over.

And see if you can find a support group for the children of alcoholics-you'll be amazed how many people are going trough this and how alike the feelings and the events in their lives are.

I promise you that you can eventually get free and have a happier life.

Meanwhile you have the people here. Lots of people have walked in your shoes and because of that they really do care and won't let you down.

JJ

[Guest Elizabeth K]

EVAN

It gets better. I have a FTM friend - age 31 - cannot STAND TO BE TOUCHED - wants no sympathy - has huge issues with his mother. Not that you are the same - only that you are not alone. Life isn't always as advertised... not for us anyway!

VENT here - we want to be here for you!

Lizzy