Does The Guilt Ever Disappear

[Guest rustycd]

Hi all,

I am a 41 year old who is happily married for 14 years now and been with my wife for 21 years now I also have two teenage children one still at home. I started with cd when I was only about 13 playing dress ups with my kid sister and she loved it. Then when I was about 17 my girlfriend at the time used to leave her lingerie at my house for when she stayed over. I slowly and more often started wearing this. After we split I purchased a few items but would always feel guilty and throw them out. Then I net my wife and stopped all together for several years but the urge was always there I just chose to fight it. But in the end it got to much and I started wearing my wife's clothes whenever I could. Occasionally I would put her lingerie on as a joke and walk out in front me her but should just laughed it off. Then one time she beat me at something and said if I beat you again you have to dress in my lingerie and run around the block. So of course I deliberately lost and took up the challenge and enjoyed it so I offered to do it again over a few months if she beat me. We eventually moved house and it was a more populated area so it stopped. But I dressed up whenever I was alone. After working shift work for 13 years and dressing whenever my kids were at school or wife was at work I cannot do it anymore as I work day shift now. So again I stopped or tried. Then my sister passed away unexpected and I was depressed so I started again I don't no whether because it reminded me me when we had fun as kids dressing up. But the guilt has never gone away I am happiest when dressing up mainly in lingerie but have ventured out late at night a few times dressed up and just gone for a drive or walked around the streets in lingerie skirt and heals but no wig or make up. I recently ordered a wig but cancelled it before it arrived I have also brought lingerie from ebay but either throw it out or give it to my wife as a gift. I recently prayed to my sister while feeling guilty and told her I'd stop but a can't. Is it wrong to continue doing it without telling my wife as she has a lot of lingerie that doesn't fit anymore and I have been wearing it lately. After finding this great forum I have realised I am normal and its not a bad thing but why do I still feel please guilty. Sorry for the rant it help better to get it out but.

Cheers Mark

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Mark,

<<hug>>

Most all of us know about guilt.

I found that when I finally accepted in my heart what I am, the guilt faded away.

It is good that you are finally accepting what you are.

Self acceptance is the key to living a happy life as the person you are.

I still hate labels, but I believe that quite often the difference between being a Cross dresser and a Transsexual is nothing more than a fine line of self acceptance.

Any way keep your chin up, and always be proud of who you are.

You are beautiful.

vanna

[Guest Donna Jean]

Vanna is correct....

Guilt diminishes with self acceptance..

The better you feel about yourself, the less the guilt....Most of us here have suffered that in the past...

I hope that you get to feeling good about yourself....

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest rustycd]

Thanks for the kind words just talking about it finally and starting to accept it feels like a weight lifted.

I understand everything you say, I just need to accept it enjoy it and start feeling better about myself as i now know there's nothing to be ashamed about.

Sorry about the spelling on my first post i was typing it out on my new touchscreen mobile while watching my son at football training and still getting used to the keyboard lol

[Guest i is Sam :-)]

if she got you to wear it as a bet then maybe it's something she likes, or at least is ok with. i'm not quite sure how you'd start a conversation about it, but i'd imagine the best thing would be to suggest doing some more adventerous things in the bedroom first, and if that goes ok then maybe tell her that you want to wear it some times cos it makes you feel good.

i'm pretty sure the guilt would go away if you didn't feel you had to hide it from her.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

if she got you to wear it as a bet then maybe it's something she likes, or at least is ok with. i'm not quite sure how you'd start a conversation about it, but i'd imagine the best thing would be to suggest doing some more adventerous things in the bedroom first, and if that goes ok then maybe tell her that you want to wear it some times cos it makes you feel good.

i'm pretty sure the guilt would go away if you didn't feel you had to hide it from her.

Samantha Is correct. It's a situation that is very tricky though. Most wive's are sort of supportive at first and then get alarmed and say"'DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME" and pull back.

I stated CDing when I was 8 years old - but it turns out I was more trans than a CDer - and that took a lot of therapy and self analysis. It seems there is a not so subtle difference - and I was in denial - but, that said, both conditions (transsexuality and crossdressing) are gender dysphoric. So both are very similar in how they can be handled personally. Setting the stage here - I was diagnosed and decided to transition - age 61. So I really took a long time to accept myself. It was the shame and humiliaqtion I suffered for those 50 + years that made me so unhappy.

So there is a way out. First - realize you are what you are - were probably born this way - and unfortunately - YOU CANNOT CHANGE. That understanding gives you a good foundation.

I had at least seven major purges. Each time I resolved - never again. The longest I lasted was three years. My therapist says it is impossible for me to stop - and almost exclusively that is the case for all CDers - and in my case, transsexuals.

Okay - my definition. This might help you understand. The difference? CDers dress to express a ferminine side of themselves. This is perfectly fine. We all are both a bit male and a bit female. Feeling good about your more feminine side is a relief and a joy. BUT trasnspeople like myself? I dress to be female. I have hardly any male side to me - what I have is learned behavior - and I playact male. I am really born female - am female in soul and mindset - and I cannot change that. All I can do is modify my body.

BUT I have accepted myself.

Uniquely - one wife left me - my crossdressing was about half the cause - we were married 18 years - I confessed to her after 10. It was TOTALLY - "I don't ever want to see." She did not like even the slightest hint of me dressing. HARD LIFE having to hide all that...

My latest wife - I was discovered and diagnosed. She was grudgingly acceptive for about a year and a half. She says if I had been a 'simple crossdresser' she could handle it. I laugh now - maybe she would, maybe not. BUT she helped me with mu clothing purchases and let me grow my hair out. I could wear earrings at home - all that. BUT no lipstick! And I had to present male with her friends and in town. We just separated. I am too female now. I am living full time as a woman... she couldn't do that with me.

BUT

I am at peace with myself. Rusty - as a cross dresser? My advice? Get your wife on board slowly. DO NOT be flamboyant. Let her help you with the sort of neutral gender things - she will probably be interested in that - I mean, if you have a close relationship. Otherwise? She will tell you to stay underground - and it will be extremely lonely - you may or may not be able to do that.

My opinion

Lizzy

[Carolyn Marie]

Mark, you got some great replies here. All right on the mark.

The key to self acceptance is to understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of men cross dress to some

degree, and for various reasons. It is not something "society" approves of, but it is not harmful to anyone else, not

harmful (and in fact its beneficial) to you, and so why not?

How much you choose to tell your wife is up to you, but the less hiding you have to do, the better off you will probably be

in the guilt department.

You are among friends, here, Mark. We understand what you are going through, because we've all gone through it too.

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Emily Ray]

Mark,

Self acceptance is key to ending the guilt about the cross dressing issue. The hiding it from your wife is entirely different and there are options for you to choose from. But, I highly suggest caution until your son is eighteen. It would be a tragedy to be out of your house with visitation for five years over this if it can be avoided. Keep posting and reading, we can all empathize with you.

Huggs,

[Guest CattalieChan]

One thing I would like to add is have you concidered a therapist yet? I don't know much about hiding that, but therapy always helps. Would anyone else you know be accepting? Having a friend or two that accept you can build confidence. Remember nothing is wrong with you, and we all love and accept you here.

Amber

[Guest AbagailM]

The short answer is that the guilt will fade over time. Research indicates that cross dressing is genetic and/ or embryonic in origin. However in reading your post I suspect that there is more to this than just an acceptance issue. If this is the case try a gender therapist.

[Guest sarah f]

Mark just from experience it does get easier to accept this personally. I am going a little further than just dressing but I know how you feel when you have to hide from your wife because I am married now for 9 years and been together for 15 years. I hid this for all of these years up until January of this year. It is not easy telling your wife and not knowing how they are going to take it. I would tread lightly on the subject unless you are willing to possibly hurt her feelings. I know she has seen you dress up and even made bets about you dressing up and maybe she likes it but you never know how she may react if you tell her that you like to do it even when she is not at home. Good Luck and I hope you start to feel better about yourself.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Mark, Hon....

We haven't seen you for a bit and if you are back here, I'd REALLY like to have an update on how you're feeling these days.....OK?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Roberta1]

Mark, Hon....

We haven't seen you for a bit and if you are back here, I'd REALLY like to have an update on how you're feeling these days.....OK?

Huggs

Donna Jean

[Guest Roberta1]

Why should girls have all the fun? Just be yourself...accept the way you are, not the way others think you should be.

Sincerely, Roberta

[Guest mia 1]

Of course you feel guilty. but there is no reason to.

Show me some one who fits in with the norm and I'll show you

someone who lied on their application for the Lee Van Cleef

male role model award.

We are all different than the next person, learn it, live it, and love it.

You'll enjoy yourself much more when you realize we all come in different

sizes ,shapes and categories.

Best of luck.

Mia

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Of course you feel guilty. but there is no reason to.

Show me some one who fits in with the norm and I'll show you

someone who lied on their application for the Lee Van Cleef

male role model award.

We are all different than the next person, learn it, live it, and love it.

You'll enjoy yourself much more when you realize we all come in different

sizes ,shapes and categories.

Best of luck.

Mia

MIA IS BACK! That is a typical and well worded 'MIA" post! Listen everyone to this great advice from a self-accepting person who has it all integrated and settled - well mostly... well usually... well... grin, you know!

hee hee

Lizzy

[Guest Adalia]

for me there wasn't much guilt with crossdressing after I left my parents' home the rest dissapearred when I joined this site the guilt I feel is associated with my feminine fantasies (being a cheerleader, being tied up, being in a relationship with a woman with me as "girlfriend" and her as "boyfriend", said "boyfriend" putting a hand up my skirt/dress and rubbing my thighs and giving "boyfriend" a lap dance)

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Mark,

There will come a time when the guilt vanishes. It will happen suddenly and completely. In a moment of clarity you will truely accept yourself. From that point forward, you will begin the process of acceptance from others.

There is no timeframe for this hon, but as you continue, the day will arrive

Love

Brenda